The Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Journey​

The Fundamental of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Personal Journey Becoming a mother changes you in profound ways. But for me, it wasn’t the glowing transformation of joy that social media likes to portray. When I gave birth to my twins, I experienced what felt like a complete unravelling of everything I thought I knew about myself.  It wasn’t just the sleepless nights or the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two new lives. Rather, I felt as if every unresolved part of my past came rushing to the surface all at once. Every hurt, every defense mechanism, and every suppressed feeling began demanding my attention.  It was terrifying, disorienting, and left me spiralling into a 14-month depression—a depression I didn’t even recognize until I began clawing my way out of it. But my breaking point also became my turning point.  Through a lot of hard, messy work, I’ve come to understand that I wasn’t broken or defective. What I was experiencing was the aftermath of complex trauma, and I now know that it’s not only possible to heal from it, but that the process of healing can lead to a richer, more authentic life.  In this post, I want to share the fundamentals of complex trauma in adults—what it is, how it manifests, and why it’s so often overlooked. And for those in the thick of it, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. Let’s go! What is Complex Trauma? It wouldn’t be a “fundamentals of complex trauma in adults” if I didn’t try to give some sort of definition of complex trauma. Complex trauma isn’t about a single, catastrophic event.  Instead, it arises from prolonged exposure to emotionally or psychologically harmful environments, often during formative years. It’s rooted in relationships, particularly those where trust and safety should exist but don’t.  Unlike the “big T” Traumas, such as one-off natural disasters or violent assaults, complex trauma is cumulative and insidious, often involving neglect, emotional invalidation, or manipulation.  Here’s how I like to think about it:  Big T events are things that happen to you when they shouldn’t. Little T traumas often involve things that don’t happen when they should—like the absence of love, respect, attention, security, reliability, or safety.  Sometimes, complex trauma can be a combination of both big T and little T trauma. (Yikes!)   Over time, these repeated absences can have the same or even greater effects as big T trauma. This is because they are subtle, hard to detect, and often invalidated or overlooked by others. For many of us, it’s easy to downplay our experiences. My childhood, for instance, seemed perfectly adequate on the surface. I was well provided for materially, and from the outside, my family appeared stable.  But beneath that veneer were years of emotional neglect and dysfunction—parents who could be invalidating, neglectful, and emotionally absent. These experiences taught me to people-please, to fear confrontation, and to internalise a sense of unworthiness. I was super confused, for years, around why I just couldn’t get my sh*t together. Characteristics & Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults Educating yourself about the characteristics of complex trauma is often the first step to healing.  Understanding how these traits may have developed as responses to certain elements in your formative years can help alleviate the confusion, self-blame, and anger you might feel.  My Complex Trauma Bible is Tim Fletcher’s “60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma“, which provides a comprehensive framework for understanding how it impacts adults. He has a series on YouTube as well. It’s changed my life! Here, I’ll highlight some key ways it showed up in my life and how it might manifest for others: 1. Emotional Dysregulation For years, I felt like my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. Either that, or I’m completely shut down – robot style.  I’d swing between anxiety, sadness, and determination in a short period. Small frustrations, like a rude comment or an unexpected change in plans, could leave me spiralling for hours or days.  This emotional volatility is the one thing that bonds all of us complex trauma people together. We just don’t know how to regulate our emotions! How could we? We were never taught (but it’s not too late).  2. People-Pleasing and Fear of Conflict Growing up, there was only room for my father’s anger and demands in the house. So, I learned that avoiding conflict was safer than asserting my needs.  As an adult, this translated into people-pleasing behaviours: Saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” Changing my character, accent, and entire personality depending on the person. Bending over backwards to avoid upsetting others (which sometimes involved manipulation!).    