Women, Belly Breathing, & the Male Gaze

A couple weeks ago, as I was waiting for my husband and daughters at the airport, I noticed something interesting.  A lot of the young women coming through Arrivals had stiff, straight abdomens. Their tummies weren’t moving when they breathed, just their chests.  It took me back to a memory from my pre-teen years. Those volatile, impressionable years where many parts of our lives can be susceptible to societal hijack. Especially true of young girls.  The memory was of me making a conscious decision to try to chest breathe instead of belly breathe. I didn’t want to be caught with my belly ballooning out. Like, ever. So, in an effort to look slim and appear more beautiful (to strangers, I guess?), I began my journey into chest breathing. I had since made a conscious reverse-decision to deeply belly breathe no matter what.   But it got me wondering about what other subtle signs of patriarchy might be out there if something as fundamental as the way we breathe can be shaped by societal standards. In this post, we’ll explore the connection between chest breathing, fat-shaming, and unrealistic beauty standards, all framed by the influence of the patriarchy.  For many women, belly breathing—though healthier—has been subtly discouraged as a way of controlling female bodies to align with the male gaze.  Let’s start with the basics… What Is Belly Breathing, and Why Is It Healthier? Belly breathing (also known as diaphragmatic breathing) is the natural, optimal way to breathe. When you belly breathe, you engage your diaphragm fully, allowing your lungs to expand to their full capacity.  This provides a deeper intake of oxygen, slows your heart rate, and triggers your body’s relaxation response, also known as the parasympathetic nervous system. In contrast, chest breathing is more shallow. It often occurs when we’re stressed, anxious, or holding tension in our bodies—conditions that many women experience regularly.  Chest breathing can also be a symptom of engaging the sympathetic nervous system, living in survival mode or being in fight or flight. Over time, many women start chest breathing unconsciously, and the calming benefits of belly breathing are left behind. Benefits of Belly Breathing: Increased oxygen intake: With deeper breaths, you allow more oxygen into your system, supporting overall physical and mental health. Stress reduction: Belly breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and reducing anxiety. Improved core strength: It engages the core muscles, contributing to better posture and even reducing the risk of injury. Better emotional regulation: Deep breathing helps you stay grounded and calm, a critical skill in dealing with daily stressors.   So if belly breathing is so good for us, why aren’t more women doing it? Why Aren’t Women Belly Breathing? While my little-girl self made a conscious choice to chest-breathe rather than belly breathe, many girls and women are conditioned to chest breathe without even realising it.  For decades, women have been told, directly and indirectly, that their value is linked to how thin or small they can make their bodies appear. (Isn’t that just a beautifully apt way for how the patriarchy tries to minimise females into submission?). And one of the ways we internalise this message is by sucking in our stomachs to create the illusion of slimness. Over time, this leads to habitual chest breathing, as our stomachs are constantly held in rather than allowed to expand naturally during breath. And while this is 100% anecdotal, I’m convinced this is true for maaaany women out there.  The Pressure to Have a “Flat Stomach” Think about the last time you saw a woman with a relaxed, soft belly in a magazine ad.  Rarely, if ever, right?  Media, fashion, and even social media have glorified the image of a perfectly flat stomach. Never mind that this isn’t a realistic or healthy expectation for most of us.  Fat-shaming—the negative stigma attached to having fat on our bodies—compounds this issue, as we’re made to feel ashamed of our natural bodies. Even health movements are often co-opted to promote fat loss, rather than true health, leaving us with the belief that any hint of a round stomach is unacceptable.  This pervasive beauty standard doesn’t just affect how we look at ourselves in the mirror. It shapes how we move, sit, stand, and even breathe. The Patriarchy Discourages Women Belly Breathing At the heart of this phenomenon is *drumroll* THE PATRIARCHY! A system that has historically controlled women’s bodies to align with the expectations of men. By discouraging belly breathing—whether consciously or unconsciously—society subtly enforces the idea that our bodies should be small, quiet, and controlled. The Role of Fatphobia in Policing Women’s Bodies As women, we are constantly told to shrink ourselves. This doesn’t just apply to weight but extends to how we occupy physical and social spaces.  Fatphobia, the systemic fear and stigmatisation of fat bodies, ensures that, as women, we are encouraged to take up as little space as possible.  By chest breathing, we avoid expanding our bodies, minimising our presence and reinforcing the idea that our value comes from being thin, pleasant to men, and unobtrusive. Control Over Women’s Bodies for Male Approval When we trace this issue back to its root, we find the influence of the male gaze—the notion that women’s appearances and actions are primarily evaluated through a lens of male approval.  A flat stomach, even to the point of inhibiting natural breathing, is often considered more attractive by societal standards. Think about the centuries of corset-wearing women did! This leads to us women being socially conditioned to prioritse aesthetics over our own well-being. #Shoutout to ShapeWear! Even when it affects something as fundamental as our breath.   But this isn’t just about vanity.  It’s about control.  Women are taught to constantly monitor and adjust their bodies, leaving little room for autonomy and authenticity.  So, the simple act of letting your belly expand during a breath becomes a form of rebellion. Ridiculous, I know, but also true.  Women belly breathing is a declaration that our bodies are not meant

