How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

The Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Journey​

The Fundamental of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Personal Journey Becoming a mother changes you in profound ways. But for me, it wasn’t the glowing transformation of joy that social media likes to portray. When I gave birth to my twins, I experienced what felt like a complete unravelling of everything I thought I knew about myself.  It wasn’t just the sleepless nights or the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two new lives. Rather, I felt as if every unresolved part of my past came rushing to the surface all at once. Every hurt, every defense mechanism, and every suppressed feeling began demanding my attention.  It was terrifying, disorienting, and left me spiralling into a 14-month depression—a depression I didn’t even recognize until I began clawing my way out of it. But my breaking point also became my turning point.  Through a lot of hard, messy work, I’ve come to understand that I wasn’t broken or defective. What I was experiencing was the aftermath of complex trauma, and I now know that it’s not only possible to heal from it, but that the process of healing can lead to a richer, more authentic life.  In this post, I want to share the fundamentals of complex trauma in adults—what it is, how it manifests, and why it’s so often overlooked. And for those in the thick of it, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. Let’s go! What is Complex Trauma? It wouldn’t be a “fundamentals of complex trauma in adults” if I didn’t try to give some sort of definition of complex trauma. Complex trauma isn’t about a single, catastrophic event.  Instead, it arises from prolonged exposure to emotionally or psychologically harmful environments, often during formative years. It’s rooted in relationships, particularly those where trust and safety should exist but don’t.  Unlike the “big T” Traumas, such as one-off natural disasters or violent assaults, complex trauma is cumulative and insidious, often involving neglect, emotional invalidation, or manipulation.  Here’s how I like to think about it:  Big T events are things that happen to you when they shouldn’t. Little T traumas often involve things that don’t happen when they should—like the absence of love, respect, attention, security, reliability, or safety.  Sometimes, complex trauma can be a combination of both big T and little T trauma. (Yikes!)   Over time, these repeated absences can have the same or even greater effects as big T trauma. This is because they are subtle, hard to detect, and often invalidated or overlooked by others. For many of us, it’s easy to downplay our experiences. My childhood, for instance, seemed perfectly adequate on the surface. I was well provided for materially, and from the outside, my family appeared stable.  But beneath that veneer were years of emotional neglect and dysfunction—parents who could be invalidating, neglectful, and emotionally absent. These experiences taught me to people-please, to fear confrontation, and to internalise a sense of unworthiness. I was super confused, for years, around why I just couldn’t get my sh*t together. Characteristics & Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults Educating yourself about the characteristics of complex trauma is often the first step to healing.  Understanding how these traits may have developed as responses to certain elements in your formative years can help alleviate the confusion, self-blame, and anger you might feel.  My Complex Trauma Bible is Tim Fletcher’s “60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma“, which provides a comprehensive framework for understanding how it impacts adults. He has a series on YouTube as well. It’s changed my life! Here, I’ll highlight some key ways it showed up in my life and how it might manifest for others: 1. Emotional Dysregulation For years, I felt like my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. Either that, or I’m completely shut down – robot style.  I’d swing between anxiety, sadness, and determination in a short period. Small frustrations, like a rude comment or an unexpected change in plans, could leave me spiralling for hours or days.  This emotional volatility is the one thing that bonds all of us complex trauma people together. We just don’t know how to regulate our emotions! How could we? We were never taught (but it’s not too late).  2. People-Pleasing and Fear of Conflict Growing up, there was only room for my father’s anger and demands in the house. So, I learned that avoiding conflict was safer than asserting my needs.  As an adult, this translated into people-pleasing behaviours: Saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” Changing my character, accent, and entire personality depending on the person. Bending over backwards to avoid upsetting others (which sometimes involved manipulation!).    The very thought of confrontation could leave me paralysed with fear. 3. Hypervigilance Are you an Empath/ Highly Sensitive Person? Well, you might have complex trauma! Complex trauma keeps you on high alert, constantly scanning for potential threats. It’s a body’s nervous system trying to figure out fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses. So, I’d replay conversations in my head, analysing every word for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval. And eventually, I became a “highly sensitive person” or “empath“.  Not someone who would cry at the drop of the hat (this was not allowed in my childhood home). But rather someone who could infer how a person felt from a simple look or micro-expression.  People admired this about me. “Wow, you’re so perceptive!” But damn, what a price to pay for being observant.  This hyper-awareness is exhausting and makes it very difficult to relax. 4. Sense of Inferiority No matter how many external achievements I racked up—from academic successes to professional milestones—I couldn’t shake the belief that I was fundamentally “less than.”  Whether I based it on my race and ethnicity, or my gender, or my nationality – you name it, I was feeling less than. Sure, there’s a component of social hierarchies, structural racism, and actual discrimination going on.  But because I didn’t have a strong enough sense of self, I

