Ever wake up with the sudden awareness that you’ve been constantly stressed all your life? Well, that was me after my first stint in therapy.
It suddenly hit me that a big reason for some of my most destructive habits and behaviours was my attempt and self-regulating.
And when I finally saw it, I felt like a fish discovering water – suddenly I saw it everywhere!
So, in this post, I’ll be answering:
- What is emotional dysregulation?
- How do I know if I’m emotionally regulated or not?
- Why are some of us more prone to dysregulation, while others seem to handle stress better?
- And most importantly, how can we self-regulate to get out of the spiral of dysregulation?
It’s as though your emotions are like the volume dial on a loudspeaker. Normally, you can turn it up and down depending on the situation. But with emotional dysregulation, it’s like the knob is stuck or gets jammed easily or even randomly turns itself to whatever volume.
You might feel calm one minute and then suddenly explode in anger over something seemingly small. You might be stressed an anxious at 10pm with no obvious cause.
It’s like your emotions are way louder (or quieter) than the situation calls for, and it can be hard to get them back to a comfortable, situation-appropriate level.
How do I know whether I'm emotionally regulated or not?
Take my case, for example. My entire life I have experienced high anxiety, innumerable bouts of depression, and intrusive, suicidal thoughts. I also used food, TV, and sometimes other substances (like alcohol, sugar, and even cannabis) to cope.
But the entire time, I had no idea that all of these manifestations were simply the symptoms of emotional dysregulation.
Below I’ve compiled some of the big, should-be-obvious-but-they’re-not symptoms of emotional dysregulation.
It was only when I did therapy that I realised that it was not “normal” to feel this way all the time.
Why Are We Even Like This?
Okay, let’s put aside cases for emotional dysregulation from getting your head whacked and disrupting your brain’s hardware.
For the majority of us, we are chronically emotionally dysregulated because we were never taught how to regulate our emotions.
Emotional regulation, like many other things in life, is an acquired skill, not an innate ability. And many of us who grew up in households where you had to cater to the emotions of the adults in our lives never figured out how to tend to our own.
Below are 9 possible reasons why you’re chronically dysregulated.
Each of these potential reasons is a big deal in and of itself, so please don’t feel like you need more than one thing to ‘justify’ your chronic emotional dysregulation.
This list is also by no means exhaustive. There are simply way more ways to not know how to cope than there are ways to self-regulate.
So, if you can’t see your particular situation reflected in the list, drop it in the comments below to help others relate.
How To Self-Regulate
Ah, the tricky part – calming the f*** down without the usual self-destructive aids.
I have not mastered this part, which means I’m not writing to you from the smug end of victory. I am, however, significantly further along the process than when I started.
It takes a while. Because it’s about rewiring your entire nervous system to be different to how it’s been your entire life.
But every inch of your peace gained is worth the battles you fight to win it.
Here is some of the best ways to regulate:
Breathing (The Right Way)
I once heard this monk say that “99% of all our problems come from breathing incorrectly”. I don’t know if that’s true, but breathing well can definitely help to self-regulate.
This techniques works best for the explosive or overwhelming feelings. The kind where you feel like you’re going to burst. It also works quite well for severe anxiety.
The trick is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in.
So, if you breath in for a count of 6, make sure to breathe out for a count of 8 or more to get the calming benefits.
Do this for at least 5 rounds of in-and-out breaths, or until you feel calm.
(Be sure to count. Doing the opposite – inhaling for longer than you exhale – can exacerbate anxiety).
Movement
Exercise – not one anyone wants to hear, I know.
But hear me out, because I would not recommend this unless I personally experienced the benefits. And I have.
I usually exercise at home, alone, early in the morning. On my rest days, I am significantly more dysregulated (I eat more junk, am a bit more snappy).
Others use exercise to burn off some steam. Like going for a run when you’re extra stressed at work. Or walking around the block when things get heated with someone at home.
There’s also a newer form of movement and exercise called somatic exercise, designed specifically for releasing pent-up, buried emotions and promoting regulation.
Whatever you’re into, make sure it works and that you can enjoy it to some degree. The consistency of your practice is what’ll make the biggest long-term difference.
Self-Observation
Self-observation played a huge role in my recovery from postpartum depression.
What I did was write down all of my intrusive thoughts in a little book. (This was more out of exasperation than strategy, to be honest).
When I wrote them down, suddenly, they all seemed so silly.