The very thought of confrontation could leave me paralysed with fear. 3. Hypervigilance Are you an Empath/ Highly Sensitive Person? Well, you might have complex trauma! Complex trauma keeps you on high alert, constantly scanning for potential threats. It’s a body’s nervous system trying to figure out fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses. So, I’d replay conversations in my head, analysing every word for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval. And eventually, I became a “highly sensitive person” or “empath“.  Not someone who would cry at the drop of the hat (this was not allowed in my childhood home). But rather someone who could infer how a person felt from a simple look or micro-expression.  People admired this about me. “Wow, you’re so perceptive!” But damn, what a price to pay for being observant.  This hyper-awareness is exhausting and makes it very difficult to relax. 4. Sense of Inferiority No matter how many external achievements I racked up—from academic successes to professional milestones—I couldn’t shake the belief that I was fundamentally “less than.”  Whether I based it on my race and ethnicity, or my gender, or my nationality – you name it, I was feeling less than. Sure, there’s a component of social hierarchies, structural racism, and actual discrimination going on.  But because I didn’t have a strong enough sense of self, I

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement We live in a world that values comfort, self-expression, and freedom. Just joking. Many of us women feel pressured to slip on a bra every morning. This modern-day corset has become such a part of our daily routine that we don’t even question it as one of the subtle signs of the patriarchy. But when you begin to examine the history and deeper implications of bras, you realise just how entrenched they are in beauty standards and the male gaze. It’s about more than just “support”—it’s about who decides what’s acceptable for women’s bodies. (And it ain’t the woman, as we’ve seen time and again). One day, it dawned on me that I genuinely didn’t enjoy wearing bras, and I finally felt safe enough to go outside without one. (More on that later). That was a turning point. Since then, I’ve chosen to go braless, except for sports. And honestly? I don’t want to go back. To add to my little experiment, my husband decided to wear a bra to understand what all the fuss was about. (More on that later, too). Needless to say, I’m embarking on a de-patriarchisation of the mind. A mental bra-burning movement, if you will.  Read on and share your thoughts. From Corsets to Bras: A Continuum of Body Control Looking back, it’s strange to think that corsets were once everyday wear for women. From the Renaissance to the 20th century, it’s what fashionable, well-to-do women wore for 500 years! (Give or take). Imagine squeezing yourself into something so tight you could barely breathe! (I suppose a lot of women do this with shapewear now? I’ve never tried). But those contraptions shaped women’s bodies, literally rearranging their internal organs to fit this narrow, “ideal” form.  And for what?  Certainly not for comfort or health.  Like a shapely vase, corsets were for display, to create a silhouette that pleased the eyes of men and society. Women were the objects. Silent, agreeable pieces of movable beauty (that were also f*ckable).  A Reductionist History of Strapping our Breasts to our Chests When bras became mainstream around the turn of the 20th century, they were hailed as more “liberating”.  But now I wonder, were they really that different?  Sure, they didn’t crush our torsos, but the principle remains the same. Shape yourself to be attractive, because her appearance is all the currency a woman has. They’re the same tool of control, just in a different package.  Honestly, in principle, it’s not too different to foot-binding in ancient China, where women’s feet were tightly bound to create this “ideal” look. (And whether it’s bras or feet, it seems like the “ideal” was rather juvenile). It’s all about manipulating ourselves to be perfect brides. And, in this way, what we were doing to our bodies fitted perfectly with what we were doing to our minds. Bras and the Male Gaze For the longest time, I didn’t think twice about bras.  Like many women, I excitedly started wearing bras as a pre-teen because it symbolised “being a woman”, more grown-up than my flat-chested girlfirends.  But as I thought about it more, I began to realise that the expectation to wear bras isn’t a natural law. It’s a patriarchal law. And just because the majority think it’s the way to do something, it doesn’t make it true, or beneficial. After all, it took humanity centuries to accept that the sun, not Earth, is at the center of our planetary system.  The whole idea that breasts should look a certain way, that they must be lifted and hidden, isn’t a choice most of us arrive at on our own.  It’s a deeply ingrained belief that our natural bodies are wrong if they deviate from society’s idea of perfection.  