The Anxiety of Change: Why Even Small Shifts Bring Big Emotions

Change is a part of life.  Just last month, we moved apartments. And even though I knew the change was coming, and said on a number of occasions, “there’s a big change coming – we need to cut ourselves a lot of slack,” it didn’t stop that change from kicking our metaphorical asses. Change, in my case, is pretty… undignified. Whatever the opposite of graceful is, you’ll find me there during major shifts. And that’s true for many.  Whether it’s moving to a new city, starting a new job, or even small lifestyle adjustments, many of us feel a sense of unease both before, during, and a long time after the change. This is definitely true of change we don’t see coming. Or bad changes we know are on their way.  But why can even positive change—something we’ve looked forward to—trigger anxiety? The answer lies in how our minds and bodies respond to uncertainty.  For those of us who’ve experienced complex trauma, this reaction is often heightened. Even though change can be good for us, our past experiences can cause us to misinterpret all change as a threat.  Let’s dive deeper into the anxiety of change and how we can (try to) navigate it in a healthier way. **This post and my research on the topic is just as much for me as it is for an external audience** Why does change trigger anxiety? The Nature of Change Change, even when positive, represents uncertainty.  Our brains are still wired to prefer stability and predictability. (How unfortunate for those of us in this modern era). And to our limbic, reptilian brains, predictability = safety.  When something new arises—like moving house or starting a new study program (both of which I have done this month!)—it sets off alarm bells throughout the body.  So, the perceived vulnerability that comes with uncertainty often leads to some degree of anxiety. Even when the change is ultimately beneficial.   Complex Trauma & Maladation to Change For those of us with complex trauma (CPTSD), any shift—whether positive or negative—can feel unsettling.  Tim Fletcher, my favourite internet psychologist, says people with CPTSD can often see change as dangerous because it threatens the familiar.  Even if that familiar wasn’t good.  Why? Because complex trauma survivors often associate change with painful transitions. Especially if we were unsupported during key life moments like childhood moves, family breakdowns, or other major disruptions.  These early experiences can condition us to resist change or label it as dangerous. So our brains registered another equation and stored it deep in our bodies. Change is always bad and I will have to deal with it all by myself. When I moved house recently and decided to return to studying, I knew that these changes would affect me. They were exciting and positive life decisions, but the anxiety still crept in.  I experienced a whole load of symptoms. One of the scariest was the return of intrusive, catastrophic thoughts. Like, “What if your daughter got hit by a car?” or “What if you all end up homeless and on the street?” On the surface, these thoughts have nothing to do with starting a new study program or changing apartments. But when I reflected on my anxiety around these changes, I realised that it wasn’t the move or the studying itself that was scary. It was the childhood memory of going through major life shifts feeling alone and unsupported.  And the flying catastrophic thoughts? They were just a symptom of my heightened anxiety. My brain was scared, and it was letting me know.  Recognising that made it easier to understand where the anxiety was coming from. And it helped me avoid mislabeling the change as inherently bad. Positive Change Isn’t Always Comfortable It’s easy to believe that positive changes should automatically feel good.  But here’s the truth: change can feel uncomfortable no matter how good it is.  The anxiety of change stems from our maladaptive response, which is often rooted in past trauma. Just because something feels bad doesn’t mean it is. Mislabeling Positive Change as Negative When I moved to my new home and started studying again, I felt anxious, despite the excitement of new beginnings.  In the past, I would have taken that anxiety as a sign that something was wrong.  However, this time, I was able to separate my feelings from the actual change.  I reminded myself that these feelings were my body’s response to the unknown—not evidence that something bad was happening. (“No, we aren’t going to end up homeless on the street anytime soon”). By recognising that discomfort during change is normal, we can stop sabotaging ourselves or avoiding growth.  It’s important to remember that feeling anxious doesn’t mean the change is bad—it just means it’s new. How to Build Resilience to the Anxiety of Change Thankfully, we don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety every time life shifts.  Here are some strategies that have worked for me (to an extent). Hopefully, they’ll help you to strengthen your resilience to both positive and negative change: 1. Self-Compassion: Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgement Half the battle when anxiety surfaces is recognising and acknowledging it for what it is: a natural bodily response to the fear of the unknown. (Remember how our brains don’t enjoy the unfamiliar?) Don’t suppress it. Don’t judge yourself for feeling that way. (And don’t judge yourself for judging yourself, either!) Even if your reaction is extreme of disproportionate, your body has likely been conditioned for decades to react this way.  Be kind to yourself. Change is hard, and it’s okay to struggle with it. It will take time to learn a different way of managing change. 2. Understand the Roots of Your Anxiety Often, anxiety during change is linked to old wounds.  Explore where your feelings come from.  For me, change as a child meant that I needed to toughen up and harden my heart to take the blows that came with entering foreign, often hostile territory. (e.g. Moving to racist South Africa as a toddler, skipping

