How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

Why a Non-Linear Career Trajectory is NOT a Bad Thing

Why a Non-Linear Career Trajectory is NOT a Bad Thing When I was in high school, I was expected to pick a career path, study for it, and then—presumably—stick with it for the rest of my life. The idea was simple: choose wisely, because this decision would determine my future. But life doesn’t work like that. Like many people today, my career trajectory has been anything but linear. I’ve studied engineering, business, and complex systems. I’ve worked in different countries, shifted industries, changed work styles, and even taken pay cuts in pursuit of something different or more meaningful.  At times, this has been incredibly frustrating—especially because of the pressure I put on myself to hit certain milestones. But the more I tried to force a rigid path, the more I realised: this mindset is toxic. The idea that life is a straight-line race, where success is measured by how quickly you move up a single ladder, is outdated.  In reality, careers are dynamic, and the most fulfilling ones embrace exploration rather than a rigid trajectory. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “falling behind” because your career hasn’t followed a predictable path, this article is for you. The Traditional Career Model is Breaking Down   For decades, the standard career model followed a simple formula: Choose a career in high school. Study for it. Get an entry-level job. Climb the corporate ladder. Retire. That model no longer reflects reality Here’s why: Technological advancements have rapidly changed industries, making many jobs obsolete while creating entirely new fields. The gig economy has normalised freelance, contract, and multi-career work. Economic shifts have made long-term employment with a single company far less common. Changing values have led people to prioritise fulfillment and flexibility over traditional notions of job security. Job hopping is the norm, often leading to better pay and learning.   I also really like what Emilie Wapnick, author of How to Be Everything, calls multipotentialites—people with multiple interests and career paths.  She argues that forcing people to specialise in one thing for life ignores how many of us are wired to thrive in multiple disciplines. For those of us who have changed careers (or want to), this is good news. Why the Non-Linear Career Trajectory is the New Normal 1. Lifelong Learning is the New Job Security The idea that a single degree will carry you through an entire career is outdated. In today’s world, adaptability is more valuable than rigid specialisation. 2. Multi-Career Professionals are Thriving Take it from these guys: Brandon Stanton, creator of Humans of New York, worked in finance before losing his job and deciding to pursue photography and storytelling. Lisa Congdon was in her late 30s when she transitioned from working in education to becoming a professional artist and illustrator. Bozoma Saint John, a high-profile marketing executive, started in healthcare marketing before moving into the music and entertainment industry, later holding executive roles at Apple, Uber, and Netflix. 3. Remote and Flexible Work Have Changed the Game The traditional 9-to-5, office-based career is no longer the only option. More people are working remotely, freelancing, or creating portfolio careers that combine multiple income streams. We’re no longer tied to geography. 4. We Are Not the Same People at 40 as We Were at 18 At least, I hope not!  Expecting an 18-year-old to choose a lifelong career is unfair. We grow, change, and develop new interests. Isn’t it normal that our careers evolve too? I think we’re waking up to that realisation as a collective. My Non-Linear Career Trajectory: From Engineering to Existential Risk For most of my life, I believed success meant following a straight path. I started in civil engineering, where I excelled academically (though I had little interest in it. A story for another time). I went into complex systems engineering, industrial waste management, business, and more.  Now, I’m focusing on research into existential risks like AI and biotechnology. An interest I hope to monetise after the completion of my studies. A non-linear career trajectory, to say the least! But these shifts came with challenges: A self-imposed pressure to “succeed” quickly. I constantly worried that I was “falling behind.” Financial trade-offs. Some transitions meant taking a pay cut or starting over in a new field. The fear of looking unreliable. Would employers see my shifts as a lack of commitment?   I can’t speak to any of these points with “hindsight” because I still have days when I feel scared, pressured, or regretful.  What I can say is that the mindset that life is a race—where success is measured by speed and linearity—is deeply toxic.  I know in my heart that exploration, not rigidity, leads to a more fulfilling life. But there are times when changing careers is not necessarily the right thing –  When a Non-Linear Career Can Be Difficult (or Even a Bad Thing) While non-linear careers offer freedom and growth, they also come with challenges. Here are a few: 1. Financial Instability Frequent career shifts without financial planning can be risky.  Solution: Build a financial cushion before making major changes. 2. Lack of Direction Not everyone thrives with multiple career pivots.  Solution: Have a guiding purpose, even if it’s broad (e.g., problem-solving, creativity, social impact) can help you build a more coherent portfolio of work. 3. Social Stigma Some people (especially older generations) see frequent career changes as flaky.  Solution: Learn to frame your career shifts as a strength—highlight your adaptability and transferable skills. 4. Imposter Syndrome Switching fields can make you feel like you’re always a beginner.  Solution: Recognise that expertise builds over time. Being a generalist is an asset in today’s world. 5. Workplace Biases Some industries still favour linear resumes.  Solution: Tailor your resume and narrative to emphasise how your diverse experience adds value. How to Stay Grounded When Your Career Feels Like It’s Falling Apart It’s one thing to embrace a non-linear career path when things are exciting and full of possibility. But what about when your career seems to be going backward instead of forward? Maybe you’ve taken a pay cut, lost

The Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Journey​

The Fundamental of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Personal Journey Becoming a mother changes you in profound ways. But for me, it wasn’t the glowing transformation of joy that social media likes to portray. When I gave birth to my twins, I experienced what felt like a complete unravelling of everything I thought I knew about myself.  It wasn’t just the sleepless nights or the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two new lives. Rather, I felt as if every unresolved part of my past came rushing to the surface all at once. Every hurt, every defense mechanism, and every suppressed feeling began demanding my attention.  It was terrifying, disorienting, and left me spiralling into a 14-month depression—a depression I didn’t even recognize until I began clawing my way out of it. But my breaking point also became my turning point.  Through a lot of hard, messy work, I’ve come to understand that I wasn’t broken or defective. What I was experiencing was the aftermath of complex trauma, and I now know that it’s not only possible to heal from it, but that the process of healing can lead to a richer, more authentic life.  In this post, I want to share the fundamentals of complex trauma in adults—what it is, how it manifests, and why it’s so often overlooked. And for those in the thick of it, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. Let’s go! What is Complex Trauma? It wouldn’t be a “fundamentals of complex trauma in adults” if I didn’t try to give some sort of definition of complex trauma. Complex trauma isn’t about a single, catastrophic event.  Instead, it arises from prolonged exposure to emotionally or psychologically harmful environments, often during formative years. It’s rooted in relationships, particularly those where trust and safety should exist but don’t.  Unlike the “big T” Traumas, such as one-off natural disasters or violent assaults, complex trauma is cumulative and insidious, often involving neglect, emotional invalidation, or manipulation.  Here’s how I like to think about it:  Big T events are things that happen to you when they shouldn’t. Little T traumas often involve things that don’t happen when they should—like the absence of love, respect, attention, security, reliability, or safety.  Sometimes, complex trauma can be a combination of both big T and little T trauma. (Yikes!)   Over time, these repeated absences can have the same or even greater effects as big T trauma. This is because they are subtle, hard to detect, and often invalidated or overlooked by others. For many of us, it’s easy to downplay our experiences. My childhood, for instance, seemed perfectly adequate on the surface. I was well provided for materially, and from the outside, my family appeared stable.  But beneath that veneer were years of emotional neglect and dysfunction—parents who could be invalidating, neglectful, and emotionally absent. These experiences taught me to people-please, to fear confrontation, and to internalise a sense of unworthiness. I was super confused, for years, around why I just couldn’t get my sh*t together. Characteristics & Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults Educating yourself about the characteristics of complex trauma is often the first step to healing.  Understanding how these traits may have developed as responses to certain elements in your formative years can help alleviate the confusion, self-blame, and anger you might feel.  My Complex Trauma Bible is Tim Fletcher’s “60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma“, which provides a comprehensive framework for understanding how it impacts adults. He has a series on YouTube as well. It’s changed my life! Here, I’ll highlight some key ways it showed up in my life and how it might manifest for others: 1. Emotional Dysregulation For years, I felt like my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. Either that, or I’m completely shut down – robot style.  I’d swing between anxiety, sadness, and determination in a short period. Small frustrations, like a rude comment or an unexpected change in plans, could leave me spiralling for hours or days.  This emotional volatility is the one thing that bonds all of us complex trauma people together. We just don’t know how to regulate our emotions! How could we? We were never taught (but it’s not too late).  2. People-Pleasing and Fear of Conflict Growing up, there was only room for my father’s anger and demands in the house. So, I learned that avoiding conflict was safer than asserting my needs.  As an adult, this translated into people-pleasing behaviours: Saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” Changing my character, accent, and entire personality depending on the person. Bending over backwards to avoid upsetting others (which sometimes involved manipulation!).    The very thought of confrontation could leave me paralysed with fear. 3. Hypervigilance Are you an Empath/ Highly Sensitive Person? Well, you might have complex trauma! Complex trauma keeps you on high alert, constantly scanning for potential threats. It’s a body’s nervous system trying to figure out fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses. So, I’d replay conversations in my head, analysing every word for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval. And eventually, I became a “highly sensitive person” or “empath“.  Not someone who would cry at the drop of the hat (this was not allowed in my childhood home). But rather someone who could infer how a person felt from a simple look or micro-expression.  People admired this about me. “Wow, you’re so perceptive!” But damn, what a price to pay for being observant.  This hyper-awareness is exhausting and makes it very difficult to relax. 4. Sense of Inferiority No matter how many external achievements I racked up—from academic successes to professional milestones—I couldn’t shake the belief that I was fundamentally “less than.”  Whether I based it on my race and ethnicity, or my gender, or my nationality – you name it, I was feeling less than. Sure, there’s a component of social hierarchies, structural racism, and actual discrimination going on.  But because I didn’t have a strong enough sense of self, I

