How To Stop Self-Comparison

How To Stop Self-Comparison In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others.  Whether it’s scrolling through social media, hearing about a colleague’s promotion, or even reflecting on our own aspirations, self-comparison can creep into our thoughts, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.  But why do we compare ourselves, and more importantly, how can we stop self-comparison and break free from this cycle? Well, I’ve got a few ideas… The Evolutionary Basis of Self-Comparison So, like, why do we even do this? I mean, it’s so bad for us, right?  Well, historically, comparing ourselves to others had a survival advantage.  Early humans lived in tight-knit communities where understanding one’s role and standing within the group was crucial. By observing and measuring themselves against their peers, people would be motivated to learn essential skills, adhere to social norms, and maintain group cohesion.  This innate tendency ensured that individuals remained attuned to their environment and contributed effectively to their community. However, in our modern society, this once-beneficial trait (along with numerous others!) has been hacked.  With the advent of technology and social media, we’re now exposed to a constant stream of curated content showcasing the highlights of others’ lives.  This exposure can distort our perceptions, leading us to compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel. While Social Comparison Theory says there are benefits to self-comparison, I think they are very limited, particularly when you have underlying issues like C-PTSD, depression, or anxiety. Comparison is the Thief of Joy Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  And it’s true! The quote basically tells you why you’ve gotta nip your self-comparing ways in the bud!  You’re robbing yourself of happiness if you don’t! Engaging in constant self-comparison can cause or worsen mental health issues like: Depression: Persistent feelings of inadequacy can lead to depressive symptoms. Anxiety: Constantly measuring ourselves against others can create chronic stress and worry, always questioning, “How do I improve my worth?” Burnout: Striving to meet or exceed others’ achievements can lead to physical and mental exhaustion. Low Self-Esteem: All types of self-comparison can lead to feeling down on yourself for not being where you “should” be. Types of Self-Comparison In researching how to stop self-comparison, I found that there are actually a lot of ways we compare ourselves to others. Of course, there are the common categories of self-comparison, such as financial, beauty, workplace, or even piety. But it goes deeper than that. For me, having a deep understanding of the problem and how it manifests is already halfway to the solution.  So, here are some common ways that we compare ourselves in unhealthy ways: 1. Upward Social Comparison When we compare ourselves to those we think are better off. While it can be motivating in some ways, it often leads to feelings of inadequacy. Think of Instagram envy, and reality shows like “The Real Housewives of …” 2. Downward Social Comparison Here, we compare ourselves to those we perceive as worse off.  This might provide temporary relief or a sense of superiority, but it doesn’t bring about genuine self-improvement.  In fact, this sort of downward comparison can lead to a lot of anxiety because you’ll come to think that those “above” you are doing the same downward comparison with you! 3. Lateral Social Comparison Comparing ourselves to peers of similar status can influence our self-evaluation and drive competitiveness. This could be financial success, fitness, and even parenting! (I’ve seen and done it all). Kind of like the saying “keeping up with the Jones’” (now Kardashians). 4. The “Bigger Victim” Mentality We all know people like this. You say you had a bad day, and they come back with all the ways their day was unimaginably worse. Its a competition, but for bad things. And it is a way to garner sympathy from the audience (sympathy that is mistaken for love). Believing our struggles are greater than others’ can lead to isolation. Not to mention that you come across as severely lacking empathy. 5. Jealousy and Envy This is when you see that someone else has what you want.  “That’s not really self-comparison,” I hear you say.  But to want what someone else had is to figure out that you don’t have that thing by comparison. So, I think it still qualifies. While this can be from a healthy, goal-setting point of view, desiring what others have can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. 6. Adopting External Comparison Sometimes, its not even you who started comparing yourself to others. Its your family, community, friends, and even the wider society.  For example, if your parents compared you to your siblings (*Why can’t you be more like your sister?”). Or if your community had certain expectations of you, (“When are you having kids?”). What becomes problematic is if you start to internalise those comparisons. Adhering to societal or familial standards and adopting them without scrutiny can create internal conflict and suppress individuality.  7. Temporal Comparisons But maybe you don’t compare yourself to others. Maybe you compare yourself to yourself. That’s healthy, right? Neeeooope! (Not the extreme way I did it, at least). For example, a lot of people compare themselves to how they were when they were younger. (“I used to be so thin/ popular/ beautiful/ athletic…”). That’s a past temporal comparison in which one could easily slip into depression about the present state of affairs. There is also the future temporal comparison in which you compare you present self to a future “ideal” you. (“One day, when I’m a millionaire/ married/ skinny/ retired…”).  While this may seem like harmless fantasy or even a case of “positive visualisation”, it can really make you feel terrible about your present, leading to a loss of motivation to work towards that fantasy. This was definitely my biggest self-comparison trap. My Battle With Self-Comparison & What Turned the Tide For me, my biggest self-comparison trap (though far be it from my

