“Am I deactivating or falling out of love?”
“Is it just cold feet or a cold heart?”
“Oh, man,” you may be thinking.
“Not these questions again!”
Well, if you’re struggling with questions like these, you’re definitely not alone. And even though it’s a deeply uncomfortable place to be, it’s happening for a reason.
Unfortunately, there’s no magic answer in this post. Understanding what’s happening takes some deep soul-searching. That can be tough, especially if you tend to build emotional walls.
But fear not!
Having once been a champion wall-builder myself, I’ve navigated these questions countless times.
Even now, after being married for five years to the love of my life, on long, unexciting days, these same anxieties can creep back.
But I’ve developed a reliable way to untangle deactivation from genuine lost love.
And hopefully, through this post, you’ll find some clarity on your own journey.
Ever wonder why some people seem to jump headfirst into relationships, while others take things super slow?
Well, it might have to do with something called attachment theory.
Developed by psychologist John Bowlby, it basically suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we connect with others later in life.
Go figure.
It’s always your childhood, y’all.
Today, modern psychology recognises 4 broad attachment styles.
Which do you fall under?
Attachment Styles: Which One Are You?
As babies, we rely on our parents or guardians to meet our needs for food, comfort, and safety.
If these caregivers are responsive and reliable, we learn that the world is a safe place and that people can be trusted.
This, according to Bowlby, sets us up for a secure attachment style. We feel comfortable with intimacy but also secure enough to explore on our own.
But what if things weren’t so smooth in those early days? Our experiences with caregivers can influence how we connect with romantic partners in a few different ways.
Now, as you’re reading this, I’m going to assume you’re not one of the unicorns out there with a totally secure attachment style.
This means that you likely fall under one of the following insecure attachment styles:
Anxious-Preocuppied Attachment Style
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
People with this attachment style come across as highly independent or self-reliant. This may lead them to have a false sense of high self-esteem.
But really they’re often just suppressing and minimising any feelings that bring them closeness (and therefore vulnerabilities) within a relationship.
This could look like shutting down when a relationship gets too serious. Or downplaying/ equivocating their true feelings when asked.
It is thought that people with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style likely had caregivers who were emotionally distant or even dismissive of their needs.
This leads to a belief that those around them will disappoint or abandon them, making it better never really to get attached in the first place.
Fearful-Avoidant/ Disorganised Attachment Style
The fourth attachment style is a complex style that blends elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment.
People with this style might crave intimacy but also fear getting too close.
Deactivating: Pulling Away To Avoid Being Close
Have you ever felt you or your partner suddenly withdraw in a relationship?
Maybe you find yourself becoming distant, less interested in spending time together, or emotionally unavailable.
Or maybe your partner no longer wants to hold hands and becomes overly critical, for no obvious reason.
This might be deactivation.
It’s a coping mechanism to combat dysregulation often used by people with avoidant attachment styles.
During deactivation, someone might shut down communication, grow cold and unresponsive, or even withdraw physically.
And believe it or not, deactivation can be confusing and hurtful for both partners.
“How can it be confusing or hurtful for the one who is deactivating?” you ask.
And their coping mechanism for dealing with unmet needs is to withdraw. (Because of their deep-seated belief that people don’t meet their needs because they do not love them/ cannot be counted on).
So, why can’t the deactivating partner just say what they need?
Well, most likely because they have no idea.
The deactivating partner is likely as detached from themselves and their own feelings as they are trying to be with their others.
Yeah.
It’s not pretty.
There’s often confusion, hurt feelings, and a long reconciliation process before things can get back to the way they were.
Going through something like this?
Here are 5 of the most common signs of deactivation.
5 Signs of Deactivation
Whether its you who is deactivating or its your partner, it’s never a pleasant feeling.
Here are 5 telltale signs5 telltale signs that you or your partner is deactivating:
1. Communication Issues
- Communication Shutdown: Conversations become short and one-sided. Disinterest in talking about feelings or anything of substance. Any remaining conversations are usually surface-level only.
- Ghosting: Unreliable communication, leaving texts or calls unanswered. Cancelling plans last minute.