What It Feels Like To Be Black

What It Feels Like To Be Black Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be black? Well, it can be pretty “normal” (being code for “same as white”) for quite a chunk of the time. Racism isn’t always being thrown in your face.  But here’s the difference. You go through life with a heavy emotional lode that can be triggered by ‘mundane’ events.  For me, this baggage came into sharp focus one Friday — I call it Black Friday because I’m funny — when an ‘ordinary’ day unexpectedly turned into a repeated reminder of my place in the social hierarchy.  And no, this isn’t a post about me experiencing racism in Portugal. I haven’t. (Yet?). But it’s a reflection of what it feels like to be black and to go through life with certain sensitivities. Up for a little snapshot of the lived black (African) experience (in Europe)? Read on 🙂  **Disclaimer: There is not one lived black experience common to everyone. Experiences also vary depending on individual circumstances. There are many black folk experiencing better and worth mental health outcomes related to their blackness in the world. Black Friday: Bureaucracy, Government Officials, and a 3-Year-Olds Comment Fellow Africans who have left Africa: how painful was your visa/ residency experience? For me, it’s a personal paint point.  There is not one country that I have lived in that has not given me Kafkaesque bureaucratic trauma. Heck, even travelling can be a headache sometimes. Portugal, while being the best of my terrible experiences, was still not an exception. I had to sort out some bureaucratic issues with my residence visa, which had been mailed to an old address because there was no way to contact authorities to update my address.  What does this have to do with racism?  Surprisingly – a lot! The Dehumanisation of African Immigrants Yeah, the Portuguese immigration process is backed up like city traffic. I applied for my residency in January and received it in November. But it’s like that for most people. So, why did I take it personally? Because every travel and emigration process has been fraught with hoops and proofs. Most times I wanted to go abroad and have a good time, I’ve had to prove everything about my existence. (Most) white people just need their passports. And in Portugal, when we changed address, I was the one penalised.  But, it didn’t stop there.  The woman at the post office that day was cold, dismissive, and impatient. She didn’t seem to care at all that I was trying to resolve an important matter. It was a big, unspoken “not my problem.” Now, I’m not saying this woman was deliberately racist — after all, she wasn’t overtly hostile.  But the sharpness in her tone, the lack of empathy, and the way she barely looked at me all made me feel like an outsider. Like someone whose presence in the space was an inconvenience.  I’ve experienced this sort of behaviour before — the casual indifference that isn’t quite racist to be called out. But still feels like a brush-off because of your hierarchy in society.  The Little Girl at My Daughter’s Kindergarten Later that day, I went to pick up my daughters from kindergarten.  A classmate (3 years old) pointed at me and said, “Tens uma cara preta” — “You have a black face” — in Portuguese.  “Huh?” The comment wasn’t meant to be cruel, and the girl probably didn’t even understand the gravity of what she was saying. But still, it stung. Because in a way, the child’s words felt like an innocent, unfiltered reflection of how some people see me in the world.  As I stood there, trying to gather my thoughts, I was faced with the reality that being black is something others can’t help but notice — sometimes without thinking, sometimes with full awareness.  But no matter how well-meaning or innocent the comment might have been, it had a sharpness to it that struck deep of what it means to be a black woman in a predominantly white space.   The Psychological Baggage of Blackness At this point, I couldn’t help but reflect on my complex relationship with my blackness.  Growing up in South Africa, race was always on the table — not just in direct ways, but in the invisible rules that governed how we interacted.  It was in the way certain people looked at you, how certain spaces felt like they weren’t meant for you, and how you were constantly aware of your difference, whether others acknowledged it or not. And whether you grow up in a highly racialised society like South Africa or not, black people will know exactly what I’m talking about. Growing up black Growing up in South Africa, the simplest interactions could often be loaded with tension.  Whether it was the dismissive stares, the condescending attitudes, or the invisible walls that seemed to rise up around me in certain spaces, I learned early on that being black means constantly navigating microaggressions.  These subtle moments (which are tough to stand up against without looking unreasonable) accumulate over time. And that’s the baggage we carry around as black people.  And on my particular black Friday, I felt the weight of it all. What made that day so uniquely loaded for me wasn’t the action or words of the other people. It was the cumulative effect of a lifetime of experiences — from growing up in post-apartheid South Africa to navigating racial dynamics in Portugal.  How Small Moments Become Big Triggers What might seem like a minor inconvenience — such as dealing with bureaucratic nonsense or hearing an innocent comment — can light a black person’s fuse.  Why?  Because it taps into the historical, social, and psychological context of being black.  The day’s events weren’t inherently racist. I don’t believe they were. But it alerted me to my heavy emotional baggage.  It’s the weight of history, of having to perform emotional labour in spaces where you are constantly scrutinised. Where you are gaslighted