Female Friendships in Your 30s: A Surprising Shift

There’s something about entering your 30s that shifts the landscape of female friendships. Relationships you once held close might start to feel misaligned. While the women you once thought were uninteresting now seem to be exactly who you need in your life. Despite only barely entering my 30s, I’ve experienced this transition firsthand. As I’ve worked through complex trauma and healed parts of myself, I’ve noticed the types of friendships I gravitate toward are changing. Where I once felt drawn to dynamics filled with competition and mind-games, I now find myself seeking women who offer a sense of emotional safety, health, and authenticity. This shift isn’t just limited to me. Many women in their 30s and 40s are experiencing the same thing. And it’s not just because women are saddled with childbearing responsibilities and can’t maintain friendships. But also because it’s a time of profound self-reflection, healing, and changing priorities. This, quite naturally, impacts our relationships. So, why do female friendships in your 30s feel so different? We’ll explore the reasons behind the transformation, and how embracing the change can lead to deeper, more fulfilling connections. Shifting Priorities and Values in Your 30s A big part of this shift in female friendships in your 30s has to do with changing priorities and values.  In your 20s, friendships may have been formed around shared experiences or external validation. Maybe you were focused on socialising, professional ambition, or fitting into certain social circles. But as we move into our 30s, there’s a natural realignment. For many women, this decade marks the beginning of deeper introspection.  What used to matter—being in the “right” social crowd, keeping up appearances, or maintaining surface-level connections—starts to fade in importance. Instead, we look for friendships that offer emotional depth, vulnerability, and mutual growth. I’ve personally found that I’m no longer interested in friendships that revolve around competitive energy or shallow conversations.  Instead, I’m drawn to women with a certain effortlessness about them. The ones not trying to impress. Who are comfortable in their own skin, expressing their own views, and following their true desires. What’s so special about your 30s? This shift in values can happen as a result of many things. And of course, it may not occur for everyone.  For most, it’s a combination of events, relationships, and introspection.  By the time we’re in our 30s, we’ve probably: experienced a few failed romantic relationships and friendships, navigated work relationships and responsibilities, begun understanding what brings us meaning and joy in our work and private lives, had, started trying, or begun planning to have children. Alternatively, you might be struggling to have children or decided not to have children, expended a lot of energy navigating the patriarchy.   I suspect that many of you reading this are introspective by nature. So, these events and situations are likely to catalyse a lot of self-reflection about what it means to be in this world. And with reflection often comes a desire for increased authenticity. And that has a lot of implications for our friendships. Letting Go of Toxic Female Friendship in Your 30s As we grow, it becomes clear that certain friendship dynamics no longer serve us.  These could be friendships that once centered around competition (think: frenemies), poor communication, reckless behaviour (drinking, drugs, excessive partying), or other maladaptive aspects.  But while letting go of these relationships can be painful, it’s a crucial part of personal growth. In my 20s, I gravitated towards women who mirrored my unresolved trauma in ways I wasn’t yet conscious of. These included friends where competition was disguised as camaraderie, party-friends, or imbalanced, superior-inferior friendships. I now see very clearly how these relationships reflected my unhealed parts. It’s common for women in their 30s to start distancing themselves from friendships that thrive on gossip, comparison, or emotional games. While the process of ending these relationships can feel bittersweet, it’s often a necessary step toward creating space for healthier connections. The good news? Letting go of toxic dynamics opens the door to friendships that are rooted in genuine respect, kindness, and emotional maturity. Embracing Healthier, More Authentic Friendships The shift towards healthier friendships can feel like a breath of fresh air. But it can also feel strange or unfamiliar. For me, the women I once viewed as “boring” are now the ones I’m gravitating towards. This explains why and how we are only attracted to people on our level of emotional health. When we change our emotional health, we change our relationships, too. My new friends may not be the loudest, edgiest, or the most attention-seeking, but they bring something much more valuable to the table: emotional safety, wisdom, and authentic connection. These new friendships are built on a foundation of authenticity and genuine care and interest in each others’ lives. We offer support without judgment. And that is so healing in today’s day and age.  This is the beauty of evolving friendships in your 30s—women show up for each other in ways that promote collective healing and personal development. Mourning the Old, Finding the New Of course, it’s not always easy to navigate this shift in friendships. There’s often a mourning process involved as we let go of relationships that once felt significant but now feel misaligned. It’s important to acknowledge that grieving the loss of old friendships is normal. Friendships, like all relationships, carry emotional weight, and distancing yourself from someone you once cared for can feel difficult.  However, this mourning process is part of honouring your own needs – a significant part of embracing growth. By allowing space for sadness or discomfort, you also create space for new, healthier relationships to enter your life. But, where to find these new, like-minded women?  As our values change, it can feel daunting to seek out friendships that align with our new selves.  But with some intentionality, it’s absolutely possible!  Whether through shared interests, online communities, or spaces that promote introspection and healing, finding women who resonate with your new self is an important