A Safe Space for Black Women | Chai & Sunshine

When starting Chai & Sunshine, I looked up many successful blogs for inspiration. Cup of Jo and The Blonde Abroad were of particular interest for the aesthetic and the engagement.  But I subconsciously imbibed something else from my blogging research.  That to be successful, I should keep things light.  To be successful, I should keep things white. My blog should be about design and style, with curated images and clever, non-threatening humour.  But as I work through my own unlearning – including internalised racism and misogyny – I realise that what I want to talk about and create is not just another “white woman blog”.  I do not want to be a minor character in my own creation.  What I want to create is a safe space for authenticity, starting with myself. I want to create a safe space for black women, which means a safe space for all women, which means a safe space for everyone. I want to create space for us to exist as our whole selves. And I want to do this intentionally. Not when it’s convenient. Not as a “nice to have”.  So, I’m going to be redoing the categories on this blog to better reflect me my actual values.  And it will be unapologetic. Say it unapologetically What I feel x My values = Say it unapologetically I came across this equation today and fell in love.  As part of the childhood trauma club, it’s been a long journey to figuring out how I actually feel about things. Historically, I have only concerned myself with how others feel and how I was supposed to feel in reaction to that to avoid conflict.  When I started on the journey of authenticity, it would take me a couple of weeks before I could identify what that twinge in my tummy meant. I’ve gotten that down to a few minutes now.  Not knowing what I truly felt about things meant that I also didn’t know what my values were. I certainly could not tell you whether I valued myself. But there were clear indications that I did not value myself very highly.  Understanding how I truly feel about things, and working through questions around my intrinsic value as a human being have helped me grow immensely in confidence.  A year ago, I would have not had the confidence to unapologetically say:  I am created a safe space for black women on my blog.  And I don’t care about being everything to everybody anymore.  Don’t try to be everything to everybody Are you a people-pleaser?  Well, name 3 people who are pleased with you.  As a veteran people-pleaser, I have a duty to inform the active-duty people-pleasers that it is a senseless quest you embark on. My blog so far has been trying to cater to the feelings of everyone. Mainly women.  But not saying anything about my experience as a black, African, woman, that may make anyone else feel excluded or uncomfortable.  But in censoring such integral parts of myself, I wasn’t being authentic.  And we aren’t about that anymore.  So, while everyone is and always will be welcome, I will also be specifically expressing my experiences as a black woman.  Final Thoughts My journey through to finally allowing myself to take up space is sweet and beautiful.  It’s like I can finally see myself – the core of personality beneath all the trauma responses I had adopted to survive.  Join me on this ride into realness, y’all. 

Life is a Game Series: Four Fun Things! (August 2024)

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. Shakespeare Isn’t it fascinating how the metaphor of life as a game or play is echoed across cultures and philosophies? From the Bhagavad Gita to philosopher Alan Watts, there’s a shared idea that life isn’t meant to be taken too seriously. It’s a dance, a cosmic play, where we’re both the participants and the observers. I’m a big believer that life is what you make of it. You can choose to see it as a hell to endure. Or you can choose to see it as a game. I choose to see it as something to dance to. Something un-serious. Something I get to enjoy and experience and create.  As no one can actually prove what the meaning of life is, why not choose the theory that makes us the most happy? Why not embrace the perspective that life is a game?  That doesn’t mean being reckless or irresponsible. It’s about finding joy in the process, taking risks, and sometimes even laughing when things go wrong.  After all, what’s a life without a little fun? As I dive into this month’s four fun things, let’s keep this playful spirit in mind. Whether it’s trying something new, indulging in a guilty pleasure, or just being a little more spontaneous, the point is to have as much fun as possible while we’re here.  You ready to play, cowgirls?  Life is an Escape Room It’d been a long time since I’d actively tried to have fun. So, when hubby suggested an escape room on my birthday, I was all in. I love escape rooms so much! The detail and mystery behind the storylines and the time pressure to solve all the riddles get me going like an excitable little kid.  There’s something about the thrill of the escape room that is some kinda metaphor for life.  Perhaps life is a game just like a long escape room. We’ve just got to remember to get excited for all the challenges in our way. The Bhagavad Gita & My Birthday Tat Right after the fun escape room, we head to the tattoo parlour. I haven’t had a tattoo inked on me since I was a teen. And I’ve never had a tattoo done I actually wanted. (Long story, I was a confused young girl). But a couple of weeks back, while reading an amazing book, the urge struck me. I wanted something meaningful to remind me that life is a game and that there is a greater reality to the illusion of our daily lives.  So, I turned to my favourite book – the Bhagavad Gita – and found a quote. “You were never born; you will never die. You have never changed; you can never change. Unborn, eternal, immutable, immemorial, you do not die when the body dies.” Easwaran's translation of the Bhagavad Gita The Bhagavad Gita is a sacred Hindu scripture. It is a dialogue between Prince Arjuna and the god Krishna, who imparts profound spiritual wisdom and philosophical teachings to Arjuna, addressing fundamental questions about duty, righteousness, the nature of the self, and the purpose of life. The Bhagavad Gita invites us to embrace our roles without attachment (even explaining Prince Arjuna’s role as a warrior and his duty to kill). It urges us to play our part in the divine game of life without getting entangled in the outcomes.  So, here’s my new tattoo. A Long Summer Holiday, Alone I was worried about our first August in Portugal. Schools would be closed. Temperatures would be g**damn-level hot in Portugal. Historically, not a great combo for my mental health. But then my husband’s parents say they’re coming over to visit for a couple of weeks. They’d be renting a little beach house and the plan was for my husband and the kids to stay there.  Following that, him and the kids would go over to the UK to see the rest of the family for another 10 days.  And just like that, August went from dread to vacation. 3+ weeks of alone time for me, after 3 years of losing bodily autonomy. (That’s what being pregnant and having twins is – the loss of bodily autonomy).  I had no idea how much I actually needed this break until 4 days in. My mind suddenly started clearing and my body started stepping out of fight-or-flight mode.  And yes, I love my kids, but no, I still needed the time apart. I am soaking up every nanosecond of peace, independence, and introspection as I can. Recharging the batteries. I’m excited for them to come home to a better mommy. (And I miss them all!) Dropping Shame & Giving Fewer F*cks I think it must have been from this long, solo-break I’ve been having.  I’ve been using my time to explore some of my deeply entrenched sources of shame.  Like my internalised racism, sexism, and misogynoir.  And in shining a light on these internalised beliefs, they’ve stopped being such extreme sources of shame.  After exposing them to the light of reason, self-love, and existentialism, they’ve revealed themselves to be phantoms. And these ghosts were only living inside of me because I let them.  It’s from this point of earned freedom that I got the tattoo that I wanted. In fact, I think it was dropping shame that allowed me to even want a tattoo for myself.  Because I was brought up to believe that tattoos were for “bad people”. Decent people didn’t get tattoos. So, my tattoo as a teen was out of pure rebellion. But this one was out of love. My in-laws also came over to the house before it was time for them all to head to the airport. The house I was staying at alone was a complete mess. Normally, I’d scramble to tidy up before they arrived. But I didn’t.  My husband had a shame attack on my behalf which made me realise how dry my well of shame was. 

