How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

Female Friendships in Your 30s: A Surprising Shift

There’s something about entering your 30s that shifts the landscape of female friendships. Relationships you once held close might start to feel misaligned. While the women you once thought were uninteresting now seem to be exactly who you need in your life. Despite only barely entering my 30s, I’ve experienced this transition firsthand. As I’ve worked through complex trauma and healed parts of myself, I’ve noticed the types of friendships I gravitate toward are changing. Where I once felt drawn to dynamics filled with competition and mind-games, I now find myself seeking women who offer a sense of emotional safety, health, and authenticity. This shift isn’t just limited to me. Many women in their 30s and 40s are experiencing the same thing. And it’s not just because women are saddled with childbearing responsibilities and can’t maintain friendships. But also because it’s a time of profound self-reflection, healing, and changing priorities. This, quite naturally, impacts our relationships. So, why do female friendships in your 30s feel so different? We’ll explore the reasons behind the transformation, and how embracing the change can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections. Shifting Priorities and Values in Your 30s A big part of this shift in female friendships in your 30s has to do with changing priorities and values.  In your 20s, friendships may have been formed around shared experiences or external validation. Maybe you were focused on socialising, professional ambition, or fitting into certain social circles. But as we move into our 30s, there’s a natural realignment. For many women, this decade marks the beginning of deeper introspection.  What used to matter—being in the “right” social crowd, keeping up appearances, or maintaining surface-level connections—starts to fade in importance. Instead, we look for friendships that offer emotional depth, vulnerability, and mutual growth. I’ve personally found that I’m no longer interested in friendships that revolve around competitive energy or shallow conversations.  Instead, I’m drawn to women with a certain effortlessness about them. The ones not trying to impress. Who are comfortable in their own skin, expressing their own views, and following their true desires. What’s so special about your 30s? This shift in values can happen as a result of many things. And of course, it may not occur for everyone.  For most, it’s a combination of events, relationships, and introspection.  By the time we’re in our 30s, we’ve probably: experienced a few failed romantic relationships and friendships, navigated work relationships and responsibilities, begun understanding what brings us meaning and joy in our work and private lives, had, started trying, or begun planning to have children. Alternatively, you might be struggling to have children or decided not to have children, expended a lot of energy navigating the patriarchy.   I suspect that many of you reading this are introspective by nature. So, these events and situations are likely to catalyse a lot of self-reflection about what it means to be in this world. And with reflection often comes a desire for increased authenticity. And that has a lot of implications for our friendships. Letting Go of Toxic Female Friendship in Your 30s As we grow, it becomes clear that certain friendship dynamics no longer serve us.  These could be friendships that once centered around competition (think: frenemies), poor communication, reckless behaviour (drinking, drugs, excessive partying), or other maladaptive aspects.  But while letting go of these relationships can be painful, it’s a crucial part of personal growth. In my 20s, I gravitated towards women who mirrored my unresolved trauma in ways I wasn’t yet conscious of. These included friends where competition was disguised as camaraderie, party-friends, or imbalanced, superior-inferior friendships. I now see very clearly how these relationships reflected my unhealed parts. It’s common for women in their 30s to start distancing themselves from friendships that thrive on gossip, comparison, or emotional games. While the process of ending these relationships can feel bittersweet, it’s often a necessary step toward creating space for healthier connections. The good news? Letting go of toxic dynamics opens the door to friendships that are rooted in genuine respect, kindness, and emotional maturity. Embracing Healthier, More Authentic Friendships The shift towards healthier friendships can feel like a breath of fresh air. But it can also feel strange or unfamiliar. For me, the women I once viewed as “boring” are now the ones I’m gravitating towards. This explains why and how we are only attracted to people on our level of emotional health. When we change our emotional health, we change our relationships, too. My new friends may not be the loudest, edgiest, or the most attention-seeking, but they bring something much more valuable to the table: emotional safety, wisdom, and authentic connection. These new friendships are built on a foundation of authenticity and genuine care and interest in each others’ lives. We offer support without judgment. And that is so healing in today’s day and age.  This is the beauty of evolving friendships in your 30s—women show up for each other in ways that promote collective healing and personal development. Mourning the Old, Finding the New Of course, it’s not always easy to navigate this shift in friendships. There’s often a mourning process involved as we let go of relationships that once felt significant but now feel misaligned. It’s important to acknowledge that grieving the loss of old friendships is normal. Friendships, like all relationships, carry emotional weight, and distancing yourself from someone you once cared for can feel difficult.  However, this mourning process is part of honouring your own needs – a significant part of embracing growth. By allowing space for sadness or discomfort, you also create space for new, healthier relationships to enter your life. But, where to find these new, like-minded women?  As our values change, it can feel daunting to seek out friendships that align with our new selves.  But with some intentionality, it’s absolutely possible!  Whether through shared interests, online communities, or spaces that promote introspection and healing, finding women who resonate with your new self is an important