Why Birthdays are Important at Every Age

For years, I was a birthday forgetter.    Those annual eruptions of cake and bad decorations, struck me as an unnecessary frivolity. A social performance best left unobserved.  My husband (pictured above), bless his patient soul, would get that hopeful look in his eyes a week before his big day. Only to be disappointed when the day came. Worse, I’d make him feel bad for “making a fuss about it”. “You’re not five, Dave!” Urgh, how horrible I was! So, if you’re as cynical about birthdays as I was, this is a short post on why birthdays are important at every age! Why birthdays are important at every age (but especially in childhood) I had a few good birthdays growing up.  Don’t get me wrong. My birthdays were not a joyous blur of frosting and streamers.  I remember having a good birthday at the tender age of 3. And then again at 8. My mom, in a rare burst of effort, created an epic treasure hunt that led me through to some cool presents.  (I have a hunch it was out of guilt for believing she neglected me after the birth of my brother earlier that year). That day stands out in stark contrast to the forgotten birthdays that never came.  This lack of birthday cheer left its mark (even though I did a good job of hiding it).  I convinced myself, and tried to convince others, that birthdays didn’t matter.   But, of course, it was a defense mechanism, a way to shield myself from the imminent disappointment.   The truth was, birthdays mattered. Maybe they wouldn’t have mattered if we’d stayed in Ethiopia, where my parents are from, and where birthdays are not as big a deal.  But being surrounded in a culture that appreciated people on their birthdays and feeling like the only one who wasn’t seen or celebrated on “my special day” was particularly painful. How I changed my mind on birthdays TLDR: therapy. Here’s the long story: It took a while, but eventually, something shifted.   Maybe it was watching the genuine joy on my husband’s face when his family surprised him with a gifts and a goofy card on his birthday, every year.  But I think there was a big shift for me after therapy.  Therapy helped me realise that I am allowed to feel whatever it is that I am feeling in the moment. Even if it was something “embarrassing” like “Yes, I want to make a big deal out of my 31st birthday”. Because for all their perceived cheesiness, birthdays are powerful little things.  They’re our little societal tradition of love and celebration. Final Thoughts So, here I am, the reformed birthday Grinch.  And here’s my takeaway messages. Birthdays may not cure world hunger, but they do something important: they remind us that we’re seen, we’re loved, and we deserve to feel a little bit special, every now and then. Sure, it can feel a little commercial or materialistic at times, but they don’t have to be. So, if you find yourself rolling your eyes at birthdays, wondering what the big deal is, I invite you to look into yourself.  Because, maybe like me, you’ve had to convince yourself that birthdays aren’t important, because you weren’t appreciated or made to feel seen.  And sometimes, it’s easier to pretend that something doesn’t matter, than to admit that it really f*kn hurts. 

What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? (Kids & Adults)

