The Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Journey​

The Fundamental of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Personal Journey Becoming a mother changes you in profound ways. But for me, it wasn’t the glowing transformation of joy that social media likes to portray. When I gave birth to my twins, I experienced what felt like a complete unravelling of everything I thought I knew about myself.  It wasn’t just the sleepless nights or the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two new lives. Rather, I felt as if every unresolved part of my past came rushing to the surface all at once. Every hurt, every defense mechanism, and every suppressed feeling began demanding my attention.  It was terrifying, disorienting, and left me spiralling into a 14-month depression—a depression I didn’t even recognize until I began clawing my way out of it. But my breaking point also became my turning point.  Through a lot of hard, messy work, I’ve come to understand that I wasn’t broken or defective. What I was experiencing was the aftermath of complex trauma, and I now know that it’s not only possible to heal from it, but that the process of healing can lead to a richer, more authentic life.  In this post, I want to share the fundamentals of complex trauma in adults—what it is, how it manifests, and why it’s so often overlooked. And for those in the thick of it, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. Let’s go! What is Complex Trauma? It wouldn’t be a “fundamentals of complex trauma in adults” if I didn’t try to give some sort of definition of complex trauma. Complex trauma isn’t about a single, catastrophic event.  Instead, it arises from prolonged exposure to emotionally or psychologically harmful environments, often during formative years. It’s rooted in relationships, particularly those where trust and safety should exist but don’t.  Unlike the “big T” Traumas, such as one-off natural disasters or violent assaults, complex trauma is cumulative and insidious, often involving neglect, emotional invalidation, or manipulation.  Here’s how I like to think about it:  Big T events are things that happen to you when they shouldn’t. Little T traumas often involve things that don’t happen when they should—like the absence of love, respect, attention, security, reliability, or safety.  Sometimes, complex trauma can be a combination of both big T and little T trauma. (Yikes!)   Over time, these repeated absences can have the same or even greater effects as big T trauma. This is because they are subtle, hard to detect, and often invalidated or overlooked by others. For many of us, it’s easy to downplay our experiences. My childhood, for instance, seemed perfectly adequate on the surface. I was well provided for materially, and from the outside, my family appeared stable.  But beneath that veneer were years of emotional neglect and dysfunction—parents who could be invalidating, neglectful, and emotionally absent. These experiences taught me to people-please, to fear confrontation, and to internalise a sense of unworthiness. I was super confused, for years, around why I just couldn’t get my sh*t together. Characteristics & Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults Educating yourself about the characteristics of complex trauma is often the first step to healing.  Understanding how these traits may have developed as responses to certain elements in your formative years can help alleviate the confusion, self-blame, and anger you might feel.  My Complex Trauma Bible is Tim Fletcher’s “60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma“, which provides a comprehensive framework for understanding how it impacts adults. He has a series on YouTube as well. It’s changed my life! Here, I’ll highlight some key ways it showed up in my life and how it might manifest for others: 1. Emotional Dysregulation For years, I felt like my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. Either that, or I’m completely shut down – robot style.  I’d swing between anxiety, sadness, and determination in a short period. Small frustrations, like a rude comment or an unexpected change in plans, could leave me spiralling for hours or days.  This emotional volatility is the one thing that bonds all of us complex trauma people together. We just don’t know how to regulate our emotions! How could we? We were never taught (but it’s not too late).  2. People-Pleasing and Fear of Conflict Growing up, there was only room for my father’s anger and demands in the house. So, I learned that avoiding conflict was safer than asserting my needs.  As an adult, this translated into people-pleasing behaviours: Saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” Changing my character, accent, and entire personality depending on the person. Bending over backwards to avoid upsetting others (which sometimes involved manipulation!).    The very thought of confrontation could leave me paralysed with fear. 3. Hypervigilance Are you an Empath/ Highly Sensitive Person? Well, you might have complex trauma! Complex trauma keeps you on high alert, constantly scanning for potential threats. It’s a body’s nervous system trying to figure out fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses. So, I’d replay conversations in my head, analysing every word for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval. And eventually, I became a “highly sensitive person” or “empath“.  Not someone who would cry at the drop of the hat (this was not allowed in my childhood home). But rather someone who could infer how a person felt from a simple look or micro-expression.  People admired this about me. “Wow, you’re so perceptive!” But damn, what a price to pay for being observant.  This hyper-awareness is exhausting and makes it very difficult to relax. 4. Sense of Inferiority No matter how many external achievements I racked up—from academic successes to professional milestones—I couldn’t shake the belief that I was fundamentally “less than.”  Whether I based it on my race and ethnicity, or my gender, or my nationality – you name it, I was feeling less than. Sure, there’s a component of social hierarchies, structural racism, and actual discrimination going on.  But because I didn’t have a strong enough sense of self, I

