In Defence of Gentle Parenting (and Why it’s Not Working for You)
Gentle parenting. It’s what my generation of parents – the millennials – have turned to as the gold standard. But for some reason, it’s controversial amoung childless boomers like talk show host Bill Maher, who spent 10 minutes calling for the return of “trad dads” and comparing parenting to blow jobs. Yuck. But these insensitive boomer mofos are the exact reason why we’re all in therapy. So, in defence of gentle parenting, here’s my take on why it might not be “working” for some of you. What is Gentle Parenting? Gentle parenting is focused on building a strong, loving connection with your child while setting clear, consistent boundaries. It’s about responding to your child’s emotions with empathy, patience, and respect. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards, gentle parenting emphasises positive discipline, co-operation, and problem-solving. Can you imagine: a child with strong inherent self-worth? It’s creating a safe space for your child to learn, grow, and develop into a confident, compassionate individual. And also about creating a safe enough space for your children to come to you in times of trouble. Essentially, gentle parenting is about treating your child with the same respect and understanding you’d hope to receive. What’s so controversial about that? Principles and Characteristics of Gentle Parenting (with Examples) Now, the only reason I imagine people not agreeing with gentle parenting is because they didn’t have gentle parents themselves. And their inner critic wants to make sure everyone else gets the same harsh treatment they received. Here are some principles and characteristics of what gentle parenting means on a practical level. 1. Your Child is their Own Person Perhaps the most important principle for me: realsing your child is their own person with their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas. They are not merely an under-developed human waiting to be moulded by you into your ideal version of what a child is to be. Respecting this, and respecting their interests and feelings is paramount to raising healthy human beings. 2. Emotional Validation Understanding and validating your child’s feelings is so key. Instead of dismissing emotions like anger or frustration, gentle parenting means parents listen actively and offer comfort. For example, if a child is upset, even if you don’t think it’s logical, a gentle parent might say, “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way.” We also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big feelings. 3. Respectful Communication Treating your child with respect, even when they’re challenging, sets your kid up to trust you, have a strong sense of worth, and be respectful all at once. This involves using kind and respectful language, explaining reasons behind decisions, and inviting your child to share their perspective. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop it!” (or worse), a gentle parent might calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but we don’t throw toys around the house because they might break things. When things get broken, mommy and daddy feel sad.” Above: The twins, happy in the sand | Right: In bed with the twins for a morning snuggle 4. Clear, Consistent Boundaries While gentle parenting emphasises connection, it also recognises the importance of limits. Age-appropriate boundaries are set with firmness and kindness, explaining expectations and consequences clearly. For example, if a child is hitting, a gentle parent might say, “Hitting hurts. We use our words to express anger. We don’t hit.” Boundaries are some of the best things we can impart to our kids. Too few (permissive) can lead to a person with narcissistic personality disorder and traits. Too many and too harsh (authoritarian) is associated with many issues too. 5. Age-Appropriate Autonomy Empowering your child to make choices and solve problems builds confidence and resilience. Gentle parenting encourages autonomy while providing support and guidance. For example, when faced with a decision, a gentle parent might offer options and help weigh the pros and cons. Gentle parents aren’t helicopter parents. Nor do they prescribe or direct. They build their children’s self-esteem by allowing them to experiment and figure things out. 6. Positive Reinforcements and (Mostly Natural) Consequences Gentle parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior and allowing natural consequences to teach valuable lessons. Instead of relying on punishment, parents use praise, encouragement, and logical consequences. For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, a natural consequence might be the inability to find a specific toy when they want to play with it. Of course, there are times when parents need to add consequences because the natural consequence may not be enough to deter the young one. But if you’ve built enough trust, we’ve found that you simply have to explain why you do/ don’t do something and your children (even as young as 2) will believe you and refrain from the offending behaviour. Why Gentle Parenting isn’t “Working” for You People (parents and onlookers) are often frustrated that gentle parenting does not yield quick results. And it’s tempting to be less gentle when your little one is having a meltdown at the restaurant. But gentle parenting is NOT merely a quick fix or a set of techniques to manipulate children into behaving perfectly. It’s a philosophy rooted in respect, empathy, and building a strong parent-child bond. Seeing gentle parenting as a tool to control outcomes rather than a foundation for a healthy relationship is the opposite of gentle parenting. It is just another form of manipulation and control. If you’re pretending to gentle parent in order to get the child to do what you want, you’ve missed the core idea: that children are individuals with their own personalities and needs, not projects to be moulded. True transformation occurs over time as children develop a strong sense of self, security, and autonomy within a loving, consistent environment. (Hint: it’s the things a lot of us have to go to therapy in adulthood to try to mend). The “results” of gentle parenting are embedded in a child’s character, their ability to form healthy relationships,
Do you have to be mean to be successful? (Science answers)
