How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

The Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Journey​

The Fundamental of Complex Trauma in Adults: My Personal Journey Becoming a mother changes you in profound ways. But for me, it wasn’t the glowing transformation of joy that social media likes to portray. When I gave birth to my twins, I experienced what felt like a complete unravelling of everything I thought I knew about myself.  It wasn’t just the sleepless nights or the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two new lives. Rather, I felt as if every unresolved part of my past came rushing to the surface all at once. Every hurt, every defense mechanism, and every suppressed feeling began demanding my attention.  It was terrifying, disorienting, and left me spiralling into a 14-month depression—a depression I didn’t even recognize until I began clawing my way out of it. But my breaking point also became my turning point.  Through a lot of hard, messy work, I’ve come to understand that I wasn’t broken or defective. What I was experiencing was the aftermath of complex trauma, and I now know that it’s not only possible to heal from it, but that the process of healing can lead to a richer, more authentic life.  In this post, I want to share the fundamentals of complex trauma in adults—what it is, how it manifests, and why it’s so often overlooked. And for those in the thick of it, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. Let’s go! What is Complex Trauma? It wouldn’t be a “fundamentals of complex trauma in adults” if I didn’t try to give some sort of definition of complex trauma. Complex trauma isn’t about a single, catastrophic event.  Instead, it arises from prolonged exposure to emotionally or psychologically harmful environments, often during formative years. It’s rooted in relationships, particularly those where trust and safety should exist but don’t.  Unlike the “big T” Traumas, such as one-off natural disasters or violent assaults, complex trauma is cumulative and insidious, often involving neglect, emotional invalidation, or manipulation.  Here’s how I like to think about it:  Big T events are things that happen to you when they shouldn’t. Little T traumas often involve things that don’t happen when they should—like the absence of love, respect, attention, security, reliability, or safety.  Sometimes, complex trauma can be a combination of both big T and little T trauma. (Yikes!)   Over time, these repeated absences can have the same or even greater effects as big T trauma. This is because they are subtle, hard to detect, and often invalidated or overlooked by others. For many of us, it’s easy to downplay our experiences. My childhood, for instance, seemed perfectly adequate on the surface. I was well provided for materially, and from the outside, my family appeared stable.  But beneath that veneer were years of emotional neglect and dysfunction—parents who could be invalidating, neglectful, and emotionally absent. These experiences taught me to people-please, to fear confrontation, and to internalise a sense of unworthiness. I was super confused, for years, around why I just couldn’t get my sh*t together. Characteristics & Fundamentals of Complex Trauma in Adults Educating yourself about the characteristics of complex trauma is often the first step to healing.  Understanding how these traits may have developed as responses to certain elements in your formative years can help alleviate the confusion, self-blame, and anger you might feel.  My Complex Trauma Bible is Tim Fletcher’s “60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma“, which provides a comprehensive framework for understanding how it impacts adults. He has a series on YouTube as well. It’s changed my life! Here, I’ll highlight some key ways it showed up in my life and how it might manifest for others: 1. Emotional Dysregulation For years, I felt like my emotions controlled me rather than the other way around. Either that, or I’m completely shut down – robot style.  I’d swing between anxiety, sadness, and determination in a short period. Small frustrations, like a rude comment or an unexpected change in plans, could leave me spiralling for hours or days.  This emotional volatility is the one thing that bonds all of us complex trauma people together. We just don’t know how to regulate our emotions! How could we? We were never taught (but it’s not too late).  2. People-Pleasing and Fear of Conflict Growing up, there was only room for my father’s anger and demands in the house. So, I learned that avoiding conflict was safer than asserting my needs.  As an adult, this translated into people-pleasing behaviours: Saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” Changing my character, accent, and entire personality depending on the person. Bending over backwards to avoid upsetting others (which sometimes involved manipulation!).    The very thought of confrontation could leave me paralysed with fear. 3. Hypervigilance Are you an Empath/ Highly Sensitive Person? Well, you might have complex trauma! Complex trauma keeps you on high alert, constantly scanning for potential threats. It’s a body’s nervous system trying to figure out fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses. So, I’d replay conversations in my head, analysing every word for hidden meanings or signs of disapproval. And eventually, I became a “highly sensitive person” or “empath“.  Not someone who would cry at the drop of the hat (this was not allowed in my childhood home). But rather someone who could infer how a person felt from a simple look or micro-expression.  People admired this about me. “Wow, you’re so perceptive!” But damn, what a price to pay for being observant.  This hyper-awareness is exhausting and makes it very difficult to relax. 4. Sense of Inferiority No matter how many external achievements I racked up—from academic successes to professional milestones—I couldn’t shake the belief that I was fundamentally “less than.”  Whether I based it on my race and ethnicity, or my gender, or my nationality – you name it, I was feeling less than. Sure, there’s a component of social hierarchies, structural racism, and actual discrimination going on.  But because I didn’t have a strong enough sense of self, I