Understanding Toddler Separation Anxiety At School

Like many parents, hubby and I were looking forward to the start of the new school year.  The girls would be away from Monday to Friday, doing fun, stimulating things, and eating a wider variety of foods.  (Our toddlers had regressed to a diet of French fries and sparkling water after an indulgent summer with their grandparents).  We even imagined that after a month of lax structures and endless adventure (including a flight back to the UK), that our girls might actually welcome the stability that came with a back-to-school routine.  Man, were we in for a rude awakening!  Our drop-offs were so dramatic and horrible that I often ended up crying. Sometimes in the car, while hubby stared out into the void, shell-shocked in his own right. A couple of times in the reception area in full view of other horrified parents.   But here we are, 3 weeks of morning dread later. But thankfully, it wasn’t all for nothing. I’ve got a few sage words for ye struggling parents facing toddler separation anxiety at school.  So, in this post, I’ll be covering:  Tips on how to handle their emotions, How to handle your feelings, and How to decide whether there is something more worrying going on  But first, a note –  Toddler Separation Anxiety at School: Adjusting Expectations We put our girls in nursery for the first time last year, a month before their second birthday.  The school had a gradual, week-long adaptation process. And by the end of that week, our girls were at school for the full day (~9:00 – 17:30). During that year, there were a few tearful goodbyes here and there, but there were also many confident they-didn’t-even-look-back drop-offs.  And when it came to this year, herein was our first mistake.  Expecting that they would pick up where they left off. Here are a few of our false assumptions: Past Performance is NOT a Prediction of Future Performance They were fine at the end of last year. They will be fine picking up where they left off.  The holidays may not affect your little one’s return to school if you’re lucky. But they can also be a major reset in terms of their expectations for how they think their day is about to go. This is especially true if you spent the entire holiday together, doing fun stuff. Suddenly going back to school may be a shock to the system. Separation anxiety is only for younger kids.  While many parenting sites talk about separation anxiety as a phase that most kids go through around 8 months of age, toddler separation anxiety at school is also extremely common. It is also not a developmental failure of the parents. As the toddler matures, they should also be more emotional independence. While toddler development may be happening leaps and bounds both physically and with their language, they are also becoming more emotionally aware. This means that everything hits them harder (think of the tantrums), including goodbyes. If they’re in the hands of good caregivers who can help them regulate emotionally afterwards, they should calm down within a few minutes. Toddler Separation Anxiety at School: A Decision Tree When we dropped our twin toddlers at school, there were a lot of feelings flying around.  At drop-offs, they would cry, hold onto us/ our clothes, scream, beg, and even kick/ hit their teachers. And us? Well, I already admitted to being a puddle of tears. But we also felt a lot of guilt and concern around whether we were doing lasting complex trauma-type damage to our children.  So, during week 2 when things did not look like they were getting any better, we decided to sit down and map out our options.  It looked something like this: The Disaster Drop-off Decision Tree You’re very welcome to use this decision tree to map out your own options with your toddlers, but bear in mind a few things.  First, the educators/ caregivers at your school need to be people you trust. If they tell you that your child is doing fine after 10 minutes at the school, you should be able to believe them. If not, and depending on where the mistrust comes from, you’d either get your kid out of that school or work on your trust issues. And second, this decision tree presupposes that you have a good-enough relationship with your toddler. In other words, that they are comfortable enough in your presence to show or tell you about their real emotions. If not, you won’t know whether they are improving or whether they are simply too afraid to tell you they’re not. How to Handle Big Emotions We were told, repeatedly, that our girls were happy less than 10 minutes after drop-off. But that didn’t help us a lot.  Our parting memories of leaving them at school for the day were of our children, panicked and tear-stained, begging us not to go. And that can be very tough to process for us adults, even if we know intellectually that they are in good hands.  Here’s how to help your toddler feel more safe and calm your own emotions, too. Helping Your Toddler Feel Safe Our biggest mistake, perhaps, was not adequately preparing them for school after the holidays. We somehow did not register the enormity of the change for our twins.  In fact, the first couple of days after school, their whole personalities seemed to change. One of them seemed a bit spaced out (not her character at all). While the other seemed to have some strong anger towards us (also unusual).  We worked through their confusion, anger, sadness, and more over the week. And things eventually got back to normal. But that was a bit of a shock for us. Now, we let them know in advance that “tomorrow you’ll be going to school”. And that, even though it might be hard at first, they always have lots of fun. (Self-reported fun, we’re not gaslighting them!). We also