A Safe Space for Black Women | Chai & Sunshine

When starting Chai & Sunshine, I looked up many successful blogs for inspiration. Cup of Jo and The Blonde Abroad were of particular interest for the aesthetic and the engagement.  But I subconsciously imbibed something else from my blogging research.  That to be successful, I should keep things light.  To be successful, I should keep things white. My blog should be about design and style, with curated images and clever, non-threatening humour.  But as I work through my own unlearning – including internalised racism and misogyny – I realise that what I want to talk about and create is not just another “white woman blog”.  I do not want to be a minor character in my own creation.  What I want to create is a safe space for authenticity, starting with myself. I want to create a safe space for black women, which means a safe space for all women, which means a safe space for everyone. I want to create space for us to exist as our whole selves. And I want to do this intentionally. Not when it’s convenient. Not as a “nice to have”.  So, I’m going to be redoing the categories on this blog to better reflect me my actual values.  And it will be unapologetic. Say it unapologetically What I feel x My values = Say it unapologetically I came across this equation today and fell in love.  As part of the childhood trauma club, it’s been a long journey to figuring out how I actually feel about things. Historically, I have only concerned myself with how others feel and how I was supposed to feel in reaction to that to avoid conflict.  When I started on the journey of authenticity, it would take me a couple of weeks before I could identify what that twinge in my tummy meant. I’ve gotten that down to a few minutes now.  Not knowing what I truly felt about things meant that I also didn’t know what my values were. I certainly could not tell you whether I valued myself. But there were clear indications that I did not value myself very highly.  Understanding how I truly feel about things, and working through questions around my intrinsic value as a human being have helped me grow immensely in confidence.  A year ago, I would have not had the confidence to unapologetically say:  I am created a safe space for black women on my blog.  And I don’t care about being everything to everybody anymore.  Don’t try to be everything to everybody Are you a people-pleaser?  Well, name 3 people who are pleased with you.  As a veteran people-pleaser, I have a duty to inform the active-duty people-pleasers that it is a senseless quest you embark on. My blog so far has been trying to cater to the feelings of everyone. Mainly women.  But not saying anything about my experience as a black, African, woman, that may make anyone else feel excluded or uncomfortable.  But in censoring such integral parts of myself, I wasn’t being authentic.  And we aren’t about that anymore.  So, while everyone is and always will be welcome, I will also be specifically expressing my experiences as a black woman.  Final Thoughts My journey through to finally allowing myself to take up space is sweet and beautiful.  It’s like I can finally see myself – the core of personality beneath all the trauma responses I had adopted to survive.  Join me on this ride into realness, y’all. 