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement We live in a world that values comfort, self-expression, and freedom. Just joking. Many of us women feel pressured to slip on a bra every morning. This modern-day corset has become such a part of our daily routine that we don’t even question it as one of the subtle signs of the patriarchy. But when you begin to examine the history and deeper implications of bras, you realise just how entrenched they are in beauty standards and the male gaze. It’s about more than just “support”—it’s about who decides what’s acceptable for women’s bodies. (And it ain’t the woman, as we’ve seen time and again). One day, it dawned on me that I genuinely didn’t enjoy wearing bras, and I finally felt safe enough to go outside without one. (More on that later). That was a turning point. Since then, I’ve chosen to go braless, except for sports. And honestly? I don’t want to go back. To add to my little experiment, my husband decided to wear a bra to understand what all the fuss was about. (More on that later, too). Needless to say, I’m embarking on a de-patriarchisation of the mind. A mental bra-burning movement, if you will.  Read on and share your thoughts. From Corsets to Bras: A Continuum of Body Control Looking back, it’s strange to think that corsets were once everyday wear for women. From the Renaissance to the 20th century, it’s what fashionable, well-to-do women wore for 500 years! (Give or take). Imagine squeezing yourself into something so tight you could barely breathe! (I suppose a lot of women do this with shapewear now? I’ve never tried). But those contraptions shaped women’s bodies, literally rearranging their internal organs to fit this narrow, “ideal” form.  And for what?  Certainly not for comfort or health.  Like a shapely vase, corsets were for display, to create a silhouette that pleased the eyes of men and society. Women were the objects. Silent, agreeable pieces of movable beauty (that were also f*ckable).  A Reductionist History of Strapping our Breasts to our Chests When bras became mainstream around the turn of the 20th century, they were hailed as more “liberating”.  But now I wonder, were they really that different?  Sure, they didn’t crush our torsos, but the principle remains the same. Shape yourself to be attractive, because her appearance is all the currency a woman has. They’re the same tool of control, just in a different package.  Honestly, in principle, it’s not too different to foot-binding in ancient China, where women’s feet were tightly bound to create this “ideal” look. (And whether it’s bras or feet, it seems like the “ideal” was rather juvenile). It’s all about manipulating ourselves to be perfect brides. And, in this way, what we were doing to our bodies fitted perfectly with what we were doing to our minds. Bras and the Male Gaze For the longest time, I didn’t think twice about bras.  Like many women, I excitedly started wearing bras as a pre-teen because it symbolised “being a woman”, more grown-up than my flat-chested girlfirends.  But as I thought about it more, I began to realise that the expectation to wear bras isn’t a natural law. It’s a patriarchal law. And just because the majority think it’s the way to do something, it doesn’t make it true, or beneficial. After all, it took humanity centuries to accept that the sun, not Earth, is at the center of our planetary system.  The whole idea that breasts should look a certain way, that they must be lifted and hidden, isn’t a choice most of us arrive at on our own.  It’s a deeply ingrained belief that our natural bodies are wrong if they deviate from society’s idea of perfection.  Undiagnosed Social Perfectionism And that perfection, in itself, is an inherently unreachable standard. We will always be considered too-something, despite all our efforts. Too fat, thin, too natural, too made-up. Too-something. It’s why the cosmetics, diet and plastic surgery industries are so prevalent. For years decades, I internalised that message. I didn’t even think about it. I was totally blended with the way things were. Too in it to realise that I was swimming in poop.  It was only when I began therapy and decided that I was the only person I needed to please—with my body, my thoughts, and my life—that I started questioning all the things I’d been doing automatically to participate in an unspoken “mating game” where men hold all the power. I’m not willing to subscribe to that anymore. The Feminist Rebellion – The Bra Burners of the Past When I started learning more about feminism, I discovered that women in the 1960s and 70s had already started questioning these norms. So yes, it’s not a Millennial/ Gen-Z fad. (Although, more on that later). You might have heard about “bra-burning feminism.”  The reality is, women didn’t actually burn their bras en masse, but they did throw them away as a symbolic act of rebellion.  It was their way of rejecting the expectations around their bodies and reclaiming their comfort and agency. For those women, discarding bras was about saying, “My body is my own, and I don’t need to fit anyone else’s standard.” And even though I feel like we’ve come a long way, bras are still largely unquestioned today. We may not be wearing corsets, but many of us still wear bras just because it’s “normal.”  For me, going braless has become a quiet act of reclaiming that comfort and authenticity. It’s a small thing, but every day, it reminds me that I don’t have to shape myself to fit anyone else’s expectations. A Mental Bra-Burning Movement What do we all do when we get home? Sometimes, before I even take my shoes off, I’m unclipping my bra and taking it off through my clothes.  They don’t make me feel comfortable or good about myself. Sure, I liked the way my boobs look in them, but that’s