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement

Bralessness: A Mental Bra-Burning Movement We live in a world that values comfort, self-expression, and freedom. Just joking. Many of us women feel pressured to slip on a bra every morning. This modern-day corset has become such a part of our daily routine that we don’t even question it as one of the subtle signs of the patriarchy. But when you begin to examine the history and deeper implications of bras, you realise just how entrenched they are in beauty standards and the male gaze. It’s about more than just “support”—it’s about who decides what’s acceptable for women’s bodies. (And it ain’t the woman, as we’ve seen time and again). One day, it dawned on me that I genuinely didn’t enjoy wearing bras, and I finally felt safe enough to go outside without one. (More on that later). That was a turning point. Since then, I’ve chosen to go braless, except for sports. And honestly? I don’t want to go back. To add to my little experiment, my husband decided to wear a bra to understand what all the fuss was about. (More on that later, too). Needless to say, I’m embarking on a de-patriarchisation of the mind. A mental bra-burning movement, if you will.  Read on and share your thoughts. From Corsets to Bras: A Continuum of Body Control Looking back, it’s strange to think that corsets were once everyday wear for women. From the Renaissance to the 20th century, it’s what fashionable, well-to-do women wore for 500 years! (Give or take). Imagine squeezing yourself into something so tight you could barely breathe! (I suppose a lot of women do this with shapewear now? I’ve never tried). But those contraptions shaped women’s bodies, literally rearranging their internal organs to fit this narrow, “ideal” form.  And for what?  Certainly not for comfort or health.  Like a shapely vase, corsets were for display, to create a silhouette that pleased the eyes of men and society. Women were the objects. Silent, agreeable pieces of movable beauty (that were also f*ckable).  A Reductionist History of Strapping our Breasts to our Chests When bras became mainstream around the turn of the 20th century, they were hailed as more “liberating”.  But now I wonder, were they really that different?  Sure, they didn’t crush our torsos, but the principle remains the same. Shape yourself to be attractive, because her appearance is all the currency a woman has. They’re the same tool of control, just in a different package.  Honestly, in principle, it’s not too different to foot-binding in ancient China, where women’s feet were tightly bound to create this “ideal” look. (And whether it’s bras or feet, it seems like the “ideal” was rather juvenile). It’s all about manipulating ourselves to be perfect brides. And, in this way, what we were doing to our bodies fitted perfectly with what we were doing to our minds. Bras and the Male Gaze For the longest time, I didn’t think twice about bras.  Like many women, I excitedly started wearing bras as a pre-teen because it symbolised “being a woman”, more grown-up than my flat-chested girlfirends.  But as I thought about it more, I began to realise that the expectation to wear bras isn’t a natural law. It’s a patriarchal law. And just because the majority think it’s the way to do something, it doesn’t make it true, or beneficial. After all, it took humanity centuries to accept that the sun, not Earth, is at the center of our planetary system.  The whole idea that breasts should look a certain way, that they must be lifted and hidden, isn’t a choice most of us arrive at on our own.  It’s a deeply ingrained belief that our natural bodies are wrong if they deviate from society’s idea of perfection.  Undiagnosed Social Perfectionism And that perfection, in itself, is an inherently unreachable standard. We will always be considered too-something, despite all our efforts. Too fat, thin, too natural, too made-up. Too-something. It’s why the cosmetics, diet and plastic surgery industries are so prevalent. For years decades, I internalised that message. I didn’t even think about it. I was totally blended with the way things were. Too in it to realise that I was swimming in poop.  It was only when I began therapy and decided that I was the only person I needed to please—with my body, my thoughts, and my life—that I started questioning all the things I’d been doing automatically to participate in an unspoken “mating game” where men hold all the power. I’m not willing to subscribe to that anymore. The Feminist Rebellion – The Bra Burners of the Past When I started learning more about feminism, I discovered that women in the 1960s and 70s had already started questioning these norms. So yes, it’s not a Millennial/ Gen-Z fad. (Although, more on that later). You might have heard about “bra-burning feminism.”  The reality is, women didn’t actually burn their bras en masse, but they did throw them away as a symbolic act of rebellion.  It was their way of rejecting the expectations around their bodies and reclaiming their comfort and agency. For those women, discarding bras was about saying, “My body is my own, and I don’t need to fit anyone else’s standard.” And even though I feel like we’ve come a long way, bras are still largely unquestioned today. We may not be wearing corsets, but many of us still wear bras just because it’s “normal.”  For me, going braless has become a quiet act of reclaiming that comfort and authenticity. It’s a small thing, but every day, it reminds me that I don’t have to shape myself to fit anyone else’s expectations. A Mental Bra-Burning Movement What do we all do when we get home? Sometimes, before I even take my shoes off, I’m unclipping my bra and taking it off through my clothes.  They don’t make me feel comfortable or good about myself. Sure, I liked the way my boobs look in them, but that’s

