Do you have to be mean to be successful? (Science answers)

Do you have to be mean to be successful?  Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.”  It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades.  And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it.  After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind.  But is this really the case?  Do you have to be mean to be successful? Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big?  Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction. Why Psychopathic People Seem to Thrive in Corporate Settings It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments.  In a study by psychologist Paul Babiak, around 4% of business leaders fit the definition of “psychopath”. That’s 4x what you find in the general population.  Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage.  And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders.  But there is a major caveat.  People with psychopathy are attracted to positions of power precisely because dominance is a key characteristic of psychopathy.  So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental.  In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying  and high turnover. The Dark Side of Office Politics Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far.  Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor. Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale.  And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance. This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”.  Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down.  And it’s hard to succeed all on your own. Do you have to be mean to be successful? The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth. While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean. Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.  So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression. But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice.  Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness Here’s where I think the confusion comes from.  Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world. But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice.  Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect.  You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness. Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear.  It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them).  If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think. So, the kind thing is not to be nice. Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused. Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground. It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth. Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control. Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success.  The Importance of Kind Assertiveness Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression. It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others. It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values. Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold).  Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves. And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self. It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype. And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way. This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity. Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFC0P71D18

22 Gen Z Sayings & Slang (with Meanings)

Okay, so I missed the Gen Z category by 4 years. But I might as well have missed it by 40 years, because culturally, I feel like I’m 10 lightyears away! With their 90s outfits and their way of speaking, I honestly feel like that old aunty, needlessly angry about things we don’t understand.  (I’m sure this is how our ancestors feel about the way us speak millennials, too!) So, in an effort not to go grey(er) before my time, I’m investing in understanding wtf these youngins are sayings and sharing my findings with you! I’m focusing on the tougher, more confusing Gen Z sayings and slang, so be prepared to scratch your head a little. 22 Gen Z sayings and slang to improve your understanding but deteriorate your English Wanna know what I think about Gen Z sayings and slang?  I think it may just be the death of the English language as we know it.  1. Cheugy Perhaps appropriately, we start with cheugy. Something that is outdated and un-trendy. Like me. A millennial making a blog post about Gen Z sayings. 2. Guap Big Sean tells me it means money. Lots and lots of money. 3. Brat/ Brat Summer Came across this when Kamala Harris got called “brat” by a singer. It means something along the lines of embracing authenticity and confidence in oneself. 4. Let them Cook To allow someone the opportunity to carry on with what they’re doing. 5. IYKYK Short for “if you know, you know.” Commonly used in reference to an inside joke or something only a specific community might understand. 6. Drag If you drag someone, you’re making fun of them. This can be equated to roasting someone. 7. Catch these Hands Threatening to start a fight. “You gon’ catch these hands!” 8. Slaps Something is excellent or amazing. 9. Periodt Extra emphasis at the end of a sentence. Pronounced fabulously exactly as it is spelled. 10. Finesse To trick or manipulate someone/ something in order to get what you want. 11. Simp Someone who does way too much for the person they have a crush on/ are dating. (From sympathetic, I think?). Basically, a very nice person who probably gets hurt. 12. Cap I get confused by this one a lot. Cap means to lie. So “no cap” it means you are being honest. 13. Finna No idea how this started, but this phrase also confuses me. Finna means “I’m going to” or “I intend to”. Yeesh. 14. Stan No, it’s not short for “Stanley” or standing by something. It’s actually a combination of “stalker” and “fan.” If you stan someone, it means you’re obsessed with something. (But not in a bad way?) 15. Snatched If someone is looking snatched, they look really good, particularly their hair or outfit. 16. W or L To most, they’re just letters in the alphabet, but to Gen Zers, W means “win” and L means “loss”. Example, “Take the W, bro.” 17. TFW Stands for “that feeling when.” Like “TFW you get off work early on a Friday”. If you thought it was something along the lines of “The F*ck —” you wouldn’t be alone. 18. Snack This unsuspecting word has been transformed from a little bite to eat to mean a sexy or attractive person. “He’s a snack!” 19. Camp Something that is ironically trendy. One might consider the young folks who are wearing horrible 90s clothes to be of the camp aesthetic. 20. Bop A really good song or album. I guess like how we used to say “That’s a jam!”, its now become “That’s a bop!”. I’m pretty sure this word is borrowed from the 50s. 21. Sending Me When you find something particularly funny. Like, “That Reel is still sending me.”  22. Sus Short for “suspicious,” sus it typically means something is not as expected, or shady. Keep Going in the Comments! I know I’ve missed out many slang terms and sayings and that’s probably because I’m too cheugy to even come across them! Drop your favourite slang in the comments. 