If you’re here after searching “What are the signs of histamine intolerance?” then I’m guessing you or someone you know aren’t doing too well. As someone who only discovered her lifelong histamine intolerance at the ripe old age of 30, I know that living with undiagnosed histamine intolerance can be challenging. For years, I struggled with unexplained symptoms like headaches, as well as nausea and vomiting after eating certain foods.  I’ve also had respiratory issues, and eventually even premenstrual dysphoric disorder (or PMDD) that took me by surprise.  But everything finally clicked once I realised that I had histamine intolerance.  So, if you’re on a similar journey, this post is for you! This post answers the preliminary questions around histamine intolerance in both kids and adults.  I sincerely hope it provides clarity. What is Histamine Intolerance? Histamine (or antihistamines) might feel familiar if you’ve ever dealt with seasonal sniffles and itchy eyes, like seasonal hay fever.  But although its got a bad reputation, histamine isn’t all bad.  In fact, it’s a busy, quite important molecule in your body that acts as a messenger in the immune system, aids digestion, and even influences sleep and focus.  But histamine can also be a troublemaker.  When your body releases too much in response to certain foods or allergens, it triggers those familiar allergy symptoms like runny nose, itching, and sneezing.  Normally, an enzyme called diamine oxidase (DAO) keeps histamine in check.  However, with histamine intolerance, DAO activity is low, leading to a buildup of histamine and those unpleasant allergy-like reactions, depending on which histamine receptors are involved.  H1 receptors, for instance, might cause headaches, rashes, and runny noses – similar to hay fever. And easily controlled with over-the-counter antihistamines. H2 receptors, on the other hand, can lead to digestive issues like cramping and diarrhea.  In severe cases, excess histamine can even mimic symptoms of anaphylactic shock, like flushing, nausea, and dizziness.  Though thankfully without the life-threatening element.   What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? Histamine intolerance is really hard to diagnose because each of the symptoms is often treated separately.  You could easily end up taking 4 – 5 different medications for what, ultimately, boils down to the same, elusive thing. I’ll give you 8 groupings of symptoms to look out for: Skin: Hot flushes, hives, rashes, eczema, itchiness, swelling (eyes and face). Sinuses: Runny nose, itchy, red or painful eyes Neurological: Headaches & migraines, insomnia, anxiety & depression, fatigue Cardiovascular: Heart palpitations, arrhythmia, low blood pressure (dizziness), blood clots Digestive: Nausea & vomiting, diarrhoea, loose stool, stomach pain, heartburn, food sensitivities (e.g. gluten or fruits), bloating, Crohn’s/ colitis Respiratory: Difficulty breathing, asthma, throat clearing, sore throat Reproductive: Painful cramps, irregular periods, endometriosis, PMDD, estrogen dominance Musculoskeletal: Muscle pain & twitching, joint pain, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia Risk Factors for Developing Histamine Intolerance Histamine intolerance is supposedly rare, officially affecting about 1–3% of the global population.  