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research

Are Hair Extensions Harmful? New Shocking Research Despite growing up in South Africa, where hair extensions are almost universally worn by black girls and women, I only really tried hair extensions well into adulthood. As someone with an Ethiopian family, it just wasn’t our zeitgeist.  But once the mood to experiment with colour and length without dyeing or cutting my hair struck me, there was only really one option.  So, I became part of the growing number of Black women who have embraced synthetic hair extensions. I loved how I looked with them. They gave me a break from the time-consuming upkeep of my natural hair and allowed me to switch up my style whenever I wanted.  But one day, as I was packing our things to move homes, I noticed a silky-haired wig at the back of my closet.  And a question occurred to me: “Are hair extensions harmful?” I wondered.  And then many more: “Does the weight of the extensions damage my roots? Do they hurt my scalp? Why are they so itchy sometimes?” Here are my findings from that Google rabbit hole… Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Hair? Have you ever experienced that dull, persistent headache after getting a fresh install? The tight pulling at your scalp as your hair is braided, often tighter than necessary to “make it last”? It’s not just discomfort—it’s your body telling you something is wrong. Traction alopecia, a condition where hair is pulled from the root, is no joke. It’s common among women who wear their hair in tight styles like braids, weaves, or even buns for extended periods of time.  When hair is pulled repeatedly, especially with the added weight of synthetic extensions, it can lead to permanent hair loss. Most black women I know opt for the tightly pulled look because it lasts long (4-6 weeks) and is a whole lot neater than a looser braid.  Personally, I have a very low threshold for discomfort. I always did my extensions myself, and redid them when they felt a bit tight. But the trade-off is that mine didn’t last nearly as long.  But there are plenty of older black women with little patches of thinning hair at their temples and a receding hairline, likely from tightly pulling hairstyles.  So, it turns out that what we’ve called “protective styles” often leads to damaging our hair. Are Hair Extensions Harmful to My Health? Whether you had a tight braid or a looser variety, extensions make it hard to sleep. But it’s worse if it’s tight. I’m sure many of you can relate—tossing and turning with a tight, uncomfortable scalp, trying to find a way to rest without pulling on your hair. Even once the pain reduces, there is still the matter of trying to sleep with this massive volume of hair on the back of your head. Whether you tie a top knot or tie it downwards, it still affects how you can sleep, both by its positioning and the weight it carries. Discomfort, lack of sleep, and the stress of maintaining extensions add up. And there wasn’t an easy solution. Not wearing extensions (and all the maintenance that comes with that) caused me as much anxiety as wearing them did. But in the world of the black woman, it’s often a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. New Research: The Hidden Chemicals in Synthetic Hair Extensions (!!!) But I knew all that.  This is what made my chuck our all my extensions and wigs. New research has begun to reveal how synthetic hair extensions are often treated with chemicals that may be harmful to our health.  Recent studies have found that many of these extensions contain chemicals like  phthalates (a reproductive disrupter),  volatile organic compounds (VOCs) (damages the central nervous system),  acrylonitrile (skin and respiratory issues), and  vinyl chloride (carcinogen: linked to liver cancer).    These wonderful chemicals are found in most synthetic fibers like Kanekalon. and are often absorbed through the scalp, especially when heat is applied during styling, or when the extensions are worn for long periods. Moreover, synthetic extensions release extra VOCs during heat styling, potentially aggravating respiratory conditions like asthma, especially in black communities already vulnerable to health disparities.  These findings point to an urgent need for better consumer protection and more research on the long-term effects of synthetic hair extensions. The lack of regulation allows these toxins to continue being used despite their risks.  (We’ll come back to regulation and trusting the government on health matters later). Cultural Mistrust of Research: Why We Have to Do Our Own Homework As Black women, we’ve often been the last to benefit from scientific research, and sometimes, we’ve been unwilling participants. From the ‘doctor’, now named ‘the father of gynaecology’, who purchased black slave women to experiment on to Henrietta Lacks, whose cervical cancer cells was taken without consent by Johns Hopkins, there’s a long history of Black people, particularly Black women, being mistreated or entirely ignored by the research community. This historical exploitation leads many of us to mistrust medical professionals and researchers—and honestly, with good reason. When was the last time you saw a major beauty brand release information specifically about the long-term health effects of the products we use daily, especially those marketed to Black women? We’re left to do our own research, trying to decipher ingredient lists that are confusing at best and intentionally misleading at worst. It’s an added burden that falls disproportionately on us.  We’re responsible for keeping ourselves informed, asking the hard questions about what we’re putting on our heads—and by extension, what’s seeping into our bodies. That’s why I decided to stop using synthetic hair extensions altogether.  It was a hard choice.  Like many of you, I love the versatility, the ease, and the beauty of the styles I could achieve with extensions. But once I knew the risks, I couldn’t justify continuing.  For me, the potential damage to my health—and the health of my loved ones—just wasn’t worth it. The Pressure to Have “Good