Undiagnosed Social Perfectionism And that perfection, in itself, is an inherently unreachable standard. We will always be considered too-something, despite all our efforts. Too fat, thin, too natural, too made-up. Too-something. It’s why the cosmetics, diet and plastic surgery industries are so prevalent. For years decades, I internalised that message. I didn’t even think about it. I was totally blended with the way things were. Too in it to realise that I was swimming in poop.  It was only when I began therapy and decided that I was the only person I needed to please—with my body, my thoughts, and my life—that I started questioning all the things I’d been doing automatically to participate in an unspoken “mating game” where men hold all the power. I’m not willing to subscribe to that anymore. The Feminist Rebellion – The Bra Burners of the Past When I started learning more about feminism, I discovered that women in the 1960s and 70s had already started questioning these norms. So yes, it’s not a Millennial/ Gen-Z fad. (Although, more on that later). You might have heard about “bra-burning feminism.”  The reality is, women didn’t actually burn their bras en masse, but they did throw them away as a symbolic act of rebellion.  It was their way of rejecting the expectations around their bodies and reclaiming their comfort and agency. For those women, discarding bras was about saying, “My body is my own, and I don’t need to fit anyone else’s standard.” And even though I feel like we’ve come a long way, bras are still largely unquestioned today. We may not be wearing corsets, but many of us still wear bras just because it’s “normal.”  For me, going braless has become a quiet act of reclaiming that comfort and authenticity. It’s a small thing, but every day, it reminds me that I don’t have to shape myself to fit anyone else’s expectations. A Mental Bra-Burning Movement What do we all do when we get home? Sometimes, before I even take my shoes off, I’m unclipping my bra and taking it off through my clothes.  They don’t make me feel comfortable or good about myself. Sure, I liked the way my boobs look in them, but that’s

Female Friendships in Your 30s: A Surprising Shift

There’s something about entering your 30s that shifts the landscape of female friendships. Relationships you once held close might start to feel misaligned. While the women you once thought were uninteresting now seem to be exactly who you need in your life. Despite only barely entering my 30s, I’ve experienced this transition firsthand. As I’ve worked through complex trauma and healed parts of myself, I’ve noticed the types of friendships I gravitate toward are changing. Where I once felt drawn to dynamics filled with competition and mind-games, I now find myself seeking women who offer a sense of emotional safety, health, and authenticity. This shift isn’t just limited to me. Many women in their 30s and 40s are experiencing the same thing. And it’s not just because women are saddled with childbearing responsibilities and can’t maintain friendships. But also because it’s a time of profound self-reflection, healing, and changing priorities. This, quite naturally, impacts our relationships. So, why do female friendships in your 30s feel so different? We’ll explore the reasons behind the transformation, and how embracing the change can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections. Shifting Priorities and Values in Your 30s A big part of this shift in female friendships in your 30s has to do with changing priorities and values.  In your 20s, friendships may have been formed around shared experiences or external validation. Maybe you were focused on socialising, professional ambition, or fitting into certain social circles. But as we move into our 30s, there’s a natural realignment. For many women, this decade marks the beginning of deeper introspection.  What used to matter—being in the “right” social crowd, keeping up appearances, or maintaining surface-level connections—starts to fade in importance. Instead, we look for friendships that offer emotional depth, vulnerability, and mutual growth. I’ve personally found that I’m no longer interested in friendships that revolve around competitive energy or shallow conversations.  Instead, I’m drawn to women with a certain effortlessness about them. The ones not trying to impress. Who are comfortable in their own skin, expressing their own views, and following their true desires. What’s so special about your 30s? This shift in values can happen as a result of many things. And of course, it may not occur for everyone.  For most, it’s a combination of events, relationships, and introspection.  By the time we’re in our 30s, we’ve probably: experienced a few failed romantic relationships and friendships, navigated work relationships and responsibilities, begun understanding what brings us meaning and joy in our work and private lives, had, started trying, or begun planning to have children. Alternatively, you might be struggling to have children or decided not to have children, expended a lot of energy navigating the patriarchy.   