However, seeing as it is extremely hard to diagnose, a person or their doctor may not recognise it and may mistake it for a food allergy or gastrointestinal disorder. There are several factors that can increase your risk of developing histamine intolerance: Genetic predisposition: Some people (like yours truly) inherit a variation in their genes that affects the production of DAO. This leads to a higher risk of histamine intolerance. Gut health issues: Conditions like leaky gut and small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO) can disrupt the gut microbiome, which may play a role in DAO production and histamine processing. Our modern diet, with all the ultraprocessed foods and sugar, is not helping. Certain medications: Some medications, such as antidepressants, heartburn medications, and pain relievers, can interfere with DAO function or block histamine breakdown. Vitamin deficiencies: Deficiencies in vitamins B6 and vitamin C can impair DAO activity, making you more susceptible to histamine intolerance. Age: DAO activity naturally decreases with age, which could explain why some people develop histamine intolerance later in life. Over 80% of people with histamine intolerance are middle aged.  High-histamine diet: Regularly consuming large amounts of foods naturally high in histamine (see below) or that trigger histamine release can contribute to symptoms, especially if your DAO activity is already compromised. Living with Histamine Intolerance Let me tell you, living with histamine intolerance is no fun!  Honestly, give me a simple gluten intolerance any day of the week. Because no one has even heard of histamine intolerance. Which means restaurants and items at the grocery store often contain a lot of it.  Navigating what sets you off, personally, is also a painful game of trial and error.  One minute, you’re enjoying a sharing plate of hummus and baba ganoush with friends, the next, your head feels like a drum solo and you can’t leave bed for two days. #TrueStory  It’s frustrating. And skipping dessert while everyone else digs in can feel isolating. But I would not go back to the days where I didn’t know what was wrong. The days when I felt lethargic and nauseous and had days-long headaches that nothing could cure. So the good news is that once you understand your triggers, you can adjust your lifestyle and finally ditch the drama. It takes work, but hey, feeling good is what we’re all trying to achieve through different means, anyway. What are the signs of histamine intolerance in children? I’ll give you my experience first. Every year, around December, my family and I would take a trip to where we originally come from: Ethiopia. And every year, that meant one thing for me: vomiting. Lots of it.  My mom, thinking it was a question of a lack of hygiene during meal prep would have stricter and stricter standards for what I could and couldn’t eat.  But nothing worked.  Whether I ate injera (highly fermented flatbread), kale, or shiro (a stew made with chickpea powder), it all came out.  And if I ate pasta with tomato sauce, I would be up all night with heartburn.  Add to that the asthma and coughing –