The Anxiety of Change: Why Even Small Shifts Bring Big Emotions

Change is a part of life.  Just last month, we moved apartments. And even though I knew the change was coming, and said on a number of occasions, “there’s a big change coming – we need to cut ourselves a lot of slack,” it didn’t stop that change from kicking our metaphorical asses. Change, in my case, is pretty… undignified. Whatever the opposite of graceful is, you’ll find me there during major shifts. And that’s true for many.  Whether it’s moving to a new city, starting a new job, or even small lifestyle adjustments, many of us feel a sense of unease both before, during, and a long time after the change. This is definitely true of change we don’t see coming. Or bad changes we know are on their way.  But why can even positive change—something we’ve looked forward to—trigger anxiety? The answer lies in how our minds and bodies respond to uncertainty.  For those of us who’ve experienced complex trauma, this reaction is often heightened. Even though change can be good for us, our past experiences can cause us to misinterpret all change as a threat.  Let’s dive deeper into the anxiety of change and how we can (try to) navigate it in a healthier way. **This post and my research on the topic is just as much for me as it is for an external audience** Why does change trigger anxiety? The Nature of Change Change, even when positive, represents uncertainty.  Our brains are still wired to prefer stability and predictability. (How unfortunate for those of us in this modern era). And to our limbic, reptilian brains, predictability = safety.  When something new arises—like moving house or starting a new study program (both of which I have done this month!)—it sets off alarm bells throughout the body.  So, the perceived vulnerability that comes with uncertainty often leads to some degree of anxiety. Even when the change is ultimately beneficial.   Complex Trauma & Maladation to Change For those of us with complex trauma (CPTSD), any shift—whether positive or negative—can feel unsettling.  Tim Fletcher, my favourite internet psychologist, says people with CPTSD can often see change as dangerous because it threatens the familiar.  Even if that familiar wasn’t good.  Why? Because complex trauma survivors often associate change with painful transitions. Especially if we were unsupported during key life moments like childhood moves, family breakdowns, or other major disruptions.  These early experiences can condition us to resist change or label it as dangerous. So our brains registered another equation and stored it deep in our bodies. Change is always bad and I will have to deal with it all by myself. When I moved house recently and decided to return to studying, I knew that these changes would affect me. They were exciting and positive life decisions, but the anxiety still crept in.  I experienced a whole load of symptoms. One of the scariest was the return of intrusive, catastrophic thoughts. Like, “What if your daughter got hit by a car?” or “What if you all end up homeless and on the street?” On the surface, these thoughts have nothing to do with starting a new study program or changing apartments. But when I reflected on my anxiety around these changes, I realised that it wasn’t the move or the studying itself that was scary. It was the childhood memory of going through major life shifts feeling alone and unsupported.  And the flying catastrophic thoughts? They were just a symptom of my heightened anxiety. My brain was scared, and it was letting me know.  Recognising that made it easier to understand where the anxiety was coming from. And it helped me avoid mislabeling the change as inherently bad. Positive Change Isn’t Always Comfortable It’s easy to believe that positive changes should automatically feel good.  But here’s the truth: change can feel uncomfortable no matter how good it is.  The anxiety of change stems from our maladaptive response, which is often rooted in past trauma. Just because something feels bad doesn’t mean it is. Mislabeling Positive Change as Negative When I moved to my new home and started studying again, I felt anxious, despite the excitement of new beginnings.  In the past, I would have taken that anxiety as a sign that something was wrong.  However, this time, I was able to separate my feelings from the actual change.  I reminded myself that these feelings were my body’s response to the unknown—not evidence that something bad was happening. (“No, we aren’t going to end up homeless on the street anytime soon”). By recognising that discomfort during change is normal, we can stop sabotaging ourselves or avoiding growth.  It’s important to remember that feeling anxious doesn’t mean the change is bad—it just means it’s new. How to Build Resilience to the Anxiety of Change Thankfully, we don’t have to stay stuck in anxiety every time life shifts.  Here are some strategies that have worked for me (to an extent). Hopefully, they’ll help you to strengthen your resilience to both positive and negative change: 1. Self-Compassion: Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgement Half the battle when anxiety surfaces is recognising and acknowledging it for what it is: a natural bodily response to the fear of the unknown. (Remember how our brains don’t enjoy the unfamiliar?) Don’t suppress it. Don’t judge yourself for feeling that way. (And don’t judge yourself for judging yourself, either!) Even if your reaction is extreme of disproportionate, your body has likely been conditioned for decades to react this way.  Be kind to yourself. Change is hard, and it’s okay to struggle with it. It will take time to learn a different way of managing change. 2. Understand the Roots of Your Anxiety Often, anxiety during change is linked to old wounds.  Explore where your feelings come from.  For me, change as a child meant that I needed to toughen up and harden my heart to take the blows that came with entering foreign, often hostile territory. (e.g. Moving to racist South Africa as a toddler, skipping