Top 5 Most Important Factors in a Marriage | On Our Anniversary

Last weekend, as is customary in our home, my husband’s family wished us a happy anniversary, prompting the following series of events: 1. A Conversation:  “Oh, happy anniversary, honey!” “Wow, did we forget again?”  *Both laugh sheepishly* “I guess we could celebrate?”   2. Hastily made plans to go eat  – because that is what “celebrate” means in our home. 3. Vague intentions to do better next anniversary  (which is actually in 6 months, because we had 2 weddings).   But poor anniversary planning aside, I absolutely love and adore my husband, the family we’re stewarding, and the continuous growth trajectory of our marriage.  Here are a few thoughts on what makes for the most important factors in a marriage, from our 5 year anniversary.  5 Years of an Evolving Marriage We have a great marriage now.  But, with hindsight, I can confidently declare that it didn’t start that way.  Nowhere close. Hubby and I had a whirlwind romance after we met in Granada, Spain. Had our wedding ceremony in Bali 6 months later. Then officially tied the knot around 1 year after we’d first laid eyes on each other.  We were both insecure young people, looking to each other for validation and security.  But did we know that about ourselves? No. Not even a clue.  Thankfully, through the pressure that comes with a global pandemic and having twin girls, also came a glorious opportunity for evolution.  And thankfully, we were both very invested in making this marriage thing work.  So, while I look back at our younger selves with a bit of facepalm embarrassment, I’m also thankful that we now look back and wonder, “God, what were we thinking?” Because that means growth has happened. And I can only hope that 5 years from now, I can look back at the me of today and wonder the same. Top 5 Most Important Factors in a Marriage While there are many more items that could have made the “most important factors in a marriage” list, I thought I’d do 5 because it is our 5 year anniversary and I like cheesy symmetry like that.  Perhaps next year I’ll add in some spicier content about “how to keep things fresh” or “how to be more tolerant” if I ever figure that stuff out.  But for now, you’re going to get the God-honest truth about some of the fundamentals that we’ve gotten mostly right. Here goes! 1. The willingness to put in the work Marriage is not a static thing. It is not an off-the-shelf buy, not a trophy to be placed on the mantle, nor a ring to proudly display. No. It is closer, I think, to a new business venture. It is a living, breathing coming together of peoples, doing life together, achieving goals, and supporting each other.  So, as tempting as it is to think of marriage as a solution to things like the question of companionship, love, and an answer to loneliness, it is very definitely not.  If you are lonely, marriage will make you lonelier. Through the weight of expectations and the pressures of life, marriage will only exacerbate the cracks in one’s own heart.  To prevent this, marriage and love requires constant input. Constant investment. And constant commitment to growth. Marriage is an invitation to work.  Understanding this is one of the most important factors in a marriage. A good one, at least. 2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T Respect is one of those words thrown around in all sorts of contexts. So much so that it may have lost a little of its true meaning.  For example, in gang culture or even in some of our childhoods, it may be used interchangeably with blind loyalty, fear, obedience, and adherence to hierarchy. So, what does respect actually mean in a healthy marriage? Here is a definition I love, taken from Tim Fletcher’s video on Respect. Recognition of inherent value in each other.  Recognition that both partners are equal, and are treated this way. (This does not mean they necessarily earn the same salary, do the same chores, or have the same skillset. This means that they have equal power in decision-making. Their needs and dreams are valued equally.) Caring for and treating each other the way one wishes to be treated. Honesty, reliability, kindness, grace… and all that other good stuff. 3. Security “Has it only been 5 years?” I asked my husband, over the weekend. “I mean, it feels like it could easily be 10.” “Ouch!” he replied, laughing.  “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that! I just feel like I’ve known you all my life.” “Yeah, through the many changes, you’ve been the constant,” he agreed. And then it dawned on me. “Maybe this is what it feels like to be securely attached to someone.”  A sense of an immovable constant. My person in this world.  4. Love as a verb Love is a strange one.  So many people seek out that giddy feeling of falling in love. That obsessive, intense period of attraction and enmeshment.  And yes, oxytocin makes that all very fun.  But there is a deeper sort of love. One I believe is one of the most important factors in a marriage that’ll still be there once the attraction runs out.  That’s love as a verb.  Being interested in your partner, getting to know them deeply, and accepting them for who they are now, not for their potential to be someone you want them to be. Respect (see above) Security (see above), including never threatening your partner with abandonment to win an argument/ get your way Empathy, kindness, and grace (goes along with forgiveness, and seeking to understand how they work) Authenticity between partners (no one is playing a role) Healthy boundaries are communicated and enforced (like need for time alone, separate hobbies, certain specific interests, need for quality time together, etc.)  Healthy communication practices – a feeling of ease when needing to bring up difficult matters. A commitment to putting in the work (see above).  