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research Despite growing up in South Africa, where hair extensions are almost universally worn by black girls and women, I only really tried hair extensions well into adulthood. As someone with an Ethiopian family, it just wasn’t our zeitgeist.  But once the mood to experiment with colour and length without dyeing or cutting my hair struck me, there was only really one option.  So, I became part of the growing number of Black women who have embraced synthetic hair extensions. I loved how I looked with them. They gave me a break from the time-consuming upkeep of my natural hair and allowed me to switch up my style whenever I wanted.  But one day, as I was packing our things to move homes, I noticed a silky-haired wig at the back of my closet.  And a question occurred to me: “Are hair extensions harmful?” I wondered.  And then many more: “Does the weight of the extensions damage my roots? Do they hurt my scalp? Why are they so itchy sometimes?” Here are my findings from that Google rabbit hole… Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Hair? Have you ever experienced that dull, persistent headache after getting a fresh install? The tight pulling at your scalp as your hair is braided, often tighter than necessary to “make it last”? It’s not just discomfort—it’s your body telling you something is wrong. Traction alopecia, a condition where hair is pulled from the root, is no joke. It’s common among women who wear their hair in tight styles like braids, weaves, or even buns for extended periods of time.  When hair is pulled repeatedly, especially with the added weight of synthetic extensions, it can lead to permanent hair loss. Most black women I know opt for the tightly pulled look because it lasts long (4-6 weeks) and is a whole lot neater than a looser braid.  Personally, I have a very low threshold for discomfort. I always did my extensions myself, and redid them when they felt a bit tight. But the trade-off is that mine didn’t last nearly as long.  But there are plenty of older black women with little patches of thinning hair at their temples and a receding hairline, likely from tightly pulling hairstyles.  So, it turns out that what we’ve called “protective styles” often leads to damaging our hair. Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Health? Whether you had a tight braid or a looser variety, extensions make it hard to sleep. But it’s worse if it’s tight. I’m sure many of you can relate—tossing and turning with a tight, uncomfortable scalp, trying to find a way to rest without pulling on your hair. Even once the pain reduces, there is still the matter of trying to sleep with this massive volume of hair on the back of your head. Whether you tie a top knot or tie it downwards, it still affects how you can sleep, both by its positioning and the weight it carries. Discomfort, lack of sleep, and the stress of maintaining extensions add up. And there wasn’t an easy solution. Not wearing extensions (and all the maintenance that comes with that) caused me as much anxiety as wearing them did. But in the world of the black woman, it’s often a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. New Research: The Hidden Chemicals in Synthetic Hair Extensions (!!!) But I knew all that.  This is what made my chuck our all my extensions and wigs. New research has begun to reveal how synthetic hair extensions are often treated with chemicals that may be harmful to our health.  Recent studies have found that many of these extensions contain chemicals like  phthalates (a reproductive disrupter),  volatile organic compounds (VOCs) (damages the central nervous system),  acrylonitrile (skin and respiratory issues), and  vinyl chloride (carcinogen: linked to liver cancer).    These wonderful chemicals are found in most synthetic fibers like Kanekalon. and are often absorbed through the scalp, especially when heat is applied during styling, or when the extensions are worn for long periods. Moreover, synthetic extensions release extra VOCs during heat styling, potentially aggravating respiratory conditions like asthma, especially in black communities already vulnerable to health disparities.  These findings point to an urgent need for better consumer protection and more research on the long-term effects of synthetic hair extensions. The lack of regulation allows these toxins to continue being used despite their risks.  (We’ll come back to regulation and trusting the government on health matters later). Cultural Mistrust of Research: Why We Have to Do Our Own Homework As Black women, we’ve often been the last to benefit from scientific research, and sometimes, we’ve been unwilling participants. From the ‘doctor’, now named ‘the father of gynaecology’, who purchased black slave women to experiment on to Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cancer cells was taken without consent by Johns Hopkins, there’s a long history of Black people, particularly Black women, being mistreated or entirely ignored by the research community. This historical exploitation leads many of us to mistrust medical professionals and researchers—and honestly, with good reason. When was the last time you saw a major beauty brand release information specifically about the long-term health effects of the products we use daily, especially those marketed to Black women? We’re left to do our own research, trying to decipher ingredient lists that are confusing at best and intentionally misleading at worst. It’s an added burden that falls disproportionately on us.  We’re responsible for keeping ourselves informed, asking the hard questions about what we’re putting on our heads—and by extension, what’s seeping into our bodies. That’s why I decided to stop using synthetic hair extensions altogether.  It was a hard choice.  Like many of you, I love the versatility, the ease, and the beauty of the styles I could achieve with extensions. But once I knew the risks, I couldn’t justify continuing.  For me, the potential damage to my health—and the health of my loved ones—just wasn’t worth it. The Pressure to Have “Good

The Anxiety of Change: Why Even Small Shifts Bring Big Emotions

Change is a part of life.  Just last month, we moved apartments. And even though I knew the change was coming, and said on a number of occasions, “there’s a big change coming – we need to cut ourselves a lot of slack,” it didn’t stop that change from kicking our metaphorical asses. Change, in my case, is pretty… undignified. Whatever the opposite of graceful is, you’ll find me there during major shifts. And that’s true for many.  Whether it’s moving to a new city, starting a new job, or even small lifestyle adjustments, many of us feel a sense of unease both before, during, and a long time after the change. This is definitely true of change we don’t see coming. Or bad changes we know are on their way.  But why can even positive change—something we’ve looked forward to—trigger anxiety? The answer lies in how our minds and bodies respond to uncertainty.  For those of us who’ve experienced complex trauma, this reaction is often heightened. Even though change can be good for us, our past experiences can cause us to misinterpret all change as a threat.  Let’s dive deeper into the anxiety of change and how we can (try to) navigate it in a healthier way. **This post and my research on the topic is just as much for me as it is for an external audience** Why does change trigger anxiety? The Nature of Change Change, even when positive, represents uncertainty.  Our brains are still wired to prefer stability and predictability. (How unfortunate for those of us in this modern era). And to our limbic, reptilian brains, predictability = safety.  When something new arises—like moving house or starting a new study program (both of which I have done this month!)—it sets off alarm bells throughout the body.  So, the perceived vulnerability that comes with uncertainty often leads to some degree of anxiety. Even when the change is ultimately beneficial.   Complex Trauma & Maladation to Change For those of us with complex trauma (CPTSD), any shift—whether positive or negative—can feel unsettling.  Tim Fletcher, my favourite internet psychologist, says people with CPTSD can often see change as dangerous because it threatens the familiar.  Even if that familiar wasn’t good.  Why? Because complex trauma survivors often associate change with painful transitions. Especially if we were unsupported during key life moments like childhood moves, family breakdowns, or other major disruptions.  These early experiences can condition us to resist change or label it as dangerous. So our brains registered another equation and stored it deep in our bodies. Change is always bad and I will have to deal with it all by myself. When I moved house recently and decided to return to studying, I knew that these changes would affect me. They were exciting and positive life decisions, but the anxiety still crept in.  I experienced a whole load of symptoms. One of the scariest was the return of intrusive, catastrophic thoughts. Like, “What if your daughter got hit by a car?” or “What if you all end up homeless and on the street?” On the surface, these thoughts have nothing to do with starting a new study program or changing apartments. But when I reflected on my anxiety around these changes, I realised that it wasn’t the move or the studying itself that was scary. It was the childhood memory of going through major life shifts feeling alone and unsupported.  And the flying catastrophic thoughts? They were just a symptom of my heightened anxiety. My brain was scared, and it was letting me know.  Recognising that made it easier to understand where the anxiety was coming from. And it helped me avoid mislabeling the change as inherently bad. Positive Change Isn’t Always Comfortable It’s easy to believe that positive changes should automatically feel good.  But here’s the truth: change can feel uncomfortable no matter how good it is.  The anxiety of change stems from our maladaptive response, which is often rooted in past trauma. Just because something feels bad doesn’t mean it is. Mislabeling Positive Change as Negative When I moved to my new home and started studying again, I felt anxious, despite the excitement of new beginnings.  In the past, I would have taken that anxiety as a sign that something was wrong.  However, this time, I was able to separate my feelings from the actual change.  I reminded myself that these feelings were my body’s response to the unknown—not evidence that something bad was happening. (“No, we aren’t going to end up homeless on the street anytime soon”). By recognising that discomfort during change is normal, we can stop sabotaging ourselves or avoiding growth.  It’s important to remember that feeling anxious doesn’t mean the change is bad—it just means it’s new. How to Build Resilience to the Anxiety of Change Thankfully, we don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety every time life shifts.  Here are some strategies that have worked for me (to an extent). Hopefully, they’ll help you to strengthen your resilience to both positive and negative change: 1. Self-Compassion: Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgement Half the battle when anxiety surfaces is recognising and acknowledging it for what it is: a natural bodily response to the fear of the unknown. (Remember how our brains don’t enjoy the unfamiliar?) Don’t suppress it. Don’t judge yourself for feeling that way. (And don’t judge yourself for judging yourself, either!) Even if your reaction is extreme of disproportionate, your body has likely been conditioned for decades to react this way.  Be kind to yourself. Change is hard, and it’s okay to struggle with it. It will take time to learn a different way of managing change. 2. Understand the Roots of Your Anxiety Often, anxiety during change is linked to old wounds.  Explore where your feelings come from.  For me, change as a child meant that I needed to toughen up and harden my heart to take the blows that came with entering foreign, often hostile territory. (e.g. Moving to racist South Africa as a toddler, skipping