European Cuisine: A Food Tour of Epic Portions

“European cuisine,” a restaurant sign said.  European cuisine???  What European cuisine?  European cuisine is as diverse as its languages, landscapes, and histories. We can’t simply lump them into a homogenous continental taste. So, in this post, we’ll embark on a culinary journey through the continent, exploring the rich flavours that make European food so extraordinary. And if you behave, dear reader, I may even suggest some culinary food itineraries. This way, you can eat, pray, love your way through the deliciousness.  You’re welcome!  Disclaimer: Europe is a vast continent with countless regional variations. This post is just a starting point for your culinary exploration. So please, get curious. This post is also limited to where I have travelled to/ food I have explored. There’s obviously soooo much more. And I am also highly biased. Potato & Beer Europe Although every country in the world has it’s own quirks, it’s clear that there is a very obvious culinary divide on the European continent.  On social media, it’s been called the potato/ tomato divide. I’ve also heard it being called the beer/ wine divide. It also follows the weather (grim/ sunny), and a language divide (Germanic, Latin). IYKYK.  We’re going to first look at the potato/ beer/ grim weather/ Germanic European cuisine first.  Vegans, turn away NOW!  German Cuisine is (Not?) the Wurst A giant schnitzel with a meagre side salad When I visited Germany nearly 10 years ago, the food was NOT something I enjoyed. As a long-time vegetarian, I was a little annoyed that even the French fries came with ham bits and were fried in animal fat.  But I was pleasantly surprised on a work trip to Berlin a couple of years back where I found a wide variety of fun, delicious eating spots in the vibrant city. Unfortunately, as a vegetarian, none of these spots offered traditional German cuisine.  German food is still heavily meat-based. Schnitzel, the endless variations on the wurst sausages, pork and chicken dishes dominate the main meals. I cannot attest to their deliciousness, but it does look very hearty (if not a little heart-attack-y).  Beyond boiled vegetables, there are some German–vegetarian options, like the German-version of mac-and-cheese: käsespätzle. German baked goods are also delicious. They have many gorgeous dark breads, yummy cakes, and, of course, it’s the home of the pretzel (vegan!). For vegetarian versions of German cuisine, check out Forsters in Berlin. You’re welcome! British Pub Grub A Beef Wellington with a Degree from Oxford I detest “chip shops” and old-style pubs (including every Weatherspoons I’ve ever been to). They’re smelly, dusty and dark. Or worse, lit with operating-table fluorescent lights and reeking of cheap oil. The food at these places is also generally quite hit-and-miss. And more often than not, a greasy miss. Thankfully, a sub-group of British cuisine has evolved significantly from the traditional pub grub.  Introducing: the gastropub. These are pubs that serve high-quality food, and often offer a better ambiance, too.  Gastropubs create delicious, modern takes on British classics like the shepherd’s pie, fish & chips, and various pies.  And the wonderful thing about the UK is that they cater very well to a variety of diets. Gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, nut-free… you’ll find something delicious for everyone.  The one thing I don’t mess with in the UK?  Traditional British desserts.  Be it the scones, sticky toffee pudding, or the god-awful Christmas cake that Brits like to set on fire, it’s a “no” from me. I’ll eat everything else, though.  Except for the black pudding. (It’s made from congealed blood). Swiss Cheese & Chocolate The Swiss Win Potato European Cuisine with the Cheese Fondue Now, if I had to live anywhere in Potato Europe and settle for only having that specific European cuisine my whole life, I would choose Switzerland.  I would, however, be cheating.  Because Switzerland is Potato and Tomato Europe fused into one ball of deliciousness.  You have the Alpine lamb dishes, hearty stews, and cheese pies. (Yup, that gorgeous Swiss cheese with the holes). And you have the lovely dishes from their French side, including raclette and fondue.  And if that isn’t enough, there’s an Italian speaking area of Switzerland, too. So, hello Risotto and pasta!  And don’t forget dessert. Swiss chocolate. Swiss rolls. Swiss meringue. All the cakes and pastries… *salivates* Switzerland really has it all.  Belgium: Half Potato, Half Tomato Second only to Switzerland, I’d choose Belgium.  Half potato and beer, half tomato and wine, Belgium is a delicious blend of culinary traditions from all across European cuisine.   Think of Belgian fries to Belgian chocolates to Belgian waffles to Belgian beer… yes, it’s ALL delicious! (By the way, what we think of as “French fries” are actually Belgian. Just erroneously named by American soldiers during one of the world wars). So if you’re looking to sample different cuisines and cultures without leaving one country, go to Belgium. You’ll find French, Dutch, and Flemmish traditions, all with numerous tasty treats to offer a food tourist. Czech Beer & Dumplings Beer is Cheaper than Water in Czechia… I went to Prague, and honestly cannot remember anything I ate.  This might be because the beer was cheaper than water. Tasty, light, and so diverse! Czech beer is some of the best in the world.  But if you are looking for something to help you hold your alcohol down, you can check out their dumplings (knedlíky) and some of their stews.  People have told me that Czech food is comfort food.  And maybe it is.  I just don’t remember much of anything from my trip to Prague. Except for the beer and a very scary Russian man at the bar… Tomato & Wine Europe Tomato Europe, or southern European cuisine. Yessss.  The Mediterranean diet is as yummy as it is healthy (in moderation!). It’s also made for slow eating among friends and family. I’ve spent a good amount of time in France, Spain, and Italy. Our family is currently living in Portugal.  If you’re looking for fun, sun, and yum, Tomato Europe is your jam. Ze French: Oui, oui, mais ouias… Apéro: A French Pre-Drinks with Cheese,

Why NOT to Live in Portugal: 6 Reasons Not to Move (2024)