How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent (and Enjoy Your Kids)

I’m writing this “how to stop being a perfectionist parent” post specifically for my husband, knowing full well that he will likely never read it.  The topic came up yesterday.  “I feel like we’re failing,” he told me, out of the blue. “The house is always a mess, we never give them proper meals, and they watch too much TV.” “Wow,” I thought. “He sounds just like my inner voice from back when I was depressed.” But thanks to that horrendous PPD experience, I knew exactly what was going on with my otherwise carefree hubby.  So, I told him.  “You’re being too perfectionistic,” I said. “You’re holding yourself up to unrealistic standards and feeling terrible about a problem that isn’t really there.” He nodded. “I agree,” he said. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough. Because, unfortunately, diagnosing the problem and knowing how to fix it are two different things. So, this post is my way of deciphering how I was able to stop being a perfectionist parent and actually enjoy my kids.  Then, I’ll report back to my husband because he’s yet to read a full Chai and Sunshine article. And, in the meantime, I hope it helps you, too. 8 Signs of a Perfectionist Parent Before we dive into how to stop being a perfectionist parent, we need to understand the myriad ways perfectionism can manifest. Only once we understand the common signs of a perfectionist parent can we do something about it. And for anyone in denial or doubt, read these signs out to your spouse, co-parent, or kids. Ask if they recognise these behaviours in you. It might not be pleasant, but it’s the first step in lasting change. Here are 8 signs of a perfectionist parent.  Note: these tendencies can be either self-directed (not feeling like a good enough parent) or directed at the child (being hard on them so they can reach your high standards). You might find that it’s a little bit of both. You also don’t need to tick off all 8 signs to make some changes. 1. Unrealistic Expectations Setting unrealistic and often unattainable standards for yourself or your child. Not taking into account the present resources or abilities when setting these goals.  2. Constant Criticism Frequent or constant self-criticism for your perceived parenting shortcomings (or the “shortcomings” of your child). Focusing on your children’s mistakes rather than their accomplishments. 3. Comparing/ Competing with Others When you do set unattainable goals and standards, it’s often image-related or superficial. You may also compare your reality to what you see of other parents and their children. This may leave you feeling inadequate. 4. Fear of Failure/ Excessive Pressure You may have an outsized idea of what the consequences of anything less-than-perfect may result in. For example, “you will never find friends if you’re always looking so scruffy!” You may also have an unhealthy fixation on past mistakes. 5. Over Involvement/ Micromanagement Directing your kids’ or co-parent’s every action. Getting involved in their lives on a granular level. 6. Ignoring Emotional Needs Prioritising achievements and portraying a “perfect” image over the emotional needs of you or your child(ren). 7. Lack of Spontaneity No room for creativity or relaxation. Rigid rules and schedules for you and/or your family dominate your life. (E.g. nap times, dinner times, eating schedules or menus).  8. Living Through the Child Think “Dance Moms” or “Pageant Moms”. Projecting your unfulfilled dreams onto your child(ren).   Why It’s NOT Easy to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Breaking free from the grip of perfectionist parenting can be really challenging. (It sure was for me!) At its core, it’s deeply rooted in the desire to provide the best possible life for our children. But the fear of making mistakes or falling short can be paralysing. This often results in the very opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, reigniting the cycle of perfectionist control all over again.  But what makes perfectionism really hard to get rid of is that it’s often intertwined with our own self-worth. Because perfectionist parents often lack a strong internal compass, they are more susceptible to adopting external standards. This means striving for what society deems as excellent rather than listening to your own needs or those of your child. It may also mean getting caught in a cycle of comparison. We look at other parents and their seemingly perfect children, forgetting that everyone faces challenges behind closed doors. This often stems from various factors, including childhood trauma, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, insecure attachment styles, or underlying issues like undiagnosed OCD or other anxiety-related conditions. Breaking free requires awareness and a shift in perspective. It means learning to build authentic relationships with yourself and your children, rather than relating to yourself and them solely through achievements. How to Stop Being a Perfectionist Parent Societal pressures to achieve, coupled with personal insecurities, often fuel the perfectionist mindset. Additionally, it’s difficult to let go of the illusion of control. As parents, we crave the ability to shape our children’s futures, and perfectionism can feel like a way to exert that control.  The first step to overcoming these perfectionist tendencies is therefore self-awareness. Keep a diary of your thoughts and behaviours, paying close attention to all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophising tendencies.  Like when my husband said that we were “failing” because “the house is always a mess” and “we never give them proper meals”. These cognitive distortions often magnify the consequences of imperfections.  Along with this self-awareness, I recommend practicing deep curiosity about the roots of your perfectionism. Does your perfectionist inner voice sound uncomfortably similar to that of a critical caregiver?  Or maybe by aiming for perfection you’re subconsciously seeking validation from an absent or emotionally distant caregiver. Understanding these underlying drivers is crucial for breaking free from the perfectionist cycle. Therapy can be an invaluable tool in this process. A trained therapist can provide guidance, support, and strategies for managing perfectionistic tendencies.  By working through past experiences and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can gradually release the grip of perfectionism