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement We live in a world that values comfort, self-expression, and freedom. Just joking. Many of us women feel pressured to slip on a bra every morning. This modern-day corset has become such a part of our daily routine that we don’t even question it as one of the subtle signs of the patriarchy. But when you begin to examine the history and deeper implications of bras, you realise just how entrenched they are in beauty standards and the male gaze. It’s about more than just “support”—it’s about who decides what’s acceptable for women’s bodies. (And it ain’t the woman, as we’ve seen time and again). One day, it dawned on me that I genuinely didn’t enjoy wearing bras, and I finally felt safe enough to go outside without one. (More on that later). That was a turning point. Since then, I’ve chosen to go braless, except for sports. And honestly? I don’t want to go back. To add to my little experiment, my husband decided to wear a bra to understand what all the fuss was about. (More on that later, too). Needless to say, I’m embarking on a de-patriarchisation of the mind. A mental bra-burning movement, if you will.  Read on and share your thoughts. From Corsets to Bras: A Continuum of Body Control Looking back, it’s strange to think that corsets were once everyday wear for women. From the Renaissance to the 20th century, it’s what fashionable, well-to-do women wore for 500 years! (Give or take). Imagine squeezing yourself into something so tight you could barely breathe! (I suppose a lot of women do this with shapewear now? I’ve never tried). But those contraptions shaped women’s bodies, literally rearranging their internal organs to fit this narrow, “ideal” form.  And for what?  Certainly not for comfort or health.  Like a shapely vase, corsets were for display, to create a silhouette that pleased the eyes of men and society. Women were the objects. Silent, agreeable pieces of movable beauty (that were also f*ckable).  A Reductionist History of Strapping our Breasts to our Chests When bras became mainstream around the turn of the 20th century, they were hailed as more “liberating”.  But now I wonder, were they really that different?  Sure, they didn’t crush our torsos, but the principle remains the same. Shape yourself to be attractive, because her appearance is all the currency a woman has. They’re the same tool of control, just in a different package.  Honestly, in principle, it’s not too different to foot-binding in ancient China, where women’s feet were tightly bound to create this “ideal” look. (And whether it’s bras or feet, it seems like the “ideal” was rather juvenile). It’s all about manipulating ourselves to be perfect brides. And, in this way, what we were doing to our bodies fitted perfectly with what we were doing to our minds. Bras and the Male Gaze For the longest time, I didn’t think twice about bras.  Like many women, I excitedly started wearing bras as a pre-teen because it symbolised “being a woman”, more grown-up than my flat-chested girlfirends.  But as I thought about it more, I began to realise that the expectation to wear bras isn’t a natural law. It’s a patriarchal law. And just because the majority think it’s the way to do something, it doesn’t make it true, or beneficial. After all, it took humanity centuries to accept that the sun, not Earth, is at the center of our planetary system.  The whole idea that breasts should look a certain way, that they must be lifted and hidden, isn’t a choice most of us arrive at on our own.  It’s a deeply ingrained belief that our natural bodies are wrong if they deviate from society’s idea of perfection.  Undiagnosed Social Perfectionism And that perfection, in itself, is an inherently unreachable standard. We will always be considered too-something, despite all our efforts. Too fat, thin, too natural, too made-up. Too-something. It’s why the cosmetics, diet and plastic surgery industries are so prevalent. For years decades, I internalised that message. I didn’t even think about it. I was totally blended with the way things were. Too in it to realise that I was swimming in poop.  It was only when I began therapy and decided that I was the only person I needed to please—with my body, my thoughts, and my life—that I started questioning all the things I’d been doing automatically to participate in an unspoken “mating game” where men hold all the power. I’m not willing to subscribe to that anymore. The Feminist Rebellion – The Bra Burners of the Past When I started learning more about feminism, I discovered that women in the 1960s and 70s had already started questioning these norms. So yes, it’s not a Millennial/ Gen-Z fad. (Although, more on that later). You might have heard about “bra-burning feminism.”  The reality is, women didn’t actually burn their bras en masse, but they did throw them away as a symbolic act of rebellion.  It was their way of rejecting the expectations around their bodies and reclaiming their comfort and agency. For those women, discarding bras was about saying, “My body is my own, and I don’t need to fit anyone else’s standard.” And even though I feel like we’ve come a long way, bras are still largely unquestioned today. We may not be wearing corsets, but many of us still wear bras just because it’s “normal.”  For me, going braless has become a quiet act of reclaiming that comfort and authenticity. It’s a small thing, but every day, it reminds me that I don’t have to shape myself to fit anyone else’s expectations. A Mental Bra-Burning Movement What do we all do when we get home? Sometimes, before I even take my shoes off, I’m unclipping my bra and taking it off through my clothes.  They don’t make me feel comfortable or good about myself. Sure, I liked the way my boobs look in them, but that’s