Do you have to be mean to be successful? Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.” It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades. And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it. After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind. But is this really the case? Do you have to be mean to be successful? Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big? Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction. Why Psychopathic People Seem to Thrive in Corporate Settings It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments. In a study by psychologist Paul Babiak, around 4% of business leaders fit the definition of “psychopath”. That’s 4x what you find in the general population. Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage. And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders. But there is a major caveat. People with psychopathy are attracted to positions of power precisely because dominance is a key characteristic of psychopathy. So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental. In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying and high turnover. The Dark Side of Office Politics Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far. Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor. Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale. And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance. This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”. Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down. And it’s hard to succeed all on your own. Do you have to be mean to be successful? The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth. While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean. Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression. But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice. Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness Here’s where I think the confusion comes from. Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world. But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice. Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect. You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness. Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear. It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them). If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think. So, the kind thing is not to be nice. Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused. Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground. It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth. Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control. Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success. The Importance of Kind Assertiveness Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression. It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others. It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values. Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold). Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves. And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self. It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype. And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way. This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity. Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFC0P71D18
Self-Hatred and Shame: Damaging Effects of Internalised Racism
What does it mean to be black in a country birthed from a hateful combination of racial segregation and violence? How does one reconcile the pride of one’s heritage with the deep-seated wounds inflicted by a society openly built on racial hierarchy? And what does one do with the mountains of self-hatred and shame in one’s heart, when they are a constant, suffocating presence? Look away now, if you must. This post will be deeply personal. Understanding Internalised Racism When discussing racism in nations with a complex history of racial oppression, such as the US, the UK, South Africa, or Australia, the focus tends to be on societal-level issues. Productive conversations often revolve around policy-based solutions, like, “What policies can address inequality in [specific area]?” or debates on affirmative action. But, when these discussions become contentious, some of the same questions arise over and over again. Questions about why individuals cannot simply “move on” from the past. Internalised Racism: A Definition Internalised racism is a silent epidemic, a psychological virus that thrives in the shadows of systemic oppression. As a black person born and raised in post-apartheid South Africa, I have borne witness to its insidious effects not only on myself but on countless others. But internalised racism just like externalised racism can mean different things to different people. But broadly speaking, this is what I mean by internalised racism: Internalised racism is the unconscious acceptance of negative stereotypes about one’s own racial group. It is a form of mental colonisation that can lead to a variety of negative thoughts, feelings, and (self-sabotaging) behaviours. When we internalise racism, we begin to believe the negative messages society sends us about our race. This can lead to feelings of inferiority, self-hatred, and shame. How Self-Hatred and Shame Manifests, with Examples Low self-esteem: We may constantly compare ourselves to others from different racial backgrounds and feel like we will never measure up. Examples: Often/ always finding a way to insert your credentials or experiences that make you sound “more white”. This could include education credentials, business success, or travel experiences. Being racist with white people against your own race or other people of colour. Self-doubt: We may question our abilities and accomplishments, believing that our success is due to luck rather than our own talent or hard work. Examples: Believing that you are lazy, ill-disciplined, or other negative “black” labels when things go wrong. Trouble believing you’re capable of success (career, business, family, etc.) because of your race, or feeling hypervigilant in the face of setbacks or failure. Difficulty forming healthy relationships: We may struggle to trust others or feel like we don’t deserve love and acceptance. Examples: Self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships. Deep jealousy or fear, particularly when men/ women of another race are concerned. Feeling the need to be overly doting/ subservient to a white partner. Preference for whiteness: We may unconsciously favour white people and white culture