I suspect that many of you reading this are introspective by nature. So, these events and situations are likely to catalyse a lot of self-reflection about what it means to be in this world. And with reflection often comes a desire for increased authenticity. And that has a lot of implications for our friendships. Letting Go of Toxic Female Friendship in Your 30s As we grow, it becomes clear that certain friendship dynamics no longer serve us.  These could be friendships that once centered around competition (think: frenemies), poor communication, reckless behaviour (drinking, drugs, excessive partying), or other maladaptive aspects.  But while letting go of these relationships can be painful, it’s a crucial part of personal growth. In my 20s, I gravitated towards women who mirrored my unresolved trauma in ways I wasn’t yet conscious of. These included friends where competition was disguised as camaraderie, party-friends, or imbalanced, superior-inferior friendships. I now see very clearly how these relationships reflected my unhealed parts. It’s common for women in their 30s to start distancing themselves from friendships that thrive on gossip, comparison, or emotional games. While the process of ending these relationships can feel bittersweet, it’s often a necessary step toward creating space for healthier connections. The good news? Letting go of toxic dynamics opens the door to friendships that are rooted in genuine respect, kindness, and emotional maturity. Embracing Healthier, More Authentic Friendships The shift towards healthier friendships can feel like a breath of fresh air. But it can also feel strange or unfamiliar. For me, the women I once viewed as “boring” are now the ones I’m gravitating towards. This explains why and how we are only attracted to people on our level of emotional health. When we change our emotional health, we change our relationships, too. My new friends may not be the loudest, edgiest, or the most attention-seeking, but they bring something much more valuable to the table: emotional safety, wisdom, and authentic connection. These new friendships are built on a foundation of authenticity and genuine care and interest in each others’ lives. We offer support without judgment. And that is so healing in today’s day and age.  This is the beauty of evolving friendships in your 30s—women show up for each other in ways that promote collective healing and personal development. Mourning the Old, Finding the New Of course, it’s not always easy to navigate this shift in friendships. There’s often a mourning process involved as we let go of relationships that once felt significant but now feel misaligned. It’s important to acknowledge that grieving the loss of old friendships is normal. Friendships, like all relationships, carry emotional weight, and distancing yourself from someone you once cared for can feel difficult.  However, this mourning process is part of honouring your own needs – a significant part of embracing growth. By allowing space for sadness or discomfort, you also create space for new, healthier relationships to enter your life. But, where to find these new, like-minded women?  As our values change, it can feel daunting to seek out friendships that align with our new selves.  But with some intentionality, it’s absolutely possible!  Whether through shared interests, online communities, or spaces that promote introspection and healing, finding women who resonate with your new self is an important

Women, Belly Breathing, & the Male Gaze

A couple weeks ago, as I was waiting for my husband and daughters at the airport, I noticed something interesting.  A lot of the young women coming through Arrivals had stiff, straight abdomens. Their tummies weren’t moving when they breathed, just their chests.  It took me back to a memory from my pre-teen years. Those volatile, impressionable years where many parts of our lives can be susceptible to societal hijack. Especially true of young girls.  The memory was of me making a conscious decision to try to chest breathe instead of belly breathe. I didn’t want to be caught with my belly ballooning out. Like, ever. So, in an effort to look slim and appear more beautiful (to strangers, I guess?), I began my journey into chest breathing. I had since made a conscious reverse-decision to deeply belly breathe no matter what.   But it got me wondering about what other subtle signs of patriarchy might be out there if something as fundamental as the way we breathe can be shaped by societal standards. In this post, we’ll explore the connection between chest breathing, fat-shaming, and unrealistic beauty standards, all framed by the influence of the patriarchy.  For many women, belly breathing—though healthier—has been subtly discouraged as a way of controlling female bodies to align with the male gaze.  Let’s start with the basics… What Is Belly Breathing, and Why Is It Healthier? Belly breathing (also known as diaphragmatic breathing) is the natural, optimal way to breathe. When you belly breathe, you engage your diaphragm fully, allowing your lungs to expand to their full capacity.  