Portugal.  Of late, Portugal has captured hearts with its promise of sunshine, affordability, and a laid-back lifestyle. I mean, we moved here in September 2023 and haven’t looked back. But before you pack your bags and book a one-way ticket, it’s essential to consider the potential downsides.  While my family and I have thoroughly enjoyed our expat adventure here, there are certain aspects of life in Portugal that might not suit everyone.  Let’s dive into 6 reasons why NOT to live in Portugal. 1. Portugal’s Laid-Back Pace and Bureaucracy May Drive You Nuts Portugal is renowned for its relaxed atmosphere, which is undoubtedly a huge draw for many.  But if you’re used to the fast-paced hustle and bustle of a big city, the slower pace of life here might feel like a drag.  Most gyms open after 7am, and many restaurants close after lunch and before dinner, probably for a siesta.  Hand-in-hand with the relaxed pace of life is Portugal’s bureaucratic system. From obtaining residency permits to dealing with taxes, expect plenty of paperwork, multiple trips, confusion, and waiting around. For example, one year in, I’m still waiting on my residency permit (I’m a South African national). I was told I’d have my residency permit within 6 weeks.  I’m now in month 6, with no indication when it’ll arrive. (“Don’t worry, it sometimes can take a year,” a well-meaning Portuguese bureaucrat told me. Great.)  The courts also close completely from 16 July to 31 August, adding to an already large backlog, so it’d be wise not to need legal justice in July. Despite this, I still find Portugal remarkably easy to get settled into. I think it’s because I’ve lived in South Africa, Ethiopia, and France, and have inadvertently become a professional bureaucracy navigator. But I find the laws and civil servants here to be fair and not out to make life harder.  Good luck to you Americans, British, and Australian/ New Zealanders with low bureaucracy thresholds. Take some yoga and meditation classes before moving here. 2. The Cost of Living Isn’t Always as Low as You Think Portugal is often seen as a budget-friendly destination.  And while it’s true that the overall cost of living is lower than many other European countries (*side-eye* UK), it’s essential to look beyond the headline figures.  Rents in cities like Lisbon and Porto have risen significantly in recent years. And while you can certainly find affordable accommodation, it might involve some compromises (see Point 3). Additionally, while fresh produce is generally inexpensive, other items like imported goods and dining out can add up quickly.  Also, private health insurance and private school is often recommended for expats, which can add a substantial expense to your monthly budget. Monthly ballpark figure for an expat family of 4:- includes 2 children in private school- 2-bed rental in a residential area near Lisbon= ~3,500 EUR/ month Make sure you’re on top of your budget before moving here. 3. Portugal’s Real Estate Market: Yikes! The Portuguese real estate market can be a minefield for locals and foreigners alike!  In cities like Lisbon and Porto, property prices are wildly overvalued because of a housing shortage. The influx of foreign investors seeking Golden Visas through property investment have not helped. Conversely, rural areas, while offering a charming escape, come with their own set of hurdles. From complex legal restrictions to dilapidated properties (think high-priced ruins), finding the plot can be daunting.  And new builds, while promising modern living, often involve navigating a maze of bureaucratic red tape and dealing with unscrupulous developers.  Then there are the… aesthetic challenges (see pictures below). Many Portuguese buildings, especially older ones, lack the curb appeal we’re accustomed to.  Graffiti, peeling paint, and the absence of elevators are common. It’s a stark contrast to the postcard-perfect Portugal often portrayed. So, if you’re a first-time buyer with limited funds (like us), you might want to consider this as a reason why not to live in Portugal. 4. Local Jobs and Salaries May Not Pay the Bills Portugal’s economy has been improving, but job opportunities, especially for English speakers, remain concentrated in the major cities of Lisbon and Porto.  If you’re looking to work in a specific industry or field, your options might be limited outside these urban centers. But even if you find a job, the remuneration may be a big reason why not to live in portugal. With a minimum monthly wage of 820EUR in 2024, and highly skilled workers often stuck with salaries below 3,000EUR, you might struggle to make ends meet. And that’s saying nothing of all the taxes!  What most expats try to do, and what many Portuguese are starting to do, is working remotely for international companies.  In fact, many young Portuguese are leaving Portugal in search of better jobs in the rest of Europe.  5. Economic Outlook Concerns While Portugal has made significant strides in maintaining steady economic growth, the country still faces challenges.  Unemployment rates remain relatively high at 6.5%, and the economy is heavily reliant on tourism.  This means that Portugal’s economic outlook can be susceptible to external factors, such as global economic downturns or changes in travel trends. The Covid-19 pandemic was a particularly nasty time for the country.   6. The Portuguese Summer is a Double-Edged Sword Portugal enjoys a fantastic climate for most of the year, but the summers can be incredibly hot and dry.  While the beaches are lovely, prolonged exposure to high temperatures and UV can be challenging, not to mention dangerous.  Personally, extreme heat makes me really cranky. NOT great in general, but highly problematic when you’re a mom to twin toddlers.  So, if you’re considering moving to Portugal, bear in mind how you extreme handle heat and make a plan, proactively.  For me, I’ve found myself staying indoors with a fan pointed at me 24/7 throughout the entirety of August. The twins’ grandparents have whisked the girls to safety, and away from hot-angry-mommy. On top of that, many parts of Portugal experience water shortages during the summer months, which can

Do you need to be smart to be successful? (Science Answers)

