How To Stop Self-Comparison
In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.
Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.
But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle?
Well, I’ve got a few ideas…
So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?
Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.
Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.
This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community.
However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.
With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.
This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel.
While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety.
Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
And it’s true!
The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!
You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t!
Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like:
Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms.
Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?”
Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion.
Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be.
Types of Self-Comparison
In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety.
But it goes deeper than that.
For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.
So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways:
1. Upward Social Comparison
When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy.
Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …”
2. Downward Social Comparison
Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.
This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.
In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you!
3. Lateral Social Comparison
Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all).
Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones'” (now Kardashians).
4. The "Bigger Victim" Mentality
We all know people like this.
You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse.
Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love).
Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy.
5. Jealousy and Envy
This is when you see that someone else has what you want.
“That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.
But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies.
While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.
6. Adopting External Comparison
Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.
For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”).
What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons.
Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.
7. Temporal Comparisons
But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right?
Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least).
For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs.
There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).
While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy.
This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap.
My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide
For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my only) was one where I was comparing my present circumstances to an idealised future I’ve fantasised about.
This habit led to significant anxiety. My current reality could never measure up to the perfect scenarios in my mind. So, I felt like I was always striving. Always yearning. But I could never quite arrive.
The turning point came when I began to observe these comparative thoughts rather than engaging with them.
This happened after I started daily meditation and journaling (after reaching a desperate point) – even though it was something I had scoffed at in the past as “super generic advice”.
But in adopting those practices, I learned to notice the types of thoughts I was having. First, during the meditation. Then, in my everyday life. I notice how often I left this exquisite present to wander into fantasy realms.
My future dream home. How good I would feel after I finished that report.
And I also began to notice the tension and anxiety that it caused in the present. I felt hugely pressured to try to get to that ideal future as quickly as possible, thinking I would find my salvation there.
But, as you may have guessed, once I achieved the thing I was so yearning for… no good feelings. Onto the next.
It is what Tim Fletcher calls “unrelenting standards”.
And even these standards weren’t my own. They were a result of societal pressures and competing with my peers. Not my values.
This daily practice of meditation and journaling hasn’t eliminated comparative thoughts entirely, but it has reduced their power over me. Significantly.
I’m now more attuned to the present and less consumed by an unattainable future. I’m even able to resist my screen and food cravings a lot more!
How to Stop Self-Comparison (Lessons from Buddhism)
My athiests and agnostics, come back!
I promise this isn’t about to get religious!!!
It’s just that Buddhism has some great insights into the nature of suffering (which self-comparison undoubtedly causes) and the path to “liberation” (or how to stop self-comparison). Shout out to Recovery Dharma for re-exposing me to these through weekly recovery meetings.
They offer this through The Four Noble Truths:
There is Suffering (Dukkha): Recognise and accept that self-comparison is a source of personal suffering. *Meditation is great for this.
There is a Cause to Suffering (Samudaya): Understand the reasons why you cling to external validation through comparing yourself. *Journaling is great for this.
There is an End to Suffering (Nirodha): Believe in the possibility of ending this cycle of comparison and suffering. This requires some effort as you may not have the positive belief that its possible to stop comparing yourself. *Cultivating a healthy community is great for this.
There is a Path that Leads to the End of Suffering (Magga): Implement some of the practices below in earnestness and with an open-heart. Through commitment to these practices, you, too, can free yourself from self-comparison.
Practical Strategies on How to Stop Self-Comparison
Like I said earlier, breaking free from the cycle of self-comparison requires intentional effort, commitment to the practices, and a real desire to change your ways of thinking.
So, if you want to know how to stop self-comparison, check out these tools below:
Meditation: Before you roll your eyes, it was my daily meditation practice that really turned things around for me. By noticing the type of thoughts I have, I’m more able to spot and stop myself from self-comparisons .
Journaling: I’ve been journaling sporadically since I was a child. But about two months ago, I started journaling daily. The self-awareness is through the roof!
Limiting Social Media Exposure: Reduce time on platforms that trigger self-comparison (especially Instagram and Tiktok). Curate your feed to include content that inspires rather than diminishes your self-worth.
Gratitude Practice: I’ve never been big on gratitude. It just never clicked for me. But recently, I started keeping a daily “good things” and this has shifted my focus from the negative to the positive. A huge win for someone with CPTSD.
Setting Personal Goals: Find a way to connect to your true thoughts and feelings away from what the world tells you to aim for. You’ll be better for it!
Community: Sometimes, our competitive friends can exacerbate the problem! So, a healthy meetup with friends or a support group can make ALL the difference.