3 Best Self-Concept Books To Change How You See Yourself

My friends often credit me with ruining their lives through the psychology books I recommend them.  *takes a bow* But jokes aside, psychology books can be risky business.  You see, these are different to your typical self-help, “10 Steps to Happiness” fluff pieces.  These are the kind of books that shatter your whole way of thinking, leaving you questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. This can be painful at first, as you grapple with the loss of who you knew. But, it also, more importantly, leaves a lot of space for a new sense of self. Intrigued? Terrified? Maybe a little bit of both?  Well, my dear internet friends, strap in, because here are my top 3 best self-concept books that will absolutely transform how you see yourself: Self-Help vs. Psychology Now, before we dive in, it’s important to distinguish psychology books from your typical self-help book. Unlike self-help, which often offers quick fixes and one-size-fits-all techniques, psychology books delve deeper. They’re grounded in research, practice, and studies, giving you a solid understanding of the human mind. Instead of simply telling you what to do (like counting to 5 or doing a visualisation/ breathing technique), psychology books probe. They ask questions that challenge your assumptions and push you to explore the “why” behind your thoughts and behaviours. This approach might not offer instant gratification or boost in morale (often the opposite!). But it aims for a more lasting transformation, one built on self-discovery rather than a temporary motivational high. And to be clear, I’m not hating on self-help books (though I consume them very sparingly). I have seen how they can easily become a paralysing coping mechanism, where you read self-help books to procrastinate actually changing your life.   Psychology books, on the other hand, are the opposite of a coping mechanism, in that they slap you in the face with the truth.  For that reason, I find them infinitely more useful than the “10 ways how to not give a f***”-style books currently flooding the market. So, without further ado, here are my top 3 best self-concept books that will absolutely change your life. The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller Are you a high achiever who constantly strives for that elusive gold star? Do you have a nagging sense that love and validation hinge on your accomplishments? If so, Alice Miller’s “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self” might just be the book to ruin your life (as you know it). This book explores the hidden cost of achievement-based praise in childhood. Miller, a celebrated psychiatrist, argues that children praised for achievements rather than their authentic selves often develop a ‘false self’.This is a people-pleasing persona that masks their true needs and emotions. This constant striving for external validation leaves them feeling empty and disconnected from their inner selves. “The Drama of the Gifted Child” helped me understand why I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a fraud despite my successes. It showed me that true self-worth comes from accepting and expressing my full range of emotions, not just the ones that win approval. (This blog is a testament to that growth!) But before you hesitate, “The Drama of the Gifted Child” isn’t about diminishing ambition. It’s about building it on a foundation of self-acceptance.  A shift that has the power to transform your entire relationship with yourself and your achievements. My friends who read this 100% confirm that this has life-ruining capacity. Read it at your own risk. Homecoming – John Bradshaw John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child” plunges headfirst into the murky depths that is the unconscious.  And yes, that is as scary as it sounds. If “The Drama of the Gifted Child” helps you understand why you chase achievements, “Homecoming” bulldozes the wall between what you think you know about yourself and the truth.  It goes into the back-end of all your behaviours and thoughts. And even, perhaps most importantly, it shines a light into the abandoned home of buried emotions you’re normally too scared to even acknowledge.  “Homecoming” works with the concept of the wounded “inner child” – that part of you shaped by early experiences, both good and bad.  Be prepared, though, because this exploration is not for the faint of heart. (I suggest only reading this book when you’re stable enough to induce psychological upheaval in your life).  Because “Homecoming” wasn’t a quick read for me.  It took months, filled with mini (and maxi)-breakdowns and major self-discoveries.  It was truly the most “life-ruining” book I’ve encountered yet, dismantling my self-image and forcing me to confront hidden aspects of myself.  But like any good apocalypse, the destruction leads to a powerful sense of rebirth.  Now, I feel stronger and more whole than ever, and maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll be brave enough to revisit this transformative book.  Maybe. The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Aron Do you struggle in loud spaces and need time to “recharge” between social engagements?  Do you sometimes find yourself preferring to sit alone, in a dark room, away from everyone and everything? Are you more sensitive to pain (emotional or physical), textures, sounds, or people’s feelings? Well, consider “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You” by Elaine Aron your validation anthem.  This book flips the script on societal norms, and reframes those “contrary” preferences, deep emotions, and heightened awareness that often leave you feeling like an outsider.  Aron uses the term HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) to describe a neurodivergent trait thought to be prevalent in 15-20% of the population. (Scientifically, it is now called Sensory Processing Sensitivity). So, chances are, if you’ve ever felt like you process the world a little more intensely, you might belong to our vibrant crew.  “The Highly Sensitive Person” offers a comforting narrative, explaining that your sensitivity isn’t a weakness.  Rather, it’s a powerful trait that allows you to experience life with profound richness and depth.  It’s a game-changer for HSPs and their loved ones, leading to improved understanding and self-acceptance. Sure, this book recommendation