over our own. Here’s a test to measure your implicit bias. Examples: Only dating white people. Skin bleaching. Chemical hair straightening. Being racist with white people against your own race or other people of colour. My Results of the Implicit Bias Test “What are you?” – My experience of otherness in South Africa Growing up the wrong kind of black in post-apartheid South Africa was a complex and often painful experience. As a foreign African, I felt a profound sense of alienation from both the white and black communities. Often, the latter was worse. (It’s important to acknowledge that the Black community often carries deep-seated trauma from the era of apartheid, which can manifest as aggression, internalised and outward racism.) Arriving in South Africa at the age of 3, I was plunged into a world hyper-conscious of race. (For context, Ethiopia, my country of origin, was never colonised. Race was not a big deal there). When we arrived, my initial experience at a predominantly white kindergarten was so traumatic that my mother considered returning to Ethiopia. While I eventually found a more inclusive environment, the undercurrent of racism was pervasive throughout my 19 years living there. A very common question I still face whenever I go is, “What are you?” This constant categorisation reinforced my sense of otherness. Within the black community, I encountered another form of discrimination: tribalism. The emphasis on ethnic affiliation often excluded those, like myself, who didn’t fit neatly into a particular group. This, coupled with the pervasive colourism (“yellow bones” were the Mercedes Benz’ of the black community) contributed to feelings of inadequacy. The legacy of apartheid continues to cast a long shadow over South Africa. As a nation, it struggles to reconcile its past with its present. (Understandable, the country was only born in 1994). Even today, racial tensions remain palpable. It was only upon leaving the country and finding refuge in a more racially harmonious society like Portugal that I realised the extent to which I had been impacted by South Africa’s racialised environment. Breaking free: How to heal the self-hatred and shame from internalised racism Overcoming internalized racism is a complex and ongoing journey. I’m still navigating this path myself, and I understand the challenges firsthand. But the first step is always the most important: acknowledging its presence within oneself. This recognition can be deeply dysregulating, but it’s essential for progress. And if that’s too hard, you can also try recognising the signs of internalised racism, self-hatred and shame in others, whether it’s in politicians, celebrities, or in everyday interactions. (You don’t necessarily have to confront anyone with your theories, but building that radar can help your case). By questioning the behaviours and attitudes of others, we can begin to question our own. Other strategies for healing Building a Supportive Community: Surround yourself with people who uplift and validate your experiences. Connecting with others who share similar backgrounds can provide a sense of belonging and shared understanding. You’d be surprised how many of us suffer with this in silence. Engaging in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote well-being,
Why Birthdays are Important at Every Age
For years, I was a birthday forgetter. Those annual eruptions of cake and bad decorations, struck me as an unnecessary frivolity. A social performance best left unobserved. My husband (pictured above), bless his patient soul, would get that hopeful look in his eyes a week before his big day. Only to be disappointed when the day came. Worse, I’d make him feel bad for “making a fuss about it”. “You’re not five, Dave!” Urgh, how horrible I was! So, if you’re as cynical about birthdays as I was, this is a short post on why birthdays are important at every age! Why birthdays are important at every age (but especially in childhood) I had a few good birthdays growing up. Don’t get me wrong. My birthdays were not a joyous blur of frosting and streamers. I remember having a good birthday at the tender age of 3. And then again at 8. My mom, in a rare burst of effort, created an epic treasure hunt that led me through to some cool presents. (I have a hunch it was out of guilt for believing she neglected me after the birth of my brother earlier that year). That day stands out in stark contrast to the forgotten birthdays that never came. This lack of birthday cheer left its mark (even though I did a good job of hiding it). I convinced myself, and tried to convince others, that birthdays didn’t matter. But, of course, it was a defense mechanism, a way to shield myself from the imminent disappointment. The truth was, birthdays mattered. Maybe they wouldn’t have mattered if we’d stayed in Ethiopia, where my parents are from, and where birthdays are not as big a deal. But being surrounded in a culture that appreciated people on their birthdays and feeling like the only one who wasn’t seen or celebrated on “my special day” was particularly painful. How I changed my mind on birthdays TLDR: therapy. Here’s the long story: It took a while, but eventually, something shifted. Maybe it was watching the genuine joy on my husband’s face when his family surprised him with a gifts and a goofy card on his birthday, every year. But I think there was a big shift for me after therapy. Therapy helped me realise that I am allowed to feel whatever it is that I am feeling in the moment. Even if it was something “embarrassing” like “Yes, I want to make a big deal out of my 31st birthday”. Because for all their perceived cheesiness, birthdays are powerful little things. They’re our little societal tradition of love and celebration. Final Thoughts So, here I am, the reformed birthday Grinch. And here’s my takeaway messages. Birthdays may not cure world hunger, but they do something important: they remind us that we’re seen, we’re loved, and we deserve to feel a little bit special, every now and then. Sure, it can feel a little commercial or materialistic at times, but they don’t have to be. So, if you find yourself rolling your eyes at birthdays, wondering what the big deal is, I invite you to look into yourself. Because, maybe like me, you’ve had to convince yourself that birthdays aren’t important, because you weren’t appreciated or made to feel seen. And sometimes, it’s easier to pretend that something doesn’t matter, than to admit that it really f*kn hurts.