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research Despite growing up in South Africa, where hair extensions are almost universally worn by black girls and women, I only really tried hair extensions well into adulthood. As someone with an Ethiopian family, it just wasn’t our zeitgeist.  But once the mood to experiment with colour and length without dyeing or cutting my hair struck me, there was only really one option.  So, I became part of the growing number of Black women who have embraced synthetic hair extensions. I loved how I looked with them. They gave me a break from the time-consuming upkeep of my natural hair and allowed me to switch up my style whenever I wanted.  But one day, as I was packing our things to move homes, I noticed a silky-haired wig at the back of my closet.  And a question occurred to me: “Are hair extensions harmful?” I wondered.  And then many more: “Does the weight of the extensions damage my roots? Do they hurt my scalp? Why are they so itchy sometimes?” Here are my findings from that Google rabbit hole… Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Hair? Have you ever experienced that dull, persistent headache after getting a fresh install? The tight pulling at your scalp as your hair is braided, often tighter than necessary to “make it last”? It’s not just discomfort—it’s your body telling you something is wrong. Traction alopecia, a condition where hair is pulled from the root, is no joke. It’s common among women who wear their hair in tight styles like braids, weaves, or even buns for extended periods of time.  When hair is pulled repeatedly, especially with the added weight of synthetic extensions, it can lead to permanent hair loss. Most black women I know opt for the tightly pulled look because it lasts long (4-6 weeks) and is a whole lot neater than a looser braid.  Personally, I have a very low threshold for discomfort. I always did my extensions myself, and redid them when they felt a bit tight. But the trade-off is that mine didn’t last nearly as long.  But there are plenty of older black women with little patches of thinning hair at their temples and a receding hairline, likely from tightly pulling hairstyles.  So, it turns out that what we’ve called “protective styles” often leads to damaging our hair. Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Health? Whether you had a tight braid or a looser variety, extensions make it hard to sleep. But it’s worse if it’s tight. I’m sure many of you can relate—tossing and turning with a tight, uncomfortable scalp, trying to find a way to rest without pulling on your hair. Even once the pain reduces, there is still the matter of trying to sleep with this massive volume of hair on the back of your head. Whether you tie a top knot or tie it downwards, it still affects how you can sleep, both by its positioning and the weight it carries. Discomfort, lack of sleep, and the stress of maintaining extensions add up. And there wasn’t an easy solution. Not wearing extensions (and all the maintenance that comes with that) caused me as much anxiety as wearing them did. But in the world of the black woman, it’s often a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. New Research: The Hidden Chemicals in Synthetic Hair Extensions (!!!) But I knew all that.  This is what made my chuck our all my extensions and wigs. New research has begun to reveal how synthetic hair extensions are often treated with chemicals that may be harmful to our health.  Recent studies have found that many of these extensions contain chemicals like  phthalates (a reproductive disrupter),  volatile organic compounds (VOCs) (damages the central nervous system),  acrylonitrile (skin and respiratory issues), and  vinyl chloride (carcinogen: linked to liver cancer).    These wonderful chemicals are found in most synthetic fibers like Kanekalon. and are often absorbed through the scalp, especially when heat is applied during styling, or when the extensions are worn for long periods. Moreover, synthetic extensions release extra VOCs during heat styling, potentially aggravating respiratory conditions like asthma, especially in black communities already vulnerable to health disparities.  These findings point to an urgent need for better consumer protection and more research on the long-term effects of synthetic hair extensions. The lack of regulation allows these toxins to continue being used despite their risks.  (We’ll come back to regulation and trusting the government on health matters later). Cultural Mistrust of Research: Why We Have to Do Our Own Homework As Black women, we’ve often been the last to benefit from scientific research, and sometimes, we’ve been unwilling participants. From the ‘doctor’, now named ‘the father of gynaecology’, who purchased black slave women to experiment on to Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cancer cells was taken without consent by Johns Hopkins, there’s a long history of Black people, particularly Black women, being mistreated or entirely ignored by the research community. This historical exploitation leads many of us to mistrust medical professionals and researchers—and honestly, with good reason. When was the last time you saw a major beauty brand release information specifically about the long-term health effects of the products we use daily, especially those marketed to Black women? We’re left to do our own research, trying to decipher ingredient lists that are confusing at best and intentionally misleading at worst. It’s an added burden that falls disproportionately on us.  We’re responsible for keeping ourselves informed, asking the hard questions about what we’re putting on our heads—and by extension, what’s seeping into our bodies. That’s why I decided to stop using synthetic hair extensions altogether.  It was a hard choice.  Like many of you, I love the versatility, the ease, and the beauty of the styles I could achieve with extensions. But once I knew the risks, I couldn’t justify continuing.  For me, the potential damage to my health—and the health of my loved ones—just wasn’t worth it. The Pressure to Have “Good

Female Friendships in Your 30s: A Surprising Shift

There’s something about entering your 30s that shifts the landscape of female friendships. Relationships you once held close might start to feel misaligned. While the women you once thought were uninteresting now seem to be exactly who you need in your life. Despite only barely entering my 30s, I’ve experienced this transition firsthand. As I’ve worked through complex trauma and healed parts of myself, I’ve noticed the types of friendships I gravitate toward are changing. Where I once felt drawn to dynamics filled with competition and mind-games, I now find myself seeking women who offer a sense of emotional safety, health, and authenticity. This shift isn’t just limited to me. Many women in their 30s and 40s are experiencing the same thing. And it’s not just because women are saddled with childbearing responsibilities and can’t maintain friendships. But also because it’s a time of profound self-reflection, healing, and changing priorities. This, quite naturally, impacts our relationships. So, why do female friendships in your 30s feel so different? We’ll explore the reasons behind the transformation, and how embracing the change can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections. Shifting Priorities and Values in Your 30s A big part of this shift in female friendships in your 30s has to do with changing priorities and values.  In your 20s, friendships may have been formed around shared experiences or external validation. Maybe you were focused on socialising, professional ambition, or fitting into certain social circles. But as we move into our 30s, there’s a natural realignment. For many women, this decade marks the beginning of deeper introspection.  What used to matter—being in the “right” social crowd, keeping up appearances, or maintaining surface-level connections—starts to fade in importance. Instead, we look for friendships that offer emotional depth, vulnerability, and mutual growth. I’ve personally found that I’m no longer interested in friendships that revolve around competitive energy or shallow conversations.  Instead, I’m drawn to women with a certain effortlessness about them. The ones not trying to impress. Who are comfortable in their own skin, expressing their own views, and following their true desires. What’s so special about your 30s? This shift in values can happen as a result of many things. And of course, it may not occur for everyone.  For most, it’s a combination of events, relationships, and introspection.  By the time we’re in our 30s, we’ve probably: experienced a few failed romantic relationships and friendships, navigated work relationships and responsibilities, begun understanding what brings us meaning and joy in our work and private lives, had, started trying, or begun planning to have children. Alternatively, you might be struggling to have children or decided not to have children, expended a lot of energy navigating the patriarchy.   I suspect that many of you reading this are introspective by nature. So, these events and situations are likely to catalyse a lot of self-reflection about what it means to be in this world. And with reflection often comes a desire for increased authenticity. And that has a lot of implications for our friendships. Letting Go of Toxic Female Friendship in Your 30s As we grow, it becomes clear that certain friendship dynamics no longer serve us.  These could be friendships that once centered around competition (think: frenemies), poor communication, reckless behaviour (drinking, drugs, excessive partying), or other maladaptive aspects.  But while letting go of these relationships can be painful, it’s a crucial part of personal growth. In my 20s, I gravitated towards women who mirrored my unresolved trauma in ways I wasn’t yet conscious of. These included friends where competition was disguised as camaraderie, party-friends, or imbalanced, superior-inferior friendships. I now see very clearly how these relationships reflected my unhealed parts. It’s common for women in their 30s to start distancing themselves from friendships that thrive on gossip, comparison, or emotional games. While the process of ending these relationships can feel bittersweet, it’s often a necessary step toward creating space for healthier connections. The good news? Letting go of toxic dynamics opens the door to friendships that are rooted in genuine respect, kindness, and emotional maturity. Embracing Healthier, More Authentic Friendships The shift towards healthier friendships can feel like a breath of fresh air. But it can also feel strange or unfamiliar. For me, the women I once viewed as “boring” are now the ones I’m gravitating towards. This explains why and how we are only attracted to people on our level of emotional health. When we change our emotional health, we change our relationships, too. My new friends may not be the loudest, edgiest, or the most attention-seeking, but they bring something much more valuable to the table: emotional safety, wisdom, and authentic connection. These new friendships are built on a foundation of authenticity and genuine care and interest in each others’ lives. We offer support without judgment. And that is so healing in today’s day and age.  This is the beauty of evolving friendships in your 30s—women show up for each other in ways that promote collective healing and personal development. Mourning the Old, Finding the New Of course, it’s not always easy to navigate this shift in friendships. There’s often a mourning process involved as we let go of relationships that once felt significant but now feel misaligned. It’s important to acknowledge that grieving the loss of old friendships is normal. Friendships, like all relationships, carry emotional weight, and distancing yourself from someone you once cared for can feel difficult.  However, this mourning process is part of honouring your own needs – a significant part of embracing growth. By allowing space for sadness or discomfort, you also create space for new, healthier relationships to enter your life. But, where to find these new, like-minded women?  As our values change, it can feel daunting to seek out friendships that align with our new selves.  But with some intentionality, it’s absolutely possible!  Whether through shared interests, online communities, or spaces that promote introspection and healing, finding women who resonate with your new self is an important