European Cuisine: A Food Tour of Epic Portions

“European cuisine,” a restaurant sign said.  European cuisine???  What European cuisine?  European cuisine is as diverse as its languages, landscapes, and histories. We can’t simply lump them into a homogenous continental taste. So, in this post, we’ll embark on a culinary journey through the continent, exploring the rich flavours that make European food so extraordinary. And if you behave, dear reader, I may even suggest some culinary food itineraries. This way, you can eat, pray, love your way through the deliciousness.  You’re welcome!  Disclaimer: Europe is a vast continent with countless regional variations. This post is just a starting point for your culinary exploration. So please, get curious. This post is also limited to where I have travelled to/ food I have explored. There’s obviously soooo much more. And I am also highly biased. Potato & Beer Europe Although every country in the world has it’s own quirks, it’s clear that there is a very obvious culinary divide on the European continent.  On social media, it’s been called the potato/ tomato divide. I’ve also heard it being called the beer/ wine divide. It also follows the weather (grim/ sunny), and a language divide (Germanic, Latin). IYKYK.  We’re going to first look at the potato/ beer/ grim weather/ Germanic European cuisine first.  Vegans, turn away NOW!  German Cuisine is (Not?) the Wurst A giant schnitzel with a meagre side salad When I visited Germany nearly 10 years ago, the food was NOT something I enjoyed. As a long-time vegetarian, I was a little annoyed that even the French fries came with ham bits and were fried in animal fat.  But I was pleasantly surprised on a work trip to Berlin a couple of years back where I found a wide variety of fun, delicious eating spots in the vibrant city. Unfortunately, as a vegetarian, none of these spots offered traditional German cuisine.  German food is still heavily meat-based. Schnitzel, the endless variations on the wurst sausages, pork and chicken dishes dominate the main meals. I cannot attest to their deliciousness, but it does look very hearty (if not a little heart-attack-y).  Beyond boiled vegetables, there are some German–vegetarian options, like the German-version of mac-and-cheese: käsespätzle. German baked goods are also delicious. They have many gorgeous dark breads, yummy cakes, and, of course, it’s the home of the pretzel (vegan!). For vegetarian versions of German cuisine, check out Forsters in Berlin. You’re welcome! British Pub Grub A Beef Wellington with a Degree from Oxford I detest “chip shops” and old-style pubs (including every Weatherspoons I’ve ever been to). They’re smelly, dusty and dark. Or worse, lit with operating-table fluorescent lights and reeking of cheap oil. The food at these places is also generally quite hit-and-miss. And more often than not, a greasy miss. Thankfully, a sub-group of British cuisine has evolved significantly from the traditional pub grub.  Introducing: the gastropub. These are pubs that serve high-quality food, and often offer a better ambiance, too.  Gastropubs create delicious, modern takes on British classics like the shepherd’s pie, fish & chips, and various pies.  And the wonderful thing about the UK is that they cater very well to a variety of diets. Gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, nut-free… you’ll find something delicious for everyone.  The one thing I don’t mess with in the UK?  Traditional British desserts.  Be it the scones, sticky toffee pudding, or the god-awful Christmas cake that Brits like to set on fire, it’s a “no” from me. I’ll eat everything else, though.  Except for the black pudding. (It’s made from congealed blood). Swiss Cheese & Chocolate The Swiss Win Potato European Cuisine with the Cheese Fondue Now, if I had to live anywhere in Potato Europe and settle for only having that specific European cuisine my whole life, I would choose Switzerland.  I would, however, be cheating.  Because Switzerland is Potato and Tomato Europe fused into one ball of deliciousness.  You have the Alpine lamb dishes, hearty stews, and cheese pies. (Yup, that gorgeous Swiss cheese with the holes). And you have the lovely dishes from their French side, including raclette and fondue.  And if that isn’t enough, there’s an Italian speaking area of Switzerland, too. So, hello Risotto and pasta!  And don’t forget dessert. Swiss chocolate. Swiss rolls. Swiss meringue. All the cakes and pastries… *salivates* Switzerland really has it all.  Belgium: Half Potato, Half Tomato Second only to Switzerland, I’d choose Belgium.  Half potato and beer, half tomato and wine, Belgium is a delicious blend of culinary traditions from all across European cuisine.   Think of Belgian fries to Belgian chocolates to Belgian waffles to Belgian beer… yes, it’s ALL delicious! (By the way, what we think of as “French fries” are actually Belgian. Just erroneously named by American soldiers during one of the world wars). So if you’re looking to sample different cuisines and cultures without leaving one country, go to Belgium. You’ll find French, Dutch, and Flemmish traditions, all with numerous tasty treats to offer a food tourist. Czech Beer & Dumplings Beer is Cheaper than Water in Czechia… I went to Prague, and honestly cannot remember anything I ate.  This might be because the beer was cheaper than water. Tasty, light, and so diverse! Czech beer is some of the best in the world.  But if you are looking for something to help you hold your alcohol down, you can check out their dumplings (knedlíky) and some of their stews.  People have told me that Czech food is comfort food.  And maybe it is.  I just don’t remember much of anything from my trip to Prague. Except for the beer and a very scary Russian man at the bar… Tomato & Wine Europe Tomato Europe, or southern European cuisine. Yessss.  The Mediterranean diet is as yummy as it is healthy (in moderation!). It’s also made for slow eating among friends and family. I’ve spent a good amount of time in France, Spain, and Italy. Our family is currently living in Portugal.  If you’re looking for fun, sun, and yum, Tomato Europe is your jam. Ze French: Oui, oui, mais ouias… Apéro: A French Pre-Drinks with Cheese,