A Safe Space for Black Women | Chai & Sunshine

When starting Chai & Sunshine, I looked up many successful blogs for inspiration. Cup of Jo and The Blonde Abroad were of particular interest for the aesthetic and the engagement.  But I subconsciously imbibed something else from my blogging research.  That to be successful, I should keep things light.  To be successful, I should keep things white. My blog should be about design and style, with curated images and clever, non-threatening humour.  But as I work through my own unlearning – including internalised racism and misogyny – I realise that what I want to talk about and create is not just another “white woman blog”.  I do not want to be a minor character in my own creation.  What I want to create is a safe space for authenticity, starting with myself. I want to create a safe space for black women, which means a safe space for all women, which means a safe space for everyone. I want to create space for us to exist as our whole selves. And I want to do this intentionally. Not when it’s convenient. Not as a “nice to have”.  So, I’m going to be redoing the categories on this blog to better reflect me my actual values.  And it will be unapologetic. Say it unapologetically What I feel x My values = Say it unapologetically I came across this equation today and fell in love.  As part of the childhood trauma club, it’s been a long journey to figuring out how I actually feel about things. Historically, I have only concerned myself with how others feel and how I was supposed to feel in reaction to that to avoid conflict.  When I started on the journey of authenticity, it would take me a couple of weeks before I could identify what that twinge in my tummy meant. I’ve gotten that down to a few minutes now.  Not knowing what I truly felt about things meant that I also didn’t know what my values were. I certainly could not tell you whether I valued myself. But there were clear indications that I did not value myself very highly.  Understanding how I truly feel about things, and working through questions around my intrinsic value as a human being have helped me grow immensely in confidence.  A year ago, I would have not had the confidence to unapologetically say:  I am created a safe space for black women on my blog.  And I don’t care about being everything to everybody anymore.  Don’t try to be everything to everybody Are you a people-pleaser?  Well, name 3 people who are pleased with you.  As a veteran people-pleaser, I have a duty to inform the active-duty people-pleasers that it is a senseless quest you embark on. My blog so far has been trying to cater to the feelings of everyone. Mainly women.  But not saying anything about my experience as a black, African, woman, that may make anyone else feel excluded or uncomfortable.  But in censoring such integral parts of myself, I wasn’t being authentic.  And we aren’t about that anymore.  So, while everyone is and always will be welcome, I will also be specifically expressing my experiences as a black woman.  Final Thoughts My journey through to finally allowing myself to take up space is sweet and beautiful.  It’s like I can finally see myself – the core of personality beneath all the trauma responses I had adopted to survive.  Join me on this ride into realness, y’all. 