In Defence of Gentle Parenting (and Why it’s Not Working for You)

Gentle parenting. It’s what my generation of parents – the millennials – have turned to as the gold standard. But for some reason, it’s controversial amoung childless boomers like talk show host Bill Maher, who spent 10 minutes calling for the return of “trad dads” and comparing parenting to blow jobs.  Yuck. But these insensitive boomer mofos are the exact reason why we’re all in therapy.  So, in defence of gentle parenting, here’s my take on why it might not be “working” for some of you. What is Gentle Parenting? Gentle parenting is focused on building a strong, loving connection with your child while setting clear, consistent boundaries. It’s about responding to your child’s emotions with empathy, patience, and respect. Instead of relying on punishment or rewards, gentle parenting emphasises positive discipline, co-operation, and problem-solving. Can you imagine: a child with strong inherent self-worth? It’s creating a safe space for your child to learn, grow, and develop into a confident, compassionate individual. And also about creating a safe enough space for your children to come to you in times of trouble. Essentially, gentle parenting is about treating your child with the same respect and understanding you’d hope to receive. What’s so controversial about that? Principles and Characteristics of Gentle Parenting (with Examples) Now, the only reason I imagine people not agreeing with gentle parenting is because they didn’t have gentle parents themselves. And their inner critic wants to make sure everyone else gets the same harsh treatment they received. Here are some principles and characteristics of what gentle parenting means on a practical level. 1. Your Child is their Own Person Perhaps the most important principle for me: realsing your child is their own person with their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  They are not merely an under-developed human waiting to be moulded by you into your ideal version of what a child is to be. Respecting this, and respecting their interests and feelings is paramount to raising healthy human beings. 2. Emotional Validation Understanding and validating your child’s feelings is so key. Instead of dismissing emotions like anger or frustration, gentle parenting means parents listen actively and offer comfort.  For example, if a child is upset, even if you don’t think it’s logical, a gentle parent might say, “I can see you’re really disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way.”  We also offer regulating hugs to our twins to help them manage their big feelings.  3. Respectful Communication Treating your child with respect, even when they’re challenging, sets your kid up to trust you, have a strong sense of worth, and be respectful all at once. This involves using kind and respectful language, explaining reasons behind decisions, and inviting your child to share their perspective. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop it!” (or worse), a gentle parent might calmly say, “I understand you’re angry, but we don’t throw toys around the house because they might break things. When things get broken, mommy and daddy feel sad.” Above: The twins, happy in the sand | Right: In bed with the twins for a morning snuggle 4. Clear, Consistent Boundaries While gentle parenting emphasises connection, it also recognises the importance of limits.  Age-appropriate boundaries are set with firmness and kindness, explaining expectations and consequences clearly.  For example, if a child is hitting, a gentle parent might say, “Hitting hurts. We use our words to express anger. We don’t hit.” Boundaries are some of the best things we can impart to our kids. Too few (permissive) can lead to a person with narcissistic personality disorder and traits. Too many and too harsh (authoritarian) is associated with many issues too. 5. Age-Appropriate Autonomy Empowering your child to make choices and solve problems builds confidence and resilience.  Gentle parenting encourages autonomy while providing support and guidance.  For example, when faced with a decision, a gentle parent might offer options and help weigh the pros and cons. Gentle parents aren’t helicopter parents. Nor do they prescribe or direct.  They build their children’s self-esteem by allowing them to experiment and figure things out. 6. Positive Reinforcements and (Mostly Natural) Consequences Gentle parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior and allowing natural consequences to teach valuable lessons.  Instead of relying on punishment, parents use praise, encouragement, and logical consequences.  For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, a natural consequence might be the inability to find a specific toy when they want to play with it. Of course, there are times when parents need to add consequences because the natural consequence may not be enough to deter the young one.  But if you’ve built enough trust, we’ve found that you simply have to explain why you do/ don’t do something and your children (even as young as 2) will believe you and refrain from the offending behaviour. Why Gentle Parenting isn’t “Working” for You People (parents and onlookers) are often frustrated that gentle parenting does not yield quick results. And it’s tempting to be less gentle when your little one is having a meltdown at the restaurant. But gentle parenting is NOT merely a quick fix or a set of techniques to manipulate children into behaving perfectly. It’s a philosophy rooted in respect, empathy, and building a strong parent-child bond. Seeing gentle parenting as a tool to control outcomes rather than a foundation for a healthy relationship is the opposite of gentle parenting. It is just another form of manipulation and control. If you’re pretending to gentle parent in order to get the child to do what you want, you’ve missed the core idea: that children are individuals with their own personalities and needs, not projects to be moulded. True transformation occurs over time as children develop a strong sense of self, security, and autonomy within a loving, consistent environment. (Hint: it’s the things a lot of us have to go to therapy in adulthood to try to mend). The “results” of gentle parenting are embedded in a child’s character, their ability to form healthy relationships,