Self-Hatred and Shame: Damaging Effects of Internalised Racism

What does it mean to be black in a country birthed from a hateful combination of racial segregation and violence?  How does one reconcile the pride of one’s heritage with the deep-seated wounds inflicted by a society openly built on racial hierarchy? And what does one do with the mountains of self-hatred and shame in one’s heart, when they are a constant, suffocating presence? Look away now, if you must.  This post will be deeply personal.    Understanding Internalised Racism When discussing racism in nations with a complex history of racial oppression, such as the US, the UK, South Africa, or Australia, the focus tends to be on societal-level issues.  Productive conversations often revolve around policy-based solutions, like, “What policies can address inequality in [specific area]?” or debates on affirmative action.  But, when these discussions become contentious, some of the same questions arise over and over again.  Questions about why individuals cannot simply “move on” from the past.  Internalised Racism: A Definition Internalised racism is a silent epidemic, a psychological virus that thrives in the shadows of systemic oppression.  As a black person born and raised in post-apartheid South Africa, I have borne witness to its insidious effects not only on myself but on countless others. But internalised racism just like externalised racism can mean different things to different people.  But broadly speaking, this is what I mean by internalised racism: Internalised racism is the unconscious acceptance of negative stereotypes about one’s own racial group.  It is a form of mental colonisation that can lead to a variety of negative thoughts, feelings, and (self-sabotaging) behaviours.  When we internalise racism, we begin to believe the negative messages society sends us about our race.  This can lead to feelings of inferiority, self-hatred, and shame.  How Self-Hatred and Shame Manifests, with Examples Low self-esteem: We may constantly compare ourselves to others from different racial backgrounds and feel like we will never measure up.  Examples: Often/ always finding a way to insert your credentials or experiences that make you sound “more white”. This could include education credentials, business success, or travel experiences. Being racist with white people against your own race or other people of colour. Self-doubt: We may question our abilities and accomplishments, believing that our success is due to luck rather than our own talent or hard work.  Examples: Believing that you are lazy, ill-disciplined, or other negative “black” labels when things go wrong. Trouble believing you’re capable of success (career, business, family, etc.) because of your race, or feeling hypervigilant in the face of setbacks or failure. Difficulty forming healthy relationships: We may struggle to trust others or feel like we don’t deserve love and acceptance.  Examples: Self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships. Deep jealousy or fear, particularly when men/ women of another race are concerned. Feeling the need to be overly doting/ subservient to a white partner.  Preference for whiteness: We may unconsciously favour white people and white culture over our own. Here’s a test to measure your implicit bias.  Examples: Only dating white people. Skin bleaching. Chemical hair straightening. Being racist with white people against your own race or other people of colour. My Results of the Implicit Bias Test “What are you?” – My experience of otherness in South Africa Growing up the wrong kind of black in post-apartheid South Africa was a complex and often painful experience.  As a foreign African, I felt a profound sense of alienation from both the white and black communities. Often, the latter was worse. (It’s important to acknowledge that the Black community often carries deep-seated trauma from the era of apartheid, which can manifest as aggression, internalised and outward racism.) Arriving in South Africa at the age of 3, I was plunged into a world hyper-conscious of race. (For context, Ethiopia, my country of origin, was never colonised. Race was not a big deal there). When we arrived, my initial experience at a predominantly white kindergarten was so traumatic that my mother considered returning to Ethiopia.  While I eventually found a more inclusive environment, the undercurrent of racism was pervasive throughout my 19 years living there.  A very common question I still face whenever I go is, “What are you?”  This constant categorisation reinforced my sense of otherness. Within the black community, I encountered another form of discrimination: tribalism.  The emphasis on ethnic affiliation often excluded those, like myself, who didn’t fit neatly into a particular group.  This, coupled with the pervasive colourism (“yellow bones” were the Mercedes Benz’ of the black community) contributed to feelings of inadequacy.  The legacy of apartheid continues to cast a long shadow over South Africa.  As a nation, it struggles to reconcile its past with its present. (Understandable, the country was only born in 1994). Even today, racial tensions remain palpable.  It was only upon leaving the country and finding refuge in a more racially harmonious society like Portugal that I realised the extent to which I had been impacted by South Africa’s racialised environment. Breaking free: How to heal the self-hatred and shame from internalised racism Overcoming internalized racism is a complex and ongoing journey. I’m still navigating this path myself, and I understand the challenges firsthand. But the first step is always the most important: acknowledging its presence within oneself.  This recognition can be deeply dysregulating, but it’s essential for progress.  And if that’s too hard, you can also try recognising the signs of internalised racism, self-hatred and shame in others, whether it’s in politicians, celebrities, or in everyday interactions. (You don’t necessarily have to confront anyone with your theories, but building that radar can help your case). By questioning the behaviours and attitudes of others, we can begin to question our own.  Other strategies for healing Building a Supportive Community: Surround yourself with people who uplift and validate your experiences. Connecting with others who share similar backgrounds can provide a sense of belonging and shared understanding. You’d be surprised how many of us suffer with this in silence. Engaging in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote well-being,