Scheduled Downtime: Why It’s Good to do Nothing Once in a While

Scheduled downtime.  It’s a term associated to our technological companions. But somehow doesn’t come with the same kind of acceptance and understanding when referring to us.  More often than not, it doesn’t even cross our minds to book in some scheduled downtime for ourselves. And when it does, it often comes with guilt and hesitation.  So, what is it about rest that has us feeling so conflicted? Here’s my take on why it’s good to do nothing once in a while, and why we don’t do it. What is scheduled downtime? (And what’s not?) Our society is so far removed from what true, planned rest looks like, I thought it worthwhile to define it for us.  Scheduled downtime is not simply taking a holiday or some paid time off. It’s a statement of value to yourself and to others. You’re demonstrating with your actions that you value yourself and your health.  Here is my criteria for what qualifies (and what doesn’t!) as scheduled downtime: 1. Scheduled Downtime is Planned Ahead of Time Though it may seem obvious, scheduled downtime has to be scheduled. So, quality downtime can’t be spontaneous or opportunistic – like when you’ve got an unexpected lull at work or when you’re ill.  To make full use of scheduled downtime, it should be planned. Not only will it help you fully relax, but you’re also sending yourself an important message.  You’re telling your nervous system that you value yourself, your mind, and your body, and that you are deserving of rest. 2. Scheduled Downtime is Free from Responsibility It’s not scheduled downtime if you still have your usual responsibilities.  Kids. Chores. It should all be put on hold. Nobody and nothing should be relying on you during your downtime.  There should also be no threat of responsibility. So, don’t be sneakily pretending to “work from home” hoping no one finds out.  Formally take time off, get your automatic e-mails up, and make sure your kids (and/ or spouses) are not around to bother you. 3. Scheduled Downtime is NOT a Time to Keep Up with Anything Except the Kardashians One thing you might be tempted to do is use the scheduled downtime to get ahead on your ever-growing task list.   We’re so pressured keep up with our work, our chores, and even with replying to e-mails and WhatsApps, that we often feel obliged to use our downtime to do that. But scheduled downtime means that you give yourself a break from that all-consuming pressure. Release yourself from the need to keep up. 4. Scheduled Downtime should Free Up Mental Real Estate Not only should you not be doing anything to keep up with work or chores during your scheduled downtime, but you should also be giving your mind a rest. During scheduled downtime, you should try to minimise your mental stress and the number of taxing decisions you have to make.  This also means not forcing yourself to stick to your normal routines (bye-bye 5 am wake up!) or other optional commitments.  Your scheduled downtime is for fully recharging, not for enforcing discipline. Why it’s good to do nothing sometimes, but why it feels so bad I find something inherently depressing but very telling about the term Paid Time Off, or “PTO.”  It’s thinly veiled corporate speak for the harsh equation: work in exchange for permission to exist outside of work.  It implies our primary purpose is to toil away, with brief respites granted at the employer’s discretion. Work is, therefore, the centre of our lives. But should our worth be measured by our output? And should leisure time be reduced to a necessary evil to prevent burnout? If our corporate overlords could find a way to prevent worker burnout without the leave, I’m sure we’d see our precious PTO vanish. “Idle Hands are the Devil’s Playthings” This warped perspective on work and leisure has its roots in a puritanical work ethic that equates idleness with sin. Capitalism has since proliferated this worldview and conditioned us into believing that relaxation is a moral failing.  However, our drive for productivity ignores our evolutionary history. Hunter-gatherers worked far less than we do. But ever since the agrarian revolution, we’ve been steadily working longer and harder hours.  And now, the information age threatens to blur the lines between work and life even further. Because of technology, we’re now “on call” 24/7. This relentless pressure to be constantly productive creates a toxic cycle of guilt and exhaustion.  How often and for how long should you do nothing? The ideal duration and frequency of scheduled downtime is going to be different for different people.  But while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, I recommend aiming for regular periods of uninterrupted relaxation.  Some people like weekend getaways or more frequent half-day escapes. But my schedule is 3 full days of scheduled downtime every 3 months.  Even though I spend those 3 days in a (often dark) room with food and lots of TV to watch, they leave me more refreshed than a conventional holiday away.  The key is to listen to your body and mind.  Recognise when you’re likely to feel overwhelmed or burnt out to schedule in some downtime before you snap. Then make it a tradition! Scheduled downtime: Some ground rules to consider Now, I don’t have hard set rules for scheduled downtime. But I do have some guidelines.  I’ll share my personal rules with you in case you find them helpful: (1) Be Alone For me, it’s not really downtime if I’m with someone. And as lovely and easy as my husband is, there’s just something recharging about being alone.  Maybe it’s not having to check in with anyone. Maybe it’s about not having to speak for a couple of days.  Whatever it is, I definitely recommend doing your scheduled downtime alone.  (2) Be Unavailable Do not be nice and tell people that they can contact you if they need something.  Let them figure out what to do on their own!  Warn your work colleagues, your parents, your kids, your spouse not to contact you unless it’s an emergency. 

How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent (and Enjoy Your Kids)