The Best Advice My Therapist Gave Me & How It Changed My Life

If you would’ve told me a year ago, that I’d be writing about “my therapist’s best advice”, I would have laughed in your face! I was never going to therapy! Hah!  How self-indulgent. Sure, I was miserable, but I would handle my own misery. No one would be able to help me with that. So, to say that I wholly swallowed the stigma surrounding therapy and psychiatric medication would be an understatement.  To me, it was an admission of weakness.  A last resort for those who “can’t handle things themselves.”  Besides, I was always the one who gave the best advice. And I had plenty of advice left over for me. But let me tell you, the best advice I ever took was walking through those therapist’s office doors.  Therapy isn’t just for people in crisis (or, in my case, people who hadn’t realised they were in crisis). Therapy is a toolbox for anyone who wants to navigate life’s challenges more effectively.  Here’s why: The Best Advice I Ever Took Was Going to Therapy Wow, I wish I’d gone to therapy a whole lot sooner.   All the crappy decisions I might’ve avoided!  But regrets aside, here’s a little snapshot of what therapy did for me: Self-Awareness As someone who has journalled from the time she could write, I considered myself extremely self-aware.  But in the very first session, I realised that I had some huge blind spots about myself.  Like, huge.  Like, how could I not have realised this about myself when it’s so obvious kind of mind f*ck. And therapy does that. It shines a light on our internal patterns—especially the ones we don’t want to see. We learn to identify unhelpful thought processes and limiting beliefs that hold us back. Mirroring (Being Seen) Mirroring was one of the things I didn’t know I lacked, but one of the things I so desperately needed. It refers to the therapist reflecting back your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a way that validates and clarifies them. I would pour my heart out about a difficult situation, choking back the tears.  Then, my therapist would say something like, “That makes me really sad for you.” Shouldn’t have been a big deal, but it was. In those moment, a powerful shift would occur.  I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Someone got it.  And I wasn’t irrational or too sensitive for feeling the way I felt. This feeling of being seen can be incredibly healing.  It validates your experience and gives you the courage to delve deeper. Growth Mindset While a fixed mindset views intelligence and talent as inherent traits, a growth mindset sees them as malleable qualities that can be developed through effort and learning. I’d realised before therapy that I needed to work on having a growth mindset.  But therapy helped shine a light on all the areas that I was applying a fixed mindset to, without realising it.  Like my career, which I hated but thought I had no choice but to continue.  My newfound growth mindset has me now willing to embrace challenges, while also feeling a lot more resilient.  With a growth mindset, you view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow, ultimately leading to greater achievement and personal fulfillment. Personal Support Another big thing that therapy offers, which I had never considered, was the personal support.  If I had a problem, I could unburden myself at the therapist’s office, knowing it was a safe space to unpack it.  Receiving unbiased support is rare in a world where everyone has their own agenda.  Asking for help was also not in my frame of reference for life.  So, being able to have a guide, instead of a judge, to help me find solutions was a really impactful experience. One that has enabled me to ask for help and advice more often (from safe people), and get the support I need. Coping Mechanisms Therapy equips us with tools to manage stress, anxiety, and depression.  We learn techniques for emotional regulation and resilience. If I’m honest, I did not have high hopes for any ‘techniques’ that I would have to apply when I was depressed or anxious. The only ‘techniques’ that ever worked was sitting in a dark room alone, with my TV series, and a large supply of chocolate.  Little did I know that those ‘coping mechanisms’ were plunging me further into darkness.  And that there were way healthier ways of emotionally regulating than using addictive behaviours like food and TV. My Therapist’s Best Advice: Resources vs. Challenges There were times in my life when I felt completely overwhelmed.  The weight of responsibilities felt crushing, and I couldn’t understand why I was struggling so much.  I told myself that I was weak. That I just needed to work harder or put in more hours. That I needed to suck it up. Thankfully, my therapist introduced the concept of resources vs. challenges. This simple framework became a game-changer. The Best Advice My Therapist Ever Gave Me Challenges represent the stressors in our lives, the demands we face.  It could be a demanding job, parenting struggles, financial difficulties, or relationship issues.  Resources are the tools and coping mechanisms we have to deal with these challenges.  These include our emotional reserves, physical health, finances, support systems, and general skills. The idea is that when our challenges increase, we need to find ways to either manage them better or increase our resources to cope effectively. Simple, right? But how many of us put this into practice? I wasn’t one of them. How This Changed My Life Understanding the concept of “Challenges vs Resources” had a profound impact on my life.  Here’s how: Stopped the Self-Blame: Before therapy, when things got tough, I beat myself up. “Why can’t I handle this?” I’d think. Therapy helped me realise that it wasn’t necessarily a failing on my part. Maybe my resources were depleted, and I needed to find ways to replenish them. Empowered Me to Seek Help: I would have rather died (and nearly did, several times)

