There’s something about entering your 30s that shifts the landscape of female friendships. Relationships you once held close might start to feel misaligned. While the women you once thought were uninteresting now seem to be exactly who you need in your life.
Despite only barely entering my 30s, I’ve experienced this transition firsthand. As I’ve worked through complex trauma and healed parts of myself, I’ve noticed the types of friendships I gravitate toward are changing.
Where I once felt drawn to dynamics filled with competition and mind-games, I now find myself seeking women who offer a sense of emotional safety, health, and authenticity.
This shift isn’t just limited to me. Many women in their 30s and 40s are experiencing the same thing. And it’s not just because women are saddled with childbearing responsibilities and can’t maintain friendships. But also because it’s a time of profound self-reflection, healing, and changing priorities. This, quite naturally, impacts our relationships.
So, why do female friendships in your 30s feel so different? We’ll explore the reasons behind the transformation, and how embracing the change can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections.
A big part of this shift in female friendships in your 30s has to do with changing priorities and values.
In your 20s, friendships may have been formed around shared experiences or external validation. Maybe you were focused on socialising, professional ambition, or fitting into certain social circles.
But as we move into our 30s, there’s a natural realignment. For many women, this decade marks the beginning of deeper introspection.
What used to matter—being in the “right” social crowd, keeping up appearances, or maintaining surface-level connections—starts to fade in importance. Instead, we look for friendships that offer emotional depth, vulnerability, and mutual growth.
I’ve personally found that I’m no longer interested in friendships that revolve around competitive energy or shallow conversations.
Instead, I’m drawn to women with a certain effortlessness about them. The ones not trying to impress. Who are comfortable in their own skin, expressing their own views, and following their true desires.
What's so special about your 30s?
This shift in values can happen as a result of many things. And of course, it may not occur for everyone.
For most, it’s a combination of events, relationships, and introspection.
By the time we’re in our 30s, we’ve probably:
- experienced a few failed romantic relationships and friendships,
- navigated work relationships and responsibilities,
- begun understanding what brings us meaning and joy in our work and private lives,
- had, started trying, or begun planning to have children. Alternatively, you might be struggling to have children or decided not to have children,
- expended a lot of energy navigating the patriarchy.
I suspect that many of you reading this are introspective by nature. So, these events and situations are likely to catalyse a lot of self-reflection about what it means to be in this world. And with reflection often comes a desire for increased authenticity. And that has a lot of implications for our friendships.
Letting Go of Toxic Female Friendship in Your 30s
As we grow, it becomes clear that certain friendship dynamics no longer serve us.
These could be friendships that once centered around competition (think: frenemies), poor communication, reckless behaviour (drinking, drugs, excessive partying), or other maladaptive aspects.
But while letting go of these relationships can be painful, it’s a crucial part of personal growth.
In my 20s, I gravitated towards women who mirrored my unresolved trauma in ways I wasn’t yet conscious of. These included friends where competition was disguised as camaraderie, party-friends, or imbalanced, superior-inferior friendships. I now see very clearly how these relationships reflected my unhealed parts.
It’s common for women in their 30s to start distancing themselves from friendships that thrive on gossip, comparison, or emotional games. While the process of ending these relationships can feel bittersweet, it’s often a necessary step toward creating space for healthier connections.
The good news? Letting go of toxic dynamics opens the door to friendships that are rooted in genuine respect, kindness, and emotional maturity.
Embracing Healthier, More Authentic Friendships
The shift towards healthier friendships can feel like a breath of fresh air. But it can also feel strange or unfamiliar.
For me, the women I once viewed as “boring” are now the ones I’m gravitating towards. This explains why and how we are only attracted to people on our level of emotional health. When we change our emotional health, we change our relationships, too.
My new friends may not be the loudest, edgiest, or the most attention-seeking, but they bring something much more valuable to the table: emotional safety, wisdom, and authentic connection.
These new friendships are built on a foundation of authenticity and genuine care and interest in each others’ lives. We offer support without judgment. And that is so healing in today’s day and age.
This is the beauty of evolving friendships in your 30s—women show up for each other in ways that promote collective healing and personal development.
Mourning the Old, Finding the New
Of course, it’s not always easy to navigate this shift in friendships. There’s often a mourning process involved as we let go of relationships that once felt significant but now feel misaligned.
It’s important to acknowledge that grieving the loss of old friendships is normal. Friendships, like all relationships, carry emotional weight, and distancing yourself from someone you once cared for can feel difficult.
However, this mourning process is part of honouring your own needs – a significant part of embracing growth. By allowing space for sadness or discomfort, you also create space for new, healthier relationships to enter your life.
But, where to find these new, like-minded women?
As our values change, it can feel daunting to seek out friendships that align with our new selves.
But with some intentionality, it’s absolutely possible!
Whether through shared interests, online communities, or spaces that promote introspection and healing, finding women who resonate with your new self is an important and rewarding part of this journey.
(I’m grateful to have a big supply of potential female friends at school drop-offs, and university!).
The Beauty of Evolved Female Friendships
What emerges on the other side of this shift is the beauty of evolved friendships. Relationships that feel emotionally mature, rooted in authenticity, and full of mutual support.
These friendships aren’t just about spending time together; they’re about showing up as our most honest selves. A space with healthy boundaries and honest non-people-pleasey conversations are encouraged.
Because of this, there’s something incredibly freeing about friendships in your 30s.
They become less about who we’re “supposed” to be and more about who we are at our core.
The women who come into your life or stand by your side during this period of transformation become a crucial part of your healing journey.
Final Thoughts
The evolution of female friendships in your 30s (or 40s or 50s) is a natural and necessary process.
As we heal, grow, and move toward authenticity, our relationships shift in profound ways. While the transition can be challenging, the result is a deeper sense of connection, emotional safety, and support.
So, if you’re noticing changes in your own friendships, know that you’re not alone. This is a shared experience among women in their 30s, and it’s a sign that you’re evolving into your most authentic self.
Embrace the shift, and trust that the women who resonate with the person you’re becoming are out there.
Have your friendships changed in your 30s?
I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments below.