This provides a deeper intake of oxygen, slows your heart rate, and triggers your body’s relaxation response, also known as the parasympathetic nervous system. In contrast, chest breathing is more shallow. It often occurs when we’re stressed, anxious, or holding tension in our bodies—conditions that many women experience regularly.  Chest breathing can also be a symptom of engaging the sympathetic nervous system, living in survival mode or being in fight or flight. Over time, many women start chest breathing unconsciously, and the calming benefits of belly breathing are left behind. Benefits of Belly Breathing: Increased oxygen intake: With deeper breaths, you allow more oxygen into your system, supporting overall physical and mental health. Stress reduction: Belly breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and reducing anxiety. Improved core strength: It engages the core muscles, contributing to better posture and even reducing the risk of injury. Better emotional regulation: Deep breathing helps you stay grounded and calm, a critical skill in dealing with daily stressors.   So if belly breathing is so good for us, why aren’t more women doing it? Why Aren’t Women Belly Breathing? While my little-girl self made a conscious choice to chest-breathe rather than belly breathe, many girls and women are conditioned to chest breathe without even realising it.  For decades, women have been told, directly and indirectly, that their value is linked to how thin or small they can make their bodies appear. (Isn’t that just a beautifully apt way for how the patriarchy tries to minimise females into submission?). And one of the ways we internalise this message is by sucking in our stomachs to create the illusion of slimness. Over time, this leads to habitual chest breathing, as our stomachs are constantly held in rather than allowed to expand naturally during breath. And while this is 100% anecdotal, I’m convinced this is true for maaaany women out there.  The Pressure to Have a “Flat Stomach” Think about the last time you saw a woman with a relaxed, soft belly in a magazine ad.  Rarely, if ever, right?  Media, fashion, and even social media have glorified the image of a perfectly flat stomach. Never mind that this isn’t a realistic or healthy expectation for most of us.  Fat-shaming—the negative stigma attached to having fat on our bodies—compounds this issue, as we’re made to feel ashamed of our natural bodies. Even health movements are often co-opted to promote fat loss, rather than true health, leaving us with the belief that any hint of a round stomach is unacceptable.  This pervasive beauty standard doesn’t just affect how we look at ourselves in the mirror. It shapes how we move, sit, stand, and even breathe. The Patriarchy Discourages Women Belly Breathing At the heart of this phenomenon is *drumroll* THE PATRIARCHY! A system that has historically controlled women’s bodies to align with the expectations of men. By discouraging belly breathing—whether consciously or unconsciously—society subtly enforces the idea that our bodies should be small, quiet, and controlled. The Role of Fatphobia in Policing Women’s Bodies As women, we are constantly told to shrink ourselves. This doesn’t just apply to weight but extends to how we occupy physical and social spaces.  Fatphobia, the systemic fear and stigmatisation of fat bodies, ensures that, as women, we are encouraged to take up as little space as possible.  By chest breathing, we avoid expanding our bodies, minimising our presence and reinforcing the idea that our value comes from being thin, pleasant to men, and unobtrusive. Control Over Women’s Bodies for Male Approval When we trace this issue back to its root, we find the influence of the male gaze—the notion that women’s appearances and actions are primarily evaluated through a lens of male approval.  A flat stomach, even to the point of inhibiting natural breathing, is often considered more attractive by societal standards. Think about the centuries of corset-wearing women did! This leads to us women being socially conditioned to prioritse aesthetics over our own well-being. #Shoutout to ShapeWear! Even when it affects something as fundamental as our breath.   But this isn’t just about vanity.  It’s about control.  Women are taught to constantly monitor and adjust their bodies, leaving little room for autonomy and authenticity.  So, the simple act of letting your belly expand during a breath becomes a form of rebellion. Ridiculous, I know, but also true.  Women belly breathing is a declaration that our bodies are not meant

A Safe Space for Black Women | Chai & Sunshine