Every Body is a Beach Body! 3 Steps to Boost Body Confidence

The sun is ablaze. The days are longer. And along with the undeniable joys of summer comes the not-so-subtle pressure to “get beach ready.” *Rolling eyes* Scrolling through social media, I’m bombarded with intense workout routines and “summer body” challenges.  But here’s the thing: somewhere along the way, we’ve internalised a narrow definition of what it means to look acceptable in the summer sun.  We forget that the true gatekeepers of our confidence aren’t airbrushed magazine covers or unrealistic expectations, but ourselves (*exceptions apply to those living in truly oppressive cultures. Don’t try this in Iran).  I know many of you reading this intellectually know that “every body is a beach body”, but don’t really believe that about yourself. It’s time to break free from that narrative and reclaim summer for what it truly is: a season to shake of seasonal depression, do fun things, spend time with those we love.  And we can’t really do that fully if we’re worried about our bodies, can we? Take it from me.  I was once a body-image worrier, but now I’m a body-confidence warrior. Here are 3 steps to really feeling the statement “every body is a beach body”. Why Do We Do This To Ourselves? A Brief History of Bodily Oppression I’m a nerd. So, I like to know where the hell the inexplicable things that we take for granted today come from.  Like, why on Earth we’re all trying to get “snatched” or have a “summer glow-up” to impress people we don’t even know.  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far, but feel free to leave some of your ideas in the comments. The Wife Prize For centuries, societal expectations dictated that a woman’s ultimate goal was marriage.  This ingrained mindset limited women’s aspirations, making a husband the pinnacle of their life’s achievements.  Unfortunately, this also meant conforming to a specific, male-approved ideal.  Throughout history, this “ideal woman” has been defined by various physical attributes, creating immense pressure to fit a mold that often conflicted with natural health or personal desires.  From the plump figures favored during the Renaissance to the corseted waists of the Victorian era, women were expected to manipulate their bodies to fit the current “wife prize” image. And I see the modern version of it now, playing out on social media and dating apps.  Perhaps the goal is not a husband anymore. Perhaps its likes, attention, and acceptance. But the origins are the same, whereas what we’re ascribing to, isn’t. Inconsistent Beauty Ideals Not only are we trying to fit a preset of what is “beautiful”, but that preset is constantly changing! Ancient Greece preferred athletic builds, while the Middle Ages favored pale skin and flowing, unbound hair.  The Victorian era championed a fragile, doll-like figure, while the 20th century saw a shift towards curves and a more “glamorous” look.  Don’t even start me on how we went from emaciated models in the 90s to the big-butted Kardashian movement we’re currently in.  It honestly beggars belief. On top of that, there have been groups of people who have been consistently excluded from all of this because their beauty was not recognised. Yup, I’m talking black and indigenous people who have not even been part of this beauty rat race because we were considered a bit sub-human to participate. I digress. What I’m getting at is that this constant change highlights the arbitrary nature of beauty standards.  If you’re not careful, you could end up spending your life reshaping yourself to chase a moving target, never quite reaching the ever-evolving ideal. (Sounds expensive!) Needless to say that this inconsistency leaves women feeling perpetually inadequate. Fake News Media Of course I was going to come after the media! Traditional media and advertising have become masters of manipulation, shoving unrealistic body types down our throats for decades!  Through airbrushing, clever camera angles, and carefully chosen models, magazines showcase flawless women who often represent a tiny fraction of the population.  Television bombards us with celebrities who have access to personal trainers, stylists, and cosmetic procedures.  And in the case of most, like the Kardashians, we hardly ever see them before their “glam” is done.  This curated perfection creates a false reality, making it easy to develop a distorted perception of what a “normal” woman’s body should look like.  And for black and brown people, it’s even worse, because there were hardly any representations for us to look up to. It was as though we were invisible!  (Look at any teen movie from the early 2000s. All white casts. Maybe a token black side kick). This media mirage breeds feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, fueling the pressure to conform to a standard that’s simply unattainable for most. How to Kill Body Confidence: A Case Study on Social Media As if striving to match the unrealistic ideals of beauty wasn’t bad enough back in the day (I’m looking at you, eyebrow-less Mona Lisa!), social media has thrown gasoline on the fire.  Today, perfectly curated online personas with flawless features and filtered physiques bombard us constantly.  It’s a hyper-accelerated version of the pressure to conform, leaving us comparing ourselves to unrealistic portrayals of our own contemporaries. Altered Reality Social media has become a breeding ground for unrealistic beauty standards, fueled heavily by the rampant use of filters and editing tools.  Platforms allow users to reshape their jawlines, smooth away blemishes, and alter body proportions with just a few taps.  The result?  A distorted perception of reality that bombards us daily.  These heavily edited images paint a picture of flawless complexions and unattainable body types, creating a false standard that most people simply cannot live up to.  This constant exposure to an airbrushed reality can warp our perception of natural beauty, making us hyper-critical of our own unedited features. I won’t lie – many years ago, before I went on my self-development arc – I tried using these photo-editing apps. (I was unsuccessful because I’m bad with this kind of stuff and

Are You Deactivating Or Falling Out Of Love? 5 Key Signs

A guide for the emotionally guarded and their partners.