Why Birthdays are Important at Every Age

For years, I was a birthday forgetter.    Those annual eruptions of cake and bad decorations, struck me as an unnecessary frivolity. A social performance best left unobserved.  My husband (pictured above), bless his patient soul, would get that hopeful look in his eyes a week before his big day. Only to be disappointed when the day came. Worse, I’d make him feel bad for “making a fuss about it”. “You’re not five, Dave!” Urgh, how horrible I was! So, if you’re as cynical about birthdays as I was, this is a short post on why birthdays are important at every age! Why birthdays are important at every age (but especially in childhood) I had a few good birthdays growing up.  Don’t get me wrong. My birthdays were not a joyous blur of frosting and streamers.  I remember having a good birthday at the tender age of 3. And then again at 8. My mom, in a rare burst of effort, created an epic treasure hunt that led me through to some cool presents.  (I have a hunch it was out of guilt for believing she neglected me after the birth of my brother earlier that year). That day stands out in stark contrast to the forgotten birthdays that never came.  This lack of birthday cheer left its mark (even though I did a good job of hiding it).  I convinced myself, and tried to convince others, that birthdays didn’t matter.   But, of course, it was a defense mechanism, a way to shield myself from the imminent disappointment.   The truth was, birthdays mattered. Maybe they wouldn’t have mattered if we’d stayed in Ethiopia, where my parents are from, and where birthdays are not as big a deal.  But being surrounded in a culture that appreciated people on their birthdays and feeling like the only one who wasn’t seen or celebrated on “my special day” was particularly painful. How I changed my mind on birthdays TLDR: therapy. Here’s the long story: It took a while, but eventually, something shifted.   Maybe it was watching the genuine joy on my husband’s face when his family surprised him with a gifts and a goofy card on his birthday, every year.  But I think there was a big shift for me after therapy.  Therapy helped me realise that I am allowed to feel whatever it is that I am feeling in the moment. Even if it was something “embarrassing” like “Yes, I want to make a big deal out of my 31st birthday”. Because for all their perceived cheesiness, birthdays are powerful little things.  They’re our little societal tradition of love and celebration. Final Thoughts So, here I am, the reformed birthday Grinch.  And here’s my takeaway messages. Birthdays may not cure world hunger, but they do something important: they remind us that we’re seen, we’re loved, and we deserve to feel a little bit special, every now and then. Sure, it can feel a little commercial or materialistic at times, but they don’t have to be. So, if you find yourself rolling your eyes at birthdays, wondering what the big deal is, I invite you to look into yourself.  Because, maybe like me, you’ve had to convince yourself that birthdays aren’t important, because you weren’t appreciated or made to feel seen.  And sometimes, it’s easier to pretend that something doesn’t matter, than to admit that it really f*kn hurts. 

Why is it so Hard for Millennials to Buy a House?

Why is it so hard for millennials to buy a house? I remember believing that “by 25, I’ll have my own home, and by 40, I’ll be a millionaire”. I’m 30 now, and both those dreams feel frustratingly distant. But I know I’m not alone, which makes things both comforting and scary. Will millennials ever be able to buy a house? It’s hard to know.   Millennials, the generation born roughly between 1981 and 1996, are facing a unique set of challenges when it comes to buying a house.  Unlike our parents’ generation, who entered a housing market where you could buy a 3-bedroom house with garden for two lemons and a handful of grapes, our reality is a bit different.  Soaring house prices, stagnant wages, and the burden of student loans are just a few of the hurdles standing in the way of the first rung in the property ladder. So, this isn’t just a personal struggle; it’s a societal one.  Homeownership has traditionally been a cornerstone of young ambitions, offering stability and a path to wealth accumulation.  Understanding the factors at play, both economic and psychological, is crucial to finding solutions for our generation and ensuring a future where homeownership remains a viable option for young adults. Let’s make millennials wealthy. Our Boomer Parents had it Easy The period after World War II was a huge boom (for white people***).  Governments across Europe and the West prioritised rebuilding infrastructure and housing. Policies and a growing middle class with stable jobs created a surge in demand for new homes.  This, coupled with readily available credit at low-interest rates, fuelled a housing boom unlike anything seen before. All this to say that it’s not fair to yourself to compare where you are in your 20s and 30s to where your parents were. (And not fair for them to do it either!) They might have been a homeowner, an operational manager, and parents to 3 kids by the age of 24 with nothing but a high school diploma. But that is simply not the reality we live in anymore. ***It’s important to acknowledge, however, that this dream wasn’t equally accessible to all. Discriminatory practices where lenders denied mortgages to residents of certain neighborhoods based on race or ethnicity, prevented many minority communities from participating in this period of widespread homeownership. If your parents are people of colour who have struggled to build and pass on wealth, there were real systems in place that were in their way. Why is it so hard for millennials to buy a house? The 2008 recession offers a clue Oh man. I think most of us remember the chaos of the financial markets in 2008.  People losing their savings, businesses closing down, and, of course, a lot of foreclosures.  The global financial crisis of 2008 had a profound impact on the housing market worldwide.  Foreclosures became commonplace, and the value of homes plummeted. This would have been “good” for people who had money. But I was in 10th grade and most millennials were yet to finish their college degrees. By the time we had deposits and jobs to go and ask for a mortgage, lending practices had changed dramatically.  Banks were demanding a whole lot of proof to give you a tiny bit of money. We’re still having to provide our ancestors’ birth certificates and the blood of a newborn goat just to be seen by a broker! The risk aversion that followed the crisis continues to shape the housing market today. Current Reality is Very Different to the ‘Good Ol’ Days’ Left: Ratio of house prices to income (US). Above: Ratio of house prices to income (UK). Note: a “good” ratio is around 4. Why is it so hard for millennials to buy a house? Well, part of the reason is because the world has just become a lot harder. Like, a lot! There is a fundamental imbalance: skyrocketing housing prices far outpace wage growth (see pictures above).  This means us millennials are needing to save a significantly larger portion of our income for a down payment, leaving less for other necessities and delaying our entry into the housing market.   Compounding the issue is the burden of student loan debt, which not only impacts our ability to save for a down payment but can also affect our creditworthiness, making it harder to qualify for a loan in the first place.   On top of that, many of us are freelancers and contract workers. This rise of the gig economy further complicates the financial picture for millennials.  Unlike traditional jobs with stable salaries and benefits, gig work often comes with variable income and limited job security. This can make it difficult to secure a mortgage, as lenders often look for consistent income streams.  The lack of employer-provided benefits, like health insurance, adds another layer of financial stress when navigating the housing market. But also, Millennials are just Build Different Being parented by heavy-handed boomers caused a lot of us to rethink the traditional life plan our parents espoused. (And maybe also rebel, just a little). Secure a good job, get married, have children, buy a house. Meh. We’ve seen how that doesn’t lead to happiness.  Many of us are defying these traditional timelines.  Marriage and childbearing are being delayed, with millennials opting to focus on education, careers, and travel experiences before settling down. This shift in priorities have rearranged our homeownership goals. A shift in values Unlike our parents’ generation, whose focus may have been on accumulating material possessions, us millennials prioritise travel, personal growth, and building meaningful connections.  Social media platforms can fuel this desire, (hello, homesteading Instagram) showcasing curated glimpses of fancy destinations and adventurous lifestyles.  This shift in values can impact our approach to homeownership. My husband and I invested in a caravan before realising we wanted to go the traditional route after all. (It’s now proving might difficult to sell said caravan and get a house).   There’s also the concept of “renting as the new owning” that has