Understanding Toddler Separation Anxiety At School

Like many parents, hubby and I were looking forward to the start of the new school year.  The girls would be away from Monday to Friday, doing fun, stimulating things, and eating a wider variety of foods.  (Our toddlers had regressed to a diet of French fries and sparkling water after an indulgent summer with their grandparents).  We even imagined that after a month of lax structures and endless adventure (including a flight back to the UK), that our girls might actually welcome the stability that came with a back-to-school routine.  Man, were we in for a rude awakening!  Our drop-offs were so dramatic and horrible that I often ended up crying. Sometimes in the car, while hubby stared out into the void, shell-shocked in his own right. A couple of times in the reception area in full view of other horrified parents.   But here we are, 3 weeks of morning dread later. But thankfully, it wasn’t all for nothing. I’ve got a few sage words for ye struggling parents facing toddler separation anxiety at school.  So, in this post, I’ll be covering:  Tips on how to handle their emotions, How to handle your feelings, and How to decide whether there is something more worrying going on  But first, a note –  Toddler Separation Anxiety at School: Adjusting Expectations We put our girls in nursery for the first time last year, a month before their second birthday.  The school had a gradual, week-long adaptation process. And by the end of that week, our girls were at school for the full day (~9:00 – 17:30). During that year, there were a few tearful goodbyes here and there, but there were also many confident they-didn’t-even-look-back drop-offs.  And when it came to this year, herein was our first mistake.  Expecting that they would pick up where they left off. Here are a few of our false assumptions: Past Performance is NOT a Prediction of Future Performance They were fine at the end of last year. They will be fine picking up where they left off.  The holidays may not affect your little one’s return to school if you’re lucky. But they can also be a major reset in terms of their expectations for how they think their day is about to go. This is especially true if you spent the entire holiday together, doing fun stuff. Suddenly going back to school may be a shock to the system. Separation anxiety is only for younger kids.  While many parenting sites talk about separation anxiety as a phase that most kids go through around 8 months of age, toddler separation anxiety at school is also extremely common. It is also not a developmental failure of the parents. As the toddler matures, they should also be more emotional independence. While toddler development may be happening leaps and bounds both physically and with their language, they are also becoming more emotionally aware. This means that everything hits them harder (think of the tantrums), including goodbyes. If they’re in the hands of good caregivers who can help them regulate emotionally afterwards, they should calm down within a few minutes. Toddler Separation Anxiety at School: A Decision Tree When we dropped our twin toddlers at school, there were a lot of feelings flying around.  At drop-offs, they would cry, hold onto us/ our clothes, scream, beg, and even kick/ hit their teachers. And us? Well, I already admitted to being a puddle of tears. But we also felt a lot of guilt and concern around whether we were doing lasting complex trauma-type damage to our children.  So, during week 2 when things did not look like they were getting any better, we decided to sit down and map out our options.  It looked something like this: The Disaster Drop-off Decision Tree You’re very welcome to use this decision tree to map out your own options with your toddlers, but bear in mind a few things.  First, the educators/ caregivers at your school need to be people you trust. If they tell you that your child is doing fine after 10 minutes at the school, you should be able to believe them. If not, and depending on where the mistrust comes from, you’d either get your kid out of that school or work on your trust issues. And second, this decision tree presupposes that you have a good-enough relationship with your toddler. In other words, that they are comfortable enough in your presence to show or tell you about their real emotions. If not, you won’t know whether they are improving or whether they are simply too afraid to tell you they’re not. How to Handle Big Emotions We were told, repeatedly, that our girls were happy less than 10 minutes after drop-off. But that didn’t help us a lot.  Our parting memories of leaving them at school for the day were of our children, panicked and tear-stained, begging us not to go. And that can be very tough to process for us adults, even if we know intellectually that they are in good hands.  Here’s how to help your toddler feel more safe and calm your own emotions, too. Helping Your Toddler Feel Safe Our biggest mistake, perhaps, was not adequately preparing them for school after the holidays. We somehow did not register the enormity of the change for our twins.  In fact, the first couple of days after school, their whole personalities seemed to change. One of them seemed a bit spaced out (not her character at all). While the other seemed to have some strong anger towards us (also unusual).  We worked through their confusion, anger, sadness, and more over the week. And things eventually got back to normal. But that was a bit of a shock for us. Now, we let them know in advance that “tomorrow you’ll be going to school”. And that, even though it might be hard at first, they always have lots of fun. (Self-reported fun, we’re not gaslighting them!). We also

