Postpartum Depression: My 14-Month Battle & What Finally Helped

Postpartum Depression: My 14-Month Battle & What Finally Helped Ever stare bleary-eyed at your beautiful newborns, an existential dread twisting in your gut? And felt that, no matter what you tried, the hopelessness wouldn’t budge?  Did you ever wonder whether you were experiencing postpartum depression (PPD) or were just an unfit parent who had made a colossal mistake by bringing life into the world? That was me, Haimi, a new mom of twins.   Here’s the thing: I knew depression before pregnancy, but I always managed to climb out of the hole eventually. This time, though, with double the trouble in the cutest possible form, it felt different.  The exhaustion was one thing, but the crushing anxiety and bottomless sadness – that was new. Months blurred together in a haze of feedings, diaper changes, and a constant, nagging question: would I ever feel joy again?   I genuinely didn’t know if I could go on for much longer. Often, I’d ask myself: is this PPD? I didn’t meet all of the criteria, so I struggled to see myself in what was being written. And because of that, I didn’t get help for a long time. But there is hope if we all talk to each other. And that’s why I’m sharing my story, along with the questions I grappled with, so you don’t have to walk this path alone.   Let’s break down the confusion and fear surrounding PPD, one question at a time. What is Postpartum Depression? (And What Isn’t?) The Oxford dictionary likes to define postpartum depression as depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue; postnatal depression.   I suppose that’s an accurate, clear, and perhaps even comprehensive explanation. After all, one can pack a lot of symptoms into “depression”.  But I like to think of PPD in slightly less clinical terms (just because none of it felt clinical to me). PPD is a complex emotional and hormonal shift that can sometimes occur after childbirth, extending beyond the temporary “baby blues” some new moms experience (that have more to do with the changes from the birthing process rather than a longer term of depression).   What Does Postpartum Depression Feel Like? If you’re struggling with PPD, you might find yourself feeling a persistent sense of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness, even amidst the joy of having a newborn.  Daily tasks can become overwhelming, and sometimes basic self-care feels impossible (even when you have a rare moment for that shower).  You may experience difficulty bonding with your baby or find yourself consumed by worry and guilt about your parenting abilities. You may feel regret at having had a child at all, or feel stuck with the weight of your choice to do so (if it was a choice at all).   It’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of affliction. Seeing it as a box-ticking exercise of symptoms, rather than taking into account the holistic well-being of the mother has the secondary effect of alienating vulnerable women and leaving a lot of them without the help they need. Complete this survey to see if you have the symptoms by completing the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) here.   3 days postpartum Is It Postpartum Depression or the “Baby Blues”? So, what’s the difference between PPD and the so-called “baby blues”? The length and severity.  The baby blues usually come on quickly after birth, make you tired, teary, and tense for a couple of weeks, and then you’re good to go. It also generally does not affect your parenting or adulting abilities. You’re able to reasonably care for yourself and your offspring.  PPD, on the other hand, can start at any point after birth and can last for any amount of time thereafter. The symptoms are often more profound and entrenched. Think: fearfulness, helplessness, hopelessness, regret, guilt, and despair.  Another way I like to think of it is that the baby blues are about physical and chemical changes. Exhaustion, hormonal changes due to birth and breastfeeding, a new routine, etc.  The body takes some time to adjust to this, and the crying and mood swings are a natural result.  PPD has deeper roots. Sure, physical and hormonal changes have a big role to play. But I believe that PPD has a lot to do with our mental make up from before we were pregnant.  Things like lifelong perfectionistic tendencies, coming from a dysfunctional family system, or being fiercely independent can set us up for the big PPD.  Also, if you’ve suffered with bouts of regular-degular depression, or other disorders like bipolar disorder, before getting pregnant, you are at a higher risk of getting PPD after childbirth.  A Useful Analogy Think of the difference between the baby blues and postpartum depression this way: Let’s say you’re on a beach and decide to go for a swim.  The baby blues would be like a wave – maybe a large one – that hits you, maybe knocks you on your butt, and drags you along the sand a little. Not long after, it recedes back into the ocean, and you’re able to pick yourself up and head back to the shore.  You might have a bruise or scrape, and you might be a little stunned, but you otherwise make it out unscathed. PPD would be if you decided to go out to swim in the sea, get sucked far out into the open ocean by a riptide, and you struggle for dear life to get back to shore. Because PPD, like riptides, can be deadly if help is not found quickly.  It’s an experience that profoundly changes your relationship to life and something that’ll take a while to process. Can I Still Have Postpartum Depression if I’m Happy Sometimes? Yes!  Experiencing moments of joy, even happy moments while parenting, would not overrule a diagnosis of PPD. If you otherwise are hampered by an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, loss, regret, guilt, or shame, PPD may still apply. I had many joyful moments with my beautiful twin girls,