What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? (Kids & Adults)

If you’re here after searching “What are the signs of histamine intolerance?” then I’m guessing you or someone you know aren’t doing too well. As someone who only discovered her lifelong histamine intolerance at the ripe old age of 30, I know that living with undiagnosed histamine intolerance can be challenging. For years, I struggled with unexplained symptoms like headaches, as well as nausea and vomiting after eating certain foods.  I’ve also had respiratory issues, and eventually even premenstrual dysphoric disorder (or PMDD) that took me by surprise.  But everything finally clicked once I realised that I had histamine intolerance.  So, if you’re on a similar journey, this post is for you! This post answers the preliminary questions around histamine intolerance in both kids and adults.  I sincerely hope it provides clarity. What is Histamine Intolerance? Histamine (or antihistamines) might feel familiar if you’ve ever dealt with seasonal sniffles and itchy eyes, like seasonal hay fever.  But although its got a bad reputation, histamine isn’t all bad.  In fact, it’s a busy, quite important molecule in your body that acts as a messenger in the immune system, aids digestion, and even influences sleep and focus.  But histamine can also be a troublemaker.  When your body releases too much in response to certain foods or allergens, it triggers those familiar allergy symptoms like runny nose, itching, and sneezing.  Normally, an enzyme called diamine oxidase (DAO) keeps histamine in check.  However, with histamine intolerance, DAO activity is low, leading to a buildup of histamine and those unpleasant allergy-like reactions, depending on which histamine receptors are involved.  H1 receptors, for instance, might cause headaches, rashes, and runny noses – similar to hay fever. And easily controlled with over-the-counter antihistamines. H2 receptors, on the other hand, can lead to digestive issues like cramping and diarrhea.  In severe cases, excess histamine can even mimic symptoms of anaphylactic shock, like flushing, nausea, and dizziness.  Though thankfully without the life-threatening element.   What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? Histamine intolerance is really hard to diagnose because each of the symptoms is often treated separately.  You could easily end up taking 4 – 5 different medications for what, ultimately, boils down to the same, elusive thing. I’ll give you 8 groupings of symptoms to look out for: Skin: Hot flushes, hives, rashes, eczema, itchiness, swelling (eyes and face). Sinuses: Runny nose, itchy, red or painful eyes Neurological: Headaches & migraines, insomnia, anxiety & depression, fatigue Cardiovascular: Heart palpitations, arrhythmia, low blood pressure (dizziness), blood clots Digestive: Nausea & vomiting, diarrhoea, loose stool, stomach pain, heartburn, food sensitivities (e.g. gluten or fruits), bloating, Crohn’s/ colitis Respiratory: Difficulty breathing, asthma, throat clearing, sore throat Reproductive: Painful cramps, irregular periods, endometriosis, PMDD, estrogen dominance Musculoskeletal: Muscle pain & twitching, joint pain, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia Risk Factors for Developing Histamine Intolerance Histamine intolerance is supposedly rare, officially affecting about 1–3% of the global population.  However, seeing as it is extremely hard to diagnose, a person or their doctor may not recognise it and may mistake it for a food allergy or gastrointestinal disorder. There are several factors that can increase your risk of developing histamine intolerance: Genetic predisposition: Some people (like yours truly) inherit a variation in their genes that affects the production of DAO. This leads to a higher risk of histamine intolerance. Gut health issues: Conditions like leaky gut and small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO) can disrupt the gut microbiome, which may play a role in DAO production and histamine processing. Our modern diet, with all the ultraprocessed foods and sugar, is not helping. Certain medications: Some medications, such as antidepressants, heartburn medications, and pain relievers, can interfere with DAO function or block histamine breakdown. Vitamin deficiencies: Deficiencies in vitamins B6 and vitamin C can impair DAO activity, making you more susceptible to histamine intolerance. Age: DAO activity naturally decreases with age, which could explain why some people develop histamine intolerance later in life. Over 80% of people with histamine intolerance are middle aged.  High-histamine diet: Regularly consuming large amounts of foods naturally high in histamine (see below) or that trigger histamine release can contribute to symptoms, especially if your DAO activity is already compromised. Living with Histamine Intolerance Let me tell you, living with histamine intolerance is no fun!  Honestly, give me a simple gluten intolerance any day of the week. Because no one has even heard of histamine intolerance. Which means restaurants and items at the grocery store often contain a lot of it.  Navigating what sets you off, personally, is also a painful game of trial and error.  One minute, you’re enjoying a sharing plate of hummus and baba ganoush with friends, the next, your head feels like a drum solo and you can’t leave bed for two days. #TrueStory  It’s frustrating. And skipping dessert while everyone else digs in can feel isolating. But I would not go back to the days where I didn’t know what was wrong. The days when I felt lethargic and nauseous and had days-long headaches that nothing could cure. So the good news is that once you understand your triggers, you can adjust your lifestyle and finally ditch the drama. It takes work, but hey, feeling good is what we’re all trying to achieve through different means, anyway. What are the signs of histamine intolerance in children? I’ll give you my experience first. Every year, around December, my family and I would take a trip to where we originally come from: Ethiopia. And every year, that meant one thing for me: vomiting. Lots of it.  My mom, thinking it was a question of a lack of hygiene during meal prep would have stricter and stricter standards for what I could and couldn’t eat.  But nothing worked.  Whether I ate injera (highly fermented flatbread), kale, or shiro (a stew made with chickpea powder), it all came out.  And if I ate pasta with tomato sauce, I would be up all night with heartburn.  Add to that the asthma and coughing –

