How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research Despite growing up in South Africa, where hair extensions are almost universally worn by black girls and women, I only really tried hair extensions well into adulthood. As someone with an Ethiopian family, it just wasn’t our zeitgeist.  But once the mood to experiment with colour and length without dyeing or cutting my hair struck me, there was only really one option.  So, I became part of the growing number of Black women who have embraced synthetic hair extensions. I loved how I looked with them. They gave me a break from the time-consuming upkeep of my natural hair and allowed me to switch up my style whenever I wanted.  But one day, as I was packing our things to move homes, I noticed a silky-haired wig at the back of my closet.  And a question occurred to me: “Are hair extensions harmful?” I wondered.  And then many more: “Does the weight of the extensions damage my roots? Do they hurt my scalp? Why are they so itchy sometimes?” Here are my findings from that Google rabbit hole… Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Hair? Have you ever experienced that dull, persistent headache after getting a fresh install? The tight pulling at your scalp as your hair is braided, often tighter than necessary to “make it last”? It’s not just discomfort—it’s your body telling you something is wrong. Traction alopecia, a condition where hair is pulled from the root, is no joke. It’s common among women who wear their hair in tight styles like braids, weaves, or even buns for extended periods of time.  When hair is pulled repeatedly, especially with the added weight of synthetic extensions, it can lead to permanent hair loss. Most black women I know opt for the tightly pulled look because it lasts long (4-6 weeks) and is a whole lot neater than a looser braid.  Personally, I have a very low threshold for discomfort. I always did my extensions myself, and redid them when they felt a bit tight. But the trade-off is that mine didn’t last nearly as long.  But there are plenty of older black women with little patches of thinning hair at their temples and a receding hairline, likely from tightly pulling hairstyles.  So, it turns out that what we’ve called “protective styles” often leads to damaging our hair. Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Health? Whether you had a tight braid or a looser variety, extensions make it hard to sleep. But it’s worse if it’s tight. I’m sure many of you can relate—tossing and turning with a tight, uncomfortable scalp, trying to find a way to rest without pulling on your hair. Even once the pain reduces, there is still the matter of trying to sleep with this massive volume of hair on the back of your head. Whether you tie a top knot or tie it downwards, it still affects how you can sleep, both by its positioning and the weight it carries. Discomfort, lack of sleep, and the stress of maintaining extensions add up. And there wasn’t an easy solution. Not wearing extensions (and all the maintenance that comes with that) caused me as much anxiety as wearing them did. But in the world of the black woman, it’s often a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. New Research: The Hidden Chemicals in Synthetic Hair Extensions (!!!) But I knew all that.  This is what made my chuck our all my extensions and wigs. New research has begun to reveal how synthetic hair extensions are often treated with chemicals that may be harmful to our health.  Recent studies have found that many of these extensions contain chemicals like  phthalates (a reproductive disrupter),  volatile organic compounds (VOCs) (damages the central nervous system),  acrylonitrile (skin and respiratory issues), and  vinyl chloride (carcinogen: linked to liver cancer).    These wonderful chemicals are found in most synthetic fibers like Kanekalon. and are often absorbed through the scalp, especially when heat is applied during styling, or when the extensions are worn for long periods. Moreover, synthetic extensions release extra VOCs during heat styling, potentially aggravating respiratory conditions like asthma, especially in black communities already vulnerable to health disparities.  These findings point to an urgent need for better consumer protection and more research on the long-term effects of synthetic hair extensions. The lack of regulation allows these toxins to continue being used despite their risks.  (We’ll come back to regulation and trusting the government on health matters later). Cultural Mistrust of Research: Why We Have to Do Our Own Homework As Black women, we’ve often been the last to benefit from scientific research, and sometimes, we’ve been unwilling participants. From the ‘doctor’, now named ‘the father of gynaecology’, who purchased black slave women to experiment on to Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cancer cells was taken without consent by Johns Hopkins, there’s a long history of Black people, particularly Black women, being mistreated or entirely ignored by the research community. This historical exploitation leads many of us to mistrust medical professionals and researchers—and honestly, with good reason. When was the last time you saw a major beauty brand release information specifically about the long-term health effects of the products we use daily, especially those marketed to Black women? We’re left to do our own research, trying to decipher ingredient lists that are confusing at best and intentionally misleading at worst. It’s an added burden that falls disproportionately on us.  We’re responsible for keeping ourselves informed, asking the hard questions about what we’re putting on our heads—and by extension, what’s seeping into our bodies. That’s why I decided to stop using synthetic hair extensions altogether.  It was a hard choice.  Like many of you, I love the versatility, the ease, and the beauty of the styles I could achieve with extensions. But once I knew the risks, I couldn’t justify continuing.  For me, the potential damage to my health—and the health of my loved ones—just wasn’t worth it. The Pressure to Have “Good