- Stonewalling: Complete shutdown and refusal to engage in a conversation about what’s wrong. There might be some gaslighting involved, a la “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.”
2. Emotional Distance
- Emotional Withdrawal: Less expressive of all emotions (including happiness), seeming distant and unavailable even when physically present.
- Negativity Bias: When talking of emotions, deactivators are biased towards the negative, becoming overly critical, focusing on flaws or problems in the relationship.
3. Physical Disconnect
- Increased Time Away: A sudden need for an unusual amount of alone time. Excuses to avoid spending time together. Less interest in shared activities. (Can be especially hurtful if the deactivator chooses to spend time with others instead).
- Reduced Affection: Physical touch becomes less frequent or forced. No or little intimacy.
- Reduced Eye Contact: Eye contact, a key indicator of emotional connection, becomes limited or fleeting.
4. Behavioural Changes
- Increased Distraction: Work, hobbies, or even social media become all-consuming.
- Neglecting Responsibilities: Chores, errands, or even basic self-care might fall by the wayside during deactivation.
- Increased Irritability: Generally more easily frustrated or annoyed. Can snap over seemingly minor things.
5. Shifting Dynamics
- A Red Flag: Blaming or shaming behaviour or speech around the relationship may be a sign of preparing to leave.
Can you temporarily fall out of love?
“Temporarily falling out of love” might instead be a sign of temporary distance in the relationship.
This could be caused by stress, external pressures, deactivation or simply neglecting the relationship.
It could also be a sign of deactivation, which, while scary, doesn’t necessarily signify the end of love.
These phases can be opportunities for growth and reconnection, not necessarily the end of the line. It could be your sign to put in some work into maintaining and strengthening the relationship.
By addressing the underlying reasons for the distance or deactivation and working on communication, you can navigate this phase and rekindle the connection.
This is a different situation entirely from temporary distance or deactivation.
What is falling out of love like?
Falling out of love can feel very different depending on the circumstances.
Sometimes, it’s a slow, agonising process. A “death by a thousand cuts” situation.
Interest wanes, replaced by indifference. Laughter becomes strained, and physical touch feels forced.
Conversations lack spark, replaced by a heavy silence that feels more comfortable than talking. And there’s a growing sense of loneliness, even when you’re together.
Other times, it’s fast.
A sudden betrayal, a drastic change in values, or a traumatic event can trigger a swift and dramatic loss of trust (a necessary component of love).
The person you once adored might become unrecognisable, leaving you heartbroken and confused.
And, of course, there’s being dumped.
That’s where you’re kind of forced to fall out of love on someone else’s timeline.
But even so, the initial hurt and anger can eventually morph into a realisation that the relationship wasn’t as strong as you thought.
The positive memories might feel distant, replaced by a sense of relief or even resentment.
Bottom line?
There’s no right or wrong way to fall out of love. It’s not a one-size-fits-all.
But you’ll know when you have when the no longer occupy a big part of your thoughts.
Is it normal to fall out of love?
Absolutely!
Otherwise we’d all be stuck with the first person we fell for… yikes!
Falling out of love, especially with unhealthy or incompatible relationships, is not just normal, it is recommended.
While your relationship may have held immense value at one point, as you change and evolve, so do your needs and desires in a partner.
Falling out of love with a situation that no longer serves you can be the catalyst for finding a connection that truly thrives.
So, if you’re questioning your feelings, don’t be afraid.
(In strong relationships, questioning your feelings can lead to strengthening the relationship!)
And if the answer is “let go of this partner”, don’t fight it.
It might be the universe nudging you towards something even better.
Am I Deactivating or Falling Out of Love?
Deactivation can mimic the dips in passion that can look like falling out of love.
Someone who’s deactivating might withdraw emotionally or physically, making you think the end of the relationship is near.
The key difference?
Deactivation is a coping mechanism, and often an involuntary one, for the person who’s pulling away.
It doesn’t necessarily mean the love is dead.
By understanding the reasons for deactivation (not easy because the deactivator might not even know!), you can work through this phase and rekindle the connection.