Female Friendships in Your 30s: A Surprising Shift

There’s something about entering your 30s that shifts the landscape of female friendships. Relationships you once held close might start to feel misaligned. While the women you once thought were uninteresting now seem to be exactly who you need in your life. Despite only barely entering my 30s, I’ve experienced this transition firsthand. As I’ve worked through complex trauma and healed parts of myself, I’ve noticed the types of friendships I gravitate toward are changing. Where I once felt drawn to dynamics filled with competition and mind-games, I now find myself seeking women who offer a sense of emotional safety, health, and authenticity. This shift isn’t just limited to me. Many women in their 30s and 40s are experiencing the same thing. And it’s not just because women are saddled with childbearing responsibilities and can’t maintain friendships. But also because it’s a time of profound self-reflection, healing, and changing priorities. This, quite naturally, impacts our relationships. So, why do female friendships in your 30s feel so different? We’ll explore the reasons behind the transformation, and how embracing the change can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections. Shifting Priorities and Values in Your 30s A big part of this shift in female friendships in your 30s has to do with changing priorities and values.  In your 20s, friendships may have been formed around shared experiences or external validation. Maybe you were focused on socialising, professional ambition, or fitting into certain social circles. But as we move into our 30s, there’s a natural realignment. For many women, this decade marks the beginning of deeper introspection.  What used to matter—being in the “right” social crowd, keeping up appearances, or maintaining surface-level connections—starts to fade in importance. Instead, we look for friendships that offer emotional depth, vulnerability, and mutual growth. I’ve personally found that I’m no longer interested in friendships that revolve around competitive energy or shallow conversations.  Instead, I’m drawn to women with a certain effortlessness about them. The ones not trying to impress. Who are comfortable in their own skin, expressing their own views, and following their true desires. What’s so special about your 30s? This shift in values can happen as a result of many things. And of course, it may not occur for everyone.  For most, it’s a combination of events, relationships, and introspection.  By the time we’re in our 30s, we’ve probably: experienced a few failed romantic relationships and friendships, navigated work relationships and responsibilities, begun understanding what brings us meaning and joy in our work and private lives, had, started trying, or begun planning to have children. Alternatively, you might be struggling to have children or decided not to have children, expended a lot of energy navigating the patriarchy.   I suspect that many of you reading this are introspective by nature. So, these events and situations are likely to catalyse a lot of self-reflection about what it means to be in this world. And with reflection often comes a desire for increased authenticity. And that has a lot of implications for our friendships. Letting Go of Toxic Female Friendship in Your 30s As we grow, it becomes clear that certain friendship dynamics no longer serve us.  These could be friendships that once centered around competition (think: frenemies), poor communication, reckless behaviour (drinking, drugs, excessive partying), or other maladaptive aspects.  But while letting go of these relationships can be painful, it’s a crucial part of personal growth. In my 20s, I gravitated towards women who mirrored my unresolved trauma in ways I wasn’t yet conscious of. These included friends where competition was disguised as camaraderie, party-friends, or imbalanced, superior-inferior friendships. I now see very clearly how these relationships reflected my unhealed parts. It’s common for women in their 30s to start distancing themselves from friendships that thrive on gossip, comparison, or emotional games. While the process of ending these relationships can feel bittersweet, it’s often a necessary step toward creating space for healthier connections. The good news? Letting go of toxic dynamics opens the door to friendships that are rooted in genuine respect, kindness, and emotional maturity. Embracing Healthier, More Authentic Friendships The shift towards healthier friendships can feel like a breath of fresh air. But it can also feel strange or unfamiliar. For me, the women I once viewed as “boring” are now the ones I’m gravitating towards. This explains why and how we are only attracted to people on our level of emotional health. When we change our emotional health, we change our relationships, too. My new friends may not be the loudest, edgiest, or the most attention-seeking, but they bring something much more valuable to the table: emotional safety, wisdom, and authentic connection. These new friendships are built on a foundation of authenticity and genuine care and interest in each others’ lives. We offer support without judgment. And that is so healing in today’s day and age.  This is the beauty of evolving friendships in your 30s—women show up for each other in ways that promote collective healing and personal development. Mourning the Old, Finding the New Of course, it’s not always easy to navigate this shift in friendships. There’s often a mourning process involved as we let go of relationships that once felt significant but now feel misaligned. It’s important to acknowledge that grieving the loss of old friendships is normal. Friendships, like all relationships, carry emotional weight, and distancing yourself from someone you once cared for can feel difficult.  However, this mourning process is part of honouring your own needs – a significant part of embracing growth. By allowing space for sadness or discomfort, you also create space for new, healthier relationships to enter your life. But, where to find these new, like-minded women?  As our values change, it can feel daunting to seek out friendships that align with our new selves.  But with some intentionality, it’s absolutely possible!  Whether through shared interests, online communities, or spaces that promote introspection and healing, finding women who resonate with your new self is an important