Before and After: 30 Days of Face Yoga, Mewing & Jade Rolling

I love me a good before and after.  And for the longest time, I’ve been intrigued by the idea of naturally enhancing facial features. That sharp jawline and sculpted cheekbone look – it definitely has a certain appeal. (Hello, Brad Pitt!) I found myself curious about alternative methods like face yoga, mewing, and jade rolling.  What if, I thought, combining these techniques could lead to results similar to surgery? (I’m a dreamer, okay?!) What if I gave myself a “before and after”? My goals? Reduce the number of chins under my possession, get a less dough-ey jawline, and maybe lift the dropping angle of my eyes a little so my resting face doesn’t scream “I’m soooo over it”. So, I embarked on a journey of natural face sculpting, and let’s just say, the before and after photos are… interesting?  Come, take a look. But First, Why Even Care? While embracing natural ageing is absolutely a valid choice, it’s worth considering the unnatural impact our environment already has on us.  Processed foods, pollution, and stress are just a few factors that contribute to the visible signs of ageing.  Some self-care, even if it’s facial exercises or a simple skincare routine, is a way to counteract some of these unnatural influences.  Plus, let’s be honest, our society often judges based on appearance. (Though I’m not saying it’s right).  And I’m a pragmatist. I know that maintaining a youthful look can have it’s advantages.  From certain career opportunities to simply feeling more confident in social settings, looking younger can open doors and create a more positive experience. Especially as we’re poised to live longer. My 30-Day Face Yoga, Jade Roller, & Mewing Routine   Once I’d gotten my (part-practical, part-vain) reasons out of the way, I needed a plan.  The most important factor?  It had to be a plan I could stick to for a minimum of 30 days (though I planned to show results over 6 months). My face routine had to easily fit in with my life and had to be somewhat enjoyable. (It’s so much harder doing things you don’t like!). So, I came up with this:  Evening Face Yoga Routine (10mins) From all the Googling I did, face yoga seemed like it was the most “legit”. Many reported having great face-lifting results. This is also the reason why I was the most consistent with this part of my routine, performing it every day.  After a quick Google, I chose a 10 minute evening video by the supposed “face expert”.  I chose this video because it was soothing, had no talking, and had the words “lift and firm” in the title.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKz9Y6CEVd4 The best thing about this was how relaxed I felt after doing it. The mini routine, in itself, became the prize.  I would wash the day’s sunscreen off my face, apply Inkey’s hyaluronic acid serum, and then my nighttime bakuchiol moisturiser.  After leaving it on to seep in for a few minutes, I would begin the follow-along video.  The video helps you tense and relax all of the major muscles in your face. By the time I’d finished, I’d feel super relaxed and ready for bed.  About 10 days in, I realised that I didn’t care so much if the routine was actually working.  Just like how we read our twins a story before “sleepy time”, I’d continue using this routine as my wind-down before bed.   Morning Jade Roller Routine (5mins) Okay, so this was initially meant to be a “Jade Roller and Gua Sha” morning routine…  Buuut my twin toddlers stole my green Gua Sha and told me that it was now “the heart of Te Fiti”. (Moana reference, if you know, you know). Why jade rolling?  I put my jade roller in the freezer overnight and it feels really nice in the morning.  It helps freshen me up, and I feel significantly more de-puffed (especially during allergy season). The idea behind it is that it lightly presses against the lymphatic system and gets the fluids under your skin moving and draining better. To make sure I could stick to it, I followed the easy morning jade roller routine below (which I often just did in the passenger seat while we drove the girls to school). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3LcLvGM3b4 Mewing Mewing was the last thing I tried to incorporate into my routine. “What the hell is mewing?” you ask. Sit down, get comfortable, and let me tell you –  Mewing has nothing to do with making cat sounds.  Mewing, named after orthodontist John Mew, involves resting your tongue on the roof of your mouth, with the tip touching the back of your upper front teeth. The idea is that this posture, held throughout the day, can widen the jawline and improve facial definition.  My method: Have 2-hourly alarms from 7am until 7pm reminding me to mew.  After several days of this, I think my tongue is now automatically in the top position. Now, the caveats: Mewing is said to be a long-term thing, so I don’t expect any widening of my jawline in a mere 30 days.  I plan to do it for at least 6 months and capture any changes this way.  Also, there’s no scientific evidence to support claims by people saying their face structure has changed due to mewing.  It’s all been very anecdotal evidence, so far. But the online before and after photos are incredible, to say the least. Which is why I haven’t been putting all my facial eggs in the mewing basket.  The Results: Before and After The moment you’ve all been waiting for – my one month before and after results from all my efforts. Take a look: You don’t see it? Well, neither do I, to be honest… Maybe there’s a slight lessening of my double-chinnage. A smidge less cheek chub? Perhaps… But there may be another, more powerful explanation for that. Weight Loss During that same month, I lost around 3kgs (or 6.5lbs).  That might not seem like much, but for someone who is