From a young age, we’re taught to value intelligence above almost everything else. Ace your tests, get into a good college, land a high-paying job – the formula for success seems pretty straightforward.  And with job requirements ballooning to include more and more degrees, it’s easy to believe that smarts are the ultimate ticket to the top.  But is it really that simple?  Do you need to be smart to be successful? Does intelligence make you more likely to achieve career triumph and life satisfaction?  My good people, here’s what the science says. I will start with a caveat* As a society, we have generally equated being smart with a person’s IQ score or their level of education.  I don’t necessarily agree that intelligence is what makes a person “smart”, but it is this perspective that the blog post will explore. Is education the key to success? As a child with immigrant parents, I grew up with a particular emphasis on education. “Get a good education, and you’ll be set for life.” “Education is the one thing that you will always have. It’s the one thing you can always fall back on.” But is that really true?  A Shifting Educational Goalpost The bar for entry into many professions is steadily rising.  What once required a high school diploma now often demands a bachelor’s degree. Some fields even require advanced degrees or specialised certifications.  This trend can be partly attributed to the increasing complexity of modern jobs. However, there’s also what the BBC is calling “degree inflation”. This refers to the increasing demand for college degrees, even for jobs that historically didn’t require them.  Degree inflation can lead to increased student debt as more people pursue higher education. It can also create a skills gap as employers struggle to find and retain workers for certain “middle-skilled” roles (like bookkeeping, for example).  However, while this has its challenges, higher education can also often lead to higher wages. The question is, “Is it worth it?” Does More Education Mean More Success? Research consistently shows that individuals with advanced degrees tend to earn more over their lifetimes, allowing for a better quality of life.  It’s also predicted that, by 2031, around 72% of all future jobs are going to require post-secondary training, and at least 42% of jobs a college degree. Studies have also linked higher education to improved health outcomes and increased life expectancy.  Factors such as better access to healthcare, healthier lifestyle choices, and lower stress levels associated with higher-paying jobs contribute to this correlation. So, do you need to be smart to be successful?  Well, it’s not all black and white. And the nuance comes in the details. A degree in a high-demand field with strong earning potential may be a sound investment.  But pursuing a degree in a saturated field with lower earning prospects may not yield all the abovementioned rewards.  Carefully weighing the potential costs, including tuition, fees, and lost income, against the expected benefits is crucial in making an informed decision. You don’t ONLY need to be smart to be successful: The other factors While book smarts are undoubtedly a valuable asset, they are far from being the sole determinant of success. Numerous other factors contribute significantly to an individual’s achievements.  In fact, they likely make a lot more of a difference than just a high IQ. Grit: Passion x Resilience x Consistency We all know or have heard of incredibly intelligent individuals who never quite reached their full potential. Conversely, many highly successful people aren’t necessarily considered geniuses.  The secret to their success, according to psychologist Angela Duckworth, often lies in their grit – their perseverance, passion, determination, and consistency.  Consistency, especially, is often overlooked in favor of flashy talent or intelligence.  However, it’s the ability to show up day after day, consistently putting in the effort, that truly sets people apart.  This unwavering commitment to long-term goals, coupled with the ability to bounce back from setbacks, is a powerful predictor of success. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8 Emotional Intelligence: The Overlooked Smarts Intelligence is about understanding and processing information, while emotional intelligence is about understanding and managing emotions.  It may seem like meaner, tougher personalities are those that succeed, but it isn’t true. In fact, emotional intelligence (or EQ) is a better predictor of success than IQ! This ability to recognise and regulate one’s own emotions, as well as empathise with others, is crucial for achieving personal and professional goals. Other Factors: Environment, Network, and Luck While individual qualities are essential, external factors also play a massive role in shaping success.  Growing up in a supportive environment, having access to quality education can provide invaluable advantages.  Of course, there is also the lucky people who can pull the “do you know who my daddy is?” card. They have the power of a strong network. These things are often not up to us, but it is never too late to try and improve your environment and network (scholarships, apprenticeships, etc. can do wonders!). Additionally, a degree of luck or favorable circumstances can influence outcomes. (Lottery, anyone?) However, it’s important to remember that while these factors can impact success, they don’t define it.  Ultimately, personal drive and resilience are the qualities that truly make a difference. Cultivating a Growth Mindset Along with education, a growth mindset is essential for lifelong learning and adaptation.  Individuals with a growth mindset believe their abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work. They embrace challenges as opportunities for growth and learn from setbacks. By cultivating a growth mindset, individuals become more resilient, adaptable, and open to new experiences.  The Importance of Lifelong Learning The pace of change in today’s world necessitates continuous learning. What was relevant yesterday may be obsolete tomorrow. To stay competitive and fulfill one’s potential, individuals must commit to lifelong learning. This involves staying curious, seeking out new knowledge and skills, and adapting to evolving circumstances. By embracing a lifelong learning mindset, individuals can unlock new opportunities and maintain a sense of purpose throughout their lives. Final Thoughts Education and “being smart” is undoubtedly