I’m writing this “how to stop being a perfectionist parent” post specifically for my husband, knowing full well that he will likely never read it.  The topic came up yesterday.  “I feel like we’re failing,” he told me, out of the blue. “The house is always a mess, we never give them proper meals, and they watch too much TV.” “Wow,” I thought. “He sounds just like my inner voice from back when I was depressed.” But thanks to that horrendous PPD experience, I knew exactly what was going on with my otherwise carefree hubby.  So, I told him.  “You’re being too perfectionistic,” I said. “You’re holding yourself up to unrealistic standards and feeling terrible about a problem that isn’t really there.” He nodded. “I agree,” he said. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Because, unfortunately, diagnosing the problem and knowing how to fix it are two different things. So, this post is my way of deciphering how I was able to stop being a perfectionist parent and actually enjoy my kids.  Then, I’ll report back to my husband because he’s yet to read a full Chai and Sunshine article. And, in the meantime, I hope it helps you, too. 8 Signs of a Perfectionist Parent Before we dive into how to stop being a perfectionist parent, we need to understand the myriad ways perfectionism can manifest. Only once we understand the common signs of a perfectionist parent can we do something about it. And for anyone in denial or doubt, read these signs out to your spouse, co-parent, or kids. Ask if they recognise these behaviours in you. It might not be pleasant, but it’s the first step in lasting change. Here are 8 signs of a perfectionist parent.  Note: these tendencies can be either self-directed (not feeling like a good enough parent) or directed at the child (being hard on them so they can reach your high standards). You might find that it’s a little bit of both. You also don’t need to tick off all 8 signs to make some changes. 1. Unrealistic Expectations Setting unrealistic and often unattainable standards for yourself or your child. Not taking into account the present resources or abilities when setting these goals.  2. Constant Criticism Frequent or constant self-criticism for your perceived parenting shortcomings (or the “shortcomings” of your child). Focusing on your children’s mistakes rather than their accomplishments. 3. Comparing/ Competing with Others When you do set unattainable goals and standards, it’s often image-related or superficial. You may also compare your reality to what you see of other parents and their children. This may leave you feeling inadequate. 4. Fear of Failure/ Excessive Pressure You may have an outsized idea of what the consequences of anything less-than-perfect may result in. For example, “you will never find friends if you’re always looking so scruffy!” You may also have an unhealthy fixation on past mistakes. 5. Over Involvement/ Micromanagement Directing your kids’ or co-parent’s every action. Getting involved in their lives on a granular level. 6. Ignoring Emotional Needs Prioritising achievements and portraying a “perfect” image over the emotional needs of you or your child(ren). 7. Lack of Spontaneity No room for creativity or relaxation. Rigid rules and schedules for you and/or your family dominate your life. (E.g. nap times, dinner times, eating schedules or menus).  8. Living Through the Child Think “Dance Moms” or “Pageant Moms”. Projecting your unfulfilled dreams onto your child(ren).   Why It’s NOT Easy to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Breaking free from the grip of perfectionist parenting can be really challenging. (It sure was for me!) At its core, it’s deeply rooted in the desire to provide the best possible life for our children. But the fear of making mistakes or falling short can be paralysing. This often results in the very opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, reigniting the cycle of perfectionist control all over again.  But what makes perfectionism really hard to get rid of is that it’s often intertwined with our own self-worth. Because perfectionist parents often lack a strong internal compass, they are more susceptible to adopting external standards. This means striving for what society deems as excellent rather than listening to your own needs or those of your child. It may also mean getting caught in a cycle of comparison. We look at other parents and their seemingly perfect children, forgetting that everyone faces challenges behind closed doors. This often stems from various factors, including childhood trauma, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, insecure attachment styles, or underlying issues like undiagnosed OCD or other anxiety-related conditions. Breaking free requires awareness and a shift in perspective. It means learning to build authentic relationships with yourself and your children, rather than relating to yourself and them solely through achievements. How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Societal pressures to achieve, coupled with personal insecurities, often fuel the perfectionist mindset. Additionally, it’s difficult to let go of the illusion of control. As parents, we crave the ability to shape our children’s futures, and perfectionism can feel like a way to exert that control.  The first step to overcoming these perfectionist tendencies is therefore self-awareness. Keep a diary of your thoughts and behaviours, paying close attention to all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophising tendencies.  Like when my husband said that we were “failing” because “the house is always a mess” and “we never give them proper meals”. These cognitive distortions often magnify the consequences of imperfections.  Along with this self-awareness, I recommend practicing deep curiosity about the roots of your perfectionism. Does your perfectionist inner voice sound uncomfortably similar to that of a critical caregiver?  Or maybe by aiming for perfection you’re subconsciously seeking validation from an absent or emotionally distant caregiver. Understanding these underlying drivers is crucial for breaking free from the perfectionist cycle. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process. A trained therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies for managing perfectionistic tendencies.  By working through past experiences and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can gradually release the grip of perfectionism

In Defence of Gentle Parenting (and Why it’s Not Working for You)