Women, Belly Breathing, & the Male Gaze

A couple weeks ago, as I was waiting for my husband and daughters at the airport, I noticed something interesting.  A lot of the young women coming through Arrivals had stiff, straight abdomens. Their tummies weren’t moving when they breathed, just their chests.  It took me back to a memory from my pre-teen years. Those volatile, impressionable years where many parts of our lives can be susceptible to societal hijack. Especially true of young girls.  The memory was of me making a conscious decision to try to chest breathe instead of belly breathe. I didn’t want to be caught with my belly ballooning out. Like, ever. So, in an effort to look slim and appear more beautiful (to strangers, I guess?), I began my journey into chest breathing. I had since made a conscious reverse-decision to deeply belly breathe no matter what.   But it got me wondering about what other subtle signs of patriarchy might be out there if something as fundamental as the way we breathe can be shaped by societal standards. In this post, we’ll explore the connection between chest breathing, fat-shaming, and unrealistic beauty standards, all framed by the influence of the patriarchy.  For many women, belly breathing—though healthier—has been subtly discouraged as a way of controlling female bodies to align with the male gaze.  Let’s start with the basics… What Is Belly Breathing, and Why Is It Healthier? Belly breathing (also known as diaphragmatic breathing) is the natural, optimal way to breathe. When you belly breathe, you engage your diaphragm fully, allowing your lungs to expand to their full capacity.  This provides a deeper intake of oxygen, slows your heart rate, and triggers your body’s relaxation response, also known as the parasympathetic nervous system. In contrast, chest breathing is more shallow. It often occurs when we’re stressed, anxious, or holding tension in our bodies—conditions that many women experience regularly.  Chest breathing can also be a symptom of engaging the sympathetic nervous system, living in survival mode or being in fight or flight. Over time, many women start chest breathing unconsciously, and the calming benefits of belly breathing are left behind. Benefits of Belly Breathing: Increased oxygen intake: With deeper breaths, you allow more oxygen into your system, supporting overall physical and mental health. Stress reduction: Belly breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and reducing anxiety. Improved core strength: It engages the core muscles, contributing to better posture and even reducing the risk of injury. Better emotional regulation: Deep breathing helps you stay grounded and calm, a critical skill in dealing with daily stressors.   So if belly breathing is so good for us, why aren’t more women doing it? Why Aren’t Women Belly Breathing? While my little-girl self made a conscious choice to chest-breathe rather than belly breathe, many girls and women are conditioned to chest breathe without even realising it.  For decades, women have been told, directly and indirectly, that their value is linked to how thin or small they can make their bodies appear. (Isn’t that just a beautifully apt way for how the patriarchy tries to minimise females into submission?). And one of the ways we internalise this message is by sucking in our stomachs to create the illusion of slimness. Over time, this leads to habitual chest breathing, as our stomachs are constantly held in rather than allowed to expand naturally during breath. And while this is 100% anecdotal, I’m convinced this is true for maaaany women out there.  The Pressure to Have a “Flat Stomach” Think about the last time you saw a woman with a relaxed, soft belly in a magazine ad.  Rarely, if ever, right?  Media, fashion, and even social media have glorified the image of a perfectly flat stomach. Never mind that this isn’t a realistic or healthy expectation for most of us.  Fat-shaming—the negative stigma attached to having fat on our bodies—compounds this issue, as we’re made to feel ashamed of our natural bodies. Even health movements are often co-opted to promote fat loss, rather than true health, leaving us with the belief that any hint of a round stomach is unacceptable.  This pervasive beauty standard doesn’t just affect how we look at ourselves in the mirror. It shapes how we move, sit, stand, and even breathe. The Patriarchy Discourages Women Belly Breathing At the heart of this phenomenon is *drumroll* THE PATRIARCHY! A system that has historically controlled women’s bodies to align with the expectations of men. By discouraging belly breathing—whether consciously or unconsciously—society subtly enforces the idea that our bodies should be small, quiet, and controlled. The Role of Fatphobia in Policing Women’s Bodies As women, we are constantly told to shrink ourselves. This doesn’t just apply to weight but extends to how we occupy physical and social spaces.  Fatphobia, the systemic fear and stigmatisation of fat bodies, ensures that, as women, we are encouraged to take up as little space as possible.  By chest breathing, we avoid expanding our bodies, minimising our presence and reinforcing the idea that our value comes from being thin, pleasant to men, and unobtrusive. Control Over Women’s Bodies for Male Approval When we trace this issue back to its root, we find the influence of the male gaze—the notion that women’s appearances and actions are primarily evaluated through a lens of male approval.  A flat stomach, even to the point of inhibiting natural breathing, is often considered more attractive by societal standards. Think about the centuries of corset-wearing women did! This leads to us women being socially conditioned to prioritse aesthetics over our own well-being. #Shoutout to ShapeWear! Even when it affects something as fundamental as our breath.   But this isn’t just about vanity.  It’s about control.  Women are taught to constantly monitor and adjust their bodies, leaving little room for autonomy and authenticity.  So, the simple act of letting your belly expand during a breath becomes a form of rebellion. Ridiculous, I know, but also true.  Women belly breathing is a declaration that our bodies are not meant