What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? (Kids & Adults)
If you’re here after searching “What are the signs of histamine intolerance?” then I’m guessing you or someone you know aren’t doing too well. As someone who only discovered her lifelong histamine intolerance at the ripe old age of 30, I know that living with undiagnosed histamine intolerance can be challenging. For years, I struggled with unexplained symptoms like headaches, as well as nausea and vomiting after eating certain foods. I’ve also had respiratory issues, and eventually even premenstrual dysphoric disorder (or PMDD) that took me by surprise. But everything finally clicked once I realised that I had histamine intolerance. So, if you’re on a similar journey, this post is for you! This post answers the preliminary questions around histamine intolerance in both kids and adults. I sincerely hope it provides clarity. What is Histamine Intolerance? Histamine (or antihistamines) might feel familiar if you’ve ever dealt with seasonal sniffles and itchy eyes, like seasonal hay fever. But although its got a bad reputation, histamine isn’t all bad. In fact, it’s a busy, quite important molecule in your body that acts as a messenger in the immune system, aids digestion, and even influences sleep and focus. But histamine can also be a troublemaker. When your body releases too much in response to certain foods or allergens, it triggers those familiar allergy symptoms like runny nose, itching, and sneezing. Normally, an enzyme called diamine oxidase (DAO) keeps histamine in check. However, with histamine intolerance, DAO activity is low, leading to a buildup of histamine and those unpleasant allergy-like reactions, depending on which histamine receptors are involved. H1 receptors, for instance, might cause headaches, rashes, and runny noses – similar to hay fever. And easily controlled with over-the-counter antihistamines. H2 receptors, on the other hand, can lead to digestive issues like cramping and diarrhea. In severe cases, excess histamine can even mimic symptoms of anaphylactic shock, like flushing, nausea, and dizziness. Though thankfully without the life-threatening element. What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? Histamine intolerance is really hard to diagnose because each of the symptoms is often treated separately. You could easily end up taking 4 – 5 different medications for what, ultimately, boils down to the same, elusive thing. I’ll give you 8 groupings of symptoms to look out for: Skin: Hot flushes, hives, rashes, eczema, itchiness, swelling (eyes and face). Sinuses: Runny nose, itchy, red or painful eyes Neurological: Headaches & migraines, insomnia, anxiety & depression, fatigue Cardiovascular: Heart palpitations, arrhythmia, low blood pressure (dizziness), blood clots Digestive: Nausea & vomiting, diarrhoea, loose stool, stomach pain, heartburn, food sensitivities (e.g. gluten or fruits), bloating, Crohn’s/ colitis Respiratory: Difficulty breathing, asthma, throat clearing, sore throat Reproductive: Painful cramps, irregular periods, endometriosis, PMDD, estrogen dominance Musculoskeletal: Muscle pain & twitching, joint pain, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia Risk Factors for Developing Histamine Intolerance Histamine intolerance is supposedly rare, officially affecting about 1–3% of the global population. However, seeing as it is extremely hard to diagnose, a person or their doctor may not recognise it and may mistake it for a food allergy or gastrointestinal disorder. There are several factors that can increase your risk of developing histamine intolerance: Genetic predisposition: Some people (like yours truly) inherit a variation in their genes that affects the production of DAO. This leads to a higher risk of histamine intolerance. Gut health issues: Conditions like leaky gut and small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO) can disrupt the gut microbiome, which may play a role in DAO production and histamine processing. Our modern diet, with all the ultraprocessed foods and sugar, is not helping. Certain medications: Some medications, such as antidepressants, heartburn medications, and pain relievers, can interfere with DAO function or block histamine breakdown. Vitamin deficiencies: Deficiencies in vitamins B6 and vitamin C can impair DAO activity, making you more susceptible to histamine intolerance. Age: DAO activity naturally decreases with age, which could explain why some people develop histamine intolerance later in life. Over 80% of people with histamine intolerance are middle aged. High-histamine diet: Regularly consuming large amounts of foods naturally high in histamine (see below) or that trigger histamine release can contribute to symptoms, especially if your DAO activity is already compromised. Living with Histamine Intolerance Let me tell you, living with histamine intolerance is no fun! Honestly, give me a simple gluten intolerance any day of the week. Because no one has even heard of histamine intolerance. Which means restaurants and items at the grocery store often contain a lot of it. Navigating what sets you off, personally, is also a painful game of trial and error. One minute, you’re enjoying a sharing plate of hummus and baba ganoush with friends, the next, your head feels like a drum solo and you can’t leave bed for two days. #TrueStory It’s frustrating. And skipping dessert while everyone else digs in can feel isolating. But I would not go back to the days where I didn’t know what was wrong. The days when I felt lethargic and nauseous and had days-long headaches that nothing could cure. So the good news is that once you understand your triggers, you can adjust your lifestyle and finally ditch the drama. It takes work, but hey, feeling good is what we’re all trying to achieve through different means, anyway. What are the signs of histamine intolerance in children? I’ll give you my experience first. Every year, around December, my family and I would take a trip to where we originally come from: Ethiopia. And every year, that meant one thing for me: vomiting. Lots of it. My mom, thinking it was a question of a lack of hygiene during meal prep would have stricter and stricter standards for what I could and couldn’t eat. But nothing worked. Whether I ate injera (highly fermented flatbread), kale, or shiro (a stew made with chickpea powder), it all came out. And if I ate pasta with tomato sauce, I would be up all night with heartburn. Add to that the asthma and coughing –