When starting Chai & Sunshine, I looked up many successful blogs for inspiration. Cup of Jo and The Blonde Abroad were of particular interest for the aesthetic and the engagement.  But I subconsciously imbibed something else from my blogging research.  That to be successful, I should keep things light.  To be successful, I should keep things white. My blog should be about design and style, with curated images and clever, non-threatening humour.  But as I work through my own unlearning – including internalised racism and misogyny – I realise that what I want to talk about and create is not just another “white woman blog”.  I do not want to be a minor character in my own creation.  What I want to create is a safe space for authenticity, starting with myself. I want to create a safe space for black women, which means a safe space for all women, which means a safe space for everyone. I want to create space for us to exist as our whole selves. And I want to do this intentionally. Not when it’s convenient. Not as a “nice to have”.  So, I’m going to be redoing the categories on this blog to better reflect me my actual values.  And it will be unapologetic. Say it unapologetically What I feel x My values = Say it unapologetically I came across this equation today and fell in love.  As part of the childhood trauma club, it’s been a long journey to figuring out how I actually feel about things. Historically, I have only concerned myself with how others feel and how I was supposed to feel in reaction to that to avoid conflict.  When I started on the journey of authenticity, it would take me a couple of weeks before I could identify what that twinge in my tummy meant. I’ve gotten that down to a few minutes now.  Not knowing what I truly felt about things meant that I also didn’t know what my values were. I certainly could not tell you whether I valued myself. But there were clear indications that I did not value myself very highly.  Understanding how I truly feel about things, and working through questions around my intrinsic value as a human being have helped me grow immensely in confidence.  A year ago, I would have not had the confidence to unapologetically say:  I am created a safe space for black women on my blog.  And I don’t care about being everything to everybody anymore.  Don’t try to be everything to everybody Are you a people-pleaser?  Well, name 3 people who are pleased with you.  As a veteran people-pleaser, I have a duty to inform the active-duty people-pleasers that it is a senseless quest you embark on. My blog so far has been trying to cater to the feelings of everyone. Mainly women.  But not saying anything about my experience as a black, African, woman, that may make anyone else feel excluded or uncomfortable.  But in censoring such integral parts of myself, I wasn’t being authentic.  And we aren’t about that anymore.  So, while everyone is and always will be welcome, I will also be specifically expressing my experiences as a black woman.  Final Thoughts My journey through to finally allowing myself to take up space is sweet and beautiful.  It’s like I can finally see myself – the core of personality beneath all the trauma responses I had adopted to survive.  Join me on this ride into realness, y’all. 

10 Best Places to Travel as a Black Woman (2024)

*A post for black women* Girl, we all know the world isn’t always built for us.  As Black women, merely existing can feel like an obstacle course, let alone venturing out to explore a new place.  And with travel, there’s a whole extra layer of questions: is it safe? Will I be welcome? Will people want to touch my hair? On top of that, the usual worries about being a woman on the road come into play.  But guess what?  We deserve to experience the world too!  That’s why I’ve compiled a personal list of my 10 best places to travel as a black woman.  Whether you’re looking for tropical, cultural, or big city living, I’ve got you! So pack your bags, ladies – it’s time to see the world! Travel Destination Criteria I thought I’d start out with the set of rules I’ve used for picking the places I’ve chosen. So, here’s my criteria for what makes somewhere one of the best places to travel as a black woman:  1. Safety Duh! Safety is priority number one, of course.  We all deserve to feel secure while exploring new places.  So, you won’t find any war zones or places they do terrorism or kidnapping on this list. No places with excessive crime, either.  We face enough dangers because of our appearance, and we don’t usually have the best odds in hospital situations. So, on this list, we’ll stick to the safest places that even mom won’t worry about.  2. Racism (or Lack Thereof) This is a big travel criteria as a black woman.  Because who wants to fend of racism while on holiday, right?! And while every individual’s experience in these places might be different, I’ve gone with looking at the general racism I felt in these places. Because, while we can’t avoid it completely, some destinations are more welcoming than others.  3. I’ve Been There Personally So, while I am well-travelled, this criteria narrows down the list significantly.  But hear me out.  