Emotional Dysregulation: Why You Snap & How to Stop

Ever wake up with the sudden awareness that you’ve been constantly stressed all your life? Well, that was me after my first stint in therapy. It suddenly hit me that a big reason for some of my most destructive habits and behaviours was my attempt and self-regulating.  And when I finally saw it, I felt like a fish discovering water – suddenly I saw it everywhere! I’m talking about food addiction, TV addiction, shutting down emotions, and more. These were things that I thought were “just part of my personality”, but they were just coping techniques for low-grade, constant stress.  And the worst part: these habits were holding me back from goals, relationships, and self-esteem.  So, in this post, I’ll be answering: What is emotional dysregulation? How do I know if I’m emotionally regulated or not? Why are some of us more prone to dysregulation, while others seem to handle stress better? And most importantly, how can we self-regulate to get out of the spiral of dysregulation? What is emotional dysregulation? Definitions for emotional dysregulation vary greatly.  One of the more sterile definitions I’ve found is, “an inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses, which can lead to significant mood swings, significant changes in mood, or emotional lability“.  A less clinical definition, and the way I like to think of it is that emotional dysregulation is when you have trouble managing your emotions. This can mean feeling overwhelmed by emotions, having difficulty calming down, or struggling to express your feelings in a healthy way. It’s as though your emotions are like the volume dial on a loudspeaker. Normally, you can turn it up and down depending on the situation. But with emotional dysregulation, it’s like the knob is stuck or gets jammed easily or even randomly turns itself to whatever volume.  You might feel calm one minute and then suddenly explode in anger over something seemingly small. You might be stressed an anxious at 10pm with no obvious cause.  It’s like your emotions are way louder (or quieter) than the situation calls for, and it can be hard to get them back to a comfortable, situation-appropriate level.   How do I know whether I’m emotionally regulated or not? You might think that it would be obvious to anyone who was emotionally out-of-whack that they were part of the emotionally dysregulated community. But, with most things involving emotions, it is not that simple.   Take my case, for example. My entire life I have experienced high anxiety, innumerable bouts of depression, and intrusive, suicidal thoughts. I also used food, TV, and sometimes other substances (like alcohol, sugar, and even cannabis) to cope.  But the entire time, I had no idea that all of these manifestations were simply the symptoms of emotional dysregulation. Below I’ve compiled some of the big, should-be-obvious-but-they’re-not symptoms of emotional dysregulation.  It was only when I did therapy that I realised that it was not “normal” to feel this way all the time.  If you experience any one of these symptoms, it’s important not to ignore them. Or worse, take them as part of your “deficient” personality.  Why Are We Even Like This? Okay, let’s put aside cases for emotional dysregulation from getting your head whacked and disrupting your brain’s hardware.  For the majority of us, we are chronically emotionally dysregulated because we were never taught how to regulate our emotions.  Emotional regulation, like many other things in life, is an acquired skill, not an innate ability. And many of us who grew up in households where you had to cater to the emotions of the adults in our lives never figured out how to tend to our own.  Below are 9 possible reasons why you’re chronically dysregulated.    Each of these potential reasons is a big deal in and of itself, so please don’t feel like you need more than one thing to ‘justify’ your chronic emotional dysregulation. This list is also by no means exhaustive. There are simply way more ways to not know how to cope than there are ways to self-regulate.  So, if you can’t see your particular situation reflected in the list, drop it in the comments below to help others relate. How To Self-Regulate Ah, the tricky part – calming the f*** down without the usual self-destructive aids. I have not mastered this part, which means I’m not writing to you from the smug end of victory. I am, however, significantly further along the process than when I started.  It takes a while. Because it’s about rewiring your entire nervous system to be different to how it’s been your entire life.  But every inch of your peace gained is worth the battles you fight to win it. Here is some of the best ways to regulate: Breathing (The Right Way) I once heard this monk say that “99% of all our problems come from breathing incorrectly”. I don’t know if that’s true, but breathing well can definitely help to self-regulate. This techniques works best for the explosive or overwhelming feelings. The kind where you feel like you’re going to burst. It also works quite well for severe anxiety. The trick is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in.  So, if you breath in for a count of 6, make sure to breathe out for a count of 8 or more to get the calming benefits. Do this for at least 5 rounds of in-and-out breaths, or until you feel calm. (Be sure to count. Doing the opposite – inhaling for longer than you exhale – can exacerbate anxiety).  Movement Exercise – not one anyone wants to hear, I know.  But hear me out, because I would not recommend this unless I personally experienced the benefits. And I have. I usually exercise at home, alone, early in the morning. On my rest days, I am significantly more dysregulated (I eat more junk, am a bit more snappy). Others use exercise to burn off some steam. Like going for a run when you’re extra stressed at