Do you have to be mean to be successful? (Science answers)

Do you have to be mean to be successful?  Well, we’ve all heard it, over and over again. So, the answer might seem straightforward: “Nice guys finish last.”  It’s so widely accepted that it’s become a cliché ingrained in our culture for decades.  And let’s be honest, it’s tempting to believe it.  After all, we’ve seen countless movies and TV shows where the sharp-tongued, assertive characters seem to effortlessly climb the corporate ladder, while their kinder counterparts are left behind.  But is this really the case?  Do you have to be mean to be successful? Is being a bit of a jerk actually a prerequisite for making it big?  Let’s dive into the science and separate fact from fiction. Why Psychopathic People Seem to Thrive in Corporate Settings It’s a sobering truth: individuals with psychopathic tendencies often appear to excel in corporate environments.  In a study by psychologist Paul Babiak, around 4% of business leaders fit the definition of “psychopath”. That’s 4x what you find in the general population.  Their lack of empathy, coupled with their ability to manipulate and charm, can give them an unfair advantage.  And thanks to how our culture is set up, they’re often seen as confident, decisive leaders.  But there is a major caveat.  People with psychopathy are attracted to positions of power precisely because dominance is a key characteristic of psychopathy.  So, while these individuals may climb the ladder quickly, their impact on team morale and overall company culture can be extremely detrimental.  In this studied case, when a transformational leader was replaced with a psychopathic one, the results were staff withdrawal, workplace bullying  and high turnover. The Dark Side of Office Politics Okay, so maybe jumping straight to the psychopaths was a little too far.  Let’s talk about the regular mean colleague on your floor. Having highly disagreeable or rude colleagues can have a dramatic effect on office morale.  And while it may be seen as being “tough”, the reality is that fear-based interactions, backstabbing, rumour-mongering, workplace bullying and excessive politicking can stifle creativity and productivity. Which ultimately stifles performance. This is because one of the most important things for a flourishing work environment is something Googlers like to call “psychological safety”.  Without that, you might end up losing your most collaborative co-workers and end up in a team or company that is on it’s way down.  And it’s hard to succeed all on your own. Do you have to be mean to be successful? The idea that you need to be mean to be successful is a harmful myth. While a certain level of assertiveness is essential, it’s important to distinguish between being firm and being mean. Research has consistently shown that kindness, empathy, and collaboration are actually key drivers of success. By prioritising these qualities, we can create healthier, more productive workplaces and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.  So, it’s definitely time to challenge the outdated notion that success is synonymous with aggression. But remember, there’s a huge difference between being kind and being nice.  Redefining What it Means to be Nice: Kindness Over Agreeableness Here’s where I think the confusion comes from.  Often, being kind gets equated with being a pushover. And, of course, pushovers do not tend to do well in a cutthroat corporate world. But there’s a big difference between being kind and being nice.  Kindness is about not being afraid to speak up for yourself, setting boundaries, and treating others with respect.  You do what you have to do on your own terms, without compromising your values. And crucially, you do it with empathy, understanding, and a certain gentleness. Niceness, or agreeableness, on the other hand, is born of fear.  It’s saying what you think the other wants to hear (and not saying what you think will upset them).  If you think about it, being nice and agreeable is not nice at all. It’s a facade and presents a lie to others that doesn’t represent what you really think. So, the kind thing is not to be nice. Redefining Meanness: The Difference Between Being Mean and Being Firm Similarly, meanness and firmness are often confused. Being firm is about setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and standing your ground. It’s about respect for yourself and others. It’s about the truth. Being mean, on the other hand, is about intentionally causing harm, manipulating, or inflicting pain. It’s about power and control. Understanding the difference in intention is crucial to success.  The Importance of Kind Assertiveness Kind assertiveness is the sweet spot between agreeableness and aggression. It’s about expressing your needs and opinions honestly and respectfully, while also considering the feelings of others. It’s about building strong relationships based on trust and mutual respect. And also creating a sterling reputation for having strong and reliable values. Breaking Free from the Nice Girl Trap Women, in particular, are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others over their own. (Add in some intersectionalities and this “niceness” can be amplified manifold).  Continuously prioritising others (no matter how well-intentioned) can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing and difficulty asserting themselves. And the biggest loser in the woman, who has lost all sense of self. It’s time to break free from this “nice girl” stereotype. And practising kind assertiveness is 100% the way. This way, women can achieve both professional and personal success without sacrificing their integrity. Or worse, turning into the stereotypical aggressive a**hole they thing they need to be to succeed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkFC0P71D18

Travelling with Twin Toddlers: 7 Tips We Learned The Hard Way

Travelling with twin toddlers is not easy. But there are ways to lessen the pain! Here are 7 toddler travel tips we learned the hard way.