Scheduled Downtime: Why It’s Good to do Nothing Once in a While

Scheduled downtime.  It’s a term associated to our technological companions. But somehow doesn’t come with the same kind of acceptance and understanding when referring to us.  More often than not, it doesn’t even cross our minds to book in some scheduled downtime for ourselves. And when it does, it often comes with guilt and hesitation.  So, what is it about rest that has us feeling so conflicted? Here’s my take on why it’s good to do nothing once in a while, and why we don’t do it. What is scheduled downtime? (And what’s not?) Our society is so far removed from what true, planned rest looks like, I thought it worthwhile to define it for us.  Scheduled downtime is not simply taking a holiday or some paid time off. It’s a statement of value to yourself and to others. You’re demonstrating with your actions that you value yourself and your health.  Here is my criteria for what qualifies (and what doesn’t!) as scheduled downtime: 1. Scheduled Downtime is Planned Ahead of Time Though it may seem obvious, scheduled downtime has to be scheduled. So, quality downtime can’t be spontaneous or opportunistic – like when you’ve got an unexpected lull at work or when you’re ill.  To make full use of scheduled downtime, it should be planned. Not only will it help you fully relax, but you’re also sending yourself an important message.  You’re telling your nervous system that you value yourself, your mind, and your body, and that you are deserving of rest. 2. Scheduled Downtime is Free from Responsibility It’s not scheduled downtime if you still have your usual responsibilities.  Kids. Chores. It should all be put on hold. Nobody and nothing should be relying on you during your downtime.  There should also be no threat of responsibility. So, don’t be sneakily pretending to “work from home” hoping no one finds out.  Formally take time off, get your automatic e-mails up, and make sure your kids (and/ or spouses) are not around to bother you. 3. Scheduled Downtime is NOT a Time to Keep Up with Anything Except the Kardashians One thing you might be tempted to do is use the scheduled downtime to get ahead on your ever-growing task list.   We’re so pressured keep up with our work, our chores, and even with replying to e-mails and WhatsApps, that we often feel obliged to use our downtime to do that. But scheduled downtime means that you give yourself a break from that all-consuming pressure. Release yourself from the need to keep up. 4. Scheduled Downtime should Free Up Mental Real Estate Not only should you not be doing anything to keep up with work or chores during your scheduled downtime, but you should also be giving your mind a rest. During scheduled downtime, you should try to minimise your mental stress and the number of taxing decisions you have to make.  This also means not forcing yourself to stick to your normal routines (bye-bye 5 am wake up!) or other optional commitments.  Your scheduled downtime is for fully recharging, not for enforcing discipline. Why it’s good to do nothing sometimes, but why it feels so bad I find something inherently depressing but very telling about the term Paid Time Off, or “PTO.”  It’s thinly veiled corporate speak for the harsh equation: work in exchange for permission to exist outside of work.  It implies our primary purpose is to toil away, with brief respites granted at the employer’s discretion. Work is, therefore, the centre of our lives. But should our worth be measured by our output? And should leisure time be reduced to a necessary evil to prevent burnout? If our corporate overlords could find a way to prevent worker burnout without the leave, I’m sure we’d see our precious PTO vanish. “Idle Hands are the Devil’s Playthings” This warped perspective on work and leisure has its roots in a puritanical work ethic that equates idleness with sin. Capitalism has since proliferated this worldview and conditioned us into believing that relaxation is a moral failing.  However, our drive for productivity ignores our evolutionary history. Hunter-gatherers worked far less than we do. But ever since the agrarian revolution, we’ve been steadily working longer and harder hours.  And now, the information age threatens to blur the lines between work and life even further. Because of technology, we’re now “on call” 24/7. This relentless pressure to be constantly productive creates a toxic cycle of guilt and exhaustion.  How often and for how long should you do nothing? The ideal duration and frequency of scheduled downtime is going to be different for different people.  But while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, I recommend aiming for regular periods of uninterrupted relaxation.  Some people like weekend getaways or more frequent half-day escapes. But my schedule is 3 full days of scheduled downtime every 3 months.  Even though I spend those 3 days in a (often dark) room with food and lots of TV to watch, they leave me more refreshed than a conventional holiday away.  The key is to listen to your body and mind.  Recognise when you’re likely to feel overwhelmed or burnt out to schedule in some downtime before you snap. Then make it a tradition! Scheduled downtime: Some ground rules to consider Now, I don’t have hard set rules for scheduled downtime. But I do have some guidelines.  I’ll share my personal rules with you in case you find them helpful: (1) Be Alone For me, it’s not really downtime if I’m with someone. And as lovely and easy as my husband is, there’s just something recharging about being alone.  Maybe it’s not having to check in with anyone. Maybe it’s about not having to speak for a couple of days.  Whatever it is, I definitely recommend doing your scheduled downtime alone.  (2) Be Unavailable Do not be nice and tell people that they can contact you if they need something.  Let them figure out what to do on their own!  Warn your work colleagues, your parents, your kids, your spouse not to contact you unless it’s an emergency. 

How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent (and Enjoy Your Kids)

I’m writing this “how to stop being a perfectionist parent” post specifically for my husband, knowing full well that he will likely never read it.  The topic came up yesterday.  “I feel like we’re failing,” he told me, out of the blue. “The house is always a mess, we never give them proper meals, and they watch too much TV.” “Wow,” I thought. “He sounds just like my inner voice from back when I was depressed.” But thanks to that horrendous PPD experience, I knew exactly what was going on with my otherwise carefree hubby.  So, I told him.  “You’re being too perfectionistic,” I said. “You’re holding yourself up to unrealistic standards and feeling terrible about a problem that isn’t really there.” He nodded. “I agree,” he said. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Because, unfortunately, diagnosing the problem and knowing how to fix it are two different things. So, this post is my way of deciphering how I was able to stop being a perfectionist parent and actually enjoy my kids.  Then, I’ll report back to my husband because he’s yet to read a full Chai and Sunshine article. And, in the meantime, I hope it helps you, too. 8 Signs of a Perfectionist Parent Before we dive into how to stop being a perfectionist parent, we need to understand the myriad ways perfectionism can manifest. Only once we understand the common signs of a perfectionist parent can we do something about it. And for anyone in denial or doubt, read these signs out to your spouse, co-parent, or kids. Ask if they recognise these behaviours in you. It might not be pleasant, but it’s the first step in lasting change. Here are 8 signs of a perfectionist parent.  Note: these tendencies can be either self-directed (not feeling like a good enough parent) or directed at the child (being hard on them so they can reach your high standards). You might find that it’s a little bit of both. You also don’t need to tick off all 8 signs to make some changes. 1. Unrealistic Expectations Setting unrealistic and often unattainable standards for yourself or your child. Not taking into account the present resources or abilities when setting these goals.  2. Constant Criticism Frequent or constant self-criticism for your perceived parenting shortcomings (or the “shortcomings” of your child). Focusing on your children’s mistakes rather than their accomplishments. 3. Comparing/ Competing with Others When you do set unattainable goals and standards, it’s often image-related or superficial. You may also compare your reality to what you see of other parents and their children. This may leave you feeling inadequate. 4. Fear of Failure/ Excessive Pressure You may have an outsized idea of what the consequences of anything less-than-perfect may result in. For example, “you will never find friends if you’re always looking so scruffy!” You may also have an unhealthy fixation on past mistakes. 5. Over Involvement/ Micromanagement Directing your kids’ or co-parent’s every action. Getting involved in their lives on a granular level. 6. Ignoring Emotional Needs Prioritising achievements and portraying a “perfect” image over the emotional needs of you or your child(ren). 7. Lack of Spontaneity No room for creativity or relaxation. Rigid rules and schedules for you and/or your family dominate your life. (E.g. nap times, dinner times, eating schedules or menus).  8. Living Through the Child Think “Dance Moms” or “Pageant Moms”. Projecting your unfulfilled dreams onto your child(ren).   Why It’s NOT Easy to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Breaking free from the grip of perfectionist parenting can be really challenging. (It sure was for me!) At its core, it’s deeply rooted in the desire to provide the best possible life for our children. But the fear of making mistakes or falling short can be paralysing. This often results in the very opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, reigniting the cycle of perfectionist control all over again.  But what makes perfectionism really hard to get rid of is that it’s often intertwined with our own self-worth. Because perfectionist parents often lack a strong internal compass, they are more susceptible to adopting external standards. This means striving for what society deems as excellent rather than listening to your own needs or those of your child. It may also mean getting caught in a cycle of comparison. We look at other parents and their seemingly perfect children, forgetting that everyone faces challenges behind closed doors. This often stems from various factors, including childhood trauma, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, insecure attachment styles, or underlying issues like undiagnosed OCD or other anxiety-related conditions. Breaking free requires awareness and a shift in perspective. It means learning to build authentic relationships with yourself and your children, rather than relating to yourself and them solely through achievements. How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Societal pressures to achieve, coupled with personal insecurities, often fuel the perfectionist mindset. Additionally, it’s difficult to let go of the illusion of control. As parents, we crave the ability to shape our children’s futures, and perfectionism can feel like a way to exert that control.  The first step to overcoming these perfectionist tendencies is therefore self-awareness. Keep a diary of your thoughts and behaviours, paying close attention to all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophising tendencies.  Like when my husband said that we were “failing” because “the house is always a mess” and “we never give them proper meals”. These cognitive distortions often magnify the consequences of imperfections.  Along with this self-awareness, I recommend practicing deep curiosity about the roots of your perfectionism. Does your perfectionist inner voice sound uncomfortably similar to that of a critical caregiver?  Or maybe by aiming for perfection you’re subconsciously seeking validation from an absent or emotionally distant caregiver. Understanding these underlying drivers is crucial for breaking free from the perfectionist cycle. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process. A trained therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies for managing perfectionistic tendencies.  By working through past experiences and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can gradually release the grip of perfectionism