A Safe Space for Black Women | Chai & Sunshine

When starting Chai & Sunshine, I looked up many successful blogs for inspiration. Cup of Jo and The Blonde Abroad were of particular interest for the aesthetic and the engagement.  But I subconsciously imbibed something else from my blogging research.  That to be successful, I should keep things light.  To be successful, I should keep things white. My blog should be about design and style, with curated images and clever, non-threatening humour.  But as I work through my own unlearning – including internalised racism and misogyny – I realise that what I want to talk about and create is not just another “white woman blog”.  I do not want to be a minor character in my own creation.  What I want to create is a safe space for authenticity, starting with myself. I want to create a safe space for black women, which means a safe space for all women, which means a safe space for everyone. I want to create space for us to exist as our whole selves. And I want to do this intentionally. Not when it’s convenient. Not as a “nice to have”.  So, I’m going to be redoing the categories on this blog to better reflect me my actual values.  And it will be unapologetic. Say it unapologetically What I feel x My values = Say it unapologetically I came across this equation today and fell in love.  As part of the childhood trauma club, it’s been a long journey to figuring out how I actually feel about things. Historically, I have only concerned myself with how others feel and how I was supposed to feel in reaction to that to avoid conflict.  When I started on the journey of authenticity, it would take me a couple of weeks before I could identify what that twinge in my tummy meant. I’ve gotten that down to a few minutes now.  Not knowing what I truly felt about things meant that I also didn’t know what my values were. I certainly could not tell you whether I valued myself. But there were clear indications that I did not value myself very highly.  Understanding how I truly feel about things, and working through questions around my intrinsic value as a human being have helped me grow immensely in confidence.  A year ago, I would have not had the confidence to unapologetically say:  I am created a safe space for black women on my blog.  And I don’t care about being everything to everybody anymore.  Don’t try to be everything to everybody Are you a people-pleaser?  Well, name 3 people who are pleased with you.  As a veteran people-pleaser, I have a duty to inform the active-duty people-pleasers that it is a senseless quest you embark on. My blog so far has been trying to cater to the feelings of everyone. Mainly women.  But not saying anything about my experience as a black, African, woman, that may make anyone else feel excluded or uncomfortable.  But in censoring such integral parts of myself, I wasn’t being authentic.  And we aren’t about that anymore.  So, while everyone is and always will be welcome, I will also be specifically expressing my experiences as a black woman.  Final Thoughts My journey through to finally allowing myself to take up space is sweet and beautiful.  It’s like I can finally see myself – the core of personality beneath all the trauma responses I had adopted to survive.  Join me on this ride into realness, y’all. 

How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent (and Enjoy Your Kids)

I’m writing this “how to stop being a perfectionist parent” post specifically for my husband, knowing full well that he will likely never read it.  The topic came up yesterday.  “I feel like we’re failing,” he told me, out of the blue. “The house is always a mess, we never give them proper meals, and they watch too much TV.” “Wow,” I thought. “He sounds just like my inner voice from back when I was depressed.” But thanks to that horrendous PPD experience, I knew exactly what was going on with my otherwise carefree hubby.  So, I told him.  “You’re being too perfectionistic,” I said. “You’re holding yourself up to unrealistic standards and feeling terrible about a problem that isn’t really there.” He nodded. “I agree,” he said. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Because, unfortunately, diagnosing the problem and knowing how to fix it are two different things. So, this post is my way of deciphering how I was able to stop being a perfectionist parent and actually enjoy my kids.  Then, I’ll report back to my husband because he’s yet to read a full Chai and Sunshine article. And, in the meantime, I hope it helps you, too. 8 Signs of a Perfectionist Parent Before we dive into how to stop being a perfectionist parent, we need to understand the myriad ways perfectionism can manifest. Only once we understand the common signs of a perfectionist parent can we do something about it. And for anyone in denial or doubt, read these signs out to your spouse, co-parent, or kids. Ask if they recognise these behaviours in you. It might not be pleasant, but it’s the first step in lasting change. Here are 8 signs of a perfectionist parent.  Note: these tendencies can be either self-directed (not feeling like a good enough parent) or directed at the child (being hard on them so they can reach your high standards). You might find that it’s a little bit of both. You also don’t need to tick off all 8 signs to make some changes. 1. Unrealistic Expectations Setting unrealistic and often unattainable standards for yourself or your child. Not taking into account the present resources or abilities when setting these goals.  2. Constant Criticism Frequent or constant self-criticism for your perceived parenting shortcomings (or the “shortcomings” of your child). Focusing on your children’s mistakes rather than their accomplishments. 3. Comparing/ Competing with Others When you do set unattainable goals and standards, it’s often image-related or superficial. You may also compare your reality to what you see of other parents and their children. This may leave you feeling inadequate. 4. Fear of Failure/ Excessive Pressure You may have an outsized idea of what the consequences of anything less-than-perfect may result in. For example, “you will never find friends if you’re always looking so scruffy!” You may also have an unhealthy fixation on past mistakes. 5. Over Involvement/ Micromanagement Directing your kids’ or co-parent’s every action. Getting involved in their lives on a granular level. 6. Ignoring Emotional Needs Prioritising achievements and portraying a “perfect” image over the emotional needs of you or your child(ren). 7. Lack of Spontaneity No room for creativity or relaxation. Rigid rules and schedules for you and/or your family dominate your life. (E.g. nap times, dinner times, eating schedules or menus).  8. Living Through the Child Think “Dance Moms” or “Pageant Moms”. Projecting your unfulfilled dreams onto your child(ren).   Why It’s NOT Easy to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Breaking free from the grip of perfectionist parenting can be really challenging. (It sure was for me!) At its core, it’s deeply rooted in the desire to provide the best possible life for our children. But the fear of making mistakes or falling short can be paralysing. This often results in the very opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, reigniting the cycle of perfectionist control all over again.  But what makes perfectionism really hard to get rid of is that it’s often intertwined with our own self-worth. Because perfectionist parents often lack a strong internal compass, they are more susceptible to adopting external standards. This means striving for what society deems as excellent rather than listening to your own needs or those of your child. It may also mean getting caught in a cycle of comparison. We look at other parents and their seemingly perfect children, forgetting that everyone faces challenges behind closed doors. This often stems from various factors, including childhood trauma, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, insecure attachment styles, or underlying issues like undiagnosed OCD or other anxiety-related conditions. Breaking free requires awareness and a shift in perspective. It means learning to build authentic relationships with yourself and your children, rather than relating to yourself and them solely through achievements. How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Societal pressures to achieve, coupled with personal insecurities, often fuel the perfectionist mindset. Additionally, it’s difficult to let go of the illusion of control. As parents, we crave the ability to shape our children’s futures, and perfectionism can feel like a way to exert that control.  The first step to overcoming these perfectionist tendencies is therefore self-awareness. Keep a diary of your thoughts and behaviours, paying close attention to all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophising tendencies.  Like when my husband said that we were “failing” because “the house is always a mess” and “we never give them proper meals”. These cognitive distortions often magnify the consequences of imperfections.  Along with this self-awareness, I recommend practicing deep curiosity about the roots of your perfectionism. Does your perfectionist inner voice sound uncomfortably similar to that of a critical caregiver?  Or maybe by aiming for perfection you’re subconsciously seeking validation from an absent or emotionally distant caregiver. Understanding these underlying drivers is crucial for breaking free from the perfectionist cycle. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process. A trained therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies for managing perfectionistic tendencies.  By working through past experiences and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can gradually release the grip of perfectionism