Changing Careers Late in Life: Why & How, with Examples
Changing careers when you’re young can be scary. But changing careers late in life? Well, that can be downright terrifying! I should know, I’ve done both! First, I abandoned the world of engineering (and all it’s stability and security) for the world of international development. Then, again more recently (and a lot older), I’ve jumped ship to pursue writing through blogging and writing fiction. So, I’m a seasoned veteran of the paralysing doubts. The: “What will people think?” And “Can I really afford this?” Let’s be honest, the whole idea of starting over, climbing a new ladder after diligently scaling the first one, can be enough to make anyone break into a cold sweat. But here’s the thing: I did it, many famous people did it, so you can too! In this blog post, you’ll hear about why you’re not too old to change careers and how to do it thoughtfully. I’ll also share not just my story, but also the stories of inspiring individuals who made major career moves later in life, proving that chasing your dreams is possible at any stage of the game Why Changing Careers Late in Life Makes Sense Have you ever stopped to think about how young we are when expected to pick a career path? At 17 or 18, with limited life experience, how much can we truly know about ourselves and what makes us tick? Back then, our career choices might have been influenced by external factors like parental pressure, societal expectations, or simply a limited understanding of the working world. (All of the above for me). Fast forward a decade or two, and you’re a completely different person! You’ve gained valuable life experiences, discovered new passions, and maybe even started a family. Priorities shift. Maybe money wasn’t a huge motivator back then, but now it’s a top concern. Perhaps the work-life balance you once craved isn’t as important as the chance to make a real impact. The point is, our needs and desires evolve, and our careers should too. Bottom line: A late-career change isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign of growth and self-awareness. It means you’re not afraid to adjust your sails and chart a new course towards a more fulfilling future. Besides, with lifespans increasing, we have the exciting opportunity to explore different career adventures. Plus, with more years of experience and potentially better health, making a switch can feel less scary and more empowering. We only have one life to live, so why not chase the work that sparks joy and ignites your passion? How to Do a Late-Stage Career Change (Properly) Making a career change later in life can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s important to approach it strategically. Here are five key steps to guide you through a smooth transition: 1. Know Yourself: Define Your Priorities Before diving into a new field, figure out what it is you really want. And I’m not only talking about “your passion” if you even know what that is. I’m talking about your ideal working hours and holidays. The flexibility. The pay. The kind of work environment you thrive in (nah-uh to fluorescent lighting!). I’m talking about how you like to work, what management style (if any) agrees with you, and the amount of socialising you can handle (to client-face or not?). Is it the impact you create, the work-life balance, or the intellectual challenge that drives you? Consider using a career coach, therapist, or even journaling and meditation practices. Identify what truly matters to you. There are no wrong answers. So, don’t try to be politically correct. Here’s a good book to help you out: What Colour is Your Parachute? A Guide to a Lifetime of Meaningful Work and Career Success by Richard Bolles 2. Research & Network: Insider Information is Key Don’t rely solely on online descriptions or what you see in the movies! Research your desired field thoroughly. Network with professionals in your target industry. (Buy them a coffee and let them rant honestly about their work). Or conduct more formal informational interviews to get a realistic picture of the day-to-day work and the people you’d be working with. Watch or read up on “a day in the life of…” content from whatever you want to do. This research step, unfortunately, was one I missed when I went into international development. I thought I knew what I was signing up for, but the reality was completely different. It goes to show the importance of talking to real people in the field. (And more than one!) Ask yourself: Are these the kind of colleagues I see myself connecting with? Are their tasks the kinds of tasks I see myself doing? Are their work problems the kind I’m willing to have? Do not skimp on this step. It’s even more important when you’re changing careers late in life. Your heart will tell you the truth when you talk to people doing what you think you’d like to do. And your experience will guide you. 3. Leverage LinkedIn & Build Your Skills “LinkedIn? LinkedIn??” I hear you shout at me in disbelief. Yes, LinkedIn! LinkedIn is actually one of my favourite social media tools because its gotten me my last 2 jobs (without trying). It’s also full of lively discussion on interesting topics like workplace behaviour or whatever has been in the news that week. It is also a powerful tool for networking and establishing yourself as a thought leader. (If you use it right!) Actively participate in industry groups, share valuable content by posting regularly, and connect with professionals in your desired field. Use this platform to also research necessary qualifications, certifications, or specific skill sets needed to make a successful transition. By looking at the job descriptions for the positions you’re looking into, or following the people who have your dream job, you’ll know what it takes to transition into your ideal career. 4. Chart Your Course: Be Strategic Carefully consider your current financial situation and