Gentle parenting. It’s what my generation of parents – the millennials – have turned to as the gold standard. But for some reason, it’s controversial amoung childless boomers like talk show host Bill Maher, who spent 10 minutes calling for the return of “trad dads” and comparing parenting to blow jobs.  Yuck. But these insensitive boomer mofos are the exact reason why we’re all in therapy.  So, in defence of gentle parenting, here’s my take on why it might not be “working” for some of you. What is Gentle Parenting? Gentle parenting is focused on building a strong, loving connection with your child while setting clear, consistent boundaries. It’s about responding to your child’s emotions with empathy, patience, and respect. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards, gentle parenting emphasises positive discipline, co-operation, and problem-solving. Can you imagine: a child with strong inherent self-worth? It’s creating a safe space for your child to learn, grow, and develop into a confident, compassionate individual. And also about creating a safe enough space for your children to come to you in times of trouble. Essentially, gentle parenting is about treating your child with the same respect and understanding you’d hope to receive. What’s so controversial about that? Principles and Characteristics of Gentle Parenting (with Examples) Now, the only reason I imagine people not agreeing with gentle parenting is because they didn’t have gentle parents themselves. And their inner critic wants to make sure everyone else gets the same harsh treatment they received. Here are some principles and characteristics of what gentle parenting means on a practical level. 1. Your Child is their Own Person Perhaps the most important principle for me: realsing your child is their own person with their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  They are not merely an under-developed human waiting to be moulded by you into your ideal version of what a child is to be. Respecting this, and respecting their interests and feelings is paramount to raising healthy human beings. 2. Emotional Validation Understanding and validating your child’s feelings is so key. Instead of dismissing emotions like anger or frustration, gentle parenting means parents listen actively and offer comfort.  For example, if a child is upset, even if you don’t think it’s logical, a gentle parent might say, “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way.”  We also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big feelings.  3. Respectful Communication Treating your child with respect, even when they’re challenging, sets your kid up to trust you, have a strong sense of worth, and be respectful all at once. This involves using kind and respectful language, explaining reasons behind decisions, and inviting your child to share their perspective. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop it!” (or worse), a gentle parent might calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but we don’t throw toys around the house because they might break things. When things get broken, mommy and daddy feel sad.” Above: The twins, happy in the sand | Right: In bed with the twins for a morning snuggle 4. Clear, Consistent Boundaries While gentle parenting emphasises connection, it also recognises the importance of limits.  Age-appropriate boundaries are set with firmness and kindness, explaining expectations and consequences clearly.  For example, if a child is hitting, a gentle parent might say, “Hitting hurts. We use our words to express anger. We don’t hit.” Boundaries are some of the best things we can impart to our kids. Too few (permissive) can lead to a person with narcissistic personality disorder and traits. Too many and too harsh (authoritarian) is associated with many issues too. 5. Age-Appropriate Autonomy Empowering your child to make choices and solve problems builds confidence and resilience.  Gentle parenting encourages autonomy while providing support and guidance.  For example, when faced with a decision, a gentle parent might offer options and help weigh the pros and cons. Gentle parents aren’t helicopter parents. Nor do they prescribe or direct.  They build their children’s self-esteem by allowing them to experiment and figure things out. 6. Positive Reinforcements and (Mostly Natural) Consequences Gentle parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior and allowing natural consequences to teach valuable lessons.  Instead of relying on punishment, parents use praise, encouragement, and logical consequences.  For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, a natural consequence might be the inability to find a specific toy when they want to play with it. Of course, there are times when parents need to add consequences because the natural consequence may not be enough to deter the young one.  But if you’ve built enough trust, we’ve found that you simply have to explain why you do/ don’t do something and your children (even as young as 2) will believe you and refrain from the offending behaviour. Why Gentle Parenting isn’t “Working” for You People (parents and onlookers) are often frustrated that gentle parenting does not yield quick results. And it’s tempting to be less gentle when your little one is having a meltdown at the restaurant. But gentle parenting is NOT merely a quick fix or a set of techniques to manipulate children into behaving perfectly. It’s a philosophy rooted in respect, empathy, and building a strong parent-child bond. Seeing gentle parenting as a tool to control outcomes rather than a foundation for a healthy relationship is the opposite of gentle parenting. It is just another form of manipulation and control. If you’re pretending to gentle parent in order to get the child to do what you want, you’ve missed the core idea: that children are individuals with their own personalities and needs, not projects to be moulded. True transformation occurs over time as children develop a strong sense of self, security, and autonomy within a loving, consistent environment. (Hint: it’s the things a lot of us have to go to therapy in adulthood to try to mend). The “results” of gentle parenting are embedded in a child’s character, their ability to form healthy relationships,

Do you have to be mean to be successful? (Science answers)

Do you have to be mean to be successful?  Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.”  It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades.  And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it.  After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind.  But is this really the case?  Do you have to be mean to be successful? Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big?  Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction. Why Psychopathic People Seem to Thrive in Corporate Settings It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments.  In a study by psychologist Paul Babiak, around 4% of business leaders fit the definition of “psychopath”. That’s 4x what you find in the general population.  Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage.  And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders.  But there is a major caveat.  People with psychopathy are attracted to positions of power precisely because dominance is a key characteristic of psychopathy.  So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental.  In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying  and high turnover. The Dark Side of Office Politics Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far.  Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor. Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale.  And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance. This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”.  Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down.  And it’s hard to succeed all on your own. Do you have to be mean to be successful? The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth. While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean. Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.  So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression. But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice.  Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness Here’s where I think the confusion comes from.  Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world. But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice.  Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect.  You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness. Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear.  It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them).  If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think. So, the kind thing is not to be nice. Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused. Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground. It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth. Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control. Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success.  The Importance of Kind Assertiveness Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression. It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others. It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values. Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold).  Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves. And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self. It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype. And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way. This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity. Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFC0P71D18