Understanding Toddler Separation Anxiety At School

Like many parents, hubby and I were looking forward to the start of the new school year.  The girls would be away from Monday to Friday, doing fun, stimulating things, and eating a wider variety of foods.  (Our toddlers had regressed to a diet of French fries and sparkling water after an indulgent summer with their grandparents).  We even imagined that after a month of lax structures and endless adventure (including a flight back to the UK), that our girls might actually welcome the stability that came with a back-to-school routine.  Man, were we in for a rude awakening!  Our drop-offs were so dramatic and horrible that I often ended up crying. Sometimes in the car, while hubby stared out into the void, shell-shocked in his own right. A couple of times in the reception area in full view of other horrified parents.   But here we are, 3 weeks of morning dread later. But thankfully, it wasn’t all for nothing. I’ve got a few sage words for ye struggling parents facing toddler separation anxiety at school.  So, in this post, I’ll be covering:  Tips on how to handle their emotions, How to handle your feelings, and How to decide whether there is something more worrying going on  But first, a note –  Toddler Separation Anxiety at School: Adjusting Expectations We put our girls in nursery for the first time last year, a month before their second birthday.  The school had a gradual, week-long adaptation process. And by the end of that week, our girls were at school for the full day (~9:00 – 17:30). During that year, there were a few tearful goodbyes here and there, but there were also many confident they-didn’t-even-look-back drop-offs.  And when it came to this year, herein was our first mistake.  Expecting that they would pick up where they left off. Here are a few of our false assumptions: Past Performance is NOT a Prediction of Future Performance They were fine at the end of last year. They will be fine picking up where they left off.  The holidays may not affect your little one’s return to school if you’re lucky. But they can also be a major reset in terms of their expectations for how they think their day is about to go. This is especially true if you spent the entire holiday together, doing fun stuff. Suddenly going back to school may be a shock to the system. Separation anxiety is only for younger kids.  While many parenting sites talk about separation anxiety as a phase that most kids go through around 8 months of age, toddler separation anxiety at school is also extremely common. It is also not a developmental failure of the parents. As the toddler matures, they should also be more emotional independence. While toddler development may be happening leaps and bounds both physically and with their language, they are also becoming more emotionally aware. This means that everything hits them harder (think of the tantrums), including goodbyes. If they’re in the hands of good caregivers who can help them regulate emotionally afterwards, they should calm down within a few minutes. Toddler Separation Anxiety at School: A Decision Tree When we dropped our twin toddlers at school, there were a lot of feelings flying around.  At drop-offs, they would cry, hold onto us/ our clothes, scream, beg, and even kick/ hit their teachers. And us? Well, I already admitted to being a puddle of tears. But we also felt a lot of guilt and concern around whether we were doing lasting complex trauma-type damage to our children.  So, during week 2 when things did not look like they were getting any better, we decided to sit down and map out our options.  It looked something like this: The Disaster Drop-off Decision Tree You’re very welcome to use this decision tree to map out your own options with your toddlers, but bear in mind a few things.  First, the educators/ caregivers at your school need to be people you trust. If they tell you that your child is doing fine after 10 minutes at the school, you should be able to believe them. If not, and depending on where the mistrust comes from, you’d either get your kid out of that school or work on your trust issues. And second, this decision tree presupposes that you have a good-enough relationship with your toddler. In other words, that they are comfortable enough in your presence to show or tell you about their real emotions. If not, you won’t know whether they are improving or whether they are simply too afraid to tell you they’re not. How to Handle Big Emotions We were told, repeatedly, that our girls were happy less than 10 minutes after drop-off. But that didn’t help us a lot.  Our parting memories of leaving them at school for the day were of our children, panicked and tear-stained, begging us not to go. And that can be very tough to process for us adults, even if we know intellectually that they are in good hands.  Here’s how to help your toddler feel more safe and calm your own emotions, too. Helping Your Toddler Feel Safe Our biggest mistake, perhaps, was not adequately preparing them for school after the holidays. We somehow did not register the enormity of the change for our twins.  In fact, the first couple of days after school, their whole personalities seemed to change. One of them seemed a bit spaced out (not her character at all). While the other seemed to have some strong anger towards us (also unusual).  We worked through their confusion, anger, sadness, and more over the week. And things eventually got back to normal. But that was a bit of a shock for us. Now, we let them know in advance that “tomorrow you’ll be going to school”. And that, even though it might be hard at first, they always have lots of fun. (Self-reported fun, we’re not gaslighting them!). We also