In Defence of Gentle Parenting (and Why it’s Not Working for You)

Gentle parenting. It’s what my generation of parents – the millennials – have turned to as the gold standard. But for some reason, it’s controversial amoung childless boomers like talk show host Bill Maher, who spent 10 minutes calling for the return of “trad dads” and comparing parenting to blow jobs.  Yuck. But these insensitive boomer mofos are the exact reason why we’re all in therapy.  So, in defence of gentle parenting, here’s my take on why it might not be “working” for some of you. What is Gentle Parenting? Gentle parenting is focused on building a strong, loving connection with your child while setting clear, consistent boundaries. It’s about responding to your child’s emotions with empathy, patience, and respect. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards, gentle parenting emphasises positive discipline, co-operation, and problem-solving. Can you imagine: a child with strong inherent self-worth? It’s creating a safe space for your child to learn, grow, and develop into a confident, compassionate individual. And also about creating a safe enough space for your children to come to you in times of trouble. Essentially, gentle parenting is about treating your child with the same respect and understanding you’d hope to receive. What’s so controversial about that? Principles and Characteristics of Gentle Parenting (with Examples) Now, the only reason I imagine people not agreeing with gentle parenting is because they didn’t have gentle parents themselves. And their inner critic wants to make sure everyone else gets the same harsh treatment they received. Here are some principles and characteristics of what gentle parenting means on a practical level. 1. Your Child is their Own Person Perhaps the most important principle for me: realsing your child is their own person with their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  They are not merely an under-developed human waiting to be moulded by you into your ideal version of what a child is to be. Respecting this, and respecting their interests and feelings is paramount to raising healthy human beings. 2. Emotional Validation Understanding and validating your child’s feelings is so key. Instead of dismissing emotions like anger or frustration, gentle parenting means parents listen actively and offer comfort.  For example, if a child is upset, even if you don’t think it’s logical, a gentle parent might say, “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way.”  We also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big feelings.  3. Respectful Communication Treating your child with respect, even when they’re challenging, sets your kid up to trust you, have a strong sense of worth, and be respectful all at once. This involves using kind and respectful language, explaining reasons behind decisions, and inviting your child to share their perspective. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop it!” (or worse), a gentle parent might calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but we don’t throw toys around the house because they might break things. When things get broken, mommy and daddy feel sad.” Above: The twins, happy in the sand | Right: In bed with the twins for a morning snuggle 4. Clear, Consistent Boundaries While gentle parenting emphasises connection, it also recognises the importance of limits.  Age-appropriate boundaries are set with firmness and kindness, explaining expectations and consequences clearly.  For example, if a child is hitting, a gentle parent might say, “Hitting hurts. We use our words to express anger. We don’t hit.” Boundaries are some of the best things we can impart to our kids. Too few (permissive) can lead to a person with narcissistic personality disorder and traits. Too many and too harsh (authoritarian) is associated with many issues too. 5. Age-Appropriate Autonomy Empowering your child to make choices and solve problems builds confidence and resilience.  Gentle parenting encourages autonomy while providing support and guidance.  For example, when faced with a decision, a gentle parent might offer options and help weigh the pros and cons. Gentle parents aren’t helicopter parents. Nor do they prescribe or direct.  They build their children’s self-esteem by allowing them to experiment and figure things out. 6. Positive Reinforcements and (Mostly Natural) Consequences Gentle parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior and allowing natural consequences to teach valuable lessons.  Instead of relying on punishment, parents use praise, encouragement, and logical consequences.  For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, a natural consequence might be the inability to find a specific toy when they want to play with it. Of course, there are times when parents need to add consequences because the natural consequence may not be enough to deter the young one.  But if you’ve built enough trust, we’ve found that you simply have to explain why you do/ don’t do something and your children (even as young as 2) will believe you and refrain from the offending behaviour. Why Gentle Parenting isn’t “Working” for You People (parents and onlookers) are often frustrated that gentle parenting does not yield quick results. And it’s tempting to be less gentle when your little one is having a meltdown at the restaurant. But gentle parenting is NOT merely a quick fix or a set of techniques to manipulate children into behaving perfectly. It’s a philosophy rooted in respect, empathy, and building a strong parent-child bond. Seeing gentle parenting as a tool to control outcomes rather than a foundation for a healthy relationship is the opposite of gentle parenting. It is just another form of manipulation and control. If you’re pretending to gentle parent in order to get the child to do what you want, you’ve missed the core idea: that children are individuals with their own personalities and needs, not projects to be moulded. True transformation occurs over time as children develop a strong sense of self, security, and autonomy within a loving, consistent environment. (Hint: it’s the things a lot of us have to go to therapy in adulthood to try to mend). The “results” of gentle parenting are embedded in a child’s character, their ability to form healthy relationships,

