Last weekend, as is customary in our home, my husband’s family wished us a happy anniversary, prompting the following series of events:
1. A Conversation:
- “Oh, happy anniversary, honey!”
- “Wow, did we forget again?”
- *Both laugh sheepishly*
- “I guess we could celebrate?”
2. Hastily made plans to go eat
– because that is what “celebrate” means in our home.
3. Vague intentions to do better next anniversary
(which is actually in 6 months, because we had 2 weddings).
But poor anniversary planning aside, I absolutely love and adore my husband, the family we’re stewarding, and the continuous growth trajectory of our marriage.
Here are a few thoughts on what makes for the most important factors in a marriage, from our 5 year anniversary.
We have a great marriage now.
But, with hindsight, I can confidently declare that it didn’t start that way.
Nowhere close.
Hubby and I had a whirlwind romance after we met in Granada, Spain. Had our wedding ceremony in Bali 6 months later. Then officially tied the knot around 1 year after we’d first laid eyes on each other.
We were both insecure young people, looking to each other for validation and security.
But did we know that about ourselves? No. Not even a clue.
Thankfully, through the pressure that comes with a global pandemic and having twin girls, also came a glorious opportunity for evolution.
And thankfully, we were both very invested in making this marriage thing work.
So, while I look back at our younger selves with a bit of facepalm embarrassment, I’m also thankful that we now look back and wonder, “God, what were we thinking?”
Because that means growth has happened.
And I can only hope that 5 years from now, I can look back at the me of today and wonder the same.
Top 5 Most Important Factors in a Marriage
While there are many more items that could have made the “most important factors in a marriage” list, I thought I’d do 5 because it is our 5 year anniversary and I like cheesy symmetry like that.
Perhaps next year I’ll add in some spicier content about “how to keep things fresh” or “how to be more tolerant” if I ever figure that stuff out.
But for now, you’re going to get the God-honest truth about some of the fundamentals that we’ve gotten mostly right.
Here goes!
1. The willingness to put in the work
Marriage is not a static thing. It is not an off-the-shelf buy, not a trophy to be placed on the mantle, nor a ring to proudly display.
No.
It is closer, I think, to a new business venture. It is a living, breathing coming together of peoples, doing life together, achieving goals, and supporting each other.
So, as tempting as it is to think of marriage as a solution to things like the question of companionship, love, and an answer to loneliness, it is very definitely not.
If you are lonely, marriage will make you lonelier. Through the weight of expectations and the pressures of life, marriage will only exacerbate the cracks in one’s own heart.
To prevent this, marriage and love requires constant input. Constant investment. And constant commitment to growth.
Marriage is an invitation to work.
Understanding this is one of the most important factors in a marriage. A good one, at least.
2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respect is one of those words thrown around in all sorts of contexts. So much so that it may have lost a little of its true meaning.
For example, in gang culture or even in some of our childhoods, it may be used interchangeably with blind loyalty, fear, obedience, and adherence to hierarchy.
So, what does respect actually mean in a healthy marriage? Here is a definition I love, taken from Tim Fletcher’s video on Respect.
- Recognition of inherent value in each other.
- Recognition that both partners are equal, and are treated this way. (This does not mean they necessarily earn the same salary, do the same chores, or have the same skillset. This means that they have equal power in decision-making. Their needs and dreams are valued equally.)
- Caring for and treating each other the way one wishes to be treated.
- Honesty, reliability, kindness, grace… and all that other good stuff.
3. Security
“Has it only been 5 years?” I asked my husband, over the weekend. “I mean, it feels like it could easily be 10.”
“Ouch!” he replied, laughing.
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I just feel like I’ve known you all my life.”
“Yeah, through the many changes, you’ve been the constant,” he agreed.
And then it dawned on me. “Maybe this is what it feels like to be securely attached to someone.”
A sense of an immovable constant. My person in this world.
4. Love as a verb
Love is a strange one.
So many people seek out that giddy feeling of falling in love. That obsessive, intense period of attraction and enmeshment.
And yes, oxytocin makes that all very fun.
But there is a deeper sort of love. One I believe is one of the most important factors in a marriage that’ll still be there once the attraction runs out.
That’s love as a verb.
- Being interested in your partner, getting to know them deeply, and accepting them for who they are now, not for their potential to be someone you want them to be.
- Respect (see above)
- Security (see above), including never threatening your partner with abandonment to win an argument/ get your way
- Empathy, kindness, and grace (goes along with forgiveness, and seeking to understand how they work)
- Authenticity between partners (no one is playing a role)
- Healthy boundaries are communicated and enforced (like need for time alone, separate hobbies, certain specific interests, need for quality time together, etc.)
- Healthy communication practices – a feeling of ease when needing to bring up difficult matters.
- A commitment to putting in the work (see above).
You may have been in love many times without ever having experienced love as a verb. Having a healthy marriage is knowing the difference and working on developing love as a verb.
5. Silliness
The secret spice of any healthy marriage is a bit of silly sauce.
This is the logical conclusion to authenticity. Because let’s face it. If we’re honest about who we really are, we’re all a bunch of strangelings, ent we?
A bit of weirdness and a healthy splosh of not taking oneself too seriously is essential for surviving a life sentence with another human.
Whether you like to break out into random song or beatbox with your farts, if you want a healthy marriage, you won’t hide it from your partner.
Final Thoughts
That’s it guys, that’s the post. The TL;DR of it is that a marriage should always be a work in progress, as should be the people in it.
Self-awareness, humility, respect, love, security, and honesty also go a long way.
Of course many of us, by the time we marry, have not mastered the art of being in a healthy, drama-free, authentic relationship. For that, friends, go to therapy. Or watch the Tim Fletcher series on complex trauma, if you’re looking to turn your life upside down (or rightside up?) for free.
If you liked this AI-free post, let me know below in the comments.
And share your wisdom on the most important factors in a marriage while you’re at it. Please.