3 Best Self-Concept Books To Change How You See Yourself
My friends often credit me with ruining their lives through the psychology books I recommend them. *takes a bow* But jokes aside, psychology books can be risky business. You see, these are different to your typical self-help, “10 Steps to Happiness” fluff pieces. These are the kind of books that shatter your whole way of thinking, leaving you questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. This can be painful at first, as you grapple with the loss of who you knew. But, it also, more importantly, leaves a lot of space for a new sense of self. Intrigued? Terrified? Maybe a little bit of both? Well, my dear internet friends, strap in, because here are my top 3 best self-concept books that will absolutely transform how you see yourself: Self-Help vs. Psychology Now, before we dive in, it’s important to distinguish psychology books from your typical self-help book. Unlike self-help, which often offers quick fixes and one-size-fits-all techniques, psychology books delve deeper. They’re grounded in research, practice, and studies, giving you a solid understanding of the human mind. Instead of simply telling you what to do (like counting to 5 or doing a visualisation/ breathing technique), psychology books probe. They ask questions that challenge your assumptions and push you to explore the “why” behind your thoughts and behaviours. This approach might not offer instant gratification or boost in morale (often the opposite!). But it aims for a more lasting transformation, one built on self-discovery rather than a temporary motivational high. And to be clear, I’m not hating on self-help books (though I consume them very sparingly). I have seen how they can easily become a paralysing coping mechanism, where you read self-help books to procrastinate actually changing your life. Psychology books, on the other hand, are the opposite of a coping mechanism, in that they slap you in the face with the truth. For that reason, I find them infinitely more useful than the “10 ways how to not give a f***”-style books currently flooding the market. So, without further ado, here are my top 3 best self-concept books that will absolutely change your life. The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller Are you a high achiever who constantly strives for that elusive gold star? Do you have a nagging sense that love and validation hinge on your accomplishments? If so, Alice Miller’s “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self” might just be the book to ruin your life (as you know it). This book explores the hidden cost of achievement-based praise in childhood. Miller, a celebrated psychiatrist, argues that children praised for achievements rather than their authentic selves often develop a ‘false self’.This is a people-pleasing persona that masks their true needs and emotions. This constant striving for external validation leaves them feeling empty and disconnected from their inner selves. “The Drama of the Gifted Child” helped me understand why I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a fraud despite my successes. It showed me that true self-worth comes from accepting and expressing my full range of emotions, not just the ones that win approval. (This blog is a testament to that growth!) But before you hesitate, “The Drama of the Gifted Child” isn’t about diminishing ambition. It’s about building it on a foundation of self-acceptance. A shift that has the power to transform your entire relationship with yourself and your achievements. My friends who read this 100% confirm that this has life-ruining capacity. Read it at your own risk. Homecoming – John Bradshaw John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child” plunges headfirst into the murky depths that is the unconscious. And yes, that is as scary as it sounds. If “The Drama of the Gifted Child” helps you understand why you chase achievements, “Homecoming” bulldozes the wall between what you think you know about yourself and the truth. It goes into the back-end of all your behaviours and thoughts. And even, perhaps most importantly, it shines a light into the abandoned home of buried emotions you’re normally too scared to even acknowledge. “Homecoming” works with the concept of the wounded “inner child” – that part of you shaped by early experiences, both good and bad. Be prepared, though, because this exploration is not for the faint of heart. (I suggest only reading this book when you’re stable enough to induce psychological upheaval in your life). Because “Homecoming” wasn’t a quick read for me. It took months, filled with mini (and maxi)-breakdowns and major self-discoveries. It was truly the most “life-ruining” book I’ve encountered yet, dismantling my self-image and forcing me to confront hidden aspects of myself. But like any good apocalypse, the destruction leads to a powerful sense of rebirth. Now, I feel stronger and more whole than ever, and maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll be brave enough to revisit this transformative book. Maybe. The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Aron Do you struggle in loud spaces and need time to “recharge” between social engagements? Do you sometimes find yourself preferring to sit alone, in a dark room, away from everyone and everything? Are you more sensitive to pain (emotional or physical), textures, sounds, or people’s feelings? Well, consider “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You” by Elaine Aron your validation anthem. This book flips the script on societal norms, and reframes those “contrary” preferences, deep emotions, and heightened awareness that often leave you feeling like an outsider. Aron uses the term HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) to describe a neurodivergent trait thought to be prevalent in 15-20% of the population. (Scientifically, it is now called Sensory Processing Sensitivity). So, chances are, if you’ve ever felt like you process the world a little more intensely, you might belong to our vibrant crew. “The Highly Sensitive Person” offers a comforting narrative, explaining that your sensitivity isn’t a weakness. Rather, it’s a powerful trait that allows you to experience life with profound richness and depth. It’s a game-changer for HSPs and their loved ones, leading to improved understanding and self-acceptance. Sure, this book recommendation