Reactivating Your Connection
If you’re struggling with deactivation, I’ve got a few useful tips (as a former deactivator) for how to rekindle the connection.
A Guide for Deactivators
My fellow deactivators! If you’re serious about not ruining yet another relationship, then listen close and try the following.
- The first step is acknowledging your deactivation tendencies. It doesn’t even have to be to your partner. Acknowledge it in your heart. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
- Work out your needs: Maybe you need more alone time to recharge, or perhaps open communication feels overwhelming. Whatever the reason, recognising your needs is key. (Bonus points: get therapy to work out what needs you’re struggling with).
- Once you’ve identified your triggers, try small steps towards reconnection. Initiate a brief conversation, even a text, to show your partner you’re still in the game.
- When the relationship is rekindled, be honest with your partner. Let them know you’re working on your deactivating tendencies and that you value the relationship. Open communication is essential for rebuilding trust and intimacy. (Bonus points: get therapy to understand the roots of your deactivation).
I was the recipient of such gaslighting and the amount of confusion bred so much resentment, that it eventually led to the demise of that relationship.
A Guide for Partners of Deactivators
If your partner seems emotionally distant, it can be confusing and hurtful.
The key is to avoid taking it personally (which is hard when they’re being super mean or critical).
Because deactivation is often a coping mechanism, not a reflection on your worth.
[If it helps, think of the deactivator as a toddler who doesn’t quite know how to express their needs and is in one of those toddler moods as a result.]
So, if your relationship is worth rekindling, here’s what you can do:
Focus on open communication. Let your partner know you’re there for them and encourage them to express their needs, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Offer them time and space apart for them to get a handle on the emotions they’re trying to repress.
Be patient – rebuilding trust and intimacy takes time.
Most importantly, refrain from harsh judgment. Of course, hold them accountable, express how the deactivation made you feel.
But harsh words around their worth as a person or partner will likely do more harm than good in the long run.
By working together, you can navigate this phase and emerge with a stronger connection.
How Understanding Deactivation Can Strengthen Your Relationship
Deactivation, while unsettling, can be a surprising catalyst for growth in a relationship.
Understanding this tendency in one partner allows the couple to approach emotional distance with more curiosity and less blame.
Instead of seeing withdrawal as a rejection, both partners can explore the root causes of this coping mechanism. This could mean looking into family systems or past experiences, which often lead to a much deeper understanding of the self.
From there, identifying triggers and developing healthier communication methods for navigating deactivation becomes a joint effort.
This creates a unique opportunity to understand each other’s emotional needs, and discover new ways to self-regulate and co-regulate.
Ultimately, deactivation can pave the way for a more evolved relationship built on healthy vulnerability, support, and true partnership.
Both individuals can develop greater empathy and more effective ways of expressing their needs, creating a stronger and more resilient connection.
And if that ain’t true love, I don’t know what is.
Deactivation: A Crossroads, Not a Dead End
Deactivating is not fun.
Not fun for the partner, and not exactly a picnic for the deactivator, either.
Often, it’s a coping mechanism used to manage overwhelming emotions, stemming from fear of intimacy, unmet needs, or even a self-protective response to past abandonment.
However, understanding deactivation is key. It shouldn’t automatically signal the end.
Instead, it could be looked at as a crossroads.
One at which the deactivator, if open to some vulnerability, can catalyse a new era of healthy communication and a deeper shared understanding for the couple.
By understanding the difference between deactivation and falling out of love, and by working towards healthy communication, couples can navigate these challenges and emerge with a stronger, more resilient connection.
Remember, falling out of love happens. But if deactivation becomes a cycle with no effort to reconnect, it can lead to a lonely path.
In today’s world where commitment can feel fleeting and options seem endless, love might seem easy to discard at the first sign of a hurdle.
But deactivation is a chance to reconnect, not retreat.
Love, with all its complexities, is worth the investment.
So, put down the egos and the distractions, have that crucial conversation, and rewrite your love story together.
Who knows? It could blossom into the most magnificent chapter yet
[…] stems from various factors, including childhood trauma, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, insecure attachment styles, or underlying issues like undiagnosed OCD or other anxiety-related […]