Scheduled Downtime: Why It’s Good to do Nothing Once in a While

Scheduled downtime.  It’s a term associated to our technological companions. But somehow doesn’t come with the same kind of acceptance and understanding when referring to us.  More often than not, it doesn’t even cross our minds to book in some scheduled downtime for ourselves. And when it does, it often comes with guilt and hesitation.  So, what is it about rest that has us feeling so conflicted? Here’s my take on why it’s good to do nothing once in a while, and why we don’t do it. What is scheduled downtime? (And what’s not?) Our society is so far removed from what true, planned rest looks like, I thought it worthwhile to define it for us.  Scheduled downtime is not simply taking a holiday or some paid time off. It’s a statement of value to yourself and to others. You’re demonstrating with your actions that you value yourself and your health.  Here is my criteria for what qualifies (and what doesn’t!) as scheduled downtime: 1. Scheduled Downtime is Planned Ahead of Time Though it may seem obvious, scheduled downtime has to be scheduled. So, quality downtime can’t be spontaneous or opportunistic – like when you’ve got an unexpected lull at work or when you’re ill.  To make full use of scheduled downtime, it should be planned. Not only will it help you fully relax, but you’re also sending yourself an important message.  You’re telling your nervous system that you value yourself, your mind, and your body, and that you are deserving of rest. 2. Scheduled Downtime is Free from Responsibility It’s not scheduled downtime if you still have your usual responsibilities.  Kids. Chores. It should all be put on hold. Nobody and nothing should be relying on you during your downtime.  There should also be no threat of responsibility. So, don’t be sneakily pretending to “work from home” hoping no one finds out.  Formally take time off, get your automatic e-mails up, and make sure your kids (and/ or spouses) are not around to bother you. 3. Scheduled Downtime is NOT a Time to Keep Up with Anything Except the Kardashians One thing you might be tempted to do is use the scheduled downtime to get ahead on your ever-growing task list.   We’re so pressured keep up with our work, our chores, and even with replying to e-mails and WhatsApps, that we often feel obliged to use our downtime to do that. But scheduled downtime means that you give yourself a break from that all-consuming pressure. Release yourself from the need to keep up. 4. Scheduled Downtime should Free Up Mental Real Estate Not only should you not be doing anything to keep up with work or chores during your scheduled downtime, but you should also be giving your mind a rest. During scheduled downtime, you should try to minimise your mental stress and the number of taxing decisions you have to make.  This also means not forcing yourself to stick to your normal routines (bye-bye 5 am wake up!) or other optional commitments.  Your scheduled downtime is for fully recharging, not for enforcing discipline. Why it’s good to do nothing sometimes, but why it feels so bad I find something inherently depressing but very telling about the term Paid Time Off, or “PTO.”  It’s thinly veiled corporate speak for the harsh equation: work in exchange for permission to exist outside of work.  It implies our primary purpose is to toil away, with brief respites granted at the employer’s discretion. Work is, therefore, the centre of our lives. But should our worth be measured by our output? And should leisure time be reduced to a necessary evil to prevent burnout? If our corporate overlords could find a way to prevent worker burnout without the leave, I’m sure we’d see our precious PTO vanish. “Idle Hands are the Devil’s Playthings” This warped perspective on work and leisure has its roots in a puritanical work ethic that equates idleness with sin. Capitalism has since proliferated this worldview and conditioned us into believing that relaxation is a moral failing.  However, our drive for productivity ignores our evolutionary history. Hunter-gatherers worked far less than we do. But ever since the agrarian revolution, we’ve been steadily working longer and harder hours.  And now, the information age threatens to blur the lines between work and life even further. Because of technology, we’re now “on call” 24/7. This relentless pressure to be constantly productive creates a toxic cycle of guilt and exhaustion.  How often and for how long should you do nothing? The ideal duration and frequency of scheduled downtime is going to be different for different people.  But while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, I recommend aiming for regular periods of uninterrupted relaxation.  Some people like weekend getaways or more frequent half-day escapes. But my schedule is 3 full days of scheduled downtime every 3 months.  Even though I spend those 3 days in a (often dark) room with food and lots of TV to watch, they leave me more refreshed than a conventional holiday away.  The key is to listen to your body and mind.  Recognise when you’re likely to feel overwhelmed or burnt out to schedule in some downtime before you snap. Then make it a tradition! Scheduled downtime: Some ground rules to consider Now, I don’t have hard set rules for scheduled downtime. But I do have some guidelines.  I’ll share my personal rules with you in case you find them helpful: (1) Be Alone For me, it’s not really downtime if I’m with someone. And as lovely and easy as my husband is, there’s just something recharging about being alone.  Maybe it’s not having to check in with anyone. Maybe it’s about not having to speak for a couple of days.  Whatever it is, I definitely recommend doing your scheduled downtime alone.  (2) Be Unavailable Do not be nice and tell people that they can contact you if they need something.  Let them figure out what to do on their own!  Warn your work colleagues, your parents, your kids, your spouse not to contact you unless it’s an emergency. 

How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent (and Enjoy Your Kids)