The Best Advice My Therapist Gave Me & How It Changed My Life
If you would’ve told me a year ago, that I’d be writing about “my therapist’s best advice”, I would have laughed in your face! I was never going to therapy! Hah! How self-indulgent. Sure, I was miserable, but I would handle my own misery. No one would be able to help me with that. So, to say that I wholly swallowed the stigma surrounding therapy and psychiatric medication would be an understatement. To me, it was an admission of weakness. A last resort for those who “can’t handle things themselves.” Besides, I was always the one who gave the best advice. And I had plenty of advice left over for me. But let me tell you, the best advice I ever took was walking through those therapist’s office doors. Therapy isn’t just for people in crisis (or, in my case, people who hadn’t realised they were in crisis). Therapy is a toolbox for anyone who wants to navigate life’s challenges more effectively. Here’s why: The Best Advice I Ever Took Was Going to Therapy Wow, I wish I’d gone to therapy a whole lot sooner. All the crappy decisions I might’ve avoided! But regrets aside, here’s a little snapshot of what therapy did for me: Self-Awareness As someone who has journalled from the time she could write, I considered myself extremely self-aware. But in the very first session, I realised that I had some huge blind spots about myself. Like, huge. Like, how could I not have realised this about myself when it’s so obvious kind of mind f*ck. And therapy does that. It shines a light on our internal patterns—especially the ones we don’t want to see. We learn to identify unhelpful thought processes and limiting beliefs that hold us back. Mirroring (Being Seen) Mirroring was one of the things I didn’t know I lacked, but one of the things I so desperately needed. It refers to the therapist reflecting back your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a way that validates and clarifies them. I would pour my heart out about a difficult situation, choking back the tears. Then, my therapist would say something like, “That makes me really sad for you.” Shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it was. In those moment, a powerful shift would occur. I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Someone got it. And I wasn’t irrational or too sensitive for feeling the way I felt. This feeling of being seen can be incredibly healing. It validates your experience and gives you the courage to delve deeper. Growth Mindset While a fixed mindset views intelligence and talent as inherent traits, a growth mindset sees them as malleable qualities that can be developed through effort and learning. I’d realised before therapy that I needed to work on having a growth mindset. But therapy helped shine a light on all the areas that I was applying a fixed mindset to, without realising it. Like my career, which I hated but thought I had no choice but to continue. My newfound growth mindset has me now willing to embrace challenges, while also feeling a lot more resilient. With a growth mindset, you view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow, ultimately leading to greater achievement and personal fulfillment. Personal Support Another big thing that therapy offers, which I had never considered, was the personal support. If I had a problem, I could unburden myself at the therapist’s office, knowing it was a safe space to unpack it. Receiving unbiased support is rare in a world where everyone has their own agenda. Asking for help was also not in my frame of reference for life. So, being able to have a guide, instead of a judge, to help me find solutions was a really impactful experience. One that has enabled me to ask for help and advice more often (from safe people), and get the support I need. Coping Mechanisms Therapy equips us with tools to manage stress, anxiety, and depression. We learn techniques for emotional regulation and resilience. If I’m honest, I did not have high hopes for any ‘techniques’ that I would have to apply when I was depressed or anxious. The only ‘techniques’ that ever worked was sitting in a dark room alone, with my TV series, and a large supply of chocolate. Little did I know that those ‘coping mechanisms’ were plunging me further into darkness. And that there were way healthier ways of emotionally regulating than using addictive behaviours like food and TV. My Therapist’s Best Advice: Resources vs. Challenges There were times in my life when I felt completely overwhelmed. The weight of responsibilities felt crushing, and I couldn’t understand why I was struggling so much. I told myself that I was weak. That I just needed to work harder or put in more hours. That I needed to suck it up. Thankfully, my therapist introduced the concept of resources vs. challenges. This simple framework became a game-changer. The Best Advice My Therapist Ever Gave Me Challenges represent the stressors in our lives, the demands we face. It could be a demanding job, parenting struggles, financial difficulties, or relationship issues. Resources are the tools and coping mechanisms we have to deal with these challenges. These include our emotional reserves, physical health, finances, support systems, and general skills. The idea is that when our challenges increase, we need to find ways to either manage them better or increase our resources to cope effectively. Simple, right? But how many of us put this into practice? I wasn’t one of them. How This Changed My Life Understanding the concept of “Challenges vs Resources” had a profound impact on my life. Here’s how: Stopped the Self-Blame: Before therapy, when things got tough, I beat myself up. “Why can’t I handle this?” I’d think. Therapy helped me realise that it wasn’t necessarily a failing on my part. Maybe my resources were depleted, and I needed to find ways to replenish them. Empowered Me to Seek Help: I would have rather died (and nearly did, several times)
Every Body is a Beach Body! 3 Steps to Boost Body Confidence
