How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

Do you have to be mean to be successful? (Science answers)

Do you have to be mean to be successful?  Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.”  It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades.  And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it.  After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind.  But is this really the case?  Do you have to be mean to be successful? Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big?  Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction. Why Psychopathic People Seem to Thrive in Corporate Settings It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments.  In a study by psychologist Paul Babiak, around 4% of business leaders fit the definition of “psychopath”. That’s 4x what you find in the general population.  Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage.  And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders.  But there is a major caveat.  People with psychopathy are attracted to positions of power precisely because dominance is a key characteristic of psychopathy.  So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental.  In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying  and high turnover. The Dark Side of Office Politics Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far.  Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor. Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale.  And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance. This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”.  Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down.  And it’s hard to succeed all on your own. Do you have to be mean to be successful? The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth. While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean. Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.  So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression. But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice.  Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness Here’s where I think the confusion comes from.  Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world. But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice.  Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect.  You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness. Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear.  It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them).  If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think. So, the kind thing is not to be nice. Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused. Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground. It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth. Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control. Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success.  The Importance of Kind Assertiveness Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression. It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others. It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values. Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold).  Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves. And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self. It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype. And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way. This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity. Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFC0P71D18