I’m writing this “how to stop being a perfectionist parent” post specifically for my husband, knowing full well that he will likely never read it.  The topic came up yesterday.  “I feel like we’re failing,” he told me, out of the blue. “The house is always a mess, we never give them proper meals, and they watch too much TV.” “Wow,” I thought. “He sounds just like my inner voice from back when I was depressed.” But thanks to that horrendous PPD experience, I knew exactly what was going on with my otherwise carefree hubby.  So, I told him.  “You’re being too perfectionistic,” I said. “You’re holding yourself up to unrealistic standards and feeling terrible about a problem that isn’t really there.” He nodded. “I agree,” he said. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Because, unfortunately, diagnosing the problem and knowing how to fix it are two different things. So, this post is my way of deciphering how I was able to stop being a perfectionist parent and actually enjoy my kids.  Then, I’ll report back to my husband because he’s yet to read a full Chai and Sunshine article. And, in the meantime, I hope it helps you, too. 8 Signs of a Perfectionist Parent Before we dive into how to stop being a perfectionist parent, we need to understand the myriad ways perfectionism can manifest. Only once we understand the common signs of a perfectionist parent can we do something about it. And for anyone in denial or doubt, read these signs out to your spouse, co-parent, or kids. Ask if they recognise these behaviours in you. It might not be pleasant, but it’s the first step in lasting change. Here are 8 signs of a perfectionist parent.  Note: these tendencies can be either self-directed (not feeling like a good enough parent) or directed at the child (being hard on them so they can reach your high standards). You might find that it’s a little bit of both. You also don’t need to tick off all 8 signs to make some changes. 1. Unrealistic Expectations Setting unrealistic and often unattainable standards for yourself or your child. Not taking into account the present resources or abilities when setting these goals.  2. Constant Criticism Frequent or constant self-criticism for your perceived parenting shortcomings (or the “shortcomings” of your child). Focusing on your children’s mistakes rather than their accomplishments. 3. Comparing/ Competing with Others When you do set unattainable goals and standards, it’s often image-related or superficial. You may also compare your reality to what you see of other parents and their children. This may leave you feeling inadequate. 4. Fear of Failure/ Excessive Pressure You may have an outsized idea of what the consequences of anything less-than-perfect may result in. For example, “you will never find friends if you’re always looking so scruffy!” You may also have an unhealthy fixation on past mistakes. 5. Over Involvement/ Micromanagement Directing your kids’ or co-parent’s every action. Getting involved in their lives on a granular level. 6. Ignoring Emotional Needs Prioritising achievements and portraying a “perfect” image over the emotional needs of you or your child(ren). 7. Lack of Spontaneity No room for creativity or relaxation. Rigid rules and schedules for you and/or your family dominate your life. (E.g. nap times, dinner times, eating schedules or menus).  8. Living Through the Child Think “Dance Moms” or “Pageant Moms”. Projecting your unfulfilled dreams onto your child(ren).   Why It’s NOT Easy to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Breaking free from the grip of perfectionist parenting can be really challenging. (It sure was for me!) At its core, it’s deeply rooted in the desire to provide the best possible life for our children. But the fear of making mistakes or falling short can be paralysing. This often results in the very opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, reigniting the cycle of perfectionist control all over again.  But what makes perfectionism really hard to get rid of is that it’s often intertwined with our own self-worth. Because perfectionist parents often lack a strong internal compass, they are more susceptible to adopting external standards. This means striving for what society deems as excellent rather than listening to your own needs or those of your child. It may also mean getting caught in a cycle of comparison. We look at other parents and their seemingly perfect children, forgetting that everyone faces challenges behind closed doors. This often stems from various factors, including childhood trauma, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, insecure attachment styles, or underlying issues like undiagnosed OCD or other anxiety-related conditions. Breaking free requires awareness and a shift in perspective. It means learning to build authentic relationships with yourself and your children, rather than relating to yourself and them solely through achievements. How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Societal pressures to achieve, coupled with personal insecurities, often fuel the perfectionist mindset. Additionally, it’s difficult to let go of the illusion of control. As parents, we crave the ability to shape our children’s futures, and perfectionism can feel like a way to exert that control.  The first step to overcoming these perfectionist tendencies is therefore self-awareness. Keep a diary of your thoughts and behaviours, paying close attention to all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophising tendencies.  Like when my husband said that we were “failing” because “the house is always a mess” and “we never give them proper meals”. These cognitive distortions often magnify the consequences of imperfections.  Along with this self-awareness, I recommend practicing deep curiosity about the roots of your perfectionism. Does your perfectionist inner voice sound uncomfortably similar to that of a critical caregiver?  Or maybe by aiming for perfection you’re subconsciously seeking validation from an absent or emotionally distant caregiver. Understanding these underlying drivers is crucial for breaking free from the perfectionist cycle. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process. A trained therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies for managing perfectionistic tendencies.  By working through past experiences and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can gradually release the grip of perfectionism

In Defence of Gentle Parenting (and Why it’s Not Working for You)