The sun is ablaze. The days are longer. And along with the undeniable joys of summer comes the not-so-subtle pressure to “get beach ready.” *Rolling eyes* Scrolling through social media, I’m bombarded with intense workout routines and “summer body” challenges. But here’s the thing: somewhere along the way, we’ve internalised a narrow definition of what it means to look acceptable in the summer sun. We forget that the true gatekeepers of our confidence aren’t airbrushed magazine covers or unrealistic expectations, but ourselves (*exceptions apply to those living in truly oppressive cultures. Don’t try this in Iran). I know many of you reading this intellectually know that “every body is a beach body”, but don’t really believe that about yourself. It’s time to break free from that narrative and reclaim summer for what it truly is: a season to shake of seasonal depression, do fun things, spend time with those we love. And we can’t really do that fully if we’re worried about our bodies, can we? Take it from me. I was once a body-image worrier, but now I’m a body-confidence warrior. Here are 3 steps to really feeling the statement “every body is a beach body”. Why Do We Do This To Ourselves? A Brief History of Bodily Oppression I’m a nerd. So, I like to know where the hell the inexplicable things that we take for granted today come from. Like, why on Earth we’re all trying to get “snatched” or have a “summer glow-up” to impress people we don’t even know. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far, but feel free to leave some of your ideas in the comments. The Wife Prize For centuries, societal expectations dictated that a woman’s ultimate goal was marriage. This ingrained mindset limited women’s aspirations, making a husband the pinnacle of their life’s achievements. Unfortunately, this also meant conforming to a specific, male-approved ideal. Throughout history, this “ideal woman” has been defined by various physical attributes, creating immense pressure to fit a mold that often conflicted with natural health or personal desires. From the plump figures favored during the Renaissance to the corseted waists of the Victorian era, women were expected to manipulate their bodies to fit the current “wife prize” image. And I see the modern version of it now, playing out on social media and dating apps. Perhaps the goal is not a husband anymore. Perhaps its likes, attention, and acceptance. But the origins are the same, whereas what we’re ascribing to, isn’t. Inconsistent Beauty Ideals Not only are we trying to fit a preset of what is “beautiful”, but that preset is constantly changing! Ancient Greece preferred athletic builds, while the Middle Ages favored pale skin and flowing, unbound hair. The Victorian era championed a fragile, doll-like figure, while the 20th century saw a shift towards curves and a more “glamorous” look. Don’t even start me on how we went from emaciated models in the 90s to the big-butted Kardashian movement we’re currently in. It honestly beggars belief. On top of that, there have been groups of people who have been consistently excluded from all of this because their beauty was not recognised. Yup, I’m talking black and indigenous people who have not even been part of this beauty rat race because we were considered a bit sub-human to participate. I digress. What I’m getting at is that this constant change highlights the arbitrary nature of beauty standards. If you’re not careful, you could end up spending your life reshaping yourself to chase a moving target, never quite reaching the ever-evolving ideal. (Sounds expensive!) Needless to say that this inconsistency leaves women feeling perpetually inadequate. Fake News Media Of course I was going to come after the media! Traditional media and advertising have become masters of manipulation, shoving unrealistic body types down our throats for decades! Through airbrushing, clever camera angles, and carefully chosen models, magazines showcase flawless women who often represent a tiny fraction of the population. Television bombards us with celebrities who have access to personal trainers, stylists, and cosmetic procedures. And in the case of most, like the Kardashians, we hardly ever see them before their “glam” is done. This curated perfection creates a false reality, making it easy to develop a distorted perception of what a “normal” woman’s body should look like. And for black and brown people, it’s even worse, because there were hardly any representations for us to look up to. It was as though we were invisible! (Look at any teen movie from the early 2000s. All white casts. Maybe a token black side kick). This media mirage breeds feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, fueling the pressure to conform to a standard that’s simply unattainable for most. How to Kill Body Confidence: A Case Study on Social Media As if striving to match the unrealistic ideals of beauty wasn’t bad enough back in the day (I’m looking at you, eyebrow-less Mona Lisa!), social media has thrown gasoline on the fire. Today, perfectly curated online personas with flawless features and filtered physiques bombard us constantly. It’s a hyper-accelerated version of the pressure to conform, leaving us comparing ourselves to unrealistic portrayals of our own contemporaries. Altered Reality Social media has become a breeding ground for unrealistic beauty standards, fueled heavily by the rampant use of filters and editing tools. Platforms allow users to reshape their jawlines, smooth away blemishes, and alter body proportions with just a few taps. The result? A distorted perception of reality that bombards us daily. These heavily edited images paint a picture of flawless complexions and unattainable body types, creating a false standard that most people simply cannot live up to. This constant exposure to an airbrushed reality can warp our perception of natural beauty, making us hyper-critical of our own unedited features. I won’t lie – many years ago, before I went on my self-development arc – I tried using these photo-editing apps. (I was unsuccessful because I’m bad with this kind of stuff and
Are You Deactivating Or Falling Out Of Love? 5 Key Signs
A guide for the emotionally guarded and their partners.