Anyone can do a hypothetical “best places to travel as a black woman” list. But I think there’s still something to be said for actually having lived experience in those places.  4. Cultural Awareness What is cultural awareness? And why is this different to racism? Sit down, I’m glad you asked.  A place with cultural awareness of black people is one where people are accustomed to seeing and catering to Black travellers.  One where they don’t gawk or try to touch your skin or hair.  Or ask weird questions like “Do you know Oprah? Beyonce? Or Rihanna?” – true story. (Unfortunately, no. We don’t run in the same circles.) So, while a place might not be considered “racist”, there may be a lot of unintentional cultural insensitivity that may be annoying to navigate on holiday. 5. Fun! Of course, no list is complete without considering the fun factor!  These destinations offer not just safety and respect, but also beauty, adventure (but not the warzone kind), and amazing experiences. Buckle up! Here are the best places to travel as a black woman (in no particular order):   1. Reunion Island, France Okay, the “France” part is slightly misleading.  Because this gorgeous island is actually located off the east coast of Africa, in the vicinity of Mauritius and Madagascar.  How it still belongs to France is a history lesson I won’t be giving.  But how amazing it is, I can tell you. (I lived there for about 7 months). From the natural offerings (tropical forests, oceans, volcanoes), to lovely restaurants, stunning beaches, and fun events throughout the year, Reunion is as close to paradise as it gets.  Also, its as modern as any big city with all the amenities you can ask for.  The population is super mixed so you’ll be able to find whatever you need (hair care, foundation shades, braids).  So, take your Duolingo French with you to Reunion Island and thank me later. 2. Lisbon, Portugal Full transparency: we live near Lisbon now.  But there’s a reason why we live here. Many, in fact. (I wrote a whole post about it). Lisbon has that European-city charm, great weather, fun, forever-partying people, and it’s also super accepting to people of all colours.  Because while my mixed-race family has had trouble integrating in Africa, we’ve had no issue here.  They also operate on “Mediterranean time”, which means you wake up at 10am, have a nap at 3pm, before partying the night away. It’s a veritable festa.   Lisbon has it all. If you’re looking for something more cultural, you can definitely check out the palaces in Sintra (30 mins north).  Or perhaps lounging around on a beach is more your style? Visit Costa da Caparica (30 mins south, pictured above).   3. Havanna, Cuba My heart is in Havanna, ooh na na… Cuba is multicultural. You can go there on any budget. (I went on the Broke Ass Student Plan). And, of course, the nightlife is amazing.  But it’s also super safe, very multicultural, and absolutely stunning! (Who knew communism could look so good?). On top of that, the rum was cheaper than water in some places, and Cuban cigars are pretty cheap.  So, you can fully indulge your vices under the guise of “cultural integration”.  4. Reykjavik, Iceland My friend, go to Iceland in the winter. I cannot promise you multicultural. (These statues were the closest I got to finding another brown person). I cannot even promise you sunshine and good weather.  But the cosiest Christmas atmosphere in the most ethereal place, you will find. Lovely bars, restaurants, and most importantly, people, too.  And the sun rises at 10am and sets at 4pm in December. So you can wake up late after partying for 12 hours.  (Check out their blue lagoon hot springs if you’re into something more chill.) 5. London, England Aaahh London.  My first time visiting was during a week of excellent weather in July.  The sun was shining. People were singing (for money) in the streets.  Those

Every Body is a Beach Body! 3 Steps to Boost Body Confidence

The sun is ablaze. The days are longer. And along with the undeniable joys of summer comes the not-so-subtle pressure to “get beach ready.” *Rolling eyes* Scrolling through social media, I’m bombarded with intense workout routines and “summer body” challenges.  But here’s the thing: somewhere along the way, we’ve internalised a narrow definition of what it means to look acceptable in the summer sun.  We forget that the true gatekeepers of our confidence aren’t airbrushed magazine covers or unrealistic expectations, but ourselves (*exceptions apply to those living in truly oppressive cultures. Don’t try this in Iran).  I know many of you reading this intellectually know that “every body is a beach body”, but don’t really believe that about yourself. It’s time to break free from that narrative and reclaim summer for what it truly is: a season to shake of seasonal depression, do fun things, spend time with those we love.  And we can’t really do that fully if we’re worried about our bodies, can we? Take it from me.  