Gentle parenting. It’s what my generation of parents – the millennials – have turned to as the gold standard. But for some reason, it’s controversial amoung childless boomers like talk show host Bill Maher, who spent 10 minutes calling for the return of “trad dads” and comparing parenting to blow jobs.  Yuck. But these insensitive boomer mofos are the exact reason why we’re all in therapy.  So, in defence of gentle parenting, here’s my take on why it might not be “working” for some of you. What is Gentle Parenting? Gentle parenting is focused on building a strong, loving connection with your child while setting clear, consistent boundaries. It’s about responding to your child’s emotions with empathy, patience, and respect. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards, gentle parenting emphasises positive discipline, co-operation, and problem-solving. Can you imagine: a child with strong inherent self-worth? It’s creating a safe space for your child to learn, grow, and develop into a confident, compassionate individual. And also about creating a safe enough space for your children to come to you in times of trouble. Essentially, gentle parenting is about treating your child with the same respect and understanding you’d hope to receive. What’s so controversial about that? Principles and Characteristics of Gentle Parenting (with Examples) Now, the only reason I imagine people not agreeing with gentle parenting is because they didn’t have gentle parents themselves. And their inner critic wants to make sure everyone else gets the same harsh treatment they received. Here are some principles and characteristics of what gentle parenting means on a practical level. 1. Your Child is their Own Person Perhaps the most important principle for me: realsing your child is their own person with their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  They are not merely an under-developed human waiting to be moulded by you into your ideal version of what a child is to be. Respecting this, and respecting their interests and feelings is paramount to raising healthy human beings. 2. Emotional Validation Understanding and validating your child’s feelings is so key. Instead of dismissing emotions like anger or frustration, gentle parenting means parents listen actively and offer comfort.  For example, if a child is upset, even if you don’t think it’s logical, a gentle parent might say, “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way.”  We also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big feelings.  3. Respectful Communication Treating your child with respect, even when they’re challenging, sets your kid up to trust you, have a strong sense of worth, and be respectful all at once. This involves using kind and respectful language, explaining reasons behind decisions, and inviting your child to share their perspective. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop it!” (or worse), a gentle parent might calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but we don’t throw toys around the house because they might break things. When things get broken, mommy and daddy feel sad.” Above: The twins, happy in the sand | Right: In bed with the twins for a morning snuggle 4. Clear, Consistent Boundaries While gentle parenting emphasises connection, it also recognises the importance of limits.  Age-appropriate boundaries are set with firmness and kindness, explaining expectations and consequences clearly.  For example, if a child is hitting, a gentle parent might say, “Hitting hurts. We use our words to express anger. We don’t hit.” Boundaries are some of the best things we can impart to our kids. Too few (permissive) can lead to a person with narcissistic personality disorder and traits. Too many and too harsh (authoritarian) is associated with many issues too. 5. Age-Appropriate Autonomy Empowering your child to make choices and solve problems builds confidence and resilience.  Gentle parenting encourages autonomy while providing support and guidance.  For example, when faced with a decision, a gentle parent might offer options and help weigh the pros and cons. Gentle parents aren’t helicopter parents. Nor do they prescribe or direct.  They build their children’s self-esteem by allowing them to experiment and figure things out. 6. Positive Reinforcements and (Mostly Natural) Consequences Gentle parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior and allowing natural consequences to teach valuable lessons.  Instead of relying on punishment, parents use praise, encouragement, and logical consequences.  For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, a natural consequence might be the inability to find a specific toy when they want to play with it. Of course, there are times when parents need to add consequences because the natural consequence may not be enough to deter the young one.  But if you’ve built enough trust, we’ve found that you simply have to explain why you do/ don’t do something and your children (even as young as 2) will believe you and refrain from the offending behaviour. Why Gentle Parenting isn’t “Working” for You People (parents and onlookers) are often frustrated that gentle parenting does not yield quick results. And it’s tempting to be less gentle when your little one is having a meltdown at the restaurant. But gentle parenting is NOT merely a quick fix or a set of techniques to manipulate children into behaving perfectly. It’s a philosophy rooted in respect, empathy, and building a strong parent-child bond. Seeing gentle parenting as a tool to control outcomes rather than a foundation for a healthy relationship is the opposite of gentle parenting. It is just another form of manipulation and control. If you’re pretending to gentle parent in order to get the child to do what you want, you’ve missed the core idea: that children are individuals with their own personalities and needs, not projects to be moulded. True transformation occurs over time as children develop a strong sense of self, security, and autonomy within a loving, consistent environment. (Hint: it’s the things a lot of us have to go to therapy in adulthood to try to mend). The “results” of gentle parenting are embedded in a child’s character, their ability to form healthy relationships,

Do you have to be mean to be successful? (Science answers)

Do you have to be mean to be successful?  Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.”  It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades.  And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it.  After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind.  But is this really the case?  Do you have to be mean to be successful? Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big?  Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction. Why Psychopathic People Seem to Thrive in Corporate Settings It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments.  In a study by psychologist Paul Babiak, around 4% of business leaders fit the definition of “psychopath”. That’s 4x what you find in the general population.  Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage.  And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders.  But there is a major caveat.  People with psychopathy are attracted to positions of power precisely because dominance is a key characteristic of psychopathy.  So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental.  In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying  and high turnover. The Dark Side of Office Politics Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far.  Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor. Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale.  And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance. This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”.  Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down.  And it’s hard to succeed all on your own. Do you have to be mean to be successful? The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth. While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean. Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.  So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression. But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice.  Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness Here’s where I think the confusion comes from.  Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world. But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice.  Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect.  You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness. Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear.  It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them).  If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think. So, the kind thing is not to be nice. Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused. Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground. It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth. Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control. Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success.  The Importance of Kind Assertiveness Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression. It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others. It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values. Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold).  Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves. And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self. It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype. And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way. This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity. Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFC0P71D18