Postpartum Depression: My 14-Month Battle & What Finally Helped

Postpartum Depression: My 14-Month Battle & What Finally Helped Ever stare bleary-eyed at your beautiful newborns, an existential dread twisting in your gut? And felt that, no matter what you tried, the hopelessness wouldn’t budge?  Did you ever wonder whether you were experiencing postpartum depression (PPD) or were just an unfit parent who had made a colossal mistake by bringing life into the world? That was me, Haimi, a new mom of twins.   Here’s the thing: I knew depression before pregnancy, but I always managed to climb out of the hole eventually. This time, though, with double the trouble in the cutest possible form, it felt different.  The exhaustion was one thing, but the crushing anxiety and bottomless sadness – that was new. Months blurred together in a haze of feedings, diaper changes, and a constant, nagging question: would I ever feel joy again?   I genuinely didn’t know if I could go on for much longer. Often, I’d ask myself: is this PPD? I didn’t meet all of the criteria, so I struggled to see myself in what was being written. And because of that, I didn’t get help for a long time. But there is hope if we all talk to each other. And that’s why I’m sharing my story, along with the questions I grappled with, so you don’t have to walk this path alone.   Let’s break down the confusion and fear surrounding PPD, one question at a time. What is Postpartum Depression? (And What Isn’t?) The Oxford dictionary likes to define postpartum depression as depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue; postnatal depression.   I suppose that’s an accurate, clear, and perhaps even comprehensive explanation. After all, one can pack a lot of symptoms into “depression”.  But I like to think of PPD in slightly less clinical terms (just because none of it felt clinical to me). PPD is a complex emotional and hormonal shift that can sometimes occur after childbirth, extending beyond the temporary “baby blues” some new moms experience (that have more to do with the changes from the birthing process rather than a longer term of depression).   What Does Postpartum Depression Feel Like? If you’re struggling with PPD, you might find yourself feeling a persistent sense of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness, even amidst the joy of having a newborn.  Daily tasks can become overwhelming, and sometimes basic self-care feels impossible (even when you have a rare moment for that shower).  You may experience difficulty bonding with your baby or find yourself consumed by worry and guilt about your parenting abilities. You may feel regret at having had a child at all, or feel stuck with the weight of your choice to do so (if it was a choice at all).   It’s not a one-size-fits-all kind of affliction. Seeing it as a box-ticking exercise of symptoms, rather than taking into account the holistic well-being of the mother has the secondary effect of alienating vulnerable women and leaving a lot of them without the help they need. Complete this survey to see if you have the symptoms by completing the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) here.   3 days postpartum Is It Postpartum Depression or the “Baby Blues”? So, what’s the difference between PPD and the so-called “baby blues”? The length and severity.  The baby blues usually come on quickly after birth, make you tired, teary, and tense for a couple of weeks, and then you’re good to go. It also generally does not affect your parenting or adulting abilities. You’re able to reasonably care for yourself and your offspring.  PPD, on the other hand, can start at any point after birth and can last for any amount of time thereafter. The symptoms are often more profound and entrenched. Think: fearfulness, helplessness, hopelessness, regret, guilt, and despair.  Another way I like to think of it is that the baby blues are about physical and chemical changes. Exhaustion, hormonal changes due to birth and breastfeeding, a new routine, etc.  The body takes some time to adjust to this, and the crying and mood swings are a natural result.  PPD has deeper roots. Sure, physical and hormonal changes have a big role to play. But I believe that PPD has a lot to do with our mental make up from before we were pregnant.  Things like lifelong perfectionistic tendencies, coming from a dysfunctional family system, or being fiercely independent can set us up for the big PPD.  Also, if you’ve suffered with bouts of regular-degular depression, or other disorders like bipolar disorder, before getting pregnant, you are at a higher risk of getting PPD after childbirth.  A Useful Analogy Think of the difference between the baby blues and postpartum depression this way: Let’s say you’re on a beach and decide to go for a swim.  The baby blues would be like a wave – maybe a large one – that hits you, maybe knocks you on your butt, and drags you along the sand a little. Not long after, it recedes back into the ocean, and you’re able to pick yourself up and head back to the shore.  You might have a bruise or scrape, and you might be a little stunned, but you otherwise make it out unscathed. PPD would be if you decided to go out to swim in the sea, get sucked far out into the open ocean by a riptide, and you struggle for dear life to get back to shore. Because PPD, like riptides, can be deadly if help is not found quickly.  It’s an experience that profoundly changes your relationship to life and something that’ll take a while to process. Can I Still Have Postpartum Depression if I’m Happy Sometimes? Yes!  Experiencing moments of joy, even happy moments while parenting, would not overrule a diagnosis of PPD. If you otherwise are hampered by an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, loss, regret, guilt, or shame, PPD may still apply. I had many joyful moments with my beautiful twin girls,