Self-Hatred and Shame: Damaging Effects of Internalised Racism

What does it mean to be black in a country birthed from a hateful combination of racial segregation and violence?  How does one reconcile the pride of one’s heritage with the deep-seated wounds inflicted by a society openly built on racial hierarchy? And what does one do with the mountains of self-hatred and shame in one’s heart, when they are a constant, suffocating presence? Look away now, if you must.  This post will be deeply personal.    Understanding Internalised Racism When discussing racism in nations with a complex history of racial oppression, such as the US, the UK, South Africa, or Australia, the focus tends to be on societal-level issues.  Productive conversations often revolve around policy-based solutions, like, “What policies can address inequality in [specific area]?” or debates on affirmative action.  But, when these discussions become contentious, some of the same questions arise over and over again.  Questions about why individuals cannot simply “move on” from the past.  Internalised Racism: A Definition Internalised racism is a silent epidemic, a psychological virus that thrives in the shadows of systemic oppression.  As a black person born and raised in post-apartheid South Africa, I have borne witness to its insidious effects not only on myself but on countless others. But internalised racism just like externalised racism can mean different things to different people.  But broadly speaking, this is what I mean by internalised racism: Internalised racism is the unconscious acceptance of negative stereotypes about one’s own racial group.  It is a form of mental colonisation that can lead to a variety of negative thoughts, feelings, and (self-sabotaging) behaviours.  When we internalise racism, we begin to believe the negative messages society sends us about our race.  This can lead to feelings of inferiority, self-hatred, and shame.  How Self-Hatred and Shame Manifests, with Examples Low self-esteem: We may constantly compare ourselves to others from different racial backgrounds and feel like we will never measure up.  Examples: Often/ always finding a way to insert your credentials or experiences that make you sound “more white”. This could include education credentials, business success, or travel experiences. Being racist with white people against your own race or other people of colour. Self-doubt: We may question our abilities and accomplishments, believing that our success is due to luck rather than our own talent or hard work.  Examples: Believing that you are lazy, ill-disciplined, or other negative “black” labels when things go wrong. Trouble believing you’re capable of success (career, business, family, etc.) because of your race, or feeling hypervigilant in the face of setbacks or failure. Difficulty forming healthy relationships: We may struggle to trust others or feel like we don’t deserve love and acceptance.  Examples: Self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships. Deep jealousy or fear, particularly when men/ women of another race are concerned. Feeling the need to be overly doting/ subservient to a white partner.  Preference for whiteness: We may unconsciously favour white people and white culture over our own. Here’s a test to measure your implicit bias.  Examples: Only dating white people. Skin bleaching. Chemical hair straightening. Being racist with white people against your own race or other people of colour. My Results of the Implicit Bias Test “What are you?” – My experience of otherness in South Africa Growing up the wrong kind of black in post-apartheid South Africa was a complex and often painful experience.  As a foreign African, I felt a profound sense of alienation from both the white and black communities. Often, the latter was worse. (It’s important to acknowledge that the Black community often carries deep-seated trauma from the era of apartheid, which can manifest as aggression, internalised and outward racism.) Arriving in South Africa at the age of 3, I was plunged into a world hyper-conscious of race. (For context, Ethiopia, my country of origin, was never colonised. Race was not a big deal there). When we arrived, my initial experience at a predominantly white kindergarten was so traumatic that my mother considered returning to Ethiopia.  While I eventually found a more inclusive environment, the undercurrent of racism was pervasive throughout my 19 years living there.  A very common question I still face whenever I go is, “What are you?”  This constant categorisation reinforced my sense of otherness. Within the black community, I encountered another form of discrimination: tribalism.  The emphasis on ethnic affiliation often excluded those, like myself, who didn’t fit neatly into a particular group.  This, coupled with the pervasive colourism (“yellow bones” were the Mercedes Benz’ of the black community) contributed to feelings of inadequacy.  The legacy of apartheid continues to cast a long shadow over South Africa.  As a nation, it struggles to reconcile its past with its present. (Understandable, the country was only born in 1994). Even today, racial tensions remain palpable.  It was only upon leaving the country and finding refuge in a more racially harmonious society like Portugal that I realised the extent to which I had been impacted by South Africa’s racialised environment. Breaking free: How to heal the self-hatred and shame from internalised racism Overcoming internalized racism is a complex and ongoing journey. I’m still navigating this path myself, and I understand the challenges firsthand. But the first step is always the most important: acknowledging its presence within oneself.  This recognition can be deeply dysregulating, but it’s essential for progress.  And if that’s too hard, you can also try recognising the signs of internalised racism, self-hatred and shame in others, whether it’s in politicians, celebrities, or in everyday interactions. (You don’t necessarily have to confront anyone with your theories, but building that radar can help your case). By questioning the behaviours and attitudes of others, we can begin to question our own.  Other strategies for healing Building a Supportive Community: Surround yourself with people who uplift and validate your experiences. Connecting with others who share similar backgrounds can provide a sense of belonging and shared understanding. You’d be surprised how many of us suffer with this in silence. Engaging in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote well-being,