I was once a body-image worrier, but now I’m a body-confidence warrior. Here are 3 steps to really feeling the statement “every body is a beach body”. Why Do We Do This To Ourselves? A Brief History of Bodily Oppression I’m a nerd. So, I like to know where the hell the inexplicable things that we take for granted today come from.  Like, why on Earth we’re all trying to get “snatched” or have a “summer glow-up” to impress people we don’t even know.  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far, but feel free to leave some of your ideas in the comments. The Wife Prize For centuries, societal expectations dictated that a woman’s ultimate goal was marriage.  This ingrained mindset limited women’s aspirations, making a husband the pinnacle of their life’s achievements.  Unfortunately, this also meant conforming to a specific, male-approved ideal.  Throughout history, this “ideal woman” has been defined by various physical attributes, creating immense pressure to fit a mold that often conflicted with natural health or personal desires.  From the plump figures favored during the Renaissance to the corseted waists of the Victorian era, women were expected to manipulate their bodies to fit the current “wife prize” image. And I see the modern version of it now, playing out on social media and dating apps.  Perhaps the goal is not a husband anymore. Perhaps its likes, attention, and acceptance. But the origins are the same, whereas what we’re ascribing to, isn’t. Inconsistent Beauty Ideals Not only are we trying to fit a preset of what is “beautiful”, but that preset is constantly changing! Ancient Greece preferred athletic builds, while the Middle Ages favored pale skin and flowing, unbound hair.  The Victorian era championed a fragile, doll-like figure, while the 20th century saw a shift towards curves and a more “glamorous” look.  Don’t even start me on how we went from emaciated models in the 90s to the big-butted Kardashian movement we’re currently in.  It honestly beggars belief. On top of that, there have been groups of people who have been consistently excluded from all of this because their beauty was not recognised. Yup, I’m talking black and indigenous people who have not even been part of this beauty rat race because we were considered a bit sub-human to participate. I digress. What I’m getting at is that this constant change highlights the arbitrary nature of beauty standards.  If you’re not careful, you could end up spending your life reshaping yourself to chase a moving target, never quite reaching the ever-evolving ideal. (Sounds expensive!) Needless to say that this inconsistency leaves women feeling perpetually inadequate. Fake News Media Of course I was going to come after the media! Traditional media and advertising have become masters of manipulation, shoving unrealistic body types down our throats for decades!  Through airbrushing, clever camera angles, and carefully chosen models, magazines showcase flawless women who often represent a tiny fraction of the population.  Television bombards us with celebrities who have access to personal trainers, stylists, and cosmetic procedures.  And in the case of most, like the Kardashians, we hardly ever see them before their “glam” is done.  This curated perfection creates a false reality, making it easy to develop a distorted perception of what a “normal” woman’s body should look like.  And for black and brown people, it’s even worse, because there were hardly any representations for us to look up to. It was as though we were invisible!  (Look at any teen movie from the early 2000s. All white casts. Maybe a token black side kick). This media mirage breeds feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, fueling the pressure to conform to a standard that’s simply unattainable for most. How to Kill Body Confidence: A Case Study on Social Media As if striving to match the unrealistic ideals of beauty wasn’t bad enough back in the day (I’m looking at you, eyebrow-less Mona Lisa!), social media has thrown gasoline on the fire.  Today, perfectly curated online personas with flawless features and filtered physiques bombard us constantly.  It’s a hyper-accelerated version of the pressure to conform, leaving us comparing ourselves to unrealistic portrayals of our own contemporaries. Altered Reality Social media has become a breeding ground for unrealistic beauty standards, fueled heavily by the rampant use of filters and editing tools.  Platforms allow users to reshape their jawlines, smooth away blemishes, and alter body proportions with just a few taps.  The result?  A distorted perception of reality that bombards us daily.  These heavily edited images paint a picture of flawless complexions and unattainable body types, creating a false standard that most people simply cannot live up to.  This constant exposure to an airbrushed reality can warp our perception of natural beauty, making us hyper-critical of our own unedited features. I won’t lie – many years ago, before I went on my self-development arc – I tried using these photo-editing apps. (I was unsuccessful because I’m bad with this kind of stuff and