Things like, “I’m imagining a burglar coming to the house, shimming through the tiny window in the bathroom. I imagine fighting him with the bedside lamp.”
Nuts, I know!
But three days later, those kinds of thoughts completely stopped.
Poof. Gone. Like magic.
You could also try observing your thoughts during meditation, if you’d prefer. (I was often too dysregulated for this, but more power to you if you can!).
Turns out that our worst thoughts thrive in the dark. So, if you’re able to give your worst thoughts your attention for about a week, it’s definitely worth a shot.
Self-Reflection
Similar to self-observation, self-reflection is another way at looking at the thing head-on.
Techniques include active meditation, journalling, therapy, and whatever else helps you hold up a mirror to yourself.
But unlike self-observation, self-reflection takes things a step further and asks the hard questions.
Why do I think/ feel this way?
Is this a valid thought or am I catastrophising/ assuming?
Would I treat my child self the way I am treating myself now?
Asking these questions will only work if you have a willingness to be absolutely and uncomfortably honest with yourself.
You will have to be willing to discover terrible truths about yourself, your loved ones, your actions, and more.
But you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. So, see this as a necessary first step.
Co-regulating with a partner
This is one of my favourite methods, but only because I have a wonderful, safe, loving husband that I can turn to.
Over the years, we’ve learnt different ways to co-regulate, and they have been a game-changer.
Before these techniques, I was the avoidant in the relationship – shutting down whenever there was something unpleasant to worth through.
But now, we have excellent communication. I do not hesitate to come to him with my feelings, big and small. And he’s the same, too.
Techniques you could look into include
- Communication circles: a safe space you create with your partner. It’s a time dedicated to talking about what’s really in your heart. You get to set the rules, but some of ours included not interrupting each other, using “I felt” and “I observed” statements (rather than “you did this to me”), and allowing whatever came up from whenever (no time limits on feelings).
- Co-breathing techniques: I haven’t tried this, but you could practice synchronised breathing together to create a sense of connection and calmness.
- Co-regulating hugs (my favourite): My go-to technique because both my husband and I work from home and he is my emotional support animal. The technique is easy. You hold each other tight, in whatever position, for as long as necessary until the tension in your bodies release. For me, the tension is usually in my chest, so it’s quite nice to feel his heart beat against it. I don’t know how it works, but it does.
It makes sense that co-regulation with a partner is one of the best ways to regulate. It mimics what we didn’t experience enough as a child – the loving accepting arms of another.
By working with your partner, you’re giving the beautiful, essential gift of regulation.
Final Thoughts
My biggest piece of advice?
Get some help. And I don’t only mean that in the “get therapy” kind of way (even though that is the most ideal form of help you could get).
I mean seek someone in your life who is dependable, cares about you, and has proven to be non-toxic. Then, share your struggles with them.
The biggest reason why we are so chronically dysregulated is because when we do have big feelings, we tend to bury them (in substances) until they come out as depression or self-harm.
We’re the kind of people who don’t go to people with our problems.
Disrupting that cycle by telling a friend or loved one and asking for their help does wonders.
However, before you can even do that, you need to recognise when you’re emotionally dysregulated.
And this, friends, is 80% of the battle.
[…] It’s a coping mechanism to combat dysregulation often used by people with avoidant attachment styles. […]
[…] For me, it was a long journey to even identify that I had these limiting beliefs. […]
[…] If you’re really struggling with emotional dysregulation, I’ve got some suggestions for … […]
[…] coping mechanisms and a support system ahead of time to help you weather the […]
[…] year. But I think there was a big shift for me after therapy. Therapy helped me realise that I am allowed to feel whatever it is that I am feeling in the moment. Even if it was something “embarrassing” like “Yes, I want to make a big deal out […]
[…] recognition can be deeply dysregulating, but it’s essential for […]
[…] also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big […]
[…] when you’re likely to feel overwhelmed or burnt out to schedule in some downtime before you snap. Then make it a […]
[…] ability to recognise and regulate one’s own emotions, as well as empathise with others, is crucial for achieving personal and professional […]
[…] I had no idea how much I actually needed this break until 4 days in. My mind suddenly started clearing and my body started stepping out of fight-or-flight mode. […]
[…] working through past experiences and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can gradually release the grip of perfectionism and move towards a more nurturing parenting […]
[…] We were both insecure young people, looking to each other for validation and security. […]
[…] tantrums), including goodbyes. If they’re in the hands of good caregivers who can help them regulate emotionally afterwards, they should calm down within a few […]