Are You Deactivating Or Falling Out Of Love? 5 Key Signs

A guide for the emotionally guarded and their partners.

Emotional Dysregulation: Why You Snap & How to Stop

Ever wake up with the sudden awareness that you’ve been constantly stressed all your life? Well, that was me after my first stint in therapy. It suddenly hit me that a big reason for some of my most destructive habits and behaviours was my attempt and self-regulating.  And when I finally saw it, I felt like a fish discovering water – suddenly I saw it everywhere! I’m talking about food addiction, TV addiction, shutting down emotions, and more. These were things that I thought were “just part of my personality”, but they were just coping techniques for low-grade, constant stress.  And the worst part: these habits were holding me back from goals, relationships, and self-esteem.  So, in this post, I’ll be answering: What is emotional dysregulation? How do I know if I’m emotionally regulated or not? Why are some of us more prone to dysregulation, while others seem to handle stress better? And most importantly, how can we self-regulate to get out of the spiral of dysregulation? What is emotional dysregulation? Definitions for emotional dysregulation vary greatly.  One of the more sterile definitions I’ve found is, “an inability to control or regulate one’s emotional responses, which can lead to significant mood swings, significant changes in mood, or emotional lability“.  A less clinical definition, and the way I like to think of it is that emotional dysregulation is when you have trouble managing your emotions. This can mean feeling overwhelmed by emotions, having difficulty calming down, or struggling to express your feelings in a healthy way. It’s as though your emotions are like the volume dial on a loudspeaker. Normally, you can turn it up and down depending on the situation. But with emotional dysregulation, it’s like the knob is stuck or gets jammed easily or even randomly turns itself to whatever volume.  You might feel calm one minute and then suddenly explode in anger over something seemingly small. You might be stressed an anxious at 10pm with no obvious cause.  It’s like your emotions are way louder (or quieter) than the situation calls for, and it can be hard to get them back to a comfortable, situation-appropriate level.   How do I know whether I’m emotionally regulated or not? You might think that it would be obvious to anyone who was emotionally out-of-whack that they were part of the emotionally dysregulated community. But, with most things involving emotions, it is not that simple.   Take my case, for example. My entire life I have experienced high anxiety, innumerable bouts of depression, and intrusive, suicidal thoughts. I also used food, TV, and sometimes other substances (like alcohol, sugar, and even cannabis) to cope.  But the entire time, I had no idea that all of these manifestations were simply the symptoms of emotional dysregulation. Below I’ve compiled some of the big, should-be-obvious-but-they’re-not symptoms of emotional dysregulation.  It was only when I did therapy that I realised that it was not “normal” to feel this way all the time.  If you experience any one of these symptoms, it’s important not to ignore them. Or worse, take them as part of your “deficient” personality.  Why Are We Even Like This? Okay, let’s put aside cases for emotional dysregulation from getting your head whacked and disrupting your brain’s hardware.  For the majority of us, we are chronically emotionally dysregulated because we were never taught how to regulate our emotions.  Emotional regulation, like many other things in life, is an acquired skill, not an innate ability. And many of us who grew up in households where you had to cater to the emotions of the adults in our lives never figured out how to tend to our own.  Below are 9 possible reasons why you’re chronically dysregulated.    Each of these potential reasons is a big deal in and of itself, so please don’t feel like you need more than one thing to ‘justify’ your chronic emotional dysregulation. This list is also by no means exhaustive. There are simply way more ways to not know how to cope than there are ways to self-regulate.  So, if you can’t see your particular situation reflected in the list, drop it in the comments below to help others relate. How To Self-Regulate Ah, the tricky part – calming the f*** down without the usual self-destructive aids. I have not mastered this part, which means I’m not writing to you from the smug end of victory. I am, however, significantly further along the process than when I started.  It takes a while. Because it’s about rewiring your entire nervous system to be different to how it’s been your entire life.  But every inch of your peace gained is worth the battles you fight to win it. Here is some of the best ways to regulate: Breathing (The Right Way) I once heard this monk say that “99% of all our problems come from breathing incorrectly”. I don’t know if that’s true, but breathing well can definitely help to self-regulate. This techniques works best for the explosive or overwhelming feelings. The kind where you feel like you’re going to burst. It also works quite well for severe anxiety. The trick is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in.  So, if you breath in for a count of 6, make sure to breathe out for a count of 8 or more to get the calming benefits. Do this for at least 5 rounds of in-and-out breaths, or until you feel calm. (Be sure to count. Doing the opposite – inhaling for longer than you exhale – can exacerbate anxiety).  Movement Exercise – not one anyone wants to hear, I know.  But hear me out, because I would not recommend this unless I personally experienced the benefits. And I have. I usually exercise at home, alone, early in the morning. On my rest days, I am significantly more dysregulated (I eat more junk, am a bit more snappy). Others use exercise to burn off some steam. Like going for a run when you’re extra stressed at