14 Careers AI will replace (and 19 careers it can’t)

If you’ve been Googling “careers AI will replace”, then you’ve probably seen the headlines: “AI is coming for your job (unless you’re a plumber, of course)!” It’s enough to make you want to trade in your laptop for a welding torch. There’s also the complete opposite: “AI will make everyone’s lives better.” Usually touted by the silicon bros. So, which one is it? Is AI a job-stealing overlord or your new best work buddy? Well, before you panic-enroll in plumbing school or computer science, let’s take a deep breath and separate fact from fear-mongering.   Types of careers AI will replace So, which jobs are really in the AI crosshairs? What are the types of careers AI will replace? Well, while it’s tempting to imagine robot baristas and computer-guided brain surgery, the reality is a bit more nuanced. Jobs most likely to be disrupted share a few common traits: they’re often repetitive, data-heavy, and require a predictable decision-making process. These roles tend to involve tasks that can be broken down into specific steps and algorithms, making them prime targets for automation. Think about those jobs where you find yourself performing similar actions day in and day out. If it’s something a computer could potentially learn to do faster and more accurately, then it’s a role that might see some AI disruption.   14 Careers AI will replace in the near future Here are a few careers AI will replace, potentially completely and perhaps even soon.Data-Driven Roles1. Data entry clerks2. Statistical clerks3. Bookkeepers and accountants4. Financial analysts5. Market research analysts Customer Service and Support6. Telemarketers7. Customer service representatives8. Help desk technicians (like those lovely online bots) Manufacturing and Production9. Assembly line workers10. Quality inspectors11. Logistics coordinators Legal and Administrative12. Paralegals13. Administrative assistants14. Legal assistants Types of careers AI can’t replace (right now) Thankfully, jobs that demand a uniquely human touch are likely to be far more resilient to AI disruption (sorry, engineers!). Roles that require empathy, creativity, critical thinking, and adaptability are areas where humans still hold a significant advantage. Consider professions in healthcare, education, and the arts (more on this, later). These fields often involve complex problem-solving, emotional intelligence, and interpersonal skills that are challenging to replicate with current technology. While AI can certainly assist in these areas, it’s unlikely to replace the human element entirely. Until, of course, AI develops superintelligence and kills us all. (Just joking, kinda). Another type of job that is likely safe for the foreseeable future are people who are in manual labour, and I don’t only mean the people in the trades.  Chefs, trainers, and hairdressers are also safe from automation for the next while because robotics that can perform these tasks are currently way too expensive for it to be profitable.   19 Careers that AI can’t replace yet Here are 19 careers AI can’t replace completely anytime soon: Healthcare1. Nurses2. Doctors*3. Therapists4. Dentists Education5. Teachers6. Professors7. Counselors Creative Arts8. Musicians*9. Visual Artists*10. Writers*11. Actors Personal Services12. Hairdressers13. Personal trainers14. Chefs* Trades 15. Plumbers16. Electricians17. Carpenters18. Welders19. Mechanics *These jobs will likely experience severe disruptions through the AI replacement/ enhancement of major tasks. AI and the arts The prompt (Bing image generator): “Paint me the dark, sorrowful scene of Macbeth where they talk about life is full of sound and fury but ultimately signifying nothing out in the Scottish highlands, with Macbeth, the thane of Cawdor, in the style of Monet.” The relationship between AI and the arts is a complex one. And it can often be a touchy subject for artists. But while AI has made significant strides in generating art, music, and literature, thankfully, it remains a tool rather than a replacement for human ingenuity. Humans are drawn to art because it offers a unique window into the human experience. Whether it’s Shakespeare or a Jackson Pollock, whether it’s joy, jealousy, or the deepest sorrow, art’s power to communicate beyond words (even when it’s with words) and what it means to be alive is what sets it apart from AI replicative art. For example, AI can analyse vast datasets of musical compositions to identify patterns and generate new melodies, but it struggles to capture the emotional depth and cultural context that make music truly resonate. Similarly, in the visual arts, AI can create impressive images based on word prompts (see picture above), but it often lacks the conceptual depth and storytelling ability that characterises human-created artwork. So, while AI can be a powerful tool for artists, it cannot replicate the full range of human creativity and expression. What you can do about AI AI isn’t a (always) job killer. In fact, it could be a skill multiplier and time liberator if you know how to use it. Because the real threat isn’t AI replacing your job. It’s people who use AI replacing people who don’t use AI within the same roles.  So, those who embrace AI and develop the skills to harness its potential, in whatever field they’re in, will thrive. Just like our parents adapted to the internet. This technological revolution isn’t about losing jobs but transforming them. Transforming them into less repetitive (i.e. less boring) jobs with a lot more room for creativity and higher thinking. It’s an opportunity to not only secure our professional futures but also enrich our personal lives with the time saved for fun-er tasks. So, sure. You can try to fight it, or you can embrace it. Heck, you can even completely change your career. There are great perks to being a tradesperson. No judgement here. But know that AI is here to stay. And just like the steam engine, electricity, and computers, it’ll likely make our lives a whole lot better. You’re welcome!