10 Best Places to Travel as a Black Woman (2024)

*A post for black women* Girl, we all know the world isn’t always built for us.  As Black women, merely existing can feel like an obstacle course, let alone venturing out to explore a new place.  And with travel, there’s a whole extra layer of questions: is it safe? Will I be welcome? Will people want to touch my hair? On top of that, the usual worries about being a woman on the road come into play.  But guess what?  We deserve to experience the world too!  That’s why I’ve compiled a personal list of my 10 best places to travel as a black woman.  Whether you’re looking for tropical, cultural, or big city living, I’ve got you! So pack your bags, ladies – it’s time to see the world! Travel Destination Criteria I thought I’d start out with the set of rules I’ve used for picking the places I’ve chosen. So, here’s my criteria for what makes somewhere one of the best places to travel as a black woman:  1. Safety Duh! Safety is priority number one, of course.  We all deserve to feel secure while exploring new places.  So, you won’t find any war zones or places they do terrorism or kidnapping on this list. No places with excessive crime, either.  We face enough dangers because of our appearance, and we don’t usually have the best odds in hospital situations. So, on this list, we’ll stick to the safest places that even mom won’t worry about.  2. Racism (or Lack Thereof) This is a big travel criteria as a black woman.  Because who wants to fend of racism while on holiday, right?! And while every individual’s experience in these places might be different, I’ve gone with looking at the general racism I felt in these places. Because, while we can’t avoid it completely, some destinations are more welcoming than others.  3. I’ve Been There Personally So, while I am well-travelled, this criteria narrows down the list significantly.  But hear me out.  Anyone can do a hypothetical “best places to travel as a black woman” list. But I think there’s still something to be said for actually having lived experience in those places.  4. Cultural Awareness What is cultural awareness? And why is this different to racism? Sit down, I’m glad you asked.  A place with cultural awareness of black people is one where people are accustomed to seeing and catering to Black travellers.  One where they don’t gawk or try to touch your skin or hair.  Or ask weird questions like “Do you know Oprah? Beyonce? Or Rihanna?” – true story. (Unfortunately, no. We don’t run in the same circles.) So, while a place might not be considered “racist”, there may be a lot of unintentional cultural insensitivity that may be annoying to navigate on holiday. 5. Fun! Of course, no list is complete without considering the fun factor!  These destinations offer not just safety and respect, but also beauty, adventure (but not the warzone kind), and amazing experiences. Buckle up! Here are the best places to travel as a black woman (in no particular order):   1. Reunion Island, France Okay, the “France” part is slightly misleading.  Because this gorgeous island is actually located off the east coast of Africa, in the vicinity of Mauritius and Madagascar.  How it still belongs to France is a history lesson I won’t be giving.  But how amazing it is, I can tell you. (I lived there for about 7 months). From the natural offerings (tropical forests, oceans, volcanoes), to lovely restaurants, stunning beaches, and fun events throughout the year, Reunion is as close to paradise as it gets.  Also, its as modern as any big city with all the amenities you can ask for.  The population is super mixed so you’ll be able to find whatever you need (hair care, foundation shades, braids).  So, take your Duolingo French with you to Reunion Island and thank me later. 2. Lisbon, Portugal Full transparency: we live near Lisbon now.  But there’s a reason why we live here. Many, in fact. (I wrote a whole post about it). Lisbon has that European-city charm, great weather, fun, forever-partying people, and it’s also super accepting to people of all colours.  Because while my mixed-race family has had trouble integrating in Africa, we’ve had no issue here.  They also operate on “Mediterranean time”, which means you wake up at 10am, have a nap at 3pm, before partying the night away. It’s a veritable festa.   Lisbon has it all. If you’re looking for something more cultural, you can definitely check out the palaces in Sintra (30 mins north).  Or perhaps lounging around on a beach is more your style? Visit Costa da Caparica (30 mins south, pictured above).   3. Havanna, Cuba My heart is in Havanna, ooh na na… Cuba is multicultural. You can go there on any budget. (I went on the Broke Ass Student Plan). And, of course, the nightlife is amazing.  But it’s also super safe, very multicultural, and absolutely stunning! (Who knew communism could look so good?). On top of that, the rum was cheaper than water in some places, and Cuban cigars are pretty cheap.  So, you can fully indulge your vices under the guise of “cultural integration”.  4. Reykjavik, Iceland My friend, go to Iceland in the winter. I cannot promise you multicultural. (These statues were the closest I got to finding another brown person). I cannot even promise you sunshine and good weather.  But the cosiest Christmas atmosphere in the most ethereal place, you will find. Lovely bars, restaurants, and most importantly, people, too.  And the sun rises at 10am and sets at 4pm in December. So you can wake up late after partying for 12 hours.  (Check out their blue lagoon hot springs if you’re into something more chill.) 5. London, England Aaahh London.  My first time visiting was during a week of excellent weather in July.  The sun was shining. People were singing (for money) in the streets.  Those