Top 5 Most Important Factors in a Marriage | On Our Anniversary

Last weekend, as is customary in our home, my husband’s family wished us a happy anniversary, prompting the following series of events: 1. A Conversation:  “Oh, happy anniversary, honey!” “Wow, did we forget again?”  *Both laugh sheepishly* “I guess we could celebrate?”   2. Hastily made plans to go eat  – because that is what “celebrate” means in our home. 3. Vague intentions to do better next anniversary  (which is actually in 6 months, because we had 2 weddings).   But poor anniversary planning aside, I absolutely love and adore my husband, the family we’re stewarding, and the continuous growth trajectory of our marriage.  Here are a few thoughts on what makes for the most important factors in a marriage, from our 5 year anniversary.  5 Years of an Evolving Marriage We have a great marriage now.  But, with hindsight, I can confidently declare that it didn’t start that way.  Nowhere close. Hubby and I had a whirlwind romance after we met in Granada, Spain. Had our wedding ceremony in Bali 6 months later. Then officially tied the knot around 1 year after we’d first laid eyes on each other.  We were both insecure young people, looking to each other for validation and security.  But did we know that about ourselves? No. Not even a clue.  Thankfully, through the pressure that comes with a global pandemic and having twin girls, also came a glorious opportunity for evolution.  And thankfully, we were both very invested in making this marriage thing work.  So, while I look back at our younger selves with a bit of facepalm embarrassment, I’m also thankful that we now look back and wonder, “God, what were we thinking?” Because that means growth has happened. And I can only hope that 5 years from now, I can look back at the me of today and wonder the same. Top 5 Most Important Factors in a Marriage While there are many more items that could have made the “most important factors in a marriage” list, I thought I’d do 5 because it is our 5 year anniversary and I like cheesy symmetry like that.  Perhaps next year I’ll add in some spicier content about “how to keep things fresh” or “how to be more tolerant” if I ever figure that stuff out.  But for now, you’re going to get the God-honest truth about some of the fundamentals that we’ve gotten mostly right. Here goes! 1. The willingness to put in the work Marriage is not a static thing. It is not an off-the-shelf buy, not a trophy to be placed on the mantle, nor a ring to proudly display. No. It is closer, I think, to a new business venture. It is a living, breathing coming together of peoples, doing life together, achieving goals, and supporting each other.  So, as tempting as it is to think of marriage as a solution to things like the question of companionship, love, and an answer to loneliness, it is very definitely not.  If you are lonely, marriage will make you lonelier. Through the weight of expectations and the pressures of life, marriage will only exacerbate the cracks in one’s own heart.  To prevent this, marriage and love requires constant input. Constant investment. And constant commitment to growth. Marriage is an invitation to work.  Understanding this is one of the most important factors in a marriage. A good one, at least. 2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T Respect is one of those words thrown around in all sorts of contexts. So much so that it may have lost a little of its true meaning.  For example, in gang culture or even in some of our childhoods, it may be used interchangeably with blind loyalty, fear, obedience, and adherence to hierarchy. So, what does respect actually mean in a healthy marriage? Here is a definition I love, taken from Tim Fletcher’s video on Respect. Recognition of inherent value in each other.  Recognition that both partners are equal, and are treated this way. (This does not mean they necessarily earn the same salary, do the same chores, or have the same skillset. This means that they have equal power in decision-making. Their needs and dreams are valued equally.) Caring for and treating each other the way one wishes to be treated. Honesty, reliability, kindness, grace… and all that other good stuff. 3. Security “Has it only been 5 years?” I asked my husband, over the weekend. “I mean, it feels like it could easily be 10.” “Ouch!” he replied, laughing.  “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I just feel like I’ve known you all my life.” “Yeah, through the many changes, you’ve been the constant,” he agreed. And then it dawned on me. “Maybe this is what it feels like to be securely attached to someone.”  A sense of an immovable constant. My person in this world.  4. Love as a verb Love is a strange one.  So many people seek out that giddy feeling of falling in love. That obsessive, intense period of attraction and enmeshment.  And yes, oxytocin makes that all very fun.  But there is a deeper sort of love. One I believe is one of the most important factors in a marriage that’ll still be there once the attraction runs out.  That’s love as a verb.  Being interested in your partner, getting to know them deeply, and accepting them for who they are now, not for their potential to be someone you want them to be. Respect (see above) Security (see above), including never threatening your partner with abandonment to win an argument/ get your way Empathy, kindness, and grace (goes along with forgiveness, and seeking to understand how they work) Authenticity between partners (no one is playing a role) Healthy boundaries are communicated and enforced (like need for time alone, separate hobbies, certain specific interests, need for quality time together, etc.)  Healthy communication practices – a feeling of ease when needing to bring up difficult matters. A commitment to putting in the work (see above).