In Defence of Gentle Parenting (and Why it’s Not Working for You)

Gentle parenting. It’s what my generation of parents – the millennials – have turned to as the gold standard. But for some reason, it’s controversial amoung childless boomers like talk show host Bill Maher, who spent 10 minutes calling for the return of “trad dads” and comparing parenting to blow jobs.  Yuck. But these insensitive boomer mofos are the exact reason why we’re all in therapy.  So, in defence of gentle parenting, here’s my take on why it might not be “working” for some of you. What is Gentle Parenting? Gentle parenting is focused on building a strong, loving connection with your child while setting clear, consistent boundaries. It’s about responding to your child’s emotions with empathy, patience, and respect. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards, gentle parenting emphasises positive discipline, co-operation, and problem-solving. Can you imagine: a child with strong inherent self-worth? It’s creating a safe space for your child to learn, grow, and develop into a confident, compassionate individual. And also about creating a safe enough space for your children to come to you in times of trouble. Essentially, gentle parenting is about treating your child with the same respect and understanding you’d hope to receive. What’s so controversial about that? Principles and Characteristics of Gentle Parenting (with Examples) Now, the only reason I imagine people not agreeing with gentle parenting is because they didn’t have gentle parents themselves. And their inner critic wants to make sure everyone else gets the same harsh treatment they received. Here are some principles and characteristics of what gentle parenting means on a practical level. 1. Your Child is their Own Person Perhaps the most important principle for me: realsing your child is their own person with their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  They are not merely an under-developed human waiting to be moulded by you into your ideal version of what a child is to be. Respecting this, and respecting their interests and feelings is paramount to raising healthy human beings. 2. Emotional Validation Understanding and validating your child’s feelings is so key. Instead of dismissing emotions like anger or frustration, gentle parenting means parents listen actively and offer comfort.  For example, if a child is upset, even if you don’t think it’s logical, a gentle parent might say, “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way.”  We also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big feelings.  3. Respectful Communication Treating your child with respect, even when they’re challenging, sets your kid up to trust you, have a strong sense of worth, and be respectful all at once. This involves using kind and respectful language, explaining reasons behind decisions, and inviting your child to share their perspective. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop it!” (or worse), a gentle parent might calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but we don’t throw toys around the house because they might break things. When things get broken, mommy and daddy feel sad.” Above: The twins, happy in the sand | Right: In bed with the twins for a morning snuggle 4. Clear, Consistent Boundaries While gentle parenting emphasises connection, it also recognises the importance of limits.  Age-appropriate boundaries are set with firmness and kindness, explaining expectations and consequences clearly.  For example, if a child is hitting, a gentle parent might say, “Hitting hurts. We use our words to express anger. We don’t hit.” Boundaries are some of the best things we can impart to our kids. Too few (permissive) can lead to a person with narcissistic personality disorder and traits. Too many and too harsh (authoritarian) is associated with many issues too. 5. Age-Appropriate Autonomy Empowering your child to make choices and solve problems builds confidence and resilience.  Gentle parenting encourages autonomy while providing support and guidance.  For example, when faced with a decision, a gentle parent might offer options and help weigh the pros and cons. Gentle parents aren’t helicopter parents. Nor do they prescribe or direct.  They build their children’s self-esteem by allowing them to experiment and figure things out. 6. Positive Reinforcements and (Mostly Natural) Consequences Gentle parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior and allowing natural consequences to teach valuable lessons.  Instead of relying on punishment, parents use praise, encouragement, and logical consequences.  For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, a natural consequence might be the inability to find a specific toy when they want to play with it. Of course, there are times when parents need to add consequences because the natural consequence may not be enough to deter the young one.  But if you’ve built enough trust, we’ve found that you simply have to explain why you do/ don’t do something and your children (even as young as 2) will believe you and refrain from the offending behaviour. Why Gentle Parenting isn’t “Working” for You People (parents and onlookers) are often frustrated that gentle parenting does not yield quick results. And it’s tempting to be less gentle when your little one is having a meltdown at the restaurant. But gentle parenting is NOT merely a quick fix or a set of techniques to manipulate children into behaving perfectly. It’s a philosophy rooted in respect, empathy, and building a strong parent-child bond. Seeing gentle parenting as a tool to control outcomes rather than a foundation for a healthy relationship is the opposite of gentle parenting. It is just another form of manipulation and control. If you’re pretending to gentle parent in order to get the child to do what you want, you’ve missed the core idea: that children are individuals with their own personalities and needs, not projects to be moulded. True transformation occurs over time as children develop a strong sense of self, security, and autonomy within a loving, consistent environment. (Hint: it’s the things a lot of us have to go to therapy in adulthood to try to mend). The “results” of gentle parenting are embedded in a child’s character, their ability to form healthy relationships,