Changing Careers Late in Life: Why & How, with Examples

Changing careers when you’re young can be scary. But changing careers late in life? Well, that can be downright terrifying! I should know, I’ve done both!  First, I abandoned the world of engineering (and all it’s stability and security) for the world of international development.  Then, again more recently (and a lot older), I’ve jumped ship to pursue writing through blogging and writing fiction.  So, I’m a seasoned veteran of the paralysing doubts.  The: “What will people think?”  And “Can I really afford this?”  Let’s be honest, the whole idea of starting over, climbing a new ladder after diligently scaling the first one, can be enough to make anyone break into a cold sweat.  But here’s the thing: I did it, many famous people did it, so you can too!  In this blog post, you’ll hear about why you’re not too old to change careers and how to do it thoughtfully.  I’ll also share not just my story, but also the stories of inspiring individuals who made major career moves later in life, proving that chasing your dreams is possible at any stage of the game Why Changing Careers Late in Life Makes Sense Have you ever stopped to think about how young we are when expected to pick a career path?  At 17 or 18, with limited life experience, how much can we truly know about ourselves and what makes us tick?  Back then, our career choices might have been influenced by external factors like parental pressure, societal expectations, or simply a limited understanding of the working world. (All of the above for me). Fast forward a decade or two, and you’re a completely different person! You’ve gained valuable life experiences, discovered new passions, and maybe even started a family.  Priorities shift.  Maybe money wasn’t a huge motivator back then, but now it’s a top concern.  Perhaps the work-life balance you once craved isn’t as important as the chance to make a real impact.  The point is, our needs and desires evolve, and our careers should too. Bottom line:  A late-career change isn’t a sign of failure, it’s a sign of growth and self-awareness.  It means you’re not afraid to adjust your sails and chart a new course towards a more fulfilling future.  Besides, with lifespans increasing, we have the exciting opportunity to explore different career adventures.  Plus, with more years of experience and potentially better health, making a switch can feel less scary and more empowering.  We only have one life to live, so why not chase the work that sparks joy and ignites your passion? How to Do a Late-Stage Career Change (Properly) Making a career change later in life can be incredibly rewarding, but it’s important to approach it strategically.  Here are five key steps to guide you through a smooth transition: 1. Know Yourself: Define Your Priorities Before diving into a new field, figure out what it is you really want.  And I’m not only talking about “your passion” if you even know what that is. I’m talking about your ideal working hours and holidays. The flexibility. The pay. The kind of work environment you thrive in (nah-uh to fluorescent lighting!). I’m talking about how you like to work, what management style (if any) agrees with you, and the amount of socialising you can handle (to client-face or not?). Is it the impact you create, the work-life balance, or the intellectual challenge that drives you? Consider using a career coach, therapist, or even journaling and meditation practices.  Identify what truly matters to you.  There are no wrong answers.  So, don’t try to be politically correct. Here’s a good book to help you out: What Colour is Your Parachute? A Guide to a Lifetime of Meaningful Work and Career Success by Richard Bolles 2. Research & Network: Insider Information is Key Don’t rely solely on online descriptions or what you see in the movies! Research your desired field thoroughly. Network with professionals in your target industry. (Buy them a coffee and let them rant honestly about their work). Or conduct more formal informational interviews to get a realistic picture of the day-to-day work and the people you’d be working with.  Watch or read up on “a day in the life of…” content from whatever you want to do. This research step, unfortunately, was one I missed when I went into international development.  I thought I knew what I was signing up for, but the reality was completely different.  It goes to show the importance of talking to real people in the field. (And more than one!)  Ask yourself:  Are these the kind of colleagues I see myself connecting with?  Are their tasks the kinds of tasks I see myself doing?  Are their work problems the kind I’m willing to have?  Do not skimp on this step. It’s even more important when you’re changing careers late in life. Your heart will tell you the truth when you talk to people doing what you think you’d like to do. And your experience will guide you. 3. Leverage LinkedIn & Build Your Skills “LinkedIn? LinkedIn??” I hear you shout at me in disbelief. Yes, LinkedIn! LinkedIn is actually one of my favourite social media tools because its gotten me my last 2 jobs (without trying). It’s also full of lively discussion on interesting topics like workplace behaviour or whatever has been in the news that week. It is also a powerful tool for networking and establishing yourself as a thought leader. (If you use it right!)  Actively participate in industry groups, share valuable content by posting regularly, and connect with professionals in your desired field.  Use this platform to also research necessary qualifications, certifications, or specific skill sets needed to make a successful transition.  By looking at the job descriptions for the positions you’re looking into, or following the people who have your dream job, you’ll know what it takes to transition into your ideal career. 4. Chart Your Course: Be Strategic Carefully consider your current financial situation and

3 Best Self-Concept Books To Change How You See Yourself

My friends often credit me with ruining their lives through the psychology books I recommend them.  *takes a bow* But jokes aside, psychology books can be risky business.  You see, these are different to your typical self-help, “10 Steps to Happiness” fluff pieces.  These are the kind of books that shatter your whole way of thinking, leaving you questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. This can be painful at first, as you grapple with the loss of who you knew. But, it also, more importantly, leaves a lot of space for a new sense of self. Intrigued? Terrified? Maybe a little bit of both?  Well, my dear internet friends, strap in, because here are my top 3 best self-concept books that will absolutely transform how you see yourself: Self-Help vs. Psychology Now, before we dive in, it’s important to distinguish psychology books from your typical self-help book. Unlike self-help, which often offers quick fixes and one-size-fits-all techniques, psychology books delve deeper. They’re grounded in research, practice, and studies, giving you a solid understanding of the human mind. Instead of simply telling you what to do (like counting to 5 or doing a visualisation/ breathing technique), psychology books probe. They ask questions that challenge your assumptions and push you to explore the “why” behind your thoughts and behaviours. This approach might not offer instant gratification or boost in morale (often the opposite!). But it aims for a more lasting transformation, one built on self-discovery rather than a temporary motivational high. And to be clear, I’m not hating on self-help books (though I consume them very sparingly). I have seen how they can easily become a paralysing coping mechanism, where you read self-help books to procrastinate actually changing your life.   Psychology books, on the other hand, are the opposite of a coping mechanism, in that they slap you in the face with the truth.  For that reason, I find them infinitely more useful than the “10 ways how to not give a f***”-style books currently flooding the market. So, without further ado, here are my top 3 best self-concept books that will absolutely change your life. The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller Are you a high achiever who constantly strives for that elusive gold star? Do you have a nagging sense that love and validation hinge on your accomplishments? If so, Alice Miller’s “The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self” might just be the book to ruin your life (as you know it). This book explores the hidden cost of achievement-based praise in childhood. Miller, a celebrated psychiatrist, argues that children praised for achievements rather than their authentic selves often develop a ‘false self’.This is a people-pleasing persona that masks their true needs and emotions. This constant striving for external validation leaves them feeling empty and disconnected from their inner selves. “The Drama of the Gifted Child” helped me understand why I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a fraud despite my successes. It showed me that true self-worth comes from accepting and expressing my full range of emotions, not just the ones that win approval. (This blog is a testament to that growth!) But before you hesitate, “The Drama of the Gifted Child” isn’t about diminishing ambition. It’s about building it on a foundation of self-acceptance.  A shift that has the power to transform your entire relationship with yourself and your achievements. My friends who read this 100% confirm that this has life-ruining capacity. Read it at your own risk. Homecoming – John Bradshaw John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child” plunges headfirst into the murky depths that is the unconscious.  And yes, that is as scary as it sounds. If “The Drama of the Gifted Child” helps you understand why you chase achievements, “Homecoming” bulldozes the wall between what you think you know about yourself and the truth.  It goes into the back-end of all your behaviours and thoughts. And even, perhaps most importantly, it shines a light into the abandoned home of buried emotions you’re normally too scared to even acknowledge.  “Homecoming” works with the concept of the wounded “inner child” – that part of you shaped by early experiences, both good and bad.  Be prepared, though, because this exploration is not for the faint of heart. (I suggest only reading this book when you’re stable enough to induce psychological upheaval in your life).  Because “Homecoming” wasn’t a quick read for me.  It took months, filled with mini (and maxi)-breakdowns and major self-discoveries.  It was truly the most “life-ruining” book I’ve encountered yet, dismantling my self-image and forcing me to confront hidden aspects of myself.  But like any good apocalypse, the destruction leads to a powerful sense of rebirth.  Now, I feel stronger and more whole than ever, and maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll be brave enough to revisit this transformative book.  Maybe. The Highly Sensitive Person – Elaine Aron Do you struggle in loud spaces and need time to “recharge” between social engagements?  Do you sometimes find yourself preferring to sit alone, in a dark room, away from everyone and everything? Are you more sensitive to pain (emotional or physical), textures, sounds, or people’s feelings? Well, consider “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You” by Elaine Aron your validation anthem.  This book flips the script on societal norms, and reframes those “contrary” preferences, deep emotions, and heightened awareness that often leave you feeling like an outsider.  Aron uses the term HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) to describe a neurodivergent trait thought to be prevalent in 15-20% of the population. (Scientifically, it is now called Sensory Processing Sensitivity). So, chances are, if you’ve ever felt like you process the world a little more intensely, you might belong to our vibrant crew.  “The Highly Sensitive Person” offers a comforting narrative, explaining that your sensitivity isn’t a weakness.  Rather, it’s a powerful trait that allows you to experience life with profound richness and depth.  It’s a game-changer for HSPs and their loved ones, leading to improved understanding and self-acceptance. Sure, this book recommendation

TV Shows to Watch Right Now: 3 “Action”-Packed Series (2024)

Fellow couch potatoes… uh, I mean, TV enthusiasts, listen up!  If you’re like me, you’ve been through a particularly dry televionary season of late.  But now, many series are back with a new season, so we can return to our couch-potato habits. So, grab your popcorn because we’re diving into honest reviews of 3 action-packed (or supposed to be) TV shows! House of the Dragon, S3 (HBO) Me with all my risk factors, oblivious to what’s to come 4.2 Stars! Season 2 was a whirlwind of battles, betrayals, and fiery Targaryen drama. Let me tell you, the anticipation for Season 3 was high (at least for this viewer!). While I admit I only started House of the Dragon halfway through Season 1 after my husband’s obsession reeled me in, I am undeniably a huge fan, now. Because House of the Dragon undeniably knows how to yank at your emotions. A lot of it sadness, anger, and pure stress. But Season 3, unfortunately, feels like a bit of a slow burn compared to Season 2. I mean, the wait for the previous guy to die and our rightful queen to rise was already agonising last season. Can we get to the good stuff, now? I’m 4 episodes in and still somewhat waiting for things to crescendo. Anyway, here’s hoping the remaining episodes pick up the pace – I’m currently rationing myself to one a week to savour the series and avoid emotional overload (or perhaps underload in this case!).  Vikings: Valhalla, S3 (Netflix) 2.5 Stars! Vikings: Valhalla Season 3… well, let’s just say the wait wasn’t worth the mead.  After literally a year (!) of anticipation, this season landed with a dull thud.  The action scenes feel recycled, the writing is boring and predictable.  And then there’s Freydis’ accent. Let’s just say Stitch (from Lilo & Stitch) might have been a Swedish woman in a past life.  To top it all off, the core cast is scattered across separate storylines, making the whole thing feel more like a collection of short stories than a cohesive saga.  The banter and chemistry that drew us in are gone, replaced by a disjointed narrative that lacks the raw Viking energy of the original series or even Valhalla’s earlier seasons.  On the bright side, it’s perfect background noise if you need something vaguely medieval playing while you fold laundry. It’s only on this “TV Shows to Watch Right Now” series because I want to commisserate. Watch if you’re desperate. Receiver (Netflix) 3.4 Stars! For those who haven’t seen “Quarterback” yet (myself included!), Netflix’s “Receiver” offers another dive into the world of sports docs.  Now, I freely admit my knowledge of American football is close to absolute zero, but “The Last Dance” had me hooked on basketball despite the same cluelessness. (I watched it 3x!). So, when “Receiver” promised a look at the lives of NFL’s top receivers, I was cautiously optimistic.  While it doesn’t quite capture the heart-pounding intensity of the trailer, “Receiver” is a surprisingly chill “action” watch.  Don’t expect the same inspirational gut punches as some other sports documentaries, but it’s a laid-back way to peek into the day-to-day of these incredible athletes.   Are they really TV shows to watch right now? Well, yes and no. No if you value quality. Yes if, like me, you’re desperate to watch something. Anything. Truth be told, I’m still hungry for quality adrenalin-fuelled, surprising, emotive TV. So, if you happen to know of such TV shows to watch right now, please drop your wisdom in the comments. Meanwhile, if you’re looking for light, summery TV shows to devour, check out my top 5 for 2024.