Do you have to be mean to be successful?
Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.”
It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades.
And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it.
After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind.
But is this really the case?
Do you have to be mean to be successful?
Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big?
Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction.
It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments.
Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage.
And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders.
But there is a major caveat.
So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental.
In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying and high turnover.
The Dark Side of Office Politics
Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far.
Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor.
Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale.
And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance.
This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”.
Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down.
And it’s hard to succeed all on your own.
Do you have to be mean to be successful?
The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth.
While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean.
Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression.
But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice.
Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness
Here’s where I think the confusion comes from.
Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world.
But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice.
Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect.
You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness.
Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear.
It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them).
If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think.
So, the kind thing is not to be nice.
Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm
Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused.
Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground.
It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth.
Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control.
Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success.
The Importance of Kind Assertiveness
Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression.
It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others.
It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values.
Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap
Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold).
Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves.
And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self.
It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype.
And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way.
This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity.
Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed.
[…] It may seem like meaner, tougher personalities are those that succeed, but it isn’t true. […]