What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? (Kids & Adults)

If you’re here after searching “What are the signs of histamine intolerance?” then I’m guessing you or someone you know aren’t doing too well. As someone who only discovered her lifelong histamine intolerance at the ripe old age of 30, I know that living with undiagnosed histamine intolerance can be challenging. For years, I struggled with unexplained symptoms like headaches, as well as nausea and vomiting after eating certain foods.  I’ve also had respiratory issues, and eventually even premenstrual dysphoric disorder (or PMDD) that took me by surprise.  But everything finally clicked once I realised that I had histamine intolerance.  So, if you’re on a similar journey, this post is for you! This post answers the preliminary questions around histamine intolerance in both kids and adults.  I sincerely hope it provides clarity. What is Histamine Intolerance? Histamine (or antihistamines) might feel familiar if you’ve ever dealt with seasonal sniffles and itchy eyes, like seasonal hay fever.  But although its got a bad reputation, histamine isn’t all bad.  In fact, it’s a busy, quite important molecule in your body that acts as a messenger in the immune system, aids digestion, and even influences sleep and focus.  But histamine can also be a troublemaker.  When your body releases too much in response to certain foods or allergens, it triggers those familiar allergy symptoms like runny nose, itching, and sneezing.  Normally, an enzyme called diamine oxidase (DAO) keeps histamine in check.  However, with histamine intolerance, DAO activity is low, leading to a buildup of histamine and those unpleasant allergy-like reactions, depending on which histamine receptors are involved.  H1 receptors, for instance, might cause headaches, rashes, and runny noses – similar to hay fever. And easily controlled with over-the-counter antihistamines. H2 receptors, on the other hand, can lead to digestive issues like cramping and diarrhea.  In severe cases, excess histamine can even mimic symptoms of anaphylactic shock, like flushing, nausea, and dizziness.  Though thankfully without the life-threatening element.   What are the Signs of Histamine Intolerance? Histamine intolerance is really hard to diagnose because each of the symptoms is often treated separately.  You could easily end up taking 4 – 5 different medications for what, ultimately, boils down to the same, elusive thing. I’ll give you 8 groupings of symptoms to look out for: Skin: Hot flushes, hives, rashes, eczema, itchiness, swelling (eyes and face). Sinuses: Runny nose, itchy, red or painful eyes Neurological: Headaches & migraines, insomnia, anxiety & depression, fatigue Cardiovascular: Heart palpitations, arrhythmia, low blood pressure (dizziness), blood clots Digestive: Nausea & vomiting, diarrhoea, loose stool, stomach pain, heartburn, food sensitivities (e.g. gluten or fruits), bloating, Crohn’s/ colitis Respiratory: Difficulty breathing, asthma, throat clearing, sore throat Reproductive: Painful cramps, irregular periods, endometriosis, PMDD, estrogen dominance Musculoskeletal: Muscle pain & twitching, joint pain, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia Risk Factors for Developing Histamine Intolerance Histamine intolerance is supposedly rare, officially affecting about 1–3% of the global population.  However, seeing as it is extremely hard to diagnose, a person or their doctor may not recognise it and may mistake it for a food allergy or gastrointestinal disorder. There are several factors that can increase your risk of developing histamine intolerance: Genetic predisposition: Some people (like yours truly) inherit a variation in their genes that affects the production of DAO. This leads to a higher risk of histamine intolerance. Gut health issues: Conditions like leaky gut and small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO) can disrupt the gut microbiome, which may play a role in DAO production and histamine processing. Our modern diet, with all the ultraprocessed foods and sugar, is not helping. Certain medications: Some medications, such as antidepressants, heartburn medications, and pain relievers, can interfere with DAO function or block histamine breakdown. Vitamin deficiencies: Deficiencies in vitamins B6 and vitamin C can impair DAO activity, making you more susceptible to histamine intolerance. Age: DAO activity naturally decreases with age, which could explain why some people develop histamine intolerance later in life. Over 80% of people with histamine intolerance are middle aged.  High-histamine diet: Regularly consuming large amounts of foods naturally high in histamine (see below) or that trigger histamine release can contribute to symptoms, especially if your DAO activity is already compromised. Living with Histamine Intolerance Let me tell you, living with histamine intolerance is no fun!  Honestly, give me a simple gluten intolerance any day of the week. Because no one has even heard of histamine intolerance. Which means restaurants and items at the grocery store often contain a lot of it.  Navigating what sets you off, personally, is also a painful game of trial and error.  One minute, you’re enjoying a sharing plate of hummus and baba ganoush with friends, the next, your head feels like a drum solo and you can’t leave bed for two days. #TrueStory  It’s frustrating. And skipping dessert while everyone else digs in can feel isolating. But I would not go back to the days where I didn’t know what was wrong. The days when I felt lethargic and nauseous and had days-long headaches that nothing could cure. So the good news is that once you understand your triggers, you can adjust your lifestyle and finally ditch the drama. It takes work, but hey, feeling good is what we’re all trying to achieve through different means, anyway. What are the signs of histamine intolerance in children? I’ll give you my experience first. Every year, around December, my family and I would take a trip to where we originally come from: Ethiopia. And every year, that meant one thing for me: vomiting. Lots of it.  My mom, thinking it was a question of a lack of hygiene during meal prep would have stricter and stricter standards for what I could and couldn’t eat.  But nothing worked.  Whether I ate injera (highly fermented flatbread), kale, or shiro (a stew made with chickpea powder), it all came out.  And if I ate pasta with tomato sauce, I would